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1、TheDreamOfaRidiculousMan荒唐人的梦byFyodorDostoevskyTranslatedbyConstanceGarnett.IIamaridiculousperson.Nowtheycallmeamadman.ThatwouldbeapromotionifitwerenotthatIremainasdiculousintheireyesasbefore.ButnowIdonotresentit,theyarealldeartomenow,evenwhentheylaug
2、hatme-and,indeed,itisjustthenthattheyareparticularlydeartome.Icouldjoinintheirlaughter-notexactlyatmyself,butthroughaffectionforthem,ifIdidnotfeelsosadasIlookatthem.SadbecausetheydonotknowthetruthandIdoknowit.Oh,howharditistobetheonlyonewhoknowsthetru
3、th!Buttheywon'tunderstandthat.No,theywon'tunderstandit.InolddaysIusedtobemiserableatseemingridiculous.Notseeming,butbeing.Ihavealwaysbeenridiculous,andIhaveknownit,perhaps,fromthehourIwasborn.PerhapsfromthetimeIwassevenyearsoldIknewIwasridiculous.Afte
4、rwardsIwenttoschool,studiedattheuniversity,and,doyouknow,themoreIlearned,themoreoroughlyunderstoodthatIwasridiculous.SothatitseemedintheendasthoughallthesciencesIstudiedattheuniversityexistedonlytoproveandmakeevidenttomeasIwentmoredeeplyintothemthatIw
5、asridiculous.Itwasthesamewithlifeasitwaswithscience.WitheveryyearthesameconsciousnessoftheridiculousfigureIcutineveryrelationgrewandstrengthened.Everyonealwayslaughedatme.Butnotoneofthemkneworguessedthatiftherewereonemanonearthwhoknewbetterthananybody
6、elsethatIwasabsurd,itwasmyself,andwhatIresentedmostofallwasthattheydidnotknowthat.Butthatwasmyownfault;Iwassoproudthatnothingwouldhaveeverinducedmetotellittoanyone.Thispridegrewinmewiththeyears;andifithadhappenedthatIallowedmyselftoconfesstoanyoneatIa
7、sridiculous,IbelievethatIshouldhaveblownoutmybrainsthesameevening.Oh,howIsufferedinmyearlyyouthfromthefearthatImightgivewayandconfessittomyschoolfellows.ButsinceIgrewtomanhood,Ihaveforsomeunknownreasonbecomecalmer,thoughIrealisedmyawfulcharacteristicm
8、orefullyeveryyear.Isay'unknown',fortothisdayIcannottellwhyitwas.Perhapsitwasowingtotheterriblemiserythatwasgrowinginmysoulthroughsomethingwhichwasofmoresequencethananythingelseaboutme:thatsomethingwastheconvictionthathadcomeuponmethatnothingin
