[Charles_Bukowski]_Ham_on_Rye_A_Novel(BookZa.org).pdf

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CHARLESBUKOWSKIHAMONRYE 21ThefirstthingIrememberisbeingundersomething.Itwasatable,Isawatableleg,Isawthelegsofthepeople,andaportionofthetableclothhangingdown.Itwasdarkunderthere,Ilikedbeingunderthere.ItmusthavebeeninGermany.Imusthavebeenbetweenoneandtwoyearsold.Itwas1922.Ifeltgoodunderthetable.NobodyseemedtoknowthatIwasthere.Therewassunlightupontherugandonthelegsofthepeople.Ilikedthesunlight.Thelegsofthepeoplewerenotinteresting,notlikethetableclothwhichhungdown,notlikethetableleg,notlikethesunlight.Thenthereisnothing...thenaChristmastree.Candles.Birdornaments:birdswithsmallberrybranchesintheirbeaks.Astar.Twolargepeoplefighting,screaming.Peopleeating,alwayspeopleeating.Iatetoo.MyspoonwasbentsothatifIwantedtoeatIhadtopickthespoonupwithmyrighthand.IfIpickeditupwithmylefthand,thespoonbentawayfrommymouth.Iwantedtopickthespoonupwithmylefthand.Twopeople:onelargerwithcurlyhair,abignose,abigmouth,mucheyebrow;thelargerpersonalwaysseemingtobeangry,oftenscreaming;thesmallerpersonquiet,roundofface,paler,withlargeeyes.Iwasafraidofbothofthem.Sometimestherewasathird,afatonewhoworedresseswithlaceatthethroat.Sheworealargebrooch,andhadmanywartsonherfacewithlittlehairsgrowingoutofthem."Emily,"theycalledher.Thesepeopledidn'tseemhappytogether.Emilywasthegrandmother,myfather'smother.Myfather'snamewas"Henry."Mymother'snamewas"Katherine."Ineverspoketothembyname.Iwas"Henry,Jr."ThesepeoplespokeGermanmostofthetimeandinthebeginningIdidtoo.ThefirstthingIremembermygrandmothersayingwas,"Iwillburyallofyou!"Shesaidthisthefirsttimejustbeforewebeganeatingameal,andshewastosayitmanytimesafterthat,justbeforewebegantoeat.Eatingseemedveryimportant.Weatemashedpotatoesandgravy,especiallyonSundays.Wealsoateroastbeef,knockwurstandsauerkraut,greenpeas,rhubarb,carrots,spinach,stringbeans,chicken,meatballsandspaghetti,sometimesmixedwithravioli;therewereboiledonions,asparagus,andeverySundaytherewasstrawberryshortcakewithvanillaicecream.ForbreakfastswehadFrenchtoastandsausages,ortherewerehotcakesorwaffleswithbaconandscrambledeggsontheside.Andtherewasalwayscoffee.ButwhatIrememberbestisallthemashedpotatoesandgravyandmygrandmother,Emily,saying,"Iwillburyallofyou!"ShevisitedusoftenafterwecametoAmerica,takingtheredtrolleyinfromPasadenatoLosAngeles.Weonlywenttoseeheroccasionally,drivingoutintheModel-TFord.Ilikedmygrandmother'shouse.Itwasasmallhouseunderanoverhangingmassofpeppertrees.Emilyhadallhercanariesindifferentcages.Irememberonevisitbest.Thateveningshewentaboutcoveringthecageswithwhitehoodssothatthebirdscouldsleep.Thepeoplesatinchairsandtalked.TherewasapianoandIsatatthepianoandhitthekeysandlistenedtothesoundsasthepeopletalked.Ilikedthesoundofthekeysbestupatoneendofthepianowheretherewashardlyanysoundatall--thesoundthekeysmadewaslikechipsoficestrikingagainstoneanother."Willyoustopthat?"myfathersaidloudly."Lettheboyplaythepiano,"saidmygrandmother.Mymothersmiled."Thatboy,"saidmygrandmother,"whenItriedtopickhimupoutofthecradletokisshim,hereachedupandhitmeinthenose!"TheytalkedsomemoreandIwentonplayingthepiano."Whydon'tyougetthatthingtuned?"askedmyfather.ThenIwastoldthatweweregoingtoseemygrandfather.Mygrandfatherandgrandmotherwerenotlivingtogether.Iwastoldthatmygrandfatherwasabadman,thathisbreathstank."Whydoeshisbreathstink?"Theydidn'tanswer. 3"Whydoeshisbreathstink?""Hedrinks."WegotintotheModel-TanddroveovertoseemyGrandfatherLeonard.Aswedroveupandstoppedhewasstandingontheporchofhishouse.Hewasoldbuthestoodverystraight.HehadbeenanarmyofficerinGermanyandhadcometoAmericawhenheheardthatthestreetswerepavedwithgold.Theyweren't,sohebecametheheadofaconstructionfirm.Theotherpeopledidn'tgetoutofthecar.Grandfatherwiggledafingeratme.SomebodyopenedadoorandIclimbedoutandwalkedtowardhim.Hishairwaspurewhiteandlongandhisbeardwaspurewhiteandlong,andasIgotcloserIsawthathiseyeswerebrilliant,likebluelightswatchingme.Istoppedalittledistanceawayfromhim."Henry,"hesaid,"youandI,weknoweachother.Comeintothehouse."Heheldouthishand.AsIgotcloserIcouldsmellthestinkofhisbreath.ItwasverystrongbuthewasthemostbeautifulmanIhadeverseenandIwasn'tafraid.Iwentintohishousewithhim.Heledmetoachair."Sitdown,please.I'mveryhappytosecyou."Hewentintoanotherroom.Thenhecameoutwithalittletinbox."It'sforyou.Openit."Ihadtroublewiththelid,Icouldn'topenthebox."Here,"hesaid,"letmehaveit."Heloosenedthelidandhandedthetinboxbacktome.Iliftedthelidandherewasthiscross,aGermancrosswitharibbon."Ohno,"Isaid,"youkeepit.""It'syours,"hesaid,"it'sjustagummybadge.""Thankyou.""Youbettergonow.Theywillbeworried.""Allright.Goodbye.""Goodbye,Henry.No,wait..."Istopped.Hereachedintoasmallfrontpocketofhispantswithacoupleoffingers,andtuggedatalonggoldchainwithhisotherhand.Thenhehandedmehisgoldpocketwatch,withthechain."Thankyou.Grandfather..."TheywerewaitingoutsideandIgotintotheModel-Tandwedroveoff.Theyalltalkedaboutmanythingsaswedrovealong.Theywerealwaystalking,andtheytalkedallthewaybacktomygrandmother'shouse.Theyspokeofmanythingsbutnever,once,ofmygrandfather. 42IremembertheModel-T.Sittinghigh,therunningboardsseemedfriendly,andoncolddays,inthemornings,andoftenatothertimes,myfatherhadtofitthehand-crankintothefrontoftheengineandcrankitmanytimesinordertostartthecar."Amancangetabrokenarmdoingthis.Itkicksbacklikeahorse."WewentforSundayridesintheModel-Twhengrandmotherdidn'tvisit.Myparentslikedtheorangegroves,milesandmilesoforangetreesalwayseitherinblossomorfulloforanges.Myparentshadapicnicbasketandametalchest.Inthemetalchestwerefrozencansoffruitondryice,andinthepicnicbasketwereweenieandliverwurstandsalamisandwiches,potatochips,bananasandsoda-pop.Thesoda-popwasshiftedcontinuallybackandforthbetweenthemetalboxandthepicnicbasket.Itfrozequickly,andthenhadtobethawed.MyfathersmokedCamelcigarettesandheknewmanytricksandgameswhichheshoweduswiththepackagesofCamelcigarettes.Howmanypyramidswerethere?Countthem.Wewouldcountthemandthenhewouldshowusmoreofthem.Therewerealsotricksaboutthehumpsonthecamelsandaboutthewrittenwordsonthepackage.Camelcigarettesweremagiccigarettes.TherewasaparticularSundayIcanrecall.Thepicnicbasketwasempty.Yetwestilldrovealongthroughtheorangegroves,furtherandfurtherawayfromwherewelived."Daddy,"mymotherasked,"aren'twegoingtorunoutofgas?""No,there'splentyofgod-damnedgas.""Wherearewegoing?""I'mgoingtogetmesomegod-damnedoranges!"Mymothersatverystillaswedrovealong.Myfatherpulledupalongsidetheroad,parkednearawirefenceandwesatthere,listening.Thenmyfatherkickedthedooropenandgotout."Bringthebasket."Weallclimbedthroughthestrandsofthefence."Followme,"saidmyfather.Thenwewerebetweentworowsoforangetrees,shadedfromthesunbythebranchesandtheleaves.Myfatherstoppedandreachingupbeganyankingorangesfromthelowerbranchesofthenearesttree.Heseemedangry,yankingtheorangesfromthetree,andthebranchesseemedangry,leapingupanddown.Hethrewtheorangesintothepicnicbasketwhichmymotherheld.SometimeshemissedandIchasedtheorangesandputthemintothebasket.Myfatherwentfromtreetotree,yankingatthelowerbranches,throwingtheorangesintothepicnicbasket."Daddy,wehaveenough,"saidmymother."Likehell."Hekeptyanking.Thenamansteppedforward,averytallman.Heheldashotgun."Allright,buddy,whatdoyouthinkyou'redoing?""I'mpickingoranges.Thereareplentyoforanges.""Thesearemyoranges.Now,listentome,tellyourwomantodumpthem.""Thereareplentyofgod-damnedoranges.You'renotgoingtomissafewgod-damnedoranges.""I'mnotgoingtomissanyoranges.Tellyourwomantodumpthem."Themanpointedhisshotgunatmyfather."Dumpthem,"myfathertoldmymother.Theorangesrolledtotheground."Now,"saidtheman,"getoutofmyorchard.""Youdon'tneedalltheseoranges.""IknowwhatIneed.Nowgetoutofhere.""Guyslikeyououghttobehung!""I'mthelawhere.Nowmove!"Themanraisedhisshotgunagain.Myfatherturnedandbeganwalkingoutoftheorangegrove.Wefollowedhimandthemantrailedus.Thenwegotintothecarbutitwasoneofthosetimeswhen 5itwouldn'tstart.Myfathergotoutofthecartocrankit.Hecrankedittwiceanditwouldn'tstart.Myfatherwasbeginningtosweat.Themanstoodattheedgeoftheroad."Getthatgod-damnedcrackerboxstarted!"hesaid.Myfathergotreadytotwistthecrankagain."We'renotonyourproperty!Wecanstayhereaslongaswedamnwellplease!""Likehell!Getthatthingoutofhere,andfast!"Myfathercrankedtheengineagain.Itsputtered,thenstopped.Mymothersatwiththeemptypicnicboxonherlap.Iwasafraidtolookattheman.Myfatherwhirledthecrankagainandtheenginestarted.Heleapedintothecarandbeganworkingtheleversonthesteeringwheel."Don'tcomeback,"saidtheman,"ornexttimeitmightnotgosoeasyforyou."MyfatherdrovetheModel-Toff.Themanwasstillstandingneartheroad.Myfatherwasdrivingveryfast.ThenheslowedthecarandmadeaU-turn.Hedrovebacktowherethemanhadstood.Themanwasgone.Wespeededbackonthewayoutoftheorangegroves."I'mcomingbacksomedayandgetthatbastard,"saidmyfather."Daddy,we'llhaveanicedinnertonight.Whatwouldyoulike?"mymotherasked."Porkchops,"heanswered.Ihadneverseenhimdrivethecarthatfast. 63Myfatherhadtwobrothers.TheyoungerwasnamedBenandtheolderwasnamedJohn.Bothwerealcoholicsandne'er-do-wells.Myparentsoftenspokeofthem."Neitherofthemamounttoanything,"saidmyfather."Youjustcomefromabadfamily,Daddy,"saidmymother."Andyourbrotherdoesn'tamounttoadamneither!"Mymother'sbrotherwasinGermany.Myfatheroftenspokebadlyofhim.Ihadanotheruncle,Jack,whowasmarriedtomyfather'ssister,Elinore.IhadneverseenmyUncleJackormyAuntElinorebecausetherewerebadfeelingsbetweenthemandmyfather."Seethisscaronmyhand?"askedmyfather."Well,that'swhereElinorestuckmewithasharppencilwhenIwasveryyoung.Thatscarhasnevergoneaway."Myfatherdidn'tlikepeople.Hedidn'tlikeme."Childrenshouldbeseenandnotheard,"hetoldme.ItwasanearlySundayafternoonwithoutGrandmaEmily."WeshouldgoseeBen,"saidmymother."He'sdying.""HeborrowedallthatmoneyfromEmily.He'dpisseditawayongamblingandwomenandbooze.""Iknow,Daddy.""Emilywon'thaveanymoneyleftwhenshedies.""WeshouldstillgoseeBen.Theysayhehasonlytwoweeksleft.""Allright,allright!We'llgo!"SowewentandgotintotheModel-Tandstarteddriving.Ittooksometime,andmymotherhadtostopforflowers.Itwasalongdrivetowardthemountains.Wereachedthefoothillsandtookthelittlewindingmountainroadupwards.UncleBenwasinasanitariumupthere,dyingofTB."ItmustcostEmilyalotofmoneytokeepBenuphere,"saidmyfather."MaybeLeonardishelping.""Leonarddoesn'thaveanything.Hedrankitupandhegaveitaway."IlikegrandpaLeonard,"Isaid."Childrenshouldbeseenandnotheard,".saidmyfather.Thenhecontinued,"Ah,thatLeonard,theonlytimehewasgoodtouschildrenwaswhenhewasdrunk.He'djokewithusandgiveusmoney.Butthenextdaywhenhewassoberhewasthemeanestmanintheworld."TheModel-Twasclimbingthemountainroadnicely.Theairwasclearandsunny."Hereitis,"saidmyfather.Heguidedthecarintotheparkinglotofthesanitariumandwegotout.Ifollowedmymotherandfatherintothebuilding.Asweenteredhisroom,myUncleBenwassittinguprightinbed,staringoutthewindow.Heturnedandlookedatusasweentered.Hewasaveryhandsomeman,thin,withblackhair,andhehaddarkeyeswhichglittered,werebrilliantwithglitteringlight."Hello,Ben,"saidmymother."Hello,Katy."Thenhelookedatme."IsthisHenry?"Yes."Sitdown."MyfatherandIsatdown.Mymotherstoodthere."Theseflowers,Ben.Idon'tseeavase.""They'reniceflowers,thanks,Katy.No,thereisn'tavase.""I'llgogetavase,"saidmymother.Shelefttheroom,holdingtheflowers."Whereareallyourgirlfriendsnow,Ben?"askedmyfather."Theycomearound.""I'llbet.""Theycomearound.""We'reherebecauseKatherinewantedtoseeyou.""Iknow.""Iwantedtoseeyoutoo,UncleBen.Ithinkyou'rearealprettyman.""Prettylikemyass,"saidmyfather.Mymotherenteredtheroomwiththeflowersinavase. 7"Here,I'llputthemonthistablebythewindow.""They'reniceflowers,Katy."Mymothersatdown."Wecan'tstaytoolong,"saidmyfather.UncleBenreachedunderthemattressandhishandcameoutholdingapackofcigarettes.Hetookoneout,struckamatchandlitit.Hetookalongdragandexhaled."Youknowyou'renotallowedcigarettes,"saidmyfather."Iknowhowyougetthem.Thoseprostitutesbringthemtoyou.Well,I'mgoingtotellthedoctorsaboutitandI'mgoingtogetthemtostoplettingthoseprostitutesinhere!""You'renotgoingtodoshit,"saidmyuncle."Igotagoodmindtoripthatcigaretteoutofyourmouth!"saidmyfather."Youneverhadagoodmind,"saidmyuncle."Ben,"mymothersaid,"youshouldn'tsmoke,itwillkillyou.""I'vehadagoodlife,"saidmyuncle."Youneverhadagoodlife,"saidmyfather."Lying,boozing,borrowing,whoring,drinking.Youneverworkedadayinyourlife!Andnowyou'redyingattheageof24!""It'sbeenallright,"saidmyuncle.HetookanotherheavydragontheCamel,thenexhaled."Let'sgetoutofhere,"saidmyfather."Thismanisinsane!"Myfatherstoodup.Thenmymotherstoodup.ThenIstoodup."Goodbye,Katy,"saidmyuncle,"andgoodbye,Henry."HelookedatmetoindicatewhichHenry.WefollowedmyfatherthroughthesanitariumhallsandoutintotheparkinglottotheModel-T.Wegotin,itstarted,andwebegandownthewindingroadoutofthemountains."Weshouldhavestayedlonger,"saidmymother."Don'tyouknowthatTBiscatching?"askedmyfather."Ithinkhewasaveryprettyman,"Isaid."It'sthedisease,"saidmyfather."Itmakesthemlooklikethat.AndbesidestheTB,he'scaughtmanyotherthingstoo.""Whatkindofthings?"Iasked."Ican'ttellyou,"myfatheranswered.HesteeredtheModel-TdownthewindingmountainroadasIwonderedaboutthat. 84ItwasanotherSundaythatwegotintotheModel-TinsearchofmyUncleJohn."Hehasnoambition,"saidmyfather."Idon'tseehowhecanholdhisgod-damnedheadupandlookpeopleintheeye.""Iwishhewouldn'tchewtobacco,"saidmymother."Hespitsthestuffeverywhere.""IfthiscountrywasfullofmenlikehimtheChinkswouldtakeoverandwe'dherunningthelaundries...""Johnneverhadachance,"saidmymother."Heranawayfromhomeearly.Atleastyougotahighschooleducation.""College,"saidmyfather."Where?"askedmymother."TheUniversityofIndiana.""Jacksaidyouonlywenttohighschool.""Jackonlywenttohighschool.That'swhyhegardensfortherich.""AmIevergoingtoseemyUncleJack?"Iasked."Firstlet'sseeifwecanfindyourUncleJohn,"saidmyfather."DotheChinksreallywanttotakeoverthiscountry?"Iasked."Thoseyellowdevilshavebeenwaitingforcenturiestodoit.What'sstoppedthemisthattheyhavebeenkeptbusyfightingtheJaps.""Whoarethebestfighters,theChinksortheJaps?""'TheJaps.ThetroubleisthattherearetoomanyChinks.WhenyoukillaChinkhesplitsinhalfandbecomestwoChinks.""Howcometheirskinisyellow?""Becauseinsteadofdrinkingwatertheydrinktheirownpee-pee.""Daddy,don'ttelltheboythat!""Thentellhimtostopaskingquestions."WedrovealongthroughanotherwarmLosAngelesday.Mymotherhadononeofherprettydressesandfancyhats.Whenmymotherwasdressedupshealwayssatstraightandheldherneckverystiff."IwishwehadenoughmoneysowecouldhelpJohnandhisfamily,"saidmymother."It'snotmyfaultiftheydon'thaveapottopissin,"answeredmyfather."Daddy,Johnwasinthewarjustlikeyouwere.Don'tyouthinkhedeservessomething?""Heneverroseintheranks.Ibecameamastersergeant.""Henry,allyourbrotherscan'tbelikeyou.""Theydon'thaveanygod-damneddrive!Theythinktheycanliveofftheland!"Wedrovealongabitfurther.UncleJohnandhisfamilylivedinasmallcourt.Wewentupthecrackedsidewalktoasaggingporchandmyfatherpushedthebell.Thebelldidn'tring.Heknocked,loudly."Openup!It'sthecops!"myfatheryelled."Daddy,stopit!"saidmymother.Afterwhatseemedalongtime,thedooropenedacrack.Thenitopenedfurther.AndwecouldseemyAuntAnna.Shewasverythin,hercheekswerehollowandhereyeshadpouches,darkpouches.Hervoicewasthin,too."Oh,Henry...Katherine...comein,please..."Wefollowedherin.Iherewasverylittlefurniture.Iherewasabreakfastnookwithatableandfourchairsandthereweretwobeds.Mymotherandfathersatinthechairs.Twogirls,KatherineandBetsy(Ilearnedtheirnameslater)wereatthesinktakingturnstryingtoscrapepeanutbutteroutofanearlyemptypeanutbutterjar."Wewerejusthavinglunch,"saidmyAuntAnna.Thegirlscameoverwithtinysmearsofpeanutbutterwhichtheyspreadondrypiecesofbread.Theykeptlookingintothejarandscrapingwiththeknife."Where'sJohn?"askedmyfather.Myauntsatdownwearily.Shelookedveryweak,verypale.Herdresswasdirty,herhairuncombed,tired,sad."We'vebeenwaitingforhim.Wehaven'tseenhimforquitesometime.""Wheredidhego?" 9"Idon'tknow.Hejustleftonhismotorcycle.""Allhedoes,"saidmyfather,"isthinkabouthismotorcycle.""IsthisHenry,Jr.?""Yes.""Hejuststares.He'ssoquiet.""That'sthewaywewanthim.""Stillwaterrunsdeep.""Notwiththisone.Theonlythingthatrunsdeepwithhimaretheholesinhisears."Thetwogirlstooktheirslicesofbreadandwalkedoutsideandsatonthestooptoeatthem.Theyhadn'tspokentous.Ithoughttheywerequitenice.Theywerethinliketheirmotherbuttheywerestillquitepretty."Howareyou,Anna?"askedmymother."I'mallright.""Anna,youdon'tlookwell.Ithinkyouneedfood.""Whydoesn'tyourboysitdown?Sitdown,Henry.""Helikestostand,"saidmyfather."Itmakeshimstrong.He'sgettingreadytofighttheChinks.""Don'tyouliketheChinese?"myauntaskedme."No,"Ianswered."Well,Anna,"myfatherasked,"howarethingsgoing?""Awful,really...Thelandlordkeepsaskingfortherent.Hegetsverynasty.Hefrightensme.Idon'tknowwhattodo.""IhearthecopsareafterJohn,"saidmyfather."Hedidn'tdoverymuch.""Whatdidhedo?""Hemadesomecounterfeitdimes.""Dimes?JesusChrist,whatkindofambitionisthat?""Johnreallydoesn'twanttobebad.""Seemstomehedoesn'twanttobeanything.""Hewouldifhecould.""Yeah.Andifafroghadwingshewouldn'twearhisassouta-hoppin'!"Therewassilencethenandtheysatthere.Iturnedandlookedoutside.Thegirlsweregonefromtheporch,theyhadgoneoffsomewhere."Come,sitdown,Henry,"saidmyAuntAnna.Istoodthere."Thankyou,it'sallright.""Anna,"mymotherasked,"areyousurethatJohnwillcomehack?""He'llcomebackwhenhegetstiredofthehens,"saidmyfather."Johnloveshischildren..."saidAnna."Ihearthecopsareafterhimforsomethingelse.""What?""Rape.""Rape?""Yes,Anna,Iheardaboutit.Hewasridinghismotorcycleoneday.Thisyounggirlwashitch-hiking.ShegotontothebackofhismotorcycleandastheyrodealongallofasuddenJohnsawanemptygarage.Hedroveinthere,closedthedoorandrapedthegirl""Howdidyoufindout?""Findout?Thecopscameandtoldme,theyaskedmewherehewas.""Didyoutellthem?""Whatfor?Tohavehimgotojailandevadehisresponsibilities?That'sjustwhathe'dwant.""Ineverthoughtofitthatway.""NotthatI'mforrape...""Sometimesamancan'thelpwhathedoes.""What?""Imean,afterhavingthechildren,andwiththistypeoflife,theworryandall...Idon'tlooksogoodanymore.Hesawayounggirl,shelookedgoodtohim...shegotonhisbike,youknow,sheputherarmsaroundhim...""What?"askedmyfather."Howwouldyouliketoberaped?""IguessIwouldn'tlikeit.""Well,I'msuretheyounggirldidn'tlikeiteither."Aflyappearedandwhirledaroundandaroundthetable.Wewatchedit."There'snothingtoeathere,"saidmyfather."Theflyhascometothewrongplace."Theflybecamemoreandmorebold.Itcircledcloserandmadebuzzingsounds.Thecloseritcircledthelouderthebuzzingbecame."You'renotgoingtotellthecopsthatJohnmightcomehome?"myauntaskedmyfather. 10"Iamnotgoingtolethimoffthehooksoeasily,"saidmyfather.Mymother'shandleapedquickly.Itclosedandshebroughtherhandbackdowntothetable."Igothim,"shesaid."Clotwhat?"askedmyfather.'Thefly,"shesmiled."Idon'tbelieveyou...""Youseetheflyanywhere?Theflyisgone.""Itflewoff.""No,Ihaveitinmyhand.""Nobodyisthatquick.""Ihaveitinmyhand.""Bullshit.""Youdon'tbelieveme?""No.""Openyourmouth.""Allright."Myfatheropenedhismouthandmymothercuppedherhandoverit.Myfatherleapedup,grabbingathisthroat."JESUSCHRIST!"Theflycameoutofhismouthandbegancirclingthetableagain."That'senough,"saidmyfather,"we'regoinghome!"HegotupandwalkedoutthedooranddownthewalkandgotintotheModel-Tandjustsatthereverystiffly,lookingdangerous."Webroughtyouafewcansoffood,"mymothersaidtomyaunt."I'msorryitcan'tbemoneybutHenryisafraidJohnwilluseitforgin,orforgasolineforhismotorcycle.Itisn'tmuch:soup,hash,peas...""Oh,Katherine,thankyou!Ithankyou,both..."MymothergotupandIfollowedher.Thereweretwoboxesofcannedfoodinthecar.Isawmyfathersittingthererigidly.Hewasstillangry.MymotherhandedmethesmallerboxofcansandshetookthelargeboxandIfollowedherbackintothecourt.Wesettheboxesdowninthebreakfastnook.AuntAnnacameoverandpickedupacan.Itwasacanofpeas,thelabelonitcoveredwithlittleroundgreenpeas."Thisislovely,"saidmyaunt."Anna,wehavetogo.Henry'sdignityisupset."Myauntthrewherarmsaroundmymother."Everythinghasbeensoawful.Butthisislikeadream.Waituntilthegirlscomehome.Waituntilthegirlsseeallthesecansoffood!"Mymotherhuggedmyauntback.Thentheyseparated."Johnisnotabadman,"myauntsaid."Iknow,"mymotheranswered."Goodbye,Anna.""Goodbye,Katherine.Goodbye,Henry."Mymotherturnedandwalkedoutthedoor.Ifollowedher.Wewalkedtothecarandgotin.Myfatherstartedthecar.AsweweredrivingoffIsawmyauntatthedoorwaving.Mymotherwavedback.Myfatherdidn'twaveback.Ididn'teither. 115Ihadbeguntodislikemyfather.Hewasalwaysangryaboutsomething.Whereverwewenthegotintoargumentswithpeople.Buthedidn'tappeartofrightenmostpeople;theyoftenjuststaredathim,calmly,andhebecamemorefurious.Ifweateout,whichwasseldom,healwaysfoundsomethingwrongwiththefoodandsometimesrefusedtopay."There'sflyshitinthiswhippedcream!Whatthehellkindofaplaceisthis?""I'msorry,sir,youneedn'tpay.Justleave.""I'llleave,allright!ButI'llbeback!I'llburnthisgod-damnedplacedown!"OncewewereinadrugstoreandmymotherandIwerestandingtoonesidewhilemyfatheryelledataclerk.Anotherclerkaskedmymother,"Whoisthathorribleman?Everytimehecomesinherethere'sanargument.""That'smyhusband,"mymothertoldtheclerk.Yet,Irememberanothertime.Hewasworkingasamilkmanandmadeearlymorningdeliveries.Onemorningheawakenedme."Comeon,Iwanttoshowyousomething."Iwalkedoutsidewithhim.Iwaswearingmypajamasandslippers.Itwasstilldark,themoonwasstillup.Wewalkedtothemilkwagonwhichwashorse-drawn.Thehorsestoodverystill."Watch,"saidmyfather.Hetookasugarcube,putitinhishandandhelditouttothehorse.Thehorseateitoutofhispalm."Nowyoutryit..."Heputasugarcubeinmyhand.Itwasaverylargehorse."Getcloser!Holdoutyourhand!"Iwasafraidthehorsewouldbitemyhandoff.Theheadcamedown;Isawthenostrils;thelipspulledback,Isawthetongueandtheteeth,andthenthesugarcubewasgone."Here.Tryitagain..."Itrieditagain.Thehorsetookthesugarcubeandwaggledhishead."Now,"saidmyfather,"I'lltakeyoubackinsidebeforethehorseshitsonyou."Iwasnotallowedtoplaywithotherchildren."Theyarebadchildren,"saidmyfather,"theirparentsarepoor.""Yes,"agreedmymother.Myparentswantedtoberichsotheyimaginedthemselvesrich.ThefirstchildrenofmyagethatIknewwereinkindergarten.Theyseemedverystrange,theylaughedandtalkedandseemedhappy.Ididn'tlikethem.IalwaysfeltasifIwasgoingtobesick,tovomit,andtheairseemedstrangelystillandwhite.Wepaintedwithwatercolors.Weplantedradishseedsinagardenandsomeweekslaterweatethemwithsalt.Ilikedtheladywhotaughtkindergarten,Ilikedherbetterthanmyparents.OneproblemIhadwasgoingtothebathroom.Ialwaysneededtogotothebathroom,butIwasashamedtolettheothersknowthatIhadtogo,soIheldit.Itwasreallyterribletoholdit.Andtheairwaswhite,Ifeltlikevomiting,Ifeltlikeshittingandpissing,butIdidn'tsayanything.AndwhensomeoftheotherscamebackfromthebathroomI'dthink,you'redirty,youdidsomethinginthere...Thelittlegirlswereniceintheirshortdresses,withtheirlonghairandtheirbeautifuleyes,hutIthought,theydothingsintheretoo,eventhoughtheypretendtheydon't.Kindergartenwasmostlywhiteair...Grammarschoolwasdifferent,firstgradetosixthgrade,someofthekidsweretwelveyearsold,andweallcamefrompoorneighborhoods.Ibegantogotothebathroom,butonlytopiss.ComingoutonceIsawasmallboydrinkingatawaterfountain.Alargerboywalkedupbehindhimandjammedhisfacedownintothewaterjet.Whenthesmallboyraisedhishead,someofhisteethwerebrokenandbloodcameoutofhismouth,therewasbloodinthefountain."Youtellanyoneaboutthis,"theolderboytoldhim,"andI'llreallygetyou."Theboytookoutahandkerchiefandheldittohismouth.IwalkedbacktoclasswheretheteacherwastellingusaboutGeorgeWashingtonandValleyForge.Sheworeanelaboratewhitewig.Sheoftenslappedthepalmsofourhandswitha 12rulerwhenshethoughtwewerebeingdisobedient.Idon'tthinksheeverwenttothebathroom.Ihatedher.Eachafternoonafterschooltherewouldbeafightbetweentwooftheolderboys.Itwasalwaysoutbythebackfencewheretherewasneverateacherabout.Andthefightswerenevereven;itwasalwaysalargerboyagainstasmallerboyandthelargerboywouldbeatthesmallerboywithhisfists,backinghimintothefence.Thesmallerboywouldattempttofightbackbutitwasuseless.Soonhisfacewasbloody,thebloodrunningdownintohisshirt.Thesmallerboystooktheirbeatingswordlessly,neverbegging,neveraskingmercy.Finally,thelargerboywouldbackoffanditwouldbeoverandalltheotherboyswouldwalkhomewiththewinner.I'dwalkhomequickly,alone,afterholdingmyshitallthroughschoolandallthroughthefight.UsuallybythetimeIgothomeIwouldhavelosttheurgetorelievemyself.Iusedtoworryaboutthat. 136Ididn'thaveanyfriendsatschool,didn'twantany.Ifeltbetterbeingalone.Isatonabenchandwatchedtheothersplayandtheylookedfoolishtome.DuringlunchonedayIwasapproachedbyanewboy.Heworeknickers,wascross-eyedandpigeon-toed.Ididn'tlikehim,hedidn'tlookgood.Hesatonthebenchnexttome."Hello,myname'sDavid."Ididn'tanswer.Heopenedhislunchbag."I'vegotpeanutbuttersandwiches,"hesaid."Whatdoyouhave?""Peanutbuttersandwiches.""I'vegotabanana,too.Andsomepotatochips.Wantsomepotatochips?"Itooksome.Hehadplenty,theywerecrispandsalty,thesunshonerightthroughthem.Theyweregood."CanIhavesomemore?""Allright."Itooksomemore.Heevenhadjellyonhispeanutbuttersandwiches.Itdrippedoutandranoverhisfingers.Daviddidn'tseemtonotice,"Wheredoyoulive?"heasked."VirginiaRoad.""IliveonPickford.Wecanwalkhometogetherafterschool.Takesomemorepotatochips.Who'syourteacher?""Mrs.Columbine.""IhaveMrs.Reed.I'llseeyouafterclass,we'llwalkhometogether."Whydidhewearthoseknickers?Whatdidhewant?Ireallydidn'tlikehim.Itooksomemoreofhispotatochips.Thatafternoon,afterschool,hefoundmeandbeganwalkingalongbesideme."Younevertoldmeyourname,"hesaid."Henry,"Ianswered.AswewalkedalongInoticedawholegangofboys,firstgraders,followingus.Atfirsttheywerehalfablockbehindus,thentheyclosedthegaptoseveralyardsbehindus."Whatdotheywant?"IaskedDavid.Hedidn'tanswer,justkeptwalking."Hey,knicker-shitter!"oneofthemyelled."Yourmothermakeyoushitinyourknickers?""Pigeon-toe,ho-ho,pigeon-toe!""Cross-eye!Getreadytodie!"Thentheycircledus."Who'syourfriend?Doeshekissyourrearend?"OneofthemhadDavidbythecollar.Hethrewhimontoalawn.Davidstoodup.Aboygotdownbehindhimonhishandsandknees.TheotherboyshovedhimandDavidfelloverbackwards.Anotherboyrolledhimoverandrubbedhisfaceinthegrass.Thentheysteppedback.Davidgotupagain.Hedidn'tmakeasoundbutthetearswererollingdownhisface.Thelargestboywalkeduptohim."Wedon'twantyouinourschool,sissy.Getoutofourschool!"HepunchedDavidinthestomach.Davidbentoverandashedid,theboybroughthiskneeupintoDavid'sface.Davidfell.Hehadabloodynose.Thentheboyscircledme."Yourturnnow!"TheykeptcirclingandastheydidIkeptturning.Therewerealwayssomeofthembehindme.HereIwasloadedwithshitandIhadtofight.Iwasterrifiedandcalmatthesametime.Ididn'tunderstandtheirmotive.TheykeptcirclingandIkeptturning.Itwentonandon.TheyscreamedthingsatmebutIdidn'thearwhattheysaid.Finallytheybackedoffandwentawaydownthestreet.Davidwaswaitingforme.WewalkeddownthesidewalktowardhisplaceonPickfordStreet.Thenwewereinfrontofhishouse."I'vegottogoinnow.Goodbye.""Goodbye,David."HewentinandthenIheardhismother'svoice."David!Lookatyourknickersandshirt!They'retornandfullofgrassstains!Youdothisalmosteveryday!Tellme,whydoyoudoit?" 14Daviddidn'tanswer."Iaskedyouaquestion!Whydoyoudothistoyourclothes?""Ican'thelpit,Mom...""Youcan'thelpit?Youstupidboy!"Iheardherbeatinghim.Davidbegantocryandshebeathimharder.Istoodonthefrontlawnandlistened.Afterawhilethebeatingstopped.IcouldhearDavidsobbing.Thenhestopped.Hismothersaid,"Now,Iwantyoutopracticeyourviolinlesson."Isatdownonthelawnandwaited.ThenIheardtheviolin.Itwasaverysadviolin.Ididn'tlikethewayDavidplayed.Isatandlistenedforsometimebutthemusicdidn'tgetanybetter.Theshithadhardenedinsideofme.Inolongerfeltlikeshifting.Theafternoonlighthurtmyeyes.Ifeltlikevomiting.Igotupandwalkedhome. 157Therewerecontinualfights.Theteachersdidn'tseemtoknowanythingaboutthem.Andtherewasalwaystroublewhenitrained.Anyboywhobroughtanumbrellatoschoolorworearaincoatwassingledout.Mostofourparentsweretoopoortobuyussuchthings.Andwhentheydid,wehidtheminthebushes.Anybodyseencarryinganumbrellaorwearingaraincoatwasconsideredasissy.Theywerebeatenafterschool.David'smotherhadhimcarryanumbrellawheneveritwastheleastbitcloudy.Thereweretworecessperiods.Thefirstgradersgatheredattheirownbaseballdiamondandtheteamswerechosen.DavidandIstoodtogether.Itwasalwaysthesame.IwaschosennexttolastandDavidwaschosenlast,sowealwaysplayedondifferentteams.DavidwasworsethanIwas.Withhiscrossedeyes,hecouldn'tevenseetheball.Ineededlotsofpractice.Ihadneverplayedwiththekidsintheneighborhood.Ididn'tknowhowtocatchaballorhowtohitone.ButIwantedto,Ilikedit.Davidwasafraidoftheball,Iwasn't.Iswunghard,IswungharderthananybodybutIcouldneverhittheball.Ialwaysstruckout.OnceIfouledaballoff.Thatfeltgood.AnothertimeIdrewawalk.WhenIgottofirst,thefirstbasemansaid,"That'stheonlywayyou'llevergethere."Istoodandlookedathim.Hewaschewinggumandhehadlongblackhairscomingoutofhisnostrils.HishairwasthickwithVaseline.Heworeaperpetualsneer."Whatarcyoulookingat?"heaskedme.Ididn'tknowwhattosay.Iwasn'tusedtoconversation."Theguyssayyou'recrazy,"hetoldme,"butyoudon'tscareme.I'llbewaitingforyouafterschoolsomeday."Ikeptlookingathim.Hehadaterribleface.ThenthepitcherwoundupandIbrokeforsecond.Iranlikecrazyandslidintosecond.Theballarrivedlate.Ihetagwaslate."You'reout!"screamedtheboywhoseturnitwastoumpire.Igotup,notbelievingit."Isaid,YOU'REOUT!"'theumpirescreamed.ThenIknewthatIwasnotaccepted.DavidandIwerenotaccepted.Iheotherswantedme"out"becauseIwassupposedtobe"out."TheyknewDavidandIwerefriends.ItwasbecauseofDavidthatIwasn'twanted.AsIwalkedoffthediamondIsawDavidplayingthirdbaseinhisknickers.Hisblueandyellowstockingshadfallendownaroundhisfeet.Whyhadhechosenme?Iwasamarkedman.ThatafternoonafterschoolIquicklyleftclassandwalkedhomealone,withoutDavid.Ididn'twanttowatchhimbeatenagainbyourclassmatesorbyhismother.Ididn'twanttolistentohissadviolin.Butthenextdayatlunchtime,whenhesatdownnexttomeIatehispotatochips.Mydaycame.IwastallandIfeltverypowerfulattheplate.Icouldn'tbelievethatIwasasbadastheywishedmetobe.Iswungwildlybutwithforce.IknewIwasstrong,andmaybeliketheysaid,"crazy."ButIhadthisfeelinginsideofmethatsomethingrealwasthere.Justhardenedshit,maybe,hutthatwasmorethantheyhad.Iwasupatbat."Hey,it'stheSTRIKEOUTKING!MR.WINDMILL!"Theballarrived.IswungandIfeltthebatconnectlikeIhadwantedittodoforsolong.Theballwentup,upandHIGH,intoleftheld,'wayOVERtheleftholder'shead.HisnamewasDonBrubakerandhestoodandwatcheditflyoverhishead.Itlookedlikeitwasnevergoingtocomedown.ThenBrubakerstartedrunningaftertheball.Hewantedtothrowmeout.Hewouldneverdoit.Theballlandedandrolledontoadiamondwheresome5thgraderswereplaying.Iranslowlytofirst,hitthebag,lookedattheguyonfirst,ranslowlytosecond,touchedit,rantothirdwhereDavidstood,ignoredhim,taggedthirdandwalkedtohomeplate.Neversuchaday.Neversuchahomerunbyafirstgrader!AsIsteppedonhomeplateIheardoneoftheplayers,Irving 16Bone,saytotheteamcaptain,StanleyGreenberg,"Let'sputhimontheregularteam."(Theregularteamplayedteamsfromotherschools.)"No,"saidStanleyGreenberg.Stanleywasright.Ineverhitanotherhomerun.Istruckoutmostofthetime.Buttheyalwaysrememberedthathomerunandwhiletheystillhatedme,itwasabetterkindofhatred,liketheyweren'tquitesurewhy.Footballseasonwasworse.Weplayedtouchfootball.Icouldn'tcatchthefootballorthrowitbutIgotintoonegame.WhentherunnercamethroughIgrabbedhimbytheshirtcollarandthrewhimontheground.Whenhestartedtogetup,Ikickedhim.Ididn'tlikehim.Itwasthefirstbasemanwithvaselineinhishairandthehairinhisnostrils.StanleyGreenbergcameover.Hewaslargerthananyofus.Hecouldhavekilledmeifhe'dwantedto.Hewasourleader.Whateverhesaid,thatwasit.Hetoldme,"Youdon'tunderstandtherules.Nomorefootballforyou."Iwasmovedintovolleyball.IplayedvolleyballwithDavidandtheothers.Itwasn'tanygood.Theyyelledandscreamedandgotexcited,buttheotherswereplayingfootball.Iwantedtoplayfootball.AllIneededwasalittlepractice.Volleyballwasshameful.Girlsplayedvolleyball.AfterawhileIwouldn'tplay.Ijuststoodinthecenterofthefieldwherenobodywasplaying.Iwastheonlyonewhowouldnotplayanything.Istoodthereeachdayandwaitedthroughthetworecesssessions,untiltheywereover.OnedaywhileIwasstandingthere,moretroublecame.Afootballsailedfromhighbehindmeandhitmeonthehead.Itknockedmetotheground.Iwasverydizzy.Theystoodaroundsnickeringandlaughing."Oh,look,Henryfainted!Henryfaintedlikealady!Oh,lookatHenry!"Igotupwhilethesunspunaround.Thenitstoodstill.Theskymovedcloserandflattenedout.Itwaslikebeinginacage.Theystoodaroundme,faces,noses,mouthsandeyes.BecausetheyweretauntingmeIthoughttheyhaddeliberatelyhitmewiththefootball.Itwasunfair."Whokickedthatball?"Iasked."Youwannaknowwhokickedtheball?""Yes.""Whatareyougoingtodowhenyoufindout?"Ididn'tanswer."ItwasBillySherril,"somebodysaid.Billywasaroundfatboy,reallynicerthanmost,buthewasoneofthem.IbeganwalkingtowardBilly.Hestoodthere.WhenIgotcloseheswung.Ialmostdidn'tfeelit.IhithimbehindhisleftearandwhenhegrabbedhisearIhithiminthestomach.Hefelltotheground.Hestayeddown."Getupandfighthim,Billy,"saidStanleyGreenberg.StanleyliftedBillyupandpushedhimtowardme.IpunchedBillyinthemouthandhegrabbedhismouthwithbothhands."O.K.,"saidStanley,"I'lltakehisplace!"Theboyscheered.Idecidedtorun,Ididn'twanttodie.Butthenateachercameup."What'sgoingonhere?"ItwasMr.Hall."HenrypickedonBilly,"saidStanleyGreenberg."Isthatright,boys?"askedMr.Hall."Yes,"theysaid.Mr.Halltookmebytheearallthewaytotheprincipal'soffice.Hepushedmeintoachairinfrontofanemptydeskandthenknockedontheprincipal'sdoor.Hewasinthereforsometimeandwhenhecameoutheleftwithoutlookingatme.Isattherefiveortenminutesbeforetheprincipalcameoutandsatbehindthedesk.Hewasaverydignifiedmanwithamassofwhitehairandabluebowtie.Helookedlikearealgentleman.HisnamewasMr.Knox.Mr.Knoxfoldedhishandsandlookedatmewithoutspeaking.WhenhedidthatIwasnotsosurethathewasagentleman.Heseemedtowanttohumbleme,treatmeliketheothers."Well,"hesaidatlast,"tellmewhathappened.""Nothinghappened.""Youhurtthatboy,BillySherril.Hisparentsaregoingtowanttoknowwhy." 17Ididn'tanswer."Doyouthinkyoucantakemattersintoyourownhandswhensomethinghappensyoudon'tlike?""No.""Thenwhydidyoudoit?"Ididn'tanswer."Doyouthinkyou'rebetterthanotherpeople?""No."Mr.Knoxsatthere.Hehadalongletteropenerandhesliditbackandforthonthegreenfeltpaddingofthedesk.Hehadalargebottleofgreeninkonhisdeskandapenholderwithfourpens.Iwonderedifhewouldbeatme."Thenwhydidyoudowhatyoudid?"Ididn'tanswer.Mr.Knoxslidtheletteropenerbackandforth.Thephonerang.Hepickeditup."Hello?Oh,Mrs.Kirby?Hewhat?What?Listen,can'tyouadministerthediscipline?I'mbusynow.Allright,I'llphoneyouwhenI'mdonewiththisone..."Hehungup.Hebrushedhisfinewhitehairbackoutofhiseyeswithonehandandlookedatme."Whydoyoucausemeallthistrouble?"Ididn'tanswerhim."Youthinkyou'retough,huh?"Ikeptsilent."Toughkid,huh?"TherewasaflycirclingMr.Knox'sdesk.Ithoveredoverhisgreeninkbottle.Thenitlandedontheblackcapoftheinkbottleandsatthererubbingitswings."O.K.,kid,you'retoughandI'mtough.Let'sshakehandsonthat."Ididn'tthinkIwastoughsoIdidn'tgivehimmyhand."Comeon,givemeyourhand."Istretchedmyhandoutandhetookitandbeganshakingit.Thenhestoppedshakingitandlookedatme.Hehadbluecleareyeslighterthantheblueofhisbowtie.Hiseyeswerealmostbeautiful.Hekeptlookingatmeandholdingmyhand.Hisgripbegantotighten."Iwanttocongratulateyouforbeingatoughguy."Hisgriptightenedsomemore."DoyouthinkI'matoughguy?"Ididn'tanswer.Hecrushedthebonesofmyfingerstogether.Icouldfeeltheboneofeachfingercuttinglikeabladeintothefleshofthefingernexttoit.Shotsofredflashedbeforemyeyes."DoyouthinkI'matoughguy?"heasked."I'llkillyou,"Isaid."You'llwhat?"Mr.Knoxtightenedhisgrip.Hehadahandlikeavise.Icouldseeeveryporeinhisface."Toughguysdon'tscream,dothey?"Icouldn'tlookathisfaceanymore.Iputmyfacedownonthedesk."AmIatoughguy?"askedMr.Knox.Hesqueezedharder.Ihadtoscream,butIkeptitasquietaspossiblesonooneintheclassescouldhearme."Now,amIatoughguy?"Iwaited.Ihatedtosayit.ThenIsaid,"Yes."Mr.Knoxletgoofmyhand.Iwasafraidtolookatit.Iletithangbymyside.InoticedthattheflywasgoneandIthought,it'snotsobadtobeafly.Mr.Knoxwaswritingonapieceofpaper."Now,Henry,I'mwritingalittlenotetoyourparentsandIwantyoutodeliverittothem.Andyouwilldeliverittothem,won'tyou?""Yes."Hefoldedthenoteintoanenvelopeandhandedittome.TheenvelopewassealedandIhadnodesiretoopenit. 188Itooktheenvelopehometomymotherandhandedittoherandwalkedintothebedroom.Mybedroom.Thebestthingaboutthebedroomwasthebed.Ilikedtostayinbedforhours,evenduringthedaywiththecoverspulleduptomychin.Itwasgoodinthere,nothingeveroccurredinthere,nopeople,nothing.Mymotheroftenfoundmeinbedinthedaytime."Henry,getup!It'snotgoodforayoungboytolayinbedallday!Now,getup!Dosomething!"Buttherewasnothingtodo.Ididn'tgotobedthatday.Mymotherwasreadingthenote.SoonIheardhercrying.Thenshewaswailing."Oh,mygod!You'vedisgracedyourfatherandmyself!It'sadisgrace!Supposetheneighborsfindout?Whatwilltheneighborsthink?"Theyneverspoketotheirneighbors.Thenthedooropenedandmymothercamerunningintotheroom:"Howcouldyouhavedonethistoyourmother?"Thetearswererunningdownherface.Ifeltguilty."Waituntilyourfathergetshome!'"SheslammedthebedroomdoorandIsatinthechairandwaited.SomehowIfeltguilty...Iheardmyfathercomein.Healwaysslammedthedoor,walkedheavily,andtalkedloudly.Hewashome.Afterafewmomentsthebedroomdooropened.Hewassixfeettwo,alargeman.Everythingvanished,thechairIwassittingin,thewallpaper,thewalls,allofmythoughts.Hewasthedarkcoveringthesun,theviolenceofhimmadeeverythingelseutterlydisappear.Hewasallears,nose,mouth,Icouldn'tlookathiseyes,therewasonlyhisredangryface."Allright,Henry.Intothebathroom."Iwalkedinandheclosedthedoorbehindus.Thewallswerewhite.Therewasabathroommirrorandasmallwindow,thescreenblackandbroken.Therewasthebathtubandthetoiletandthetiles.Hereachedandtookdowntherazorstropwhichhungfromahook.Itwasgoingtobethefirstofmanysuchbearings,whichwouldrecurmoreandmoreoften.Always,Ifelt,withoutrealreason."Allright,takedownyourpants."Itookmypantsdown."Pulldownyourshorts."Ipulledthemdown.Thenhelaidonthestrop.Thefirstblowinflictedmoreshockthanpain.Thesecondhurtmore.Eachblowwhichfollowedincreasedthepain.AtfirstIwasawareofthewalls,thetoilet,thetub.FinallyIcouldn'tseeanything.Ashebeatme,heberatedme,butIcouldn'tunderstandthewords.Ithoughtabouthisroses,howhegrewrosesintheyard.Ithoughtabouthisautomobileinthegarage.Itriednottoscream.IknewthatifIdidscreamhemightstop,butknowingthis,andknowinghisdesireformetoscream,preventedme.ThetearsranfrommyeyesasIremainedsilent.Afterawhileitallbecamejustawhirlpool,ajumble,andtherewasonlythedeadlypossibilityofbeingthereforever.Finally,likesomethingjerkedintoaction,Ibegantosob,swallowingandchokingonthesaltslimethatrandownmythroat.Hestopped.Hewasnolongerthere.Ibecameawareofthelittlewindowagainandthemirror.Therewastherazorstrophangingfromthehook,longandbrownandtwisted.Icouldn'tbendovertopullupmypantsormyshortsandIwalkedtothedoor,awkwardly,myclothesaroundmyfeet.Iopenedthebathroomdoorandtherewasmymotherstandinginthehall."Itwasn'tright,"Itoldher."Whydidn'tyouhelpme?""Thefather,"shesaid,"isalwaysright."Thenmymotherwalkedaway.Iwenttomybedroom,draggingmyclothingaroundmyfeetandsatontheedgeofthebed.Themattresshurtme.Outside,throughtherearscreenIcouldseemyfather'srosesgrowing.Theywereredandwhiteandyellow,largeandfull.Thesunwasverylowbutnotyetsetandthelastofitslantedthroughtherearwindow.Ifeltthateventhesunbelongedtomy 19father,thatIhadnorighttoitbecauseitwasshininguponmyfather'shouse.Iwaslikehisroses,somethingthatbelongedtohimandnottome... 209BythetimetheycalledmetodinnerIwasabletopullupmyclothingandwalktothebreakfastnookwhereweateallourmealsexceptonSunday.Thereweretwopillowsonmychair.Isatonthembutmylegsandassstillburned.Myfatherwastalkingabouthisjob,asalways."ItoldSullivantocombinethreeroutesintotwoandletonemangofromeachshift.Nobodyisreallypullingtheirweightaroundthere...""Theyoughttolistentoyou,Daddy,"saidmymother."Please,"Isaid,"pleaseexcusemebutIdon'tfeellikeeating..."You'lleatyourFOOD!"saidmyfather."Yourmotherpreparedthisfood!""Yes,"saidmymother,"carrotsandpeasandroastbeef.""Andthemashedpotatoesandgravy,"saidmyfather."I'mnothungry.""Youwilleateverycarrot,andpeeonyourplate!"saidmyfather.Hewastryingtobefunny.Thatwasoneofhisfavoriteremarks."DADDY!"saidmymotherinshockeddisbelief.Ibeganeating.Itwasterrible.IfeltasifIwereeatingthem,whattheybelievedin,whattheywere.Ididn'tchewanyofit,Ijustswallowedittogetridofit.Meanwhilemyfatherwastalkingabouthowgooditalltasted,howluckyweweretobeeatinggoodfoodwhenmostofthepeopleintheworld,andmanyeveninAmerica,werestarvingandpoor."What'sfordessert.Mama?"myfatherasked.Hisfacewashorrible,thelipspushedout,greasyandwetwithpleasure.Heactedasifnothinghadhappened,asifhehadn'tbeatenme.WhenIwasbackinmybedroomIthought,thesepeoplearenotmyparents,theymusthaveadoptedmeandnowtheyareunhappywithwhatIhavebecome. 2110LilaJanewasagirlmyagewholivednextdoor.Istillwasn'tallowedtoplaywiththechildrenintheneighborhood,butsittinginthebedroomoftengotdull.Iwouldgooutandwalkaroundinthebackyard,lookingatthings,bugsmostly.OrIwouldsitonthegrassandimaginethings.OnethingIimaginedwasthatIwasagreatbaseballplayer,sogreatthatIcouldgetahiteverytimeatbat,orahomerunanytimeIwantedto.ButIwoulddeliberatelymakeoutsjusttotricktheotherteam.IgotmyhitswhenIfeltlikeit.Oneseason,goingintoJuly,Iwashittingonly.139withonehomerun.HENRYCHINASKIISFINISHED,thenewspaperssaid.ThenIbegantohit.AndhowIhit!AtonetimeIallowedmyself16homerunsinarow.AnothertimeIbattedin24runsinonegame.BytheendoftheseasonIwashitting.523.LilaJanewasoneoftheprettygirlsI'dseenatschool.Shewasoneofthenicest,andshewaslivingrightnextdoor.OnedaywhenIwasintheyardshecameuptothefenceandstoodtherelookingatme."Youdon'tplaywiththeotherboys,doyou?"Ilookedather.Shehadlongred-brownhairanddarkbrowneyes."No,"Isaid,"no,Idon't.""Whynot?""Iseethemenoughatschool.""I'mLilaJane,"shesaid."I'mHenry."ShekeptlookingatmeandIsatthereonthegrassandlookedather.Thenshesaid,"Doyouwanttoseemypanties?""Sure,"Isaid.Sheliftedherdress.Thepantieswerepinkandclean.Theylookedgood.ShekeptholdingherdressupandthenturnedaroundsothatIcouldseeherbehind.Herbehindlookednice.Thenshepulledherdressdown."Goodbye,"shesaidandwalkedoff."Goodbye,"Isaid.Ithappenedeachafternoon."Doyouwanttoseemypanties?""Sure."Thepantieswerenearlyalwaysadifferentcolorandeachtimetheylookedbetter.OneafternoonafterLilaJaneshowedmeherpantiesIsaid,"Let'sgoforawalk.""Allright,"shesaid.Imetherinfrontandwewalkeddownthestreettogether.Shewasreallypretty.Wewalkedalongwithoutsayinganythinguntilwecametoavacantlot.Theweedsweretallandgreen."Let'sgointothevacantlot,"Isaid."Allright,"saidLilaJane.Wewalkedoutintothetallweeds."Showmeyourpantiesagain."Sheliftedherdress.Bluepanties."Let'sstretchouthere,"Isaid.WegotdownintheweedsandIgrabbedherbythehairandkissedher.ThenIpulledupherdressandlookedatherpanties.Iputmyhandonherbehindandkissedheragain.Ikeptkissingherandgrabbingatherbehind.Ididthisforquitealongtime.ThenIsaid,"Let'sdoit."Iwasn'tsurewhattherewastodobutIfelttherewasmore."No,Ican't,"shesaid."Whynot?""Thosemenwillsee.""Whatmen?""There!"shepointed.Ilookedbetweentheweeds.Maybehalfablockawaysomemenwereworkingrepairingthestreet."Theycan'tseeus!""Yes,theycan!"Igotup."Goddamnit!"IsaidandIwalkedoutofthelotandwentbackhome. 22Ididn'tseeLilaJaneagainforawhileintheafternoons.Itdidn'tmatter.ItwasfootballseasonandIwas--inmyimagination--agreatquarterback.Icouldthrowtheball90yardsandkickit80.Butweseldomhadtokick,notwhenIcarriedtheball.Iwasbestrunningintogrownmen.Icrushedthem.Ittookfiveorsixmentotackleme.Sometimes,likeinbaseball,IfeltsorryforeverybodyandIallowedmyselftobetackledafteronlygaining8or10yards.ThenIusuallygotinjured,badly,andtheyhadtocarrymeoffthefield.Myteamwouldfallbehind,say40to17,andwith3or4minuteslefttoplayI'dreturn,angrythatIhadbeeninjured.EverytimeIgottheballIranallthewaytoatouchdown.Howthecrowdscreamed!AndondefenseImadeeverytackle,interceptedeverypass.Iwaseverywhere.Chinaski,theFury!WiththegunreadytogooffItookthekickoffdeepinmyownendzone.Iranforward,sideways,backwards.Ibroketackleaftertackle,Ileapedoverfallentacklers.Iwasn'tgettinganyblocking.Myteamwasabunchofsissies.Finally,withfivemenhangingontomeIrefusedtofallanddraggedthemoverthegoallineforthewinningtouchdown.Ilookeduponeafternoonasabigguyenteredouryardthroughthebackgate.Hewalkedinandjuststoodtherelookingatme.HewasayearorsoolderthanIwasandhewasn'tfrommygrammarschool."I'mfromMarmountGrammarSchool,"hesaid."Youbettergetoutofhere,"Itoldhim."Myfatherwillbecominghomesoon,""Isthatright?"heasked.Istoodup."Whatareyoudoinghere?""IhearyouguysfromDelseyGrammarthinkyou'retough.""Wewinalltheinter-schoolgames.""That'sbecauseyoucheat.Wedon'tlikecheatersatMarmount."Hehadonanoldblueshirt,halfunbuttonedinfront.Hehadaleatherthongonhisleftwrist."Youthinkyou'retough?"heaskedme."No.""Whatdoyouhaveinyourgarage?IthinkI'lltakesomethingfromyourgarage.""Stayoutofthere."Thegaragedoorswereopenandhewalkedpastme.Therewasn'tmuchinthere.Hefoundanolddeflatedbeachballandpickeditup."IthinkI'lltakethis.""Putitdown.""Downyourthroat!"hesaidandthenhethrewitatmyhead.Iducked.Hecameoutofthegaragetowardme.Ibackedup.Hefollowedmeintotheyard."Cheatersneverprosper!"hesaid.Heswungatme.Iducked.Icouldfeelthewindfromhisswing.Iclosedmyeyes,rushedhimandstartedpunching.Iwashittingsomething,sometimes.Icouldfeelmyselfgettinghitbutitdidn'thurt.MostlyIwasscared.There-wasnothingtodobuttokeeppunching.ThenIheardavoice:"Stopit!"ItwasLilaJane.Shewasinmybackyard.Webothstoppedfighting.Shetookanoldtincanandthrewit.IthittheboyfromMarmountinthemiddleoftheforeheadandbouncedoff.Hestoodthereamomentandthenranoff,cryingandhowling.Heranoutthereargateanddownthealleyandwasgone.Alittletincan.Iwassurprised,abigguylikehimcryinglikethat.AtDelseywehadacode.Wenevermadeasound.Eventhesissiestooktheirbeatingssilently.ThoseguysfromMarmountweren'tmuch."Youdidn'thavetohelpme,"ItoldLilaJane."Hewashittingyou!""Hewasn'thurtingme."LilaJaneranoffthroughtheyard,outthereargate,thenintoheryardandintoherhouse.LilaJanestilllikesme,Ithought. 2311DuringthesecondandthirdgradesIstilldidn'tgetachancetoplaybaseballbutIknewthatsomehowIwasdevelopingintoaplayer.IfIevergotabatinmyhandsagainIknewIwouldhititovertheschoolbuilding.OnedayIwasstandingaroundandateachercameuptome."Whatareyoudoing?""Nothing.""ThisisPhysicalEducation.Youshouldbeparticipating.Areyoudisabled?""What?""Isthereanythingwrongwithyou?""Idon'tknow.""Comewithme."Hewalkedmeovertoagroup.Theywereplayingkickball.Kickballwaslikebaseballexcepttheyusedasoccerball.Thepitcherrolledittotheplateandyoukickedit.Ifitwentonaflyandwascaughtyouwereout.Ifitrolledonthroughtheinfieldoryoukickedithighbetweenthefieldersyoutookasmanybasesasyoucould."What'syourname?"theteacheraskedme."Henry."Hewalkeduptothegroup."Now,"hesaid,"Henryisgoingtoplayshortstop."Theywerefrommygrade.Theyallknewme.Shortstopwasthetoughestposition.Iwentoutthere.Iknewtheyweregoingtoganguponme.Thepitcherrolledtheballrealslowandthefirstguykickeditrightatme.Itcamehard,chesthigh,butitwasnoproblem.TheballwasbigandIstuckoutmyhandsandcaughtit.Ithrewtheballtothepitcher.Thenextguydidthesamething.Itcamealittlehigherthistime.Andalittlefaster.Noproblem.ThenStanleyGreenbergwalkeduptotheplate.Thatwasit.Iwasoutofluck.ThepitcherrolledtheballandStanleykickedit.Itcameatmelikeacannonball,headhigh.Iwantedtoduckbutdidn't.TheballsmashedintomyhandsandIheldit.Itooktheballandrolledittothepitcher'smound.Threeouts.Itrottedtothesideline.AsIdid,someguypassedmeandsaid,"Chinaski,thegreatshitstop!"Itwastheboywiththevaselineinhishairandthelongblacknostrilhairs.Ispunaround."Hey!"Isaid.Hestopped.Ilookedathim."Don'teversayanythingtomeagain."Isawthefearinhiseyes.HewalkedouttohispositionandIwentandleanedagainstthefencewhileourteamcametotheplate.NobodystoodnearmebutIdidn'tcare.Iwasgainingground.Itwasdifficulttounderstand.Wewerethechildreninthepoorestschool,wehadthepoorest,leasteducatedparents,mostofuslivedonterriblefood,andyetboyforboyweweremuchbiggerthantheboysfromothergrammarschoolsaroundthecity.Ourschoolwasfamous.Wewerefeared.Our6thgradeteambeattheother6thgradeteamsinthecityverybadly.Especiallyinbaseball.Scoreslike14toI,24to3,19to2.Wejustcouldhittheball.OnedaytheCityChampionJuniorHighSchoolteam,MirandaBell,challengedus.Somehowmoneywasraisedandeachofourplayerswasgivenanewbluecapwithawhite"D"infront.Ourteamlookedgoodinthosecaps.WhentheMirandaBellguysshowedup,the7thgradechamps,our6thgradeguysjustlookedatthemandlaughed.Wewerebigger,welookedtougher,wewalkeddifferently,weknewsomethingthattheydidn'tknow.Weyoungerguyslaughedtoo.Weknewwehadthemwherewewantedthem.TheMirandaguyslookedtoopolite.Theywereveryquiet.Theirpitcherwastheirbiggestplayer.Hestruckoutourfirstthreebatters,someofourbesthitters.ButwehadLowballJohnson.Lowballdidthesametothem.Itwentonlikethat,bothsidesstrikingout,orhittinglittlegroundersandanoccasionalsingle,butnothingelse.Thenwewereatbatinthebottomofthe7th.BeefcakeCappallettinailedone.God,youcouldheartheshot!Theballlookedlikeitwasgoingtohitthe 24schoolbuildingandbreakawindow.NeverhadIseenaballtakeofflikethat!Ithittheflagpolenearthetopandbouncedbackin.Easyhomerun.Cappallettiroundedthebasesandourguyslookedgoodintheirnewbluecapswiththewhite"13."TheMirandaguysjustquitafterthat.Theydidn'tknowhowtocomeback.Theycamefromawealthydistrict,theydidn'tknowwhatitmeanttofightback.Ournextguydoubled.Howwescreamed!Itwasover.Therewasnothingtheycoulddo.Thenextbattertripled.Theychangedpitchers.Hewalkedthenextguy.Thenextbattersingled.Beforetheinningwasoverwehadscorednineruns.Mirandanevergotachancetobatinthe8th.Our5thgraderswentoverandchallengedthemtofight.Evenoneofthe4thgradersranoverandpickedafightwithoneofthem.TheMirandaguystooktheirequipmentandleft.Weranthemoff,upthestreet.Therewasnothinglefttodosoacoupleofourguysgotintoafight.Itwasagoodone.Theybothhadbloodynosesbutwereswinginggoodwhenoneoftheteacherswhohadstayedtowatchthegamebrokeitup.Hedidn'tknowhowclosehecametogettingjumpedhimself. 2512Onenightmyfathertookmeonhismilkroute.Therewerenolongeranyhorse-drawnwagons.Themilktrucksnowhadengines.Afterloadingupatthemilkcompanywedroveoffonhisroute.Ilikedbeingoutintheveryearlymorning.ThemoonwasupandIcouldseethestars.Itwascoldbutitwasexciting.Iwonderedwhymyfatherhadaskedmetocomealongsincehehadtakentobeatingmewiththerazorstroponceortwiceaweekandweweren'tgettingalong.Ateachstophewouldjumpoutanddeliverabottleortwoofmilk.Sometimesitwascottagecheeseorbuttermilkorbutterandnowandthenabottleoforangejuice.Mostofthepeopleleftnotesintheemptybottlesexplainingwhattheywanted.Myfatherdrovealong,stoppingandstarting,makingdeliveries."O.K.,kid,whichdirectionarewedrivinginnow?""North.""You'reright.We'regoingnorth."Wewentupanddownstreets,stoppingandstarting."O.K.,whichwayarewegoingnow?""West.""No,we'regoingsouth."Wedrovealonginsilencesomemore."SupposeIpushedyououtofthetrucknowandleftyouonthesidewalk,whatwouldyoudo?""Idon'tknow.""Imean,howwouldyoulive?""Well,IguessI'dgobackanddrinkthemilkandorangejuiceyoujustleftontheporchsteps.""Thenwhatwouldyoudo?""I'dfindapolicemanandtellhimwhatyoudid.""Youwould,hub?Andwhatwouldyoutellhim?""I'dtellhimthatyoutoldmethat'west'was'south'becauseyouwantedmetogetlost."Itbegantogetlight.Soonallthedeliveriesweremadeandwestoppedatacafetohavebreakfast.Thewaitresswalkedover."Hello,Henry,"shesaidtomyfather."Hello,Betty.""Who'sthekid?"askedBetty."That'slittleHenry.""Helooksjustlikeyou.""Hedoesn'thavemybrains,though.""Ihopenot."Weordered.Wehadbaconandeggs.Asweatemyfathersaid,"Nowcomesthehardpart.""Whatisthat?""Ihavetocollectthemoneypeopleoweme.Someofthemdon'twanttopay.""Theyoughttopay.""That'swhatItellthem."Wefinishedeatingandstarteddrivingagain.Myfathergotoutandknockedondoors.Icouldhearhimcomplainingloudly,"HOWTHEHELLDOYOUTHINKI'MGOINGTOEAT?YOU'VESUCKEDUPTHEMILK,NOWIT'STIMEFORYOUTOSHITOUTTHEMONEY!"Heusedadifferentlineeachtime.Sometimeshecamebackwiththemoney,sometimeshedidn't.ThenIsawhimenteracourtofbungalows.Adooropenedandawomanstoodtheredressedinaloosesilkenkimono.Shewassmokingacigarette."Listen,baby,I'vegottohavethemoney.You'reintomedeeperthananybody!"Shelaughedathim."Look,baby,justgivemehalf,givemeapayment,somethingtoshow."Sheblewasmokering,reachedoutandbrokeitwithherfinger."Listen,you'vegottopayme,"myfathersaid."Thisisadesperatesituation.""Comeonin.We'lltalkaboutit,"saidthewoman.Myfatherwentinandthedoorclosed.Hewasinthereforalongtime.Thesunwasreallyup.Whenmyfathercameouthishairwashangingdownaroundhisfaceandhewaspushinghisshirttailintohispants.Heclimbedintothetruck."Didthatwomangiveyouthemoney?"Iasked."Thatwasthelaststop,"saidmyfather."Ican'ttakeitanymore.We'llreturnthetruckandgohome..." 26Iwastoseethatwomanagain.OnedayIcamehomeafterschoolandshewassittingonachairinthefrontroomofourhouse.Mymotherandfatherweresittingtheretooandmymotherwascrying.Whenmymothersawmeshestoodupandrantowardme,grabbedme.Shetookmeintothebedroomandsatmeonthebed."Henry,doyouloveyourmother?"Ireallydidn'tbutshelookedsosadthatIsaid,"Yes."Shetookmebackintotheotherroom."Yourfathersayshelovesthiswoman,"shesaidtome."Ilovebothofyou!Nowgetthatkidoutofhere!"Ifeltthatmyfatherwasmakingmymotherveryunhappy."I'llkillyou,"Itoldmyfather."Getthatkidoutofhere!""Howcanyoulovethatwoman?"Iaskedmyfather."Lookathernose.Shehasanoselikeanelephant!""Christ!"saidthewoman,"Idon'thavetotakethis!"Shelookedatmyfather:"Choose,Henry!Oneortheother!Now!""ButIcan't!Iloveyouboth!""I'llkillyou!"Itoldmyfather.Hewalkedoverandslappedmeontheear,knockingmetothefloor.Thewomangotupandranoutofthehouseandmyfatherwentafterher.Thewomanleapedintomyfather'scar,starteditanddroveoffdownthestreet.Ithappenedveryquickly.Myfatherrandownthestreetafterherandthecar."EDNA!EDNA,COMEBACK!"Myfatheractuallycaughtupwiththecar,reachedintothefrontseatandgrabbedEdna'spurse.Thenthecarspeededupandmyfatherwasleftwiththepurse."Iknewsomethingwasgoingon,"mymothertoldme."SoIhidinthecartrunkandIcaughtthemtogether.Yourfatherdrovemebackherewiththathorriblewoman.Nowshe'sgothiscar."MyfatherwalkedbackwithEdna'spurse."Everybodyintothehouse!"Wewentinsideandmyfatherlockedmeinthebedroomandmymotherandfatherbeganarguing.Itwasloudandveryugly.Thenmyfatherbeganbeatingmymother.Shescreamedandhekeptbeatingher.Iclimbedoutawindowandtriedtogetinthefrontdoor.Itwaslocked.Itriedthereardoor,thewindows.Everythingwaslocked.Istoodinthebackyardandlistenedtothescreamingandthebeating.ThenthebeatingandthescreamingstoppedandallIcouldhearwasmymothersobbing.Shesobbedalongtime.Itgraduallygrewlessandlessandthenshestopped. 2713Iwasinthe4thgradewhenIfoundoutaboutit.Iwasprobablyoneofthelasttoknow,becauseIstilldidn'ttalktoanybody.AboywalkeduptomewhileIwasstandingaroundatrecess."Don'tyouknowhowithappens?"heasked."What?""Fucking.""What'sthat?""Yourmotherhasahole..."--hetookthethumbandforefingerofhisrighthandandmadeacircle--"andyourfatherhasadong..."--hetookhisleftforefingerandranitbackandforththroughthehole."Thenyourfather'sdongshootsjuiceandsometimesyourmotherhasababyandsometimesshedoesn't.""Godmakesbabies,"Isaid."Likeshit,"thekidsaidandwalkedoff.Itwashardformetobelieve.WhenrecesswasoverIsatinclassandthoughtaboutit.Mymotherhadaholeandmyfatherhadadongthatshotjuice.Howcouldtheyhavethingslikethatandwalkaroundasifeverythingwasnormal,andtalkaboutthings,andthendoitandnottellanybody?IreallyfeltlikepukingwhenIthoughtthatIhadstartedoffasmyfather'sjuice.ThatnightafterthelightswereoutIstayedawakeinbedandlistened.Sureenough,Ibegantohearsounds.Theirbedbegancreaking.Icouldhearthesprings.Igotoutofbedandtiptoeddowntotheirdoorandlistened.Thebedkeptmakingsounds.Thenitstopped.Ihurriedbackdownthehallandintomybedroom.Iheardmymothergointothebathroom.Iheardthetoiletflushandthenshewalkedout.Whataterriblething!Nowondertheydiditinsecret!Andtothink,everybodydidit!Theteachers,theprincipal,everybody!Itwasprettystupid.ThenIthoughtaboutdoingitwithLilaJaneanditdidn'tseemsodumb.ThenextdayinclassIthoughtaboutitallday.Ilookedatthelittlegirlsandimaginedmyselfdoingitwiththem.Iwoulddoitwithallofthemandmakebabies.I'dfilltheworldwithguyslikeme,greatbaseballplayers,homerunhitters.Thatdayjustbeforeclassendedtheteacher,Mrs.Westphal,said:"Henry,willyoustayafterclass?"Thebellrangandtheotherchildrenleft.Isatatmydeskandwaited.Mrs.Westphalwascorrectingpapers.Ithought,maybeshewantstodoitwithme.Iimaginedpullingherdressupandlookingatherhole."Allright,Mrs.Westphal,I'mready."Shelookedupfromherpapers."Allright,Henry,firsterasealltheblackboards.Thentaketheerasersoutsideanddustthem."IdidasIwastold,thensatbackdownatmydesk.Mrs.Westphaljustsattherecorrectingpapers.Shehadonatightbluedress,sheworelargegoldenearrings,hadatinynoseandworerimlessglasses.Iwaitedandwaited.ThenIsaid,"Mrs.Westphal,whydidyoukeepmeafterschool?"Shelookedupandstaredatme.Hereyesweregreenanddeep."Ikeptyouafterschoolbecausesometimesyou'rebad.""Oh,yeah?"Ismiled.Mrs.Westphallookedatme.Shetookherglassesoffandkeptstaring.Herlegswerebehindthedesk.Icouldn'tlookupherdress."Youwereveryinattentivetoday,Henry.""Yeah?""'Yes'istheword.You'readdressingalady!""Oh,Iknow...""Don'tgetsassywithme!""Whateveryousay."Mrs.Westphalstoodupandcameoutfrombehindherdesk. 28Shewalkeddowntheaisleandsatonthetopofthedeskacrossfromme.Shehadnicelonglegsinsilkstockings.Shesmiledatme,reachedoutahandandtouchedoneofmywrists."Yourparentsdon'tgiveyoumuchlove,dothey?""Idon'tneedthatstuff,"Itoldher."Henry,everybodyneedslove.""Idon'tneedanything.""Youpoorboy."Shestoodup,cametomydeskandslowlytookmyheadinherhands.Shebentoverandpresseditagainstherbreasts.Ireachedaroundandgrabbedherlegs."Henry,youmuststopfightingeverybody!Wewanttohelpyou."IgrabbedMrs.Westphal'slegsharder."Allright,"Isaid,"let'sfuck!"Mrs.Westphalpushedmeawayandstoodback."Whatdidyousay?""Isaid,let'sfuck!"Shelookedatmealongtime.Thenshesaid,"Henry,Iamnevergoingtotellanybodywhatyousaid,nottheprincipaloryourparentsoranybody.ButInever,neverwantyoutosaythattomeagain,doyouunderstand?""Iunderstand.""Allright.Youcangohomenow."Igotupandwalkedtowardthedoor.WhenIopenedit,Mrs.Westphalsaid,"Goodafternoon,Henry.""Goodafternoon,Mrs.Westphal."Iwalkeddownthestreetwonderingaboutit.IfeltshewantedtofuckbutwasafraidbecauseIwastooyoungforherandthatmyparentsortheprincipalmightfindout.Ithadbeenexcitingbeingintheroomwithheralone.Thisthingabout.fuckingwasnice.Itgavepeopleextrathingstothinkabout.Therewasonelargeboulevardtocrossonthewayhome.Ienteredthecrosswalk.Suddenlytherewasacarcomingrightatme.Itdidn'tslowdown.Itwasweavingwildly.Itriedtorunoutofitspathbutitappearedtofollowme.Isawheadlights,wheels,abumper.Thecarhitmeandthentherewasblackness..,. 2914Laterinthehospitaltheyweredabbingatmykneeswithpiecesofcottonthathadbeensoakedinsomething.Itburned.Myelbowsburnedtoo.Thedoctorwasbendingovermewithanurse.Iwasinbedandthesuncamethroughthewindow.Itseemedverypleasant.Thedoctorsmiledatme.Thenursestraightenedupandsmiledatme.Itwasnicethere."Doyouhaveaname?"thedoctorasked."Henry.""Henrywhat?""Chinaski.""Polish,eh?""German.""HowcomenobodywantstobePolish?""IwasborninGermany.""Wheredoyoulive?"askedthenurse."Withmyparents.""Really?"askedthedoctor."Andwhereisthat?""Whathappenedtomyelbowsandknees?""Acarranyouover.Luckily,thewheelsmissedyou.Witnessessaidheappearedtobedrunk.Hitandrun.Buttheygothislicense.They'llgethim.""Youhaveaprettynurse..."Isaid."Well,thankyou,"shesaid."Doyouwantadatewithher?"askedthedoctor."What'sthat?""Doyouwanttogooutwithher?"thedoctorasked."Idon'tknowifIcoulddoitwithher.I'mtooyoung.""Dowhat?""Youknow.""Well,"thenursesmiled,"comeseemeafteryourkneeshealupandwe'llseewhatwecando.""Pardonme,"saidthedoctor,"butIhavetoseeanotheraccidentcase."Helefttheroom."Now,"saidthenurse,"whatstreetdoyouliveon?""VirginiaRoad.""Givemethenumber,sweetie."Itoldherthehousenumber.Sheaskediftherewasatelephone.ItoldherthatIdidn'tknowthenumber."That'sallright,"shesaid,"we'llgetit.Anddon'tworry.Youwerelucky.Youjustgotabumpontheheadandskinnedupalittle."ShewasnicebutIknewthataftermykneeshealed,shewouldn'twanttoseemeagain."Iwanttostayhere,"Itoldher."What?Youmean,youdon'twanttogohometoyourparents?""No.Letmestayhere.""Wecan'tdothat,sweetie.Weneedthesebedsforpeoplewhoarereallysickandinjured."Shesmiledandwalkedoutoftheroom.Whenmyfathercamehewalkedstraightintotheroomandwithoutawordscoopedmeoutofbed.Hecarriedmeoutoftheroomanddownthehallway."Youlittlebastard!Didn'tIteachyoutolookBOTHwaysbeforeyoucrossthestreet?"Herushedmedownthehall.Wepassedthenurse."Goodbye,Henry,"shesaid."Goodbye."Wegotintoanelevatorwithanoldmaninawheelchair.Anursewasstandingbehindhim.Theelevatorbegantodescend."IthinkI'mgoingtodie,"theoldmansaid."Idon'twanttodie.I'mafraidtodie...""You'velivedlongenough,youoldfart!"mutteredmyfather.Theoldmanlookedstartled.Theelevatorstopped.Thedoorremainedclosed.ThenInoticedtheelevatoroperator.Hesatonasmallstool.Hewasadwarfdressedinabrightreduniformwitharedcap.Thedwarflookedatmyfather."Sir,"hesaid,"youarearepugnantfool!""Shortcake,"repliedmyfather,"openthefuckingdoororit'syourass." 30Thedooropened.Wewentouttheentrance.Myfathercarriedmeacrossthehospitallawn.Istillhadonahospitalgown.Myfathercarriedmyclothesinabaginonehand.ThewindblewbackmygownandIsawmyskinnedkneeswhichwerenotbandagedandwerepaintedwithiodine.Myfatherwasalmostrunningacrossthelawn."Whentheycatchthatson-of-a-bitch,"hesaid,"I'llsuehim!I'llsuehimforhislastpenny!He'llsupportmetherestofhislife!I'msickofthatgod-damnedmilktruck!GoldenStateCreamery.'GoldenState,myhairyass!We'llmovetotheSouthSeas.We'llliveoncoconutsandpineapples!"Myfatherreachedthecarandputmeinthefrontseat.Thenhegotinonhisside.Hestartedthecar."Ihatedrunks!Myfatherwasadrunk.Mybrothersaredrunks.Drunksareweak.Drunksarecowards.Andhit-and-rundrunksshouldbejailedfortherestoftheirlives!"Aswedrovetowardhomehecontinuedtotalktome."DoyouknowthatintheSouthSeasthenativesliveingrassshacks?Theygetupinthemorningandthefoodfallsfromthetreestotheground.Theyjustpickitupandeatit,coconutsandpineapple.Andthenativesthinkthatwhitemenaregods!Theycatchfishandroastboar,andtheirgirlsdanceandweargrassskirtsandrubtheirmenbehindtheears.GoldenStateCreamery,myhairyass."Butmyfather'sdreamwasnottobe.Theycaughtthemanwhohitmeandputhiminjail.Hehadawifeandthreechildrenanddidn'thaveajob.Hewasapennilessdrunkard.Themansatinjailforsometimebutmyfatherdidn'tpresscharges.Ashesaid,"Youcan'tgetbloodoutofafuckingturnip!" 3115Myfatheralwaysrantheneighborhoodkidsawayfromourhouse.IwastoldnottoplaywiththembutIwalkeddownthestreetandwatchedthemanyhow."Hey,Heinie!"theyyelled,"Whydon'tyougobacktoGermany?"Somehowtheyhadfoundoutaboutmybirthplace.TheworstthingwasthattheywereallaboutmyageandtheynotonlyhungtogetherbecausetheylivedinthesameneighborhoodbutbecausetheywenttothesameCatholicschool.Theyweretoughkids,theyplayedtacklefootballforhoursandalmosteverydayacoupleofthemgotintoafistfight.ThefourmainguyswereChuck,Eddie,GeneandFrank."Hey,Heinie,gobacktoKrautland!"Therewasnogettinginwiththem...Thenared-headedkidmovedinnextdoortoChuck.Hewenttosomekindofspecialschool.Iwassittingonthecurbonedaywhenhecameoutofhishouse.Hesatonthecurbnexttome."Hi,myname'sRed.""1mHenry."Wesatthereandwatchedtheguysplayfootball.IlookedatRed."Howcomeyougotagloveonyourlefthand?"Iasked."I'veonlygotonearm,"hesaid."Thathandlooksreal.""It'sfake.It'safakearm.Touchit.""What?""Touchit.It'sfake."Ifeltit.Itwashard,rockhard."How'dthathappen?""Iwasbornthatway.Thearm'sfakeallthewayuptotheelbow.I'vegottostrapiton.I'vegotlittlefingersattheendofmyelbow,fingernailsandall,butthefingersaren'tanygood.""Yougotanyfriends?"Iasked."No.""Meneither.""Thoseguyswon'tplaywithyou?""No.""Igotafootball.""Canyoucatchit?""Straightshit,"saidRed."Gogetit.""O.K...."Redwentbacktohisfather'sgarageandcameoutwithafootball.Hetossedittome.Thenhebackedacrosshisfrontlawn."Goon,throwit..."Iletitgo.Hisgoodarmcamearoundandhisbadarmcamearoundandhecaughtit.Thearmmadeaslightsqueakingsoundashecaughtthefootball."Nicecatch,"Isaid."Nowwingmeone!"Hecockedhisarmandletitfly;itcamelikeabulletandImanagedtoholdontoitasitdugintomystomach."You'restandingtooclose,"Itoldhim."Stepbacksomemore."Atlast,Ithought,somepracticecatchingandthrowing.Itfeltrealgood.ThenIwasthequarterback.Irolledback,straight-armedaninvisibletackier,andletgoaspiralfly.Itfellshort.Redranforward,leaped,caughttheball,rolledoverthreeorfourtimesandstillheldontoit."You'regood,Red.How'dyougetsogood?""Myfathertaughtme.Wepracticealot."ThenRedwalkedbackandletonesail.ItlookedtobeovermyheadasIranbackforit.TherewasahedgebetweenRed'shouseandChuck'shouseandIfellintothehedgegoingfortheball.Theballhitthetopofthehedgeandbouncedover.IwentaroundtoChuck'syardtogettheball.Chuckpassedtheballtome."Soyougotyourselfafreakfriend,hey,Heinie?" 32ItwasacoupleofdayslaterandRedandIwereonhisfrontlawnpassingandkickingthefootball.Chuckandhisfriendsweren'taround.RedandIweregettingbetterandbetter.Practice,that'sallittook.Allaguyneededwasachance.Somebodywasalwayscontrollingwhogotachanceandwhodidn't.Icaughtoneovertheshoulder,whirledandwingeditbacktoRedwholeapedhighandcamedownwithit.Maybesomedaywe'dplayforU.S.C.ThenIsawfiveboyswalkingdownthesidewalktowardus.Theyweren'tguysfrommygrammarschool.Theywereourageandlookedliketrouble.RedandIkeptthrowingtheballandtheystoodwatchingus.Thenoneoftheguyssteppedontothelawn.Thebiggest."Throwmetheball,"hesaidtoRed."Why?""IwannaseeifIcancatchit.""Idon'tcareifyoucancatchitornot.""Throwmetheball!""He'sgotonearm,"Isaid."Leavehimalone.""Stayoutofthis,monkey-face!"ThenhelookedatRed."Throwmetheball.""Gotohell!"saidRed."Gettheball!"thebigguysaidtotheothers.Theyranatus.Redturnedandthrewtheballontheroofofhishouse.Theroofwasslantedandtheballrolledbackdownbutmanagedtostickbehindadrainpipe.Thentheywereonus.Fivetotwo,Ithought,there'snochance.Icaughtafistonthetemple,swungandmissed.Somebodykickedmeintheass.Itwasagoodoneandburnedallthewayupthespine.ThenIheardacrackingsound,itwasalmostlikearifleshotandoneofthemwasdownonthegroundholdinghisforehead."Ohshit,"hesaid,"myskulliscrushed!"IsawRedandhewasstandinginthecenterofthelawn.Hewasholdingthehandofhisfakearmwiththehandofhisgoodarm.Itwaslikeaclub.Thenheswungagain.Therewasanotherloudcrackandanotherofthemwasdownonthelawn.IbegantofeelbraveandIlandedapunchrightonaguy'smouth.Isawthelipsplitandthebloodbegantodribbledownhischin.Theothertworanoff.Thenthebigguywhohadgonedownfirstgotupandtheotheronegotup.Theyheldtheirheads.Theguywiththebloodymouthstoodthere.Thentheyretreateddownthestreettogether.Whentheygotquiteawaydownthebigguyturnedaroundandsaid,"We'llbeback!"RedbeganrunningtowardthemandIranbehindRed.TheystartedrunningandRedandIstoppedchasingthemaftertheyturnedthecorner.Wewalkedback,foundaladderinthegarage.Wegotthefootballdownandbeganthrowingitbackandforth...OneSaturdayRedandIdecidedtogoswimmingatthepublicpooldownonBiminiStreet.Redwasastrangeguy.Hedidn'ttalkmuchbutIdidn'ttalkmucheitherandwegotalong.Therewasnothingtosayanyhow.TheonlythingIeverreallyaskedhimaboutwashisschoolbuthejustsaiditwasaspecialschoolandthatitcosthisfathersomemoney.Wearrivedatthepoolintheearlyafternoon,gotourlockers,andtookourclothesoff.Wehadourswimmingtrunksonunderneath.ThenIsawRedunhitchhisarmandputitinhislocker.ItwasthefirsttimesincethefightIhadseenhimwithouthisfakearm.Itriednottolookathisarmwhichendedattheelbow.Wewalkedtotheplacewhereyouhadtosoakyourfeetinachlorinesolution.Itstankbutitstoppedthespreadofathlete'sfootorsomething.Thenwewalkedtothepoolandgotin.ThewaterstanktooandafterIwasinIpissedinit.Therewerepeopleofallagesinthepool,menandwomen,boysandgirls.Redreallylikedthewater.Heleapedupanddowninit.Thenheduckedunderandcameup.Hespitwateroutofhismouth.Itriedtoswim.Icouldn'thelpnoticingRed'shalf-arm,couldn'thelplookingatit.IalwaysmadesuretolookatitwhenIthoughthewasoccupiedwithsomethingelse.Itendedattheelbow,sortofroundedoff,andIsawthelittlefingers.I 33didn'twanttostarerealhard,butitseemedasiftherewereonlythreeorfourofthem,verytiny,curledupthere.Theywereveryredandeachofthetinyfingershadalittlefingernail.Nothingwasgoingtogrowanymore;ithadallstopped.Ididn'twanttothinkaboutit.Idoveunder.IwasgoingtoscareRed.Iwasgoingtograbhislegsfrombehind.Icameupagainstsomethingsoft.Myfacewentrightintoit.Itwasafatwoman'sass.Ifelthergrabmebythehairandshepulledmeupoutofthewater.Shehadonabluebathingcapandthestrapwastightaroundherchin,diggingintoherflesh.Herfrontteethwerecappedwithsilverandherbreathsmelledofgarlic."Youdirtylittlepervert!Tryingforfreegrabs,areyou?"Ipushedawayfromherandbackedoff.AsImovedbackwardsshefollowedmethroughthewater,hersaggingbreastspushingatidalwaveinfrontofher."Youdirtylittleprick.Youwannasuckmytitties?Yougotadirtymind,huh?Youwannaeatmyshit?Howaboutsomeofmyshit,littleprick?"Ibackedupfurtherintothedeeperwater.Iwasnowstandingonmytoes,movingbackwards.Iswallowedsomewater.Shekeptcoming,asteamshipofawoman.Icouldn'tretreatanyfurther.Shemovedrightuptome.Hereyeswerepaleandblank,therewasn'tanycolorinthem.Ifeltherbodytouchingmine.'Touchmycunt,"shesaid."Iknowyouwanttotouchit,sogoahead,touchmycunt.Touchit,touchit!"Shewaited."Ifyoudon't,I'mgoingtotellthelifeguardyoumolestedmeandyou'llbeputinjail!Now,touchit!"Icouldn'tdoit.Suddenlyshereachedunderandgrabbedmypartsandyanked.Shealmosttoremydongoff.Ifellbackwardsintothedeepwater,sank,struggled,andcametothetop.Iwassixfeetawayfromherandbeganswimmingtowardshallowwater."I'mgoingtotellthelifeguardyoumolestedme!"shescreamed.Thenamanswambetweenus."Thatlittleson-of-a-bitch!"shepointedatmeandscreamedattheman."Hegrabbedmycunt!""Lady,"saidtheman,"theboyprobablythoughtitwasthegrateoverthedrain."IswamovertoRed."Listen,"Isaid,"we'vegottogetoutofhere!ThatfatladyisgoingtotellthelifeguardthatItouchedhercunt!""What'dyoudothatfor?"Redasked."Iwantedtoseewhatitfeltlike.""What'ditfeellike?"Wegotoutofthepool,showered.Redputhisarmbackonandwedressed."Didyoureallydoit?"heasked."Aguy'sgottogetstartedsometime."ItwasamonthorsolaterthatRed'sfamilymoved.Onedaytheyweregone.Justlikethat.Redneversaidanythinginadvancetome.Hewasgone,thefootballwasgone,andthosetinyredfingerswithfingernails,theyweregone.Hewasagoodguy. 3416Ididn'tknowexactlywhybutChuck,Eddie,GeneandFrankletmejointheminsomeoftheirgames.Ithinkitstartedwhenanotherguyshowedupandtheyneededthreeonaside.IstillrequiredmorepracticetogetreallygoodbutIwasgettingbetter.Saturdaywasthebestday.That'swhenwehadourbiggames,otherguysjoinedin,andweplayedfootballinthestreet.Weplayedtackleonthelawnsbutwhenweplayedinthestreetweplayedtouch.Therewasmorepassingthenbecauseyoucouldn'tgetfarwitharunintouch.Therewastroubleatthehouse,muchfightingbetweenmymotherandmyfather,andasaconsequence,theykindofforgotaboutme.IgottoplayfootballeachSaturday.DuringonegameIbrokeintotheopenbehindthelastpassdefenderandIsawChuckwingtheball.ItwasalonghighspiralandIkeptrunning.Ilookedbackovermyshoulder,Isawitcoming,itfellrightintomyhandsandIhelditandwasinforthetouchdown.ThenIheardmyfather'svoiceyell"HENRY!"Hewasstandinginfrontofhishouse.IlobbedtheballtooneoftheguysonmyteamsotheycouldkickoffandIwalkeddowntowheremyfatherstood.Helookedangry.Icouldalmostfeelhisanger.Healwaysstoodwithonefootalittlebitforward,hisfaceflushed,andIcouldseehispotbellygoingupanddownwithhisbreathing.HewassixfeettwoandlikeIsaid,helookedtobeallears,mouthandnosewhenangry.Icouldn'tlookathiseyes."Allright,"hesaid,"you'reoldenoughtomowthelawnnow.You'rebigenoughtomowit,edgeit,waterit,andwatertheflowers.It'stimeyoudidsomethingaroundhere.It'stimeyougotoffyourdeadass!""ButI'mplayingfootballwiththeguys.SaturdayistheonlyrealchanceIhave.""Areyoutalkingbacktome?""No."Icouldseemymotherwatchingfrombehindacurtain.EverySaturdaytheycleanedthewholehouse.Theyvacuumedtherugsandpolishedthefurniture.Theytookuptherugsandwaxedthehardwoodfloorsandthencoveredthefloorswiththerugsagain.Youcouldn'tevenseewheretheyhadbeenwaxed.Thelawnmowerandedgerwereinthedriveway.Heshowedthemtome."Now,youtakethismowerandgoupanddownthelawnanddon'tmissanyplaces.Dumpthegrasscatcherherewheneveritgetsfull.Now,whenyou'vemowedthelawninonedirectionandfinished,takethemowerandmowthelawnintheotherdirection,getit?First,youmowitnorthandsouth,thenyoumowiteastandwest.Doyouunderstand?""Yes.""Anddon'tlooksogod-damnedunhappyorI'llreallygiveyousomethingtobeunhappyabout!Afteryou'vefinishedmowing,thenyoutaketheedger.Youtrimtheedgesofthelawnwiththelittlemowerontheedger.Getunderthehedge,geteverybladeofgrass!Then...youtakethiscircularbladeontheedgerandyoucutalongtheedgeofthelawn.Itmustbeabsolutelystraightalongtheedgeofthelawn!Understand?""Yes.""Nowwhenyou'redonewiththat,youtakethese..."Myfathershowedmesomeshears."...andyougetdownonyourkneesandyougoaroundcuttingoffanyhairsthatarestillstickingup.Thenyoutakethehoseandyouwaterthehedgesandtheflowerbeds.Thenyouturnonthesprinklerandyouletitrunfifteenminutesoneachpartofthelawn.Youdoallthisonthefrontlawnandintheflowergarden,andthenyourepeatitontherearlawnandintheflowergardenthere.Arethereanyquestions?""No." 35"Allright,nowIwanttotellyouthis.Iamgoingtocomeoutandcheckeverythingwhenyou'refinished,andwhenyou'redoneIDON'TWANTTOSEEONEHAIRSTICKINGUPINEITHERTHEFRONTORBACKLAWN!NOTONEHAIR!IFTHEREIS...!"Heturned,walkedupthedriveway,acrosshisporch,openedthedoor,slammedit,andhewasgoneinsideofhishouse.Itookthemower,rolleditupthedriveandbeganpushingitonitsfirstrun,northandsouth.Icouldheartheguysdownthestreetplayingfootball...Ifinishedmowing,edgingandclippingthefrontlawn.Iwateredtheflowerbeds,setthesprinklergoingandbeganworkingmywaytowardthebackyard.Therewasastretchoflawninthecenterofthedrivewayleadingtotheback.Igotthattoo.Ididn'tknowifIwasunhappy.Ifelttoomiserabletobeunhappy.ItwaslikeeverythingintheworldhadturnedtolawnandIwasjustpushingmywaythroughitall.IkeptpushingandworkingbutthensuddenlyIgaveup.Itwouldtakehours,allday,andthegamewouldbeover.Theguyswouldgointoeatdinner,Saturdaywouldbefinished,andI'dstillbemowing.AsIbeganmowingthebacklawnInoticedmymotherandmyfatherstandingonthebackporchwatchingme.Theyjuststoodtheresilently,notmoving.OnceasIpushedthemowerpastIheardmymothersaytomyfather,"Look,hedoesn'tsweatlikeyoudowhenyoumowthelawn.Lookhowcalmhelooks.""CALM?HE'SNOTCALM,HE'SDEAD!"WhenIcamebyagain,Iheardhim:"PUSHTHATTHINGFASTER!YOUMOVELIKEASNAIL!"Ipusheditfaster.Itwashardtodobutitfeltgood.Ipusheditfasterandfaster.Iwasalmostrunningwiththemower.Thegrassflewbacksohardthatmuchofitflewoverthegrasscatcher.Iknewthatwouldangerhim."YOUSON-OF-A-BITCH!"hescreamed.Isawhimrunoffthebackporchandintothegarage.Hecameoutwithatwo-by-fouraboutafootlong.FromthecornerofmyeyeIsawhimthrowit.Isawitcomingbutmadenoattempttoavoidit.Ithitmeonthebackofmyrightleg.Thepainwasterrible.ThelegknottedupandIhadtoforcemyselftowalk.Ikeptpushingthemower,tryingnottolimp.WhenIswungaroundtocutanothersectionofthelawnthetwo-by-fourwasintheway.Ipickeditup,moveditasideandkeptmowing.Thepainwasgettingworse.Thenmyfatherwasstandingbesideme."STOP!"Istopped."Iwantyoutogobackandmowthelawnoveragainwhereyoudidn'tcatchthegrassinthecatcher!Doyouunderstandme?""Yes."Myfatherwalkedbackintothehouse.Isawhimandmymotherstandingonthebackporchwatchingme.Theendofthejobwastosweepupallthegrassthathadfallenonthesidewalk,andthenwashthesidewalkdown.Iwasfinallyfinishedexceptforsprinklingeachsectionofthelawninthebackyardforfifteenminutes.Idraggedthehosebacktosetupthesprinklerwhenmyfathersteppedoutofthehouse."BeforeyoustartsprinklingIwanttocheckthislawnforhairs."Myfatherwalkedtothecenterofthelawn,gotdownonhishandsandkneesandplacedthesideofhisheadlowagainstthelawnlookingforanybladeofgrassthatmightbestickingup.Hekeptlooking,twistinghisneck,peeringaround.Iwaited."AHHAH!"Heleapedupandrantowardthehouse."MAMA!MAMA!"Heranintothehouse."Whatisit?""Ifoundahair!" 36"Youdid?""Come,I'llshowyou!"Hecameoutofthehousequicklywithmymotherfollowing."Here!Here!I'llshowyou!"Hegotdownonhishandsandknees."Icanseeit!Icanseetwoofthem!"Mymothergotdownwithhim.Iwonderediftheywerecrazy."Seethem?"heaskedher."Twohairs.Seethem?""Yes,Daddy,Iseethem..."Theybothgotup.Mymotherwalkedintothehouse.Myfatherlookedatme."Inside..."Iwalkedtotheporchandinsidethehouse.Myfatherfollowedme."Intothebathroom."Myfatherclosedthedoor."Takeyourpantsdown."Iheardhimgetdowntherazorstrop.Myrightlegstillached.Itdidn'thelp,havingfeltthestropmanytimesbefore.Thewholeworldwasoutthereindifferenttoitall,butthatdidn'thelp.Millionsofpeoplewereoutthere,dogsandcatsandgophers,buildings,streets,butitdidn'tmatter.Therewasonlyfatherandtherazorstropandthebathroomandme.Heusedthatstroptosharpenhisrazor,andearlyinthemorningsIusedtohatehimwithhisfacewhitewithlather,standingbeforethemirrorshavinghimself.Thenthefirstblowofthestrophitme.Thesoundofthestropwasflatandloud,thesounditselfwasalmostasbadasthepain.Thestroplandedagain.Itwasasifmyfatherwasamachine,swingingthatstrop.Therewasthefeelingofbeinginatomb.ThestroplandedagainandIthought,thatissurelythelastone.Butitwasn't.Itlandedagain.Ididn'thatehim.Hewasjustunbelievable,Ijustwantedtogetawayfromhim.Icouldn'tcry.Iwastoosicktocry,tooconfused.Thestroplandedonceagain.Thenhestopped.Istoodandwaited.Iheardhimhangingupthestrop."Nexttime,"hesaid,"Idon'twanttofindanyhairs."Iheardhimwalkoutofthebathroom.Heclosedthebathroomdoor.Thewallswerebeautiful,thebathtubwasbeautiful,thewashbasinandtheshowercurtainwerebeautiful,andeventhetoiletwasbeautiful.Myfatherwasgone. 3717Ofalltheguysleftintheneighborhood,Frankwasthenicest.Wegottobefriends,wegottogoingaroundtogether,wedidn'tneedtheotherguysmuch.TheyhadmoreorlesskickedFrankoutofthegroup,anyway,sohebecamefriendswithme.Hewasn'tlikeDavid,whohadwalkedhomefromschoolwithme.FrankhadalotmoregoingforhimthanDavidhad.IevenjoinedtheCatholicchurchbecauseFrankwentthere.Myparentslikedmegoingtochurch.TheSundaymasseswereveryboring.AndwehadtogotoCatechismclasses.WehadtostudytheCatechismbook.Itwasjustboringquestionsandanswers.OneafternoonweweresittingonmyfrontporchandIwasreadingtheCatechismoutloudtoFrank.Ireadtheline,"Godhasbodilyeyesandseesallthings.""Bodilyeyes?"Frankasked."Yes.""Youmeanlikethis?"heasked.Heclenchedhishandsintofistsandplacedthemoverhiseyes."Hehasmilkbottlesforeyes,"Franksaid,pushinghisfistsagainsthiseyesandturningtowardme.Thenhebeganlaughing.Ibeganlaughingtoo.Welaughedalongtime.ThenFrankstopped."YouthinkHeheardus?""Iguessso.IfHecanseeeverythingHecanprobablyheareverythingtoo.""I'mscared,"saidFrank."Hemightkillus.DoyouthinkHe'llkillus?""Idon'tknow.""Webettersithereandwait.Don'tmove.Sitstill."Wesatonthestepsandwaited.Wewaitedalongtime."MaybeHeisn'tgoingtodoitnow,"Isaid."He'sgoingtotakeHistime,"saidFrank.Wewaitedanotherhour,thenwewalkeddowntoFrank'splace.HewasbuildingamodelairplaneandIwantedtotakealookatit...Theafternooncamewhenwedecidedtogotoourfirstconfession.Wewalkedtothechurch.Weknewoneofthepriests,themainman.Wehadmethiminanicecreamparlorandhehadspokentous.Wehadevengonetohishouseonce.Helivedinaplacenexttothechurchwithanoldwoman.WestayedquiteawhileandaskedallsortsofquestionsaboutGod.Like,howtallwasHe?AnddidHejustsitinachairallday?AnddidHegotothebathroomlikeeverybodyelse?Thepriestneverdidanswerourquestionsdirectlybutstillheseemedlikeaniceguy,hehadanicesmile.Wewalkedtothechurchthinkingaboutconfession,thinkingaboutwhatitwouldbelike.Aswegotnearthechurchastraydogbeganwalkingalongwithus.Helookedverythinandhungry.Westoppedandpettedhim,scratchedhisback."It'stoobaddogscan'tgotoheaven,"saidFrank."Whycan'tthey?""Yougottabebaptizedtogotoheaven.""Weoughttobaptizehim.""Thinkweshould?""Hedeservesachancetogotoheaven."Ipickedhimupandwewalkedintothechurch.WetookhimtothebowlofholywaterandIheldhimthereasFranksprinkledthewateronhisforehead."Iherebybaptizeyou,"saidFrank.Wetookhimoutsideandputhimbackonthesidewalkagain."Heevenlooksdifferent,"Isaid.Thedoglostinterestandwalkedoffdownthesidewalk.Wewentbackintothechurch,stoppingfirstattheholywater,dippingourfingersintoitandmakingthesignofthecross.Webothkneeledatapewneartheconfessionalboothandwaited.Afatwomancameoutfrombehindthecurtain.Shehadbodyodor.Icouldsmellherstrongodorasshewalkedpast.Hersmellwasmixedwiththe 38smellofthechurch,whichsmelledlikepiss.EverySundaypeoplecametomassandsmelledthatpiss-smellandnobodysaidanything.IwasgoingtotellthepriestaboutitbutIcouldn't.Maybeitwasthecandles."I'mgoingin,"saidFrank.Thenhegotup,walkedbehindthecurtainandwasgone.Hewasintherealongtime.Whenhecameouthewasgrinning."Itwasgreat,justgreat!Yougointherenow!"Igotup,pulledthecurtainbackandwalkedin.Itwasdark.Ikneeleddown.AllIcouldseeinfrontofmewasascreen.FranksaidGodwasbackinthere.IkneeledandtriedtothinkofsomethingbadthatIhaddone,butIcouldn'tthinkofanything.IjustkneltthereandtriedandtriedtothinkofsomethingbutIcouldn't.Ididn'tknowwhattodo."Goahead,"saidavoice."Saysomething!"Thevoicesoundedangry.Ididn'tthinktherewouldbeanyvoice.IthoughtGodhadplentyoftime.Iwasfrightened.Idecidedtolie."Allright,"Isaid."I...kickedmyfather.I...cursedmymother...Istolemoneyfrommymother'spurse.Ispentitoncandybars.IlettheairoutofChuck'sfootball.Ilookedupalittlegirl'sdress.Ikickedmymother.Iatesomeofmysnot.That'saboutall.ExcepttodayIbaptizedadog.""Youbaptizedadog?"Iwasfinished.AMortalSin.Nousegoingon.Igotuptoleave.Ididn'tknowifthevoicerecommendedmysayingsomeHailMarysorifthevoicedidn'tsayanythingatall.IpulledthecurtainbackandtherewasFrankwaiting.Wewalkedoutofthechurchandwerebackonthestreet."Ifeelcleansed,"saidFrank,"don'tyou?""No."Ineverwenttoconfessionagain.Itwasworsethanteno'clockmass. 3918Franklikedairplanes.HelentmeallhispulpmagazinesaboutWorldWar1.ThebestwasFlyingAces.Thedog-fightsweregreat,theSpadsandtheFokkersmixingit.Ireadallthestories.Ididn'tlikethewaytheGermansalwayslostbutoutsideofthatitwasgreat.IlikedgoingovertoFrank'splacetoborrowandreturnthemagazines.Hismotherworehighheelsandhadgreatlegs.Shesatinachairwithherlegscrossedandherskirtpulledhigh.AndFrank'sfathersatinanotherchair.Hismotherandfatherwerealwaysdrinking.HisfatherhadbeenaflyerinWorldWarIandhadcrashed.Hehadawirerunningdowninsideoneofhisarmsinsteadofabone.Hegotapension.Buthewasallright.Whenwecameinhealwaystalkedtous."Howareyoudoing,boys?How'sitgoing?"Thenwefoundoutabouttheairshow.Itwasgoingtobeabigone.Frankgotholdofamapandwedecidedtogettherebyhitch-hiking.Ithoughtwe'dprobablynevermakeittotheairshowbutFranksaidwewould.Hisfathergaveusthemoney.Wewentdowntotheboulevardwithourmapandwegotariderightaway.Itwasanoldguyandhislipswereverywet,hekeptlickinghislipswithhistongueandhehadonanoldcheckeredshirtwhichhehadbuttonedtothethroat.Hewasn'twearinganecktie.Hehadstrangeeyebrowswhichcurleddownintohiseyes."Myname'sDaniel,"hesaid.Franksaid,"ThisisHenry.AndI'mFrank."Danieldrovealong.ThenhetookoutaLuckyStrikeandlitit."Youboysliveathome?""Yes,"saidFrank."Yes,"Isaid.Daniel'scigarettewasalreadywetfromhismouth.Hestoppedthecaratasignal."Iwasatthebeachyesterdayandtheycaughtacoupleofguysunderthepier.Thecopscaughtthemandthrewtheminjail.Oneguywassuckingtheotherguyoff.Nowwhatbusinessisthatofthecops?Itmadememad."ThesignalchangedandDanielpulledaway."Don'tyouguysthinkthatwasstupid?Thecopsstoppingthoseguysfromsucking-off?"Wedidn'tanswer."Well,"saidDaniel,"don'tyouthinkacoupleofguyshavearighttoagoodblowjob?""Iguessso,"saidFrank."Yeah,"Isaid."Whereareyouboysgoing?"askedDaniel,"Theairshow,"saidFrank."Ah,theairshow!Ilikeairshows!I'lltellyouwhat,youboysletmegowithyouandI'lldriveyouallthewaythere."Wedidn'tanswer."Well,howaboutit?""Allright,"saidFrank.Frank'sfatherhadgivenusadmissionandtransportationmoney,butwehaddecidedtosavethetransportationmoneybyhitch-hiking."Maybeyouboyswouldrathergoswimming,"saidDaniel."No,"saidFrank,"wewanttoseetheairshow.""Swimming'smorefun.Wecanraceeachother.Iknowaplacewherewecanbealone.I'dnevergounderthepier.""Wewanttogototheairshow,"saidFrank."Allright,"saidDaniel,"we'llgototheairshow."WhenwegottotheairshowparkinglotwegotoutofthecarandwhileDanielwaslockingitFranksaid,"RUN!"WerantowardtheadmissiongateandDanielsawusrunningaway."HEY,YOULITTLEPERVERTS!COMEBACKHERE!COMEBACK!"Wekeptrunning."Christ,"saidFrank,"thatson-of-a-bitchiscrazy!"Wewerealmostattheadmissiongate."I'LLGETYOUBOYS!"Wepaidandraninside.Theshowhadn'tstartedyetbutalargecrowdwasalreadythere. 40"Let'shideunderthegrandstandsohecan'tfindus,"saidFrank.Thegrandstandwasbuiltoftemporaryplanksforthepeopletositon.Wewentunderneath.Wesawtwoguysstandingunderthecenterofthegrandstandandlookingup.Theywereabout13or14yearsold,abouttwoorthreeyearsolderthanwewere."Whataretheylookingat?"Iasked."Let'sgosee,"saidFrank.Wewalkedover.Oneoftheguyssawuscoming."Hey,youpunks,getoutofhere!""Whatareyouguyslookingat?"Frankasked."Itoldyoupunkstogetoutofhere!""Ah,hell,Marty,let'emhavealook!"Wewalkedovertowheretheywerestanding.Welookedup."Whatisit?"Iasked."Hell,can'tyouseeit?"oneofthebigguysasked."Seewhat?""It'sacunt.""Acunt?Where?""Look,rightthere!Seeit?"Hepointed.Therewasawomansittingwithherskirtbunchedbackunderneathher.Shedidn'thaveanypantieson,andlookingupbetweentheplanksyoucouldseehercunt."Seeit?""Yeah,Iseeit.It'sacunt,"saidFrank."Allright,nowyouguysgetoutofhereandkeepyourmouthsshut.""Butwewanttolookatitalittlelonger,"saidFrank."Justletuslookalittlelonger.""Allright,butnottoolong."Westoodtherelookingupatit."Icanseeit,"Isaid."It'sacunt,"saidFrank."It'sreallyacunt,"Isaid."Yeah,"saidoneofthebigguys,"that'swhatitis.""I'llalwaysrememberthis,"Isaid."Allright,youguys,it'stimetogo.""Whatfor?"askedFrank."Whycan'twekeeplooking?""Because,"saidoneofthebigguys,"I'mgoingtodosomething.Nowgetoutofhere!"Wewalkedoff."Iwonderwhathe'sgoingtodo?"Iasked."Idon'tknow,"saidFrank,"maybehe'sgoingtothrowarockatit."WegotoutfromunderthegrandstandandlookedaroundforDaniel.Wedidn'tseehimanywhere."Maybeheleft,"Isaid."Aguylikethatdoesn'tlikeairplanes,"saidFrank.Weclimbedupintothegrandstandandwaitedfortheshowtobegin.Ilookedaroundatallthewomen."Iwonderwhichoneshewas?"Iasked."Iguessyoucan'ttellfromthetop,"saidFrank.Thentheairshowbegan.TherewasaguyinaFokkerdoingstunts.Hewasgood,heloopedandcircled,stalled,pulledoutofit,skimmedtheground,anddidanImmelman.Hisbesttrickconsistedofahookoneachwing.Tworedhandkerchiefswerefastenedtopolesaboutsixfeetabovetheground.TheFokkerflewdown,dippedawing,andpickedahandkerchiefoffthepolewiththehookonitswing.Thenitcamearound,dippedtheotherwing,andgottheotherhandkerchief.Thenthereweresomesky-writingactswhichweredullandsomeballoonraceswhichweresilly,andthentheyhadsomethinggood--aracearoundfourpylons,closetotheground.Theairplaneshadtocirclethepylonstwelvetimesandtheonethatfinishedfirstgottheprize.Thepilotwasautomaticallydisqualifiedifhecircledabovethepylons.Theracingplanessatonthegroundwarmingup.Theywereallbuiltdifferently.Onehadalongslimbodywithhardlyanywings.Anotherwasfatandround,itlookedlikeafootball.Anotherwasalmostallwingsandnobody.Eachwasdifferentandeachwasgrandlypainted.Theprizeforthewinnerwas$100.Theysattherewarmingup,andyouknewyouwerereallygoingtoseesomethingexciting.Themotorsroaredliketheywantedto 41tearawayfromtheairplanesandthenthestarterdroppedtheflagandtheywereoff.Thereweresixplanesandtherewashardlyroomforthemastheywentaroundthepylons.Someoftheflyerstookthemlow,othershigh,someinthemiddle.Somewentfasterandlostgroundroundingthepylons;otherswentslowerandmadesharperturns.Itwaswonderfulanditwasterrible.Thenoneofthemlostawing.Theplanebouncedalongtheground,theengineshootingflameandsmoke.Itflippedoveronitsbackandtheambulanceandthefiretruckcamerunningup.Theotherplaneskeptgoing.Thentheenginejustexplodedinanotherplane,cameloose,andtheremainderoftheplanedroppeddownlikesomethinglost.Ithitthegroundandeverythingcameapart.Butastrangethinghappened.Thepilotjustslidbackthecockpitcowlingandclimbedoutandwaitedfortheambulance.Hewavedtothecrowdandtheyapplaudedlikemad.Itwasmiraculous.Suddenlytheworsthappened.Twoplanestangledwingswhilecirclingthepylons.Theybothspundownandcrashedandbothcaughtonfire.Theambulanceandfireengineranupagain.Wesawthempullthetwoguysoutandputthemonstretchers.Itwassad,thosetwobravegoodguys,bothprobablycrippledforlifeordead.Thatleftonlytwoplanes,number5andnumber2,goingforthegrandprize.Number5wastheslimplanealmostwithoutwingsanditwasmuchfasterthannumber2.Number2wasthefootball,hedidn'thavemuchspeed,buthemadeupalotofgroundontheturns.Itdidn'thelpmuch.The5keptlappingthe2."Planenumber5,"saidtheannouncer,"isnowtwolapsaheadwithtwolapstogo."Itlookedlikenumber5wasgoingtogetthegrandprize.Thenheranintoapylon.Insteadofmakingtheturnhejustranintothepylonandknockedthewholethingdown.Hekeptgoing,straightdownthefield,lowerandlower,theengineatfullthrottle,andthenhehittheground.Thewheelshitandtheplanebouncedhighintotheair,flippedover,skiddedalongtheground.Theambulanceandfireenginehadalongwaytogo.Number2justkeptcirclingthethreepylonsthatwereleftandtheonefallenpylonandthenhelanded.Hehadwonthegrandprize.Heclimbedout.Hewasafatguy,justlikehisairplane.Ihadexpectedahandsometoughguy.Hehadbeenlucky.Hardlyanybodyapplauded.Toclosetheshowtheyhadaparachutecontest.Therewasacirclepaintedontheground,abigbulls’eye,andtheonewholandedtheclosestwon.Itseemeddulltome.Therewasn'tmuchnoiseoraction.Thejumpersjustbailedoutandaimedforthecircle."Thisisn'tverygood,"ItoldFrank."Naw,"hesaid.Theykeptcomingdownnearthecircle.Morejumpersbailedoutoftheplanesoverhead.Thenthecrowdstartedoohingandahhhing."Look!"saidFrank.Onechutehadonlypartiallyopened.Therewasn'tmuchairinit.Hewasfallingfasterthantheothers.Youcouldseehimkickinghislegsandworkinghisarmstryingtountangletheparachute."JesusChrist,"saidFrank.Theguykeptdropping,lowerandlower,youcouldseehimbetterandbetter.Hekeptyankingatthecordstryingtountanglethechutebutnothingworked.Hehittheground,bouncedjustabit,thenfellbackandwasstill.Thehalf-filledchutecamedownoverhim.Theycanceledtheremainderofthejumps.Wewalkedoutwiththepeople,stillwatchingoutforDaniel."Let'snothitch-hikeback,"IsaidtoFrank."Allright,"hesaid.Walkingoutwiththepeople,Ididn'tknowwhichwasmoreexciting,theairrace,theparachutejumpthatfailed,orthecunt. 4219The5thgradewasalittlebetter.TheotherstudentsseemedlesshostileandIwasgrowinglargerphysically.Istillwasn'tchosenforthehomeroomteamsbutIwasthreatenedless.Davidandhisviolinhadgoneaway.Thefamilyhadmoved.Iwalkedhomealone.Iwasoftentrailedbyoneortwoguys,ofwhomJuanwastheworst,buttheydidn'tstartanything.Juansmokedcigarettes.He'dwalkbehindmesmokingacigaretteandhealwayshadadifferentbuddywithhim.Heneverfollowedmealone.Itscaredme.Iwishedthey'dgoaway.Yet,inanotherway,Ididn'tcare.Ididn'tlikeJuan.Ididn'tlikeanybodyinthatschool.Ithinktheyknewthat.Ithinkthat'swhytheydislikedme.Ididn'tlikethewaytheywalkedorlookedortalked,butIdidn'tlikemyfatherormothereither.Istillhadthefeelingofbeingsurroundedbywhiteemptyspace.Therewasalwaysaslightnauseainmystomach.Juanwasdark-skinnedandheworeabrasschaininsteadofabelt.Thegirlswereafraidofhim,andtheboystoo.Heandoneofhisbuddiesfollowedmehomealmosteveryday.I'dwalkintothehouseandthey'dstandoutside.Juanwouldsmokehiscigarette,lookingtough,andhisbuddywouldstandthere.I'dwatchthemthroughthecurtain.Finally,theywouldwalkoff.Mrs.FretagwasourEnglishteacher.Thefirstdayinclasssheaskeduseachournames."Iwanttogettoknowallofyou,"shesaid.Shesmiled."Now,eachofyouhasafather,I'msure.Ithinkitwouldbeinterestingifwefoundoutwhateachofyourfathersdoesforaliving.We'llstartwithseatnumberoneandwewillgoaroundtheclass.Now,Marie,whatdoesyourfatherdoforaliving?""He'sagardener.""Ah,that'snice!Seatnumbertwo...Andrew,whatdoesyourfatherdo?"Itwasterrible.Allthefathersinmyimmediateneighborhoodhadlosttheirjobs.Myfatherhadlosthisjob.Gene'sfathersatonhisfrontporchallday.AllthefatherswerewithoutjobsexceptChuck'swhoworkedinameatplant.Hedrovearedcarwiththemeatcompany'snameontheside."Myfatherisafireman,"saidseatnumbertwo."Ah,that'sinteresting,"saidMrs.Fretag."Seatnumberthree.""Myfatherisalawyer.""Seatnumberfour.""Myfatherisa...policeman..."WhatwasIgoingtosay?Maybeonlythefathersinmyneighborhoodwerewithoutjobs.I'dheardofthestockmarketcrash.Itmeantsomethingbad.Maybethestockmarkethadonlycrashedinourneighborhood."Seatnumbereighteen.""Myfatherisamovieactor...""Nineteen...""Myfatherisaconcertviolinist...""Twenty...""Myfatherworksinthecircus...""Twenty-one...""Myfatherisabusdriver...""Twenty-two...""Myfathersingsintheopera...""Twenty-three..."Twenty-three.Thatwasme."Myfatherisadentist,"Isaid.Mrs.Fretagwentrightonthroughtheclassuntilshereachednumberthirty-three."Myfatherdoesn'thaveajob,"saidnumberthirty-three.Shit,Ithought,IwishIhadthoughtofthat.OnedayMrs.Fretaggaveusanassignment."OurdistinguishedPresident,PresidentHerbertHoover,isgoingtovisitLosAngelesthisSaturdaytospeak.IwantallofyoutogohearourPresident.AndIwantyoutowriteanessayabouttheexperienceandaboutwhatyouthinkofPresidentHoover'sspeech."Saturday?TherewasnowayIcouldgo.Ihadtomowthelawn.Ihadtogetthehairs.(Icouldnevergetallthehairs.)AlmosteverySaturdayIgotabeatingwiththerazorstropbecausemyfather 43foundahair.(Ialsogotstroppedduringtheweek,onceortwice,forotherthingsIfailedtodoordidn'tdoright.)TherewasnowayIcouldtellmyfatherthatIhadtogoseePresidentHoover.So,Ididn'tgo.ThatSundayItooksomepaperandsatdowntowriteabouthowIhadseenthePresident.Hisopencar,trailingflowingstreamers,hadenteredthefootballstadium.Onecar,fullofsecretserviceagentswentaheadandtwocarsfollowedclosebehind.TheagentswerebravemenwithgunstoprotectourPresident.ThecrowdroseasthePresident'scarenteredthearena.Therehadneverbeenanythinglikeitbefore.ItwasthePresident.Itwashim.Hewaved.Wecheered.Abandplayed.SeagullscircledoverheadasiftheytooknewitwasthePresident.Andtherewereskywritingairplanestoo.Theywrotewordsintheskylike"Prosperityisjustaroundthecorner."ThePresidentstoodupinhiscar,andjustashedidthecloudspartedandthelightfromthesunfellacrosshisface.ItwasalmostasifGodknewtoo.ThenthecarsstoppedandourgreatPresident,surroundedbysecretserviceagents,walkedtothespeaker'splatform.Ashestoodbehindthemicrophoneabirdflewdownfromtheskyandlandedonthespeaker'splatformnearhim.ThePresidentwavedtothebirdandlaughedandwealllaughedwithhim.Thenhebegantospeakandthepeoplelistened.Icouldn'tquitehearthespeechbecauseIwassittingtoonearapopcornmachinewhichmadealotofnoisepoppingthekernels,butIthinkIheardhimsaythattheproblemsinManchuriawerenotserious,andthatathomeeverythingwasgoingtobeallright,weshouldn'tworry,allwehadtodowastobelieveinAmerica.Therewouldbeenoughjobsforeverybody.Therewouldbeenoughdentistswithenoughteethtopull,enoughfiresandenoughfirementoputthemout.Millsandfactorieswouldopenagain.OurfriendsinSouthAmericawouldpaytheirdebts.Soonwewouldallsleeppeacefully,ourstomachsandourheartsfull.Godandourgreatcountrywouldsurrounduswithloveandprotectusfromevil,fromthesocialists,awakenusfromournationalnightmare,forever...ThePresidentlistenedtotheapplause,waved,thenwentbacktohiscar,gotin,andwasdrivenofffollowedbycarloadsofsecretserviceagentsasthesunbegantosink,theafternoonturningintoevening,redandgoldandwonderful.WehadseenandheardPresidentHerbertHoover.IturnedinmyessayonMonday.OnTuesdayMrs.Fretagfacedtheclass."I'vereadallyouressaysaboutourdistinguishedPresident'svisittoLosAngeles.Iwasthere.Someofyou,Inoticed,couldnotattendforonereasonoranother.Forthoseofyouwhocouldnotattend,IwouldliketoreadthisessaybyHenryChinaski."Theclasswasterriblysilent.Iwasthemostunpopularmemberoftheclassbyfar.Itwaslikeaknifeslicingthroughalltheirhearts."Thisisverycreative,"saidMrs.Fretag,andshebegantoreadmyessay.Thewordssoundedgoodtome.Everybodywaslistening.Mywordsfilledtheroom,fromblackboardtoblackboard,theyhittheceilingandbouncedoff,theycoveredMrs.Fretag'sshoesandpileduponthefloor.Someoftheprettiestgirlsintheclassbegantosneakglancesatme.Allthetoughguyswerepissed.Theiressayshadn'tbeenworthshit.Idrankinmywordslikeathirstyman.Ievenbegantobelievethem.IsawJuansittingtherelikeI'dpunchedhimintheface.Istretchedoutmylegsandleanedback.Alltoosoonitwasover."Uponthisgrandnote,"saidMrs.Fretag,"Iherebydismisstheclass...."Theygotupandbeganpackingout."Notyou,Henry,"saidMrs.Fretag.IsatinmychairandMrs.Fretagstoodtherelookingatme.Thenshesaid,"Henry,wereyouthere?"Isattheretryingtothinkofananswer.Icouldn't.Isaid,"No,Iwasn'tthere."Shesmiled."Thatmakesitallthemoreremarkable.""Yes,ma'am..." 44"Youcanleave,Henry."Igotupandwalkedout.Ibeganmywalkhome.So,that'swhattheywanted:lies.Beautifullies.That'swhattheyneeded.Peoplewerefools.Itwasgoingtobeeasyforme.Ilookedaround.Juanandhisbuddywerenotfollowingme.Thingswerelookingup. 4520ThereweretimeswhenFrankandIwerefriendlywithChuck,EddieandGene.Butsomethingwouldalwayshappen(usuallyIcausedit)andthenIwouldbeout,andFrankwouldbepartlyoutbecausehewasmyfriend.ItwasgoodhangingoutwithFrank.Wehitch-hikedeverywhere.Oneofourfavoriteplaceswasthismoviestudio.Wecrawledunderafencesurroundedbytallweedstogetin.WesawthehugewallandstepstheyusedintheKingKongmovie.Wesawthefakestreetsandthefakebuildings.Thebuildingswerejustfrontswithnothingbehindthem.Wewalkedalloverthatmovielotmanytimesuntiltheguardwouldchaseusout.Wehitch-hikeddowntothebeachtotheFunHouse.WewouldstayintheFunHousethreeorfourhours.Wememorizedthatplace.Itreallywasn'tthatgood.Peopleshitandpissedinthereandtheplacewaslitteredwithemptybottles.Andtherewererubbersinthecrapper,hardenedandwrinkled.BumssleptintheFunHouseafteritclosed.Therereallywasn'tanythingfunnyabouttheFunHouse.TheHouseofMirrorswasgoodatfirst.Westayedinthereuntilwehadmemorizedhowtowalkthroughthemazeofmirrorsandthenitwasn'tanygoodanymore.FrankandInevergotintofights.Wewerecuriousaboutthings.TherewasamoviefeaturingaCaesareanoperationonthepierandwewentinandsawit.Itwasbloody.Eachtimetheycutintothewomanbloodsquirtedout,gushersofit,andthentheypulledoutthebaby.WewentfishingoffthepierandwhenwecaughtsomethingwewouldsellittotheoldJewishladieswhosat.onthebenches.IgotsomebeatingsfrommyfatherforrunningoffwithFrankbutIfiguredIwasgoingtogetthebeatingsanyhowsoImightaswellhavethefun.ButIcontinuedtohavetroublewiththeotherkidsintheneighborhood.Myfatherdidn'thelp.ForexampleheboughtmeanIndiansuitandabowandarrowwhenalltheotherkidshadcowboyoutfits.Itwasthesamethenasintheschoolyard--Iwasganged-upon.They'dcirclemewiththeircowboyoutfitsandtheirguns,butwhenitgotbadI'djustputanarrowintothebow,pullitbackandwait.Thatalwaysmovedthemoff.IneverworethatIndiansuitunlessmyfathermademeputiton.IkeptfallingoutwithChuck,EddieandGeneandthenwe'dgetbacktogetherandthenwe'dfalloutalloveragain.OneafternoonIwasjuststandingaround.Iwasn'texactlyingoodorinbadwiththegang,IwasjustwaitingaroundforthemtoforgetthelastthingIhaddonethathadmadethemangry.Therewasn'tanythingelsetodo.Justwhiteairandwaiting.IgottiredofstandingaroundanddecidedtowalkupthehilltoWashingtonBoulevard,easttothemoviehouseandthenbackdowntoWestAdamsBoulevard.MaybeI'dwalkpastthechurch.Istartedwalking.ThenIheardEddie:"Hey,Henry,comehere!"Theguyswerestandinginadrivewaybetweentwohouses.Eddie,Frank,ChuckandGene.Theywerewatchingsomething.Theywerebentoveralargebushwatchingsomething."Comehere,Henry!""Whatisit?"Iwalkeduptowheretheywerebendingover."It'saspidergettingreadytoeatafly!"saidEddie.Ilooked.Thespiderhadspunawebbetweenthebranchesofabushandaflyhadgottencaughtinthere.Thespiderwasveryexcited.Theflyshookthewholewebasittriedtopullfree.Itwasbuzzingwildlyandhelplesslyasthespiderwoundthefly'swingsandbodyinmoreandmorespiderweb.Thespiderwentaroundandaround,webbingtheflycompletelyasitbuzzed.Thespiderwasverybigandugly."It'sgoingtocloseinnow!"yelledChuck."It'sgoingtosinkitsfangs!"Ipushedinbetweentheguys,kickedoutandknockedthespiderandtheflyoutofthewebwithmyfoot. 46"Whatthehellhaveyoudone?"askedChuck."Youson-of-a-bitch!"yelledEddie."You'vespoiledit!"Ibackedoff.EvenFrankstaredatmestrangely."Let'sgethisass!"yelledGene.Theywerebetweenmeandthestreet.Irandownthedrivewayintothebackyardofastrangehouse.Theywereafterme.Iranthroughthebackyardandbehindthegarage.Therewasasix-footlatticefencecoveredwithvines.Iwentstraightupthefenceandoverthetop.IranthroughthenextbackyardandupthedrivewayandasIranupthedrivewayIlookedbackandsawChuckjustreachingthetopofthefence.Thenheslippedandfellintotheyardlandingonhisback."Shit!"hesaid.Itookarightandkeptrunning.Iranforsevenoreightblocksandthensatdownonsomebody'slawnandrested.Therewasnobodyaround.IwonderedifFrankwouldforgiveme.Iwonderediftheotherswouldforgiveme.Idecidedtostayoutofsightforaweekorso...Andsotheyforgot.Notmuchhappenedforawhile.Thereweremanydaysofnothing.ThenFrank'sfathercommittedsuicide.Nobodyknewwhy.Franktoldmeheandhismotherwouldhavetomovetoasmallerplaceinanotherneighborhood.Hesaidhewouldwrite.Andhedid.Onlywedidn'twrite.Wedrewcartoons.Aboutcannibals.HiscartoonswereabouttroubleswithcannibalsandthenI'dcontinuethecartoonstorywherehisleftoff,aboutthetroubleswiththecannibals.MymotherfoundoneofFrank'scartoonsandshowedittomyfatherandourletterwritingwasover.5thgradebecame6thgradeandIbegantothinkaboutrunningawayfromhomebutIdecidedthatifmostofourfatherscouldn'tgetjobshowinthehellcouldaguyunderfivefeettallgetone?JohnDillingerwaseverybody'shero,adultsandkidsalike.Hetookthemoneyfromthebanks.AndtherewasPrettyBoyFloydandMaBarkerandMachineGunKelly.Peoplebegangoingtovacantlotswhereweedsgrew.Theyhadlearnedthatsomeoftheweedscouldbecookedandeaten.Therewerefistfightsbetweenmeninthevacantlotsandonstreetcorners.Everybodywasangry.ThemensmokedBullDurhamanddidn'ttakeanyshitfromanybody.TheyletthelittleroundBullDurhamtagshangoutoftheirfrontshirtpocketsandtheycouldallrollacigarettewithonehand.WhenyousawamanwithaBullDurhamtagdangling,thatmeantlookout.Peoplewentaroundtalkingabout2ndand3rdmortgages.Myfathercamehomeonenightwithabrokenarmandtwoblackeyes.Mymotherhadalowpayingjobsomewhere.AndeachboyintheneighborhoodhadonepairofSundaypantsandonepairofdailypants.Whenshoesworeoutthereweren'tanynewones.Thedepartmentstoreshadsolesandheelstheysoldfor15or20centsalongwiththeglue,andtheseweregluedtothebottomsofthewornoutshoes.Gene'sparentshadoneroosterandsomechickensintheirbackyard,andifsomechickendidn'tlayenougheggstheyateit.Asforme,itwasthesame--atschool,andwithChuck,GeneandEddie.Notonlydidthegrownupsgetmean,thekidsgotmean,andeventheanimalsgotmean.Itwasliketheytooktheircuefromthepeople.OnedayIwasstandingaround,waitingasusual,notfriendlywiththegang,nolongerreallywantingtobe,whenGenerusheduptome,"Hey,Henry,comeon!""Whatisit?""COMEON!"GenestartedrunningandIranafterhim.WerandownthedrivewayandintotheGibsons'backyard.TheGibsonshadalargebrickwallallaroundtheirbackyard."LOOK!HE'SGOTTHECATCORNERED!HE'SGOINGTOKILLIT!"Therewasasmallwhitecatbackedintoacornerofthewall.Itcouldn'tgoupanditcouldn'tgoinonedirectionortheother.Itsbackwasarchedanditwasspitting,itsclawsready.ButitwasverysmallandChuck'sbulldog,Barney,wasgrowlingandmovingcloserandcloser.Igotthefeelingthatthecathadbeen 47puttherebytheguysandthenthebulldoghadbeenbroughtin.IfeltitstronglybecauseofthewayChuckandEddieandGenewerewatching:theyhadaguiltylook."Youguysdidthis,"Isaid."No,"saidChuck,"it'sthecat'sfault.Itcameinhere.Letitfightitswayout.""Ihateyoubastards,"Isaid."Barney'sgoingtokillthatcat,"saidGene."Barneywillripittopieces,"saidEddie."He'safraidoftheclawsbutwhenhemovesinitwillbeallover."Barneywasalargebrownbulldogwithslobberingjaws.Hewasdumbandfatwithsenselessbrowneyes.Hisgrowlwassteadyandhekeptinchingforward,thehairsstandinguponhisneckandalonghisback.IfeltlikekickinghiminhisstupidassbutIfiguredhewouldripmylegoff.Hewasentirelyintentuponthekill.Thewhitecatwasn'tevenfullygrown.Ithissedandwaited,pressedagainstthewall,abeautifulcreature,soclean.Thedogmovedslowlyforward.Whydidtheguysneedthis?Thiswasn'tamatterofcourage,itwasjustdirtyplay.Wherewerethegrownups?Whereweretheauthorities?Theywerealwaysaroundaccusingme.Nowwherewerethey?Ithoughtofrushingin,grabbingthecatandrunning,butIdidn'thavethenerve.Iwasafraidthatthebulldogwouldattackme.TheknowledgethatIdidn'thavethecouragetodowhatwasnecessarymademefeelterrible.Ibegantofeelphysicallysick.Iwasweak.Ididn'twantittohappenyetIcouldn'tthinkofanywaytostopit."Chuck,"Isaid,"letthecatgo,please.Callyourdogoff."Chuckdidn'tanswer.Hejustkeptwatching.Thenhesaid,"Barney,gogethim!Getthatcat!"Barneymovedforwardandsuddenlythecatleaped.Itwasafuriousblurofwhiteandhissing,clawsandteeth.Barneybackedoffandthecatretreatedtothewallagain."Gogethim,Barney,"Chucksaidagain."Goddamnyou,shutup!"Itoldhim."Don'ttalktomethatway,"Chucksaid.Barneybegantomoveinagain."Youguyssetthisup,"Isaid.Iheardaslightsoundbehindusandlookedaround.IsawoldMr.Gibsonwatchingfrombehindhisbedroomwindow.Hewantedthecattogetkilledtoo,justliketheguys.Why?OldMr.Gibsonwasourmailmanwiththefalseteeth.Hehadawifewhostayedinthehouseallthetime.Sheonlycameouttoemptythegarbage.Mrs.Gibsonalwaysworeanetoverherhairandshewasalwaysdressedinanightgown,bathrobeandslippers.ThenasIwatched,Mrs.Gibson,dressedasalwayscameandstoodnexttoherhusband,waitingforthekill.OldMr.Gibsonwasoneofthefewmenintheneighborhoodwithajobbuthestillneededtoseethecatkilled.GibsonwasjustlikeChuck,EddieandGene.Thereweretoomanyofthem.Thebulldogmovedcloser.Icouldn'twatchthekill.Ifeltagreatshameatleavingthecatlikethat.Therewasalwaysthechancethatthecatmighttrytoescape,butIknewthattheywouldpreventit.Thatcatwasn'tonlyfacingthebulldog,itwasfacingHumanity.Iturnedandwalkedaway,outoftheyard,upthedrivewayandtothesidewalk.IwalkedalongthesidewalktowardwhereIlivedandthereinthefrontyardofhishome,myfatherstoodwaiting."Wherehaveyoubeen?"heasked.Ididn'tanswer."Getinside,"hesaid,"andstoplookingsounhappyorI'llgiveyousomethingthatwillreallymakeyouunhappy!" 4821ThenIstartedattendingMt.JustinJr.High.AbouthalftheguysfromDelseyGrammarSchoolwentthere,thebiggestandtoughesthalf.Anothergangofgiantscamefromotherschools.Our7thgradeclasswasbiggerthanthe9thgradeclass.Whenwelinedupforgymitwasfunny,mostofuswerebiggerthanthegymteachers.Wewouldstandthereforrollcall,slouched,ourgutshangingout,headsdown,shouldersslumped."JesusChrist,"saidWagner,thegymteacher,"pullyourshouldersback,standstraight!"Nobodywouldchangeposition.Wewerethewaywewere,andwedidn'twanttobeanythingelse.WeallcamefromDepressionfamiliesandmostofuswereill-fed,yetwehadgrownuptobehugeandstrong.Mostofus,Ithink,gotlittlelovefromourfamilies,andwedidn'taskforloveorkindnessfromanybody.Wewereajokebutpeoplewerecarefulnottolaughinfrontofus.Itwasasifwehadgrownuptoosoonandwewereboredwithbeingchildren.Wehadnorespectforourelders.Wewereliketigerswiththemange.OneoftheJewishfellows,SamFeidman,hadablackbeardandhadtoshaveeverymorning.Bynoonhischinwasalmostblack.Andhehadamassofblackhairalloverhischestandhesmelledterribleunderthearms.AnotherguylookedlikeJackDempsey.Anotherguy,PeterMangalore,hadacock10incheslong,soft.Andwhenwegotintheshower,IfoundoutIhadthebiggestballsofanybody."Hey!Lookatthatguy'sballs,willya?""Holyshit!Notmuchcockbutlookatthoseballs!""Holyshit!"Idon'tknowwhatitwasaboutusbutwehadsomething,andwefeltit.Youcouldseeitinthewaywewalkedandtalked.Wedidn'ttalkmuch,wejustinferred,andthat'swhatgoteverybodymad,thewaywetookthingsforgranted.The7thgradeteamwouldplaytouchfootballafterschoolagainstthe8thand9thgraders.Itwasnomatch.Webeatthemeasy,weknockedthemdown,wediditwithstyle,almostwithouteffort.Intouchfootballmostteamspassedoneveryplay,butourteamworkedinlotsofruns.Thenwecouldsetuptheblockingandourguyswouldgofortheotherguysandknockthemdown.Itwasjustanexcusetobeviolent,wedidn'tgiveadamnabouttherunner.Theothersidewasalwaysgladwhenwecalledapassplay.Thegirlsstayedafterschoolandwatchedus.Someofthemwerealreadygoingoutwithhighschoolguys,theydidn'twanttomesswithjr.highschoolpunks,buttheystayedtowatchthe7thgraders.Wewereknown.Thegirlsstayedafterclassandwatchedusandmarveled.Iwasn'tontheteambutIstoodonthesidelinesandsneakedsmokes,feelinglikeacoachorsomething.We'reallgoingtogetfucked,wethought,watchingthegirls.Butmostofusonlymasturbated.Masturbation.IrememberhowIlearnedaboutit.OnemorningEddiescratchedonmybedroomwindow."Whatisit?"IaskedEddie.Heheldupatesttubeandithadsomethingwhiteinthebottomofit."What'sthat?""Come,"saidEddie,"it'smycome.""Yeah?""Yeah,allyoudoisspitonyourhandandbeginrubbingyourcock,itfeelsgoodandprettysoonthiswhitejuiceshootsoutoftheendofyourcock.Thatstuffiscalled'come."'"Yeah?""Yeah."Eddiewalkedoffwithhistesttube.IthoughtaboutitawhileandthenIdecidedtotryit.Mycockgothardanditfeltrealgood,itfeltbetterandbetter,andIkeptgoinganditfeltlikenothingIhadeverfeltbefore.Thenjuicespurtedoutoftheheadofmycock.AfterthatIdiditeverynowandthen.Itgotbetterifyouimaginedyouweredoingitwithagirlwhileyouwhacked-off. 49OnedayIwasstandingonthesidelineswatchingourteamkicktheshitoutofsomeotherteam.Iwassneakingasmokeandwatching.Therewasagirloneithersideofme.AsourguysbrokeoutofahuddleIsawthegymcoach,CurlyWagner,walkingtowardme.Iditchedthesmokeandclappedmyhands."Let'sdump'emontheirbutts,gang!"Wagnerwalkeduptome.Hejuststoodtherestaringatme.Ihaddevelopedanevillookonmyface."I'mgoingtogetallyouguys!"Wagnersaid."Especiallyyou!"Iturnedmyheadandglancedathim,casually,thenturnedmyheadaway.Wagnerstoodtherelookingatme.Thenhewalkedoff.Ifeltgoodaboutthat.Ilikedbeingpickedoutasoneofthebadguys.Ilikedtofeelbad.Anybodycouldbeagoodguy,thatdidn'ttakeguts.Dillingerhadguts.MaBarkerwasagreatwomanteachingthoseguyshowtooperateasubmachinegun.Ididn'twanttobelikemyfather.Heonlypretendedtobebad.Whenyou'rebadyoudidn'tpretend,itwasjustthere.Ilikedbeingbad.Tryingtobegoodmademesick.Thegirlnexttomesaid,"Youdon'thavetotakethatfromWagner.Areyouafraidofhim?"Iturnedandlookedather.Istaredatheralongtime,motionless."What'swrongwithyou?"sheasked.Ilookedawayfromher,spitontheground,andwalkedoff.Islowlywalkedthelengthofthefield,exitedthroughthereargateandbeganwalkinghome.Wagneralwaysworeagreysweatshirtandgreysweatpants.Hehadalittlepotbelly.Somethingwascontinuallybotheringhim.Hisonlyadvantagewashisage.Hewouldtrytobluffusbutthatwasworkinglessandless.Therewasalwayssomebodypushingmewhohadnorighttopush.Wagnerandmyfather.MyfatherandWagner.Whatdidtheywant?WhywasIintheirway? 5022Oneday,justlikeingrammarschool,likewithDavid,aboyattachedhimselftome.Hewassmallandthinandhadalmostnohairontopofhishead.TheguyscalledhimBaldy.HisrealnamewasEliLaCrosse.Ilikedhisrealname,butIdidn'tlikehim.Hejustgluedhimselftome.HewassopitifulthatIcouldn'ttellhimtogetlost.Hewaslikeamongreldog,starvedandkicked.Yetitdidn'tmakemefeelgoodgoingaroundwithhim.ButsinceIknewthatmongreldogfeeling,Ilethimhangaround.Heusedacusswordinalmosteverysentence,atleastonecussword,butitwasallfake,hewasn'ttough,hewasscared.Iwasn'tscaredbutIwasconfusedsomaybewewereagoodpair.Iwalkedhimbacktohisplaceafterschooleveryday.Hewaslivingwithhismother,hisfatherandhisgrandfather.Theyhadalittlehouseacrossfromasmallpark.Ilikedthearea,ithadgreatshadetrees,andsincesomepeoplehadtoldmethatIwasugly,Ialwayspreferredshadetothesun,darknesstolight.DuringourwalkshomeBaldyhadtoldmeabouthisfather.Hehadbeenadoctor,asuccessfulsurgeon,buthehadlosthislicensebecausehewasadrunk.OnedayImetBaldy'sfather.Hewassittinginachairunderatree,justsittingthere."Dad,"hesaid,"thisisHenry.""Hello,Henry."ItremindedmeofwhenIhadseenmygrandfatherforthefirsttime,standingonthestepsofhishouse.OnlyBaldy'sfatherhadblackhairandablackbeard,buthiseyeswerethesame--brilliantandglowing,sostrange.AndherewasBaldy,theson,andhedidn'tglowatall."Comeon,"Baldysaid,"followme."Wewentdownintoacellar,underthehouse.Itwasdarkanddampandwestoodawhileuntiloureyesgrewusedtothegloom.ThenIcouldseeanumberofbarrels."Thesebarrelsarefullofdifferentkindsofwine,"Baldysaid."Eachbarrelhasaspigot.Wanttotrysome?""No.""Goahead,justtryagod-damnedsip.""Whatfor?""Youthinkyou'reagod-damnedmanorwhat?""I'mtough,"Isaid."Thentakeafuckingsample."HerewaslittleBaldy,daringme.Noproblem.Iwalkeduptoabarrel,duckedmyheaddown."Turnthegod-damnedspigot!Openyourgod-damnedmouth!""Arethereanyspidersaroundhere?""Goon!Goon,goddamnit!"Iputmymouthunderthespigotandopenedit.Asmellyliquidtrickledoutandintomymouth.Ispititout."Don'tbechicken!Swallowit,whattheshit!"IopenedthespigotandIopenedmymouth.ThesmellyliquidenteredandIswallowedit.Iturnedoffthespigotandstoodthere.IthoughtIwasgoingtopuke."Now,youdrinksome,"IsaidtoBaldy."Sure,"hesaid,"Iain'tfuckingafraid!"Hegotdownunderabarrelandtookagoodswallow.Alittlepunklikethatwasn'tgoingtooutdome.Igotunderanotherbarrel,openeditandtookaswallow.Istoodup.Iwasbeginningtofeelgood."Hey,Baldy,"Isaid,"Ilikethisstuff.""Well,shit,trysomemore."Itriedsomemore.Itwastastingbetter.Iwasfeelingbetter."Thisstuffbelongstoyourfather,Baldy.Ishouldn'tdrinkitall.""Hedoesn'tcare.He'sstoppeddrinking."NeverhadIfeltsogood.Itwasbetterthanmasturbating.Iwentfrombarreltobarrel.Itwasmagic.Whyhadn'tsomeonetoldme?Withthis,lifewasgreat,amanwasperfect,nothingcouldtouchhim.IstoodupstraightandlookedatBaldy. 51"Where'syourmother?I'mgoingtofuckyourmother!""I'llkillyou,youbastard,youstayawayfrommymother!""YouknowIcanwhipyou,Baldy.""Yes.""Allright,I'llleaveyourmotheralone.""Let'sgothen,Henry.""Onemoredrink..."Iwenttoabarrelandtookalongone.Thenwewentupthecellarstairway.Whenwewereout,Baldy'sfatherwasstillsittinginhischair."Youboysbeeninthewinecellar,eh?""Yes,"saidBaldy."Startingalittleearly,aren'tyou?"Wedidn'tanswer.WewalkedovertotheboulevardandBaldyandIwentintoastorewhichsoldchewinggum.Weboughtseveralpacksofitandstuckitintoourmouths.Hewasworriedabouthismotherfindingout.Iwasn'tworriedaboutanything.WesatonaparkbenchandchewedthegumandIthought,well,nowIhavefoundsomething,Ihavefoundsomethingthatisgoingtohelpme,foralonglongtimetocome.Theparkgrasslookedgreener,theparkbencheslookedbetterandtheflowersweretryingharder.Maybethatstuffwasn'tgoodforsurgeonsbutanybodywhowantedtobeasurgeon,therewassomethingwrongwiththeminthefirstplace. 5223AtMt.Justin,biologyclasswasneat.WehadMr.Stanhopeforourteacher.Hewasanoldguyabout55andweprettymuchdominatedhim.LillyFischmanwasintheclassandshewasreallydeveloped.Herbreastswereenormousandshehadamarvelousbehindwhichshewiggledwhilewalkinginherhigh-heeledshoes.Shewasgreat,shetalkedtoalltheguysandrubbedupagainstthemwhileshetalked.Everydayinbiologyclassitwasthesame.Weneverlearnedanybiology,Mr.StanhopewouldtalkforabouttenminutesandthenLillywouldsay,"Oh,Mr.Stanhope,let'shaveashow!""No!""Oh,Mr.Stanhope!"Shewouldwalkuptohisdesk,bendoverhimsweetlyandwhispersomething."Oh,well,allright..."he'dsay.AndthenLillywouldbeginsingingandwiggling.Shealwaysopenedupwith"TheLullabyofBroadway"andthenshewentintoherothernumbers.Shewasgreat,shewashot,shewasburningup,andweweretoo.Shewaslikeagrownwoman,puttingittoStanhope,puttingittous.Itwaswonderful.OldStanhopewouldsitthereblubberingandslobbering.We'dlaughatStanhopeandcheerLillyon.Itlasteduntilonedaytheprincipal,Mr.Lacefield,camerunningin."What'sgoingonhere?"Stanhopejustsatthereunabletospeak."Thisclassisdismissed!"Lacefieldscreamed.Aswefiledout,Lacefieldsaid,"Andyou,MissFischman,willreporttomyoffice!"Ofcourse,afterthatweneverstudiedourhomework,andthatwasallrightuntilthedayMr.Stanhopegaveusourfirstexamination."Shit,"saidPeterMangaloreoutloud,"whatarewegoingtodo?"Peterwastheguywiththe10-incher,soft."You'llneverhavetoworkforaliving,"saidtheguywholookedlikeJackDempsey."Thisisourproblem.""Maybeweoughttoburntheschooldown,"saidRedKirkpatrick."Shit,"saidaguyfromthebackoftheroom,"everytimeIgetan'F'myfatherpullsoutoneofmyfingernails."Wealllookedatourexaminationsheets.Ithoughtaboutmyfather.ThenIthoughtaboutLillyFischman.LillyFischman,Ithought,youareawhore,anevilwoman,wigglingyourbodyinfrontofusandsinginglikethat,youwillsendusalltohell.Stanhopewaswatchingus."Whyisn'tanybodywriting?Whyisn'tanybodyansweringthequestions?Doeseverybodyhaveapencil?""Yeah,yeah,weallgotpencils,"oneoftheguyssaid.Lillysatupinfront,rightbyMr.Stanhope'sdesk.Wesawheropenherbiologytextbookandlookuptheanswertothefirstquestion.Thatwasit.Weallopenedupourtextbooks.Stanhopejustsatthereandwatchedus.Hedidn'tknowwhattodo.Hebegantosputter.Hesatthereagoodfiveminutes,thenhejumpedup.Heranbackandforthupanddownthecenteraisleoftheroom."Whatareyoupeopledoing?Closethosetextbooks!Closethosetextbooks!"Asheranby,thestudentswouldclosetheirbooksonlytoopenthemagainwhenhehadrunpast.Baldywasintheseatnexttomine,laughing."He'sanasshole!Oh,whatanoldasshole!"IfeltalittlesorryforStanhopebutitwaseitherhimorme.Stanhopestoodbehindhisdeskandscreamed,"AlltextbooksmustbeclosedorIwillflunktheentireclass!"ThenLillyFischmanstoodup.Shepulledherskirtupandyankedatoneofhersilkstockings.Sheadjustedthegarter,wesawwhiteflesh.Thenshepulledatandadjustedtheotherstocking. 53Suchasightwehadneverseen,norhadStanhopeeverseenanythinglikeit.Lillysatdownandweallfinishedtheexamwithourtextbooksopen.Stanhopesatbehindhisdesk,utterlydefeated.AnotherguywejerkedaroundwasPopFarnsworth.ItbeganthefirstdayinMachineShop.Hesaid,"Herewelearnbydoing.Wewillbeginrightnow.Youwilleachtakeanengineapartandputitbacktogether,untilitisinworkingorder,duringthesemester.TherearechartsonthewallandIwillansweryourquestions.Youwillalsobeshownmoviesabouthowanengineworks.Butrightnowpleasebegintodismantleyourengines.Thetoolsareonyourworkshelf.""Hey,Pop,howaboutthemoviesfirst?"someguyasked."Isaid,'Beginyourproject!"'Idon'tknowwheretheygotallthoseengines.Theyweregreasyandblackandrusted.Theylookedreallydismal."Fuck,"saidsomeguy,"thisoneisahunkofcloggedshit."Westoodoverourengines.Mostoftheguysreachedformonkeywrenches.RedKirkpatricktookascrewdriverandscrapeditslowlyalongthetopofhisenginecarefullycreatingablackribbonofgreasetwofeetlong."Comeon,Pop,howaboutamovie?Wejustgotoutofgym,ourassesaredragging!Wagnerhadusdoingthehop,skipandjumplikeabunchoffrogs!""Beginyourassignmentasrequested!"Westartedin.Itwassenseless.ItwasworsethanMusicAppreciation.Someclankingoftoolscouldbeheardandsomeheavybreathing."FUCK!"holleredHarryHenderson,"I'VEJUSTSKINNEDMYWHOLEGOD-DAMNEDKNUCKLE!THISISNOTHINGBUTFUCKINGWHITESLAVERY!"Hewrappedahandkerchieftenderlyaroundhisrighthandandwatchedthebloodsoakthrough."Shit,"hesaid.Therestofuskepttrying."I'dratherstickmyheadupanelephant'scunt,"saidRedKirkpatrick.JackDempseythrewhiswrenchtothefloor."Iquit,"hesaid,"doanythingyouwanttome,Iquit.Killme.Cutmyballsoff.Iquit."Hewalkedoverandleanedagainstawall.Hefoldedhisarmsandlookeddownathisshoes.Thesituationseemedtrulyterrible.Thereweren'tanygirls.Whenyoulookedoutthebackdooroftheshopyoucouldseetheopenschoolyard,allthatsunlightandemptyspaceouttherewheretherewasnothingtodo.Andherewewerebentoverstupidenginesthatweren'tevenattachedtocars,theywereuseless.Juststupidsteel.Itwasdumbanditwashard.Weneededmercy.Ourlivesweredumbenough.Somethinghadtosaveus.We'dheardPopwasasofttouchbutitdidn'tseemtrue.Hewasagiantson-of-a-bitchwithabeergut,dressedinhisgreasyoutfit,andwithhairhangingdowninhiseyesandgreaseonhischin.ArnieWhitechapelthrewdownhiswrenchandwalkeduptoMr.Farnsworth.Arniehadabiggrinonhisface."Hey,Pop,whatthefuck?""Getbacktoyourengine,Whitechapel!""Ah,comeon.Pop,whattheshit!"Arniewasacoupleofyearsolderthantherestofus.Hehadspentafewyearsinsomeboys'correctionalschool.Buteventhoughhewasolderthanwewere,hewassmaller.Hehadveryblackhairslickedbackwithvaseline.Hewouldstandinfrontofthemirrorinthemen'scrappersqueezinghispimples.HetalkeddirtytothegirlsandcarriedSheikrubbersinhispockets."Igotagoodoneforyou.Pop!""Yeah?Getbacktoyourengine,Whitechapel.""It'sagoodone,Pop."WestoodthereandwatchedasArniebegantotellPopadirtyjoke.Theirheadswereclosetogether.Thenthejokewasover,Popbeganlaughing.Thatbigbodywasdoubledover,hewasholdinghisgut."Holyshit!Ohmygod,holyshit!"helaughed.Thenhestopped."O.K.,Arnie,backtoyourmachine!" 54"No,wait,Pop,Igotanotherone!""Yeah?""Yeah,listen..."Weallleftourmachinesandwalkedover.Wecircledthem,listeningasArnietoldthenextjoke.WhenitwasoverPopdoubledup."Holyshit,ohlord,holyshit!""Thenthere'sanotherone,Pop.Thisguyisdrivinghiscarinthedesert.Henoticesthisguyjumpingalongtheroad.He'snakedandhishandsandfeetarctiedwithrope.Theguystopshiscarandaskstheguy,'Hey,buddy,what'sthematter?'Andtheguytellshim,'Well,IwasdrivingalongandIsawthisbastardhitch-hikingsoIstoppedandtheson-of-a-bitchpullsagunonme,takesmyclothesawayandthentiesmeup.Thenthedirtyson-of-a-bitchreamsmeintheass!''Ohyeah?'saystheguygettingoutofhiscar.'Yeah,that'swhatthatdirtyson-of-a-bitchdid!'saystheman.'Well,'saystheguyunzippinghisfly,1guessthisjustisn'tyourluckyday!"'Popbeganlaughing,hedoubledover."Oh,no!Oh,NO!OH...HOLY...SHIT,CHRIST...HOLYSHIT...!"Hefinallystopped."Goddamn,"hesaidquietly,"ohmylord...""Howaboutamovie,Pop?""Ohwell,allright."SomebodyclosedthebackdoorandPoppulledoutadirtywhitescreen.Hestartedtheprojector.Itwasalousymoviebutitbeatworkingonthoseengines.Thegaswasignitedbythesparkplugsandtheexplosionhitthecylinderheadandtheheadwasthrustdownandthatturnedthecrankshaftandthevalvesopenedandclosedandthecylinderheadskeptgoingupanddownandthecrankshaftturnedsomemore.Notveryinteresting,butitwascoolinthereandyoucouldleanbackinyourchairandthinkaboutwhatyouwantedtothinkabout.Youdidn'thavetobustyourknucklesondumbsteel.WeneverdidgetthoseenginestakenapartletaloneputbacktogetheragainandIdon'tknowhowmanytimeswesawthatsamemovie.Whitechapel'sjokeskeptcomingandwealllaughedourheadsoffeventhoughmostofthejokeswereprettyterrible,excepttoPopFarnsworthwhokeptdoublingoverandlaughing,"Holyshit!Oh,no!Oh,no,no,no!"HewasanO.K.guy.Wealllikedhim. 5524OurEnglishteacher,MissGredis,wastheabsolutebest.Shewasablondewithalongsharpnose.Hernosewasn'tmuchgoodbutyoudidn'tnoticeitwhenyoulookedattherestofher.Sheworetightdressesandlowv-necks,blackhigh-heeledshoesandsilkstockings.Shewassnake-likewithlongbeautifullegs.Sheonlysatbehindherdeskwhenshetookrollcall.Shekeptonedeskvacantatthefrontoftheroomandafterrollcallshewouldcomedownandsitonthatdesktop,facingus.MissGredissatperchedtherewithherlegscrossedandherskirtpulledhigh.Neverhadweseensuchankles,suchlegs,suchthighs.Well,therewasLillyFischman,butLillywasagirl-womanwhileMissGrediswasinfullbloom.Andwegottogazeuponherforafullhoureachday.Therewasn'taboyinthatclasswhowasn'tsadwhenthebellrangendingtheEnglishperiod.We'dtalkabouther."Doyouthinkshewantstobefucked?""No,Ithinkshe'sjustteasingus.Sheknowsshe'sdrivinguscrazy,that'sallsheneeds,that'sallshewants.""Iknowwhereshelives.I'mgoingovertheresomenight.""Youwouldn'thavetheballs!""Yeah?Yeah?I'llfucktheshitoutofher!She'saskingforit!""AguyIknowinthe8thgradesaidhewentoverthereonenight.""Yeah?Whathappened?""Shecametothedoorinanightgown,hertitswerepracticallyhangingout.Theguysaidhehadforgottenthenextday'shomeworkandwonderedwhatitwas.Sheaskedhimin.""Noshit?""Yeah.Nothinghappened.Shemadehimsometea,toldhimaboutthehomeworkandheleft.""IfIhadofgottenin,thatwouldhavebeenit!""Yeah?Whatwouldyouhavedone?""FirstIwouldhavecorn-holedher,thenIwouldhaveeatenherpussy,thenIwouldfuckherbetweenthetitsandthenIwouldforcehertogivemeablowjob.""Nokidding,dreamerboy.Youeverbeenlaid?""Fuckyes,I'vebeenlaid.Severaltimes.""Howwasit?""Lousy.""Couldn'tcome,hub?""Icameallovertheplace,IthoughtI'dneverstop.""Camealloverthepalmofyourhand,hub?""Ha,ha,ha,ha!""Ah,ha,ha,ha,ha,ha!""Ha,ha!""Alloveryourhand,hub?""Fuckyouguys!""Idon'tthinkanyofushasbeenlaid,"saidoneoftheguys.Therewassilence."That'sshit.IwaslaidwhenIwassevenyearsold.""That'snothing.IwaslaidwhenIwasfour.""Sure,Red.Layitongood!""Igotthislittlegirlunderthehouse.""Yougotahard?""Sure.""Youcame?""Ithinkso.Somethingsquirtedout.""Sure.Youpissedinhercunt,Red.""Balls!""Whatwashername?""BettyAnn.""Fuck,"saidtheguywhoclaimedtohavegottenlaidwhenhewasseven."MinewasnamedBettyAnntoo.""Thatwhore,"saidRed.OnetineSpringdayweweresittinginEnglishclassandMissGrediswassittingonthefrontdeskfacingus.Shehadherskirtpulledespeciallyhigh,itwasterrifying,beautiful,wondrousanddirty. 56Suchlegs,suchthighs,wewereveryclosetothemagic.Itwasunbelievable.Baldysatintheseatacrosstheaislefromme.Hereachedoverandbeganpokingmeonthelegwithhisfinger:"She'sbreakingalltherecords!"hewhispered."Look!Look!""MyGod,"Isaid,"shutuporshe'llpullherskirtdown!"BaldypulledhishandbackandIwaited.Wehadn'tspookedMissGredis.Herskirtremainedashighasever.Itwastrulyadaytoremember.Therewasn'taboyinclasswithoutahard-onandMissGrediswentontalking.I'msurethatnoneoftheboysheardawordshewassaying.Thegirls,though,turnedandglancedateachotherasiftosay,thisbitchisgoingtoofar.MissGrediscouldn'tgotoofar.Itwasalmostasifthereweren'tevenacuntuptherebutsomethingmuchbetter.Thoselegs.Thesuncamethroughthewindowandpouredinonthoselegsandthighs,thesunplayedonthatwarmsilkpulledsotightly.Theskirtwassohighpulledhack,weallprayedforaglimpseofpanty,aglimpseofsomething,JesusChrist,itwasliketheworldendingandbeginningandendingagain,itwaseverythingrealandunreal,thesun,thethighs,andthesilk,sosmooth,sowarm,soalluring.Thewholeroomthrobbed.EyesightblurredandreturnedandMissGrediswentonsittingthereasifnothingwashappeningandshekepttalkingasifeverythingwasnormal.That'swhatmadeitsogoodandsoterrible:thefactthatshepretendedthatitwasn'thappening.Ilookeddownatmydesktopforamomentandsawthegraininthewoodheightenedasifeachpatternwasapoolofwhirlingliquid.ThenIquicklylookedbackatthelegsandthighs,angeredwithmyselfthatIhadlookedawayforamoment,andperhapsmissedsomething.Thenthesoundbegan:Thump,thump,thump,thump..."RichardWaite.Hesatinaseatintheback.Hehadhugeearsandthicklips,thelipswereswollenandmonstrousandhehadaverylargehead.Hiseyeswerealmostwithoutcolor,theydidn'treflectinterestorintelligence.Hehadlargefeetandhismouthalwayshungopen.Whenhespokethewordscameoutonebyone,halting,withlongpausesinbetween.Hewasn'tevenasissy.Nobodyeverspoketohim.Nobodyknewwhathewasdoingthereinourschool.Hegavetheimpressionthatsomethingimportantwasmissingfromhismakeup.Heworecleanclothing,buthisshirtwasalwaysoutintheback,oneortwobuttonsweregoneonhisshirtoronhispants.RichardWaite.Helivedsomewhereandhecametoschooleveryday."Thump,thump,thump,thump,thump..."RichardWaitewasjerking-off,asalutetoMissGredis'thighsandlegs.Hehadfinallyweakened.Perhapshedidn'tunderstandsociety'sways.Nowweallheardhim.MissGredisheardhim.Thegirlsheardhim.Weallknewwhathewasdoing.Hewassofuckingdumbhedidn'tevenhavesenseenoughtokeepitquiet.Andhewasbecomingmoreandmoreexcited.Thethumpsgrewlouder.Hisclosedfistwashittingtheundersideofhisdesktop."THUMP,THUMPTHUMP..."WelookedatMissGredis.Whatwouldshedo?Shehesitated.Sheglancedabouttheclass.Shesmiled,ascomposedasever,andthenshecontinuedspeaking:"IbelievethattheEnglishlanguageisthemostexpressiveandcontagiousformofcommunication.Tobeginwith,weshouldbethankfulthatwehavethisuniquegiftofagreatlanguage.Andifweabuseitweareonlyabusingourselves.Soletuslisten,heed,acknowledgeourheritage,andyetexploreandtakeriskswithlanguage..." 57"THUMP,THUMP,THUMP...""WemustforgetEnglandandtheiruseofourcommontongue.EventhoughEnglishusageisfine,ourownAmericanlanguagecontainsmanydeepwellsofunexploredresources.Theseresources,asyet,remainuntapped.Giventhepropermomentandtheproperwriters,therewillonedaybealiteraryexplosion...""THUMP,THUMP,THUMP..."Yes,RichardWaitewasoneofthefewwenevertalkedto.Actually,wewereafraidofhim.Hewasn'tsomebodyyoucouldbeattheshitoutof,thatwouldnevermakeanybodyfeelbetter.Youjustwantedtogetasfarawayfromhimaspossible,youdidn'twanttolookathim,youdidn'twanttolookatthosebiglips,thatbigunfoldingmouthlikethemouthofabruisedfrog.Youshunnedhimbecauseyoucouldn'tdefeatRichardWaite.WewaitedandwaitedwhileMissGredistalkedonaboutEnglishversusAmericanculture.Wewaited,whileRichardWaitewentonandon.Richard'sfistbangedagainsttheundersideofhisdesktopandthelittlegirlsglancedateachotherandtheguyswerethinking,whyisthisassholeinthisclasswithus?He'sgoingtospoileverything.OneassholeandMissGrediswillpullherskirtdownforever."THUMP,THUMP,THUMP..."Andthenitstopped.Richardsatthere.Hewasfinished.Wesneakedglancesathim.Helookedthesame.Washisspermlayinginhislaporwasitinhishand?Thebellrang.Englishclasswasover.Afterthat,therewasmoreofthesame.RichardWaitethumpeditoftenwhilewelistenedtoMissGredissittingonthatfrontdeskwithherlegscrossedhigh.Weboysacceptedthesituation.Afterawhileweevenwereamused.Thegirlsaccepteditbuttheydidn'tlikeit,especiallyLillyFischmanwhowasalmostforgotten.BesidesRichardWaite,therewasanotherproblemformeinthatclass:HarryWalden.HarryWaldenwaspretty,thegirlsthought,andhehadlonggoldencurlsandworestrange,delicateclothing.Helookedlikean18thcenturyfop,lotsofstrangecolors,darkgreen,darkblue,Idon'tknowwherethehellhisparentsfoundhisclothes.Andhealwayssatverystillandlistenedattentively.Likeheunderstoodeverything.Thegirlssaid,"He'sagenius."Hedidn'tlooklikeanythingtome.WhatIcouldn'tunderstandwasthatthetoughguysdidn'tmesswithhim.Itbotheredme.Howcouldhegetoffsoeasy?Ifoundhimonedayinthehall.Istoppedhim."Youdon'tlooklikeshittome,"Isaid."Howcomeeverybodythinksyou'rehotshit?"WaldenglancedovertohisrightandwhenIturnedmyheadtolookinthatdirection,heslidaroundmeasifIweresomethingfromthesewerandthenamomentlaterhewasinhisseatintheclass.AlmosteverydayitwasMissGredisshowingitallandRichardthumpingawayandthisguyWaldensittingtheresayingnothingandactinglikehebelievedhewasagenius.Igotsickofit.Iaskedsomeoftheotherguys,"Listen,doyoureallythinkHarryWaldenisagenius?Hejustsitsaroundinhisprettyclothesanddoesn'tsayanything.Whatdoesthatprove?Wecouldalldothat." 58Theydidn'tanswerme.Icouldn'tunderstandtheirfeelingsaboutthisfuckingguy.Anditgotworse.WordgotoutthatHarryWaldenwasgoingtoseeMissGrediseverynight,thathewasherfavoritepupil,andthattheyweremakinglove.Itmademesick.Icouldjustimaginehimgettingoutofhisdelicategreenandblueoutfit,foldingitacrossachair,thenclimbingoutofhisorangesatinshortsandslidingunderthesheetswhereMissGrediscuddledhiscurlygoldenheadonhershoulderandfondleditandotherthingsaswell.Itwaswhisperedaboutbythegirlswhoalwaysseemedtoknoweverything.Andeventhoughthegirlsdidn'tparticularlylikeMissGredis,theythoughtthesituationwasallright,thatitwasreasonablebecauseHarryWaldenwassuchadelicategeniusandneededallthesympathyhecouldget.IcaughtHarryWaldeninthehallonemoretime."I'llkickyourass,youson-of-a-bitch,youdon'tfoolme!"HarryWaldenlookedatme.Thenhelookedovermyshoulderandpointedandsaid,"What'sthatoverthere?"Ilookedaround.WhenIlookedbackhewasgone.Hewassittingintheclasssafelysurroundedbyallthegirlswhothoughthewasageniusandwholovedhim.TherewasmoreandmorewhisperingaboutHarryWaldengoingovertoMissGredis'houseatnightandsomedaysHarrywouldn'tevenbeinclass.ThosewerethebestdaysformebecauseIonlyhadtodealwiththethumpingandnotthegoldencurlsandtheadorationforthatkindofstuffbyallthelittlegirlswiththeirskirtsandsweatersandstarchedginghamdresses.WhenHarrywasn'ttherethelittlegirlswouldwhisper,"He'sjusttoosensitive..."AndRedKirkpatrickwouldsay,"She'sfuckinghimtodeath."OneafternoonIwalkedintoclassandHarryWalden'sseatwasempty.Ifiguredhewasjustfucking-offasusual.Thentheworddriftedfromdesktodesk.Iwasalwaysthelasttoknowanything.Itfinallygottome:HarryWaldenhadcommittedsuicide.Thenightbefore.MissGredisdidn'tknowyet.Ilookedoverathisseat.He'dneversitthereagain.Allthosecolorfulclothesshottohell.MissGredisfinishedrollcall.Shecameandsatonthefrontdesk,crossedherlegshigh.Shehadonalightershadeofsilkhosethaneverbefore.Herskirtwashikedwaybacktoherthighs."OurAmericanculture,"shesaid,"isdestinedforgreatness.TheEnglishlanguage,nowsolimitedandstructured,willbereinventedandimprovedupon.OurwriterswillusewhatIliketothinkof,inmymind,asAmericanese..."MissGredis'stockingswerealmostskin-colored.Itwasasifshewerenotwearingstockingsatall,itwasasifshewerenakedthereinfrontofus,butsinceshewasn'tandonlyappearedtobe,thatmadeitbetterthanever."Moreandmorewewilldiscoverourowntruthsandourownwayofspeaking,andthisnewvoicewillbeunclutteredbyoldhistories,oldmores,olddeadanduselessdreams...""Thump,thump,thump..." 5925CurlyWagnerpickedoutMorrisMoscowitz.Itwasafterschoolandeightortenofusguyshadheardaboutitandwewalkedoutbehindthegymtowatch.Wagnerlaiddowntherules,"Wefightuntilsomebodyhollersquit.""0.K.withme,"saidMorris.Morriswasatallthinguy,hewasalittlebitdumbandheneversaidmuchorbotheredanybody.Wagnerlookedoveratme."AndafterIfinishwiththisguy,I'mtakingyouon!""Me,coach?""Yeah,you,Chinaski."Isneeredathim."I'mgoingtogetsomegod-damnedrespectfromyouguysifIhavetowhipallofyouonebyone!"Wagnerwascocky.Hewasalwaysworkingoutontheparallelbarsortumblingonthematortakinglapsaroundthetrack.Heswaggeredwhenhewalkedbuthestillhadhispotbelly.Helikedtostandandstareataguyforalongtimelikehewasshit.Ididn'tknowwhatwasbotheringhim.Weworriedhim.Ibelievehethoughtwewerefuckingallthegirlslikecrazyandhedidn'tliketothinkaboutthat.Theysquaredoff.Wagnerhadsomegoodmoves.Hebobbed,heweaved,heshuffledhisfeet,hemovedinandout,andhemadelittlehissingsounds.Hewasimpressive.HecaughtMoscowitzwiththreestraightleftjabs.Moscowitzjuststoodtherewithhishandsathissides.Hedidn'tknowanythingaboutboxing.ThenWagnercrackedMoscowitzwitharighttothejaw."Shit!"saidMorrisandhethrewaroundhouserightwhichWagnerducked.WagnercounteredwitharightandlefttoMoscowitz'face.Morrishadabloodynose."Shit!"hesaidandthenhestartedswinging.Andlanding.Youcouldheartheshots,theycrackedagainstWagner'shead.Wagnertriedtocounterbuthispunchesjustdidn'thavetheforceandthefuryofMoscowitz'."Holyshit!Gethim,Morrie!"Moscowitzwasapuncher.Hedugalefttothatpotbelly.Wagnergaspedanddropped.Hefelltobothknees.Hisfacewascutandbleeding.Hischinwasonhischestandhelookedsick."Iquit,"Wagnersaid.WelefthimtherebehindthebuildingandwefollowedMorrisMoscowitzoutofthere.Hewasournewhero."Shit,Morrie,yououghttoturnpro!""Naw,I'monlythirteenyearsold."Wewalkedoverbehindthemachineshopandstoodaroundthesteps.Somebodylitupsomecigarettesandwepassedthemaround."Whathasthatmangotagainstus?"askedMorrie."Hell,Morrie,don'tyouknow?He'sjealous.Hethinkswe'refuckingallthechicks!""Why,I'veneverevenkissedagirl.""Noshit,Morrie?""Noshit.""Yououghttotrydry-fucking,Morrie,it'sgreat!"ThenwesawWagnerwalkingpast.Hewasworkingonhisfacewithhishandkerchief."Hey,coach,"yelledoneoftheguys,"howaboutarematch?"Hestoodandlookedatus."Youboysputoutthosecigarettes!""Ah,no,coach,weliketosmoke!""Comeonoverhere,coach,andmakeusputoutourcigarettes!""Yeah,comeon,coach!"Wagnerstoodlookingatus."I'mnotdonewithyouyet!I'llgeteveryoneofyou,onewayortheother!""Howyagonnadothat,coach?Yourtalentsseemlimited.""Yeah,coach,howyagonnadoit?"Hewalkedoffthefieldtohiscar.Ifeltalittlesorryforhim.Whenaguywasthatnastyheshouldbeabletobackitup. 60"Iguesshedoesn'tthinkthere'llbeavirginonthegroundsbythetimewegraduate,"saidoneoftheguys."Ithink,"saidanotherguy,"thatsomebodyjacked-offintohisearandhehascomeforbrains."Weleftafterthat.Ithadbeenafairlygoodday. 6126Mymotherwenttoherlow-payingjobeachmorningandmyfather,whodidn'thaveajob,lefteachmorningtoo.Althoughmostoftheneighborswereunemployedhedidn'twantthemtothinkhewasjobless.Sohegotintohiscareachmorningatthesametimeanddroveoffasifheweregoingtowork.Thenintheeveninghewouldreturnatexactlythesametime.ItwasgoodformebecauseIhadtheplacetomyself.TheylockedthehousebutIknewhowtogetin.Iwouldunhookthescreendoorwithapieceofcardboard.Theylockedtheporchdoorwithakeyfromtheinside.Islidanewspaperunderthedoorandpokedthekeyout.ThenIpulledthenewspaperfromunderthedoorandthekeycamewithit.Iwouldunlockthedoorandgoin.WhenIleftIwouldhookthescreendoor,lockthebackporchdoorfromtheinside,leavingthekeyin.ThenIwouldleavethroughthefrontdoor,puttingthelatchonlock.Ilikedbeingalone.OnedayIwasplayingoneofmygames.TherewasaclockonthemantlewithasecondhandandIheldconteststoseehowlongIcouldholdmybreath.EachtimeIdiditIexceededmyownrecord.IwentthroughmuchagonybutIwasproudeachtimeIaddedsomesecondstomyrecord.ThisdayIaddedafullfivesecondsandIwasstandinggettingmybreathbackwhenIwalkedtothefrontwindow.Itwasalargewindowcoveredbyreddrapes.TherewasacrackbetweenthedrapesandIlookedout.JesusChrist!OurwindowwasdirectlyacrossfromthefrontporchoftheAndersons'house.Mrs.Andersonwassittingonthesteps,andIcouldlookrightupherdress.Shewasabout23andhadmarvelouslyshapedlegs.Icouldseealmostallthewayupherdress.ThenIremembermyfather'sarmybinoculars.Theywereonthetopshelfofhiscloset.Iranandgotthem,ranback,croucheddownandadjustedthemtoMrs.Anderson'slegs.Ittookmerightupthere!AnditwasdifferentfromlookingatMissGredis'legs:youdidn'thavetopretendyouweren'tlooking.Youcouldconcentrate.AndIdid.Iwasrightthere.Iwasredhot.JesusChrist,whatlegs,whatflanks!Andeachtimeshemoved,itwasunbearableandunbelievable.IgotdownonmykneesandIheldthebinocularswithonehandandpulledmycockoutwiththeother.Ispitinmypalmandbegan.ForamomentIthoughtIsawaflashofpanties.Iwasabouttocome.Istopped.IkeptlookingwiththebinocsandthenIstartedrubbingagain.WhenIwasabouttocomeIstoppedagain.ThenIwaitedandbeganrubbingagain.ThistimeIknewIwouldn'tbeabletostop.Shewasrightthere.Iwaslookingrightupher!Itwaslikefucking.Icame.Ispurtedalloverthehardwoodfloorinfrontofthewindow.Itwaswhiteandthick.Igotupandwenttothebathroomandgotsometoiletpaper,camebackandwipeditup.Itookitbacktothetoiletandflusheditaway.Mrs.AndersoncameandsatonthosestepsalmosteverydayandeachtimeshedidIgotthebinocsandwhacked-off.IfMr.Andersoneverfindsoutaboutthis,Ithought,he'llkillme...MyparentswenttothemovieseveryWednesdaynight.Thetheatrehaddrawingsformoneyandtheywantedtowinsomemoney.ItwasonaWednesdaynightthatIdiscoveredsomething.ThePirozzislivedinthehousesouthofours.Ourdrivewayranalongthenorthsideoftheirhouseandtherewasawindowwhichlookedintotheirfrontroom.Thewindowwasveiledbyathincurtain.Therewasawallwhichbecameanarchoverthefrontofourdrivewayandtherewerebushesallabout.WhenIgotbetweenthatwallandthewindow,inamongallthosebushes,nobodycouldseemefromthestreet,especiallyatnight.Icrawledinthere.Itwasgreat,betterthanIexpected.Mrs.Pirozziwassittingonthecouchreadinganewspaper.Herlegswerecrossed,andinaneasychairacrosstheroom,Mr.Pirozziwas 62readinganewspaper.Mrs.PirozziwasnotasyoungasMissGredisorMrs.Anderson,butshehadgoodlegsandshehadonhighheelsandalmosteverytimesheturnedapageofhernewspaper,she'dcrossherlegsandherskirtwouldclimbhigherandIwouldseemore.Ifmyparentscomehomefromthemovieandcatchmehere,Ithought,thenmylifeisover.Butit'sworthit.It'sworththerisk.IstayedveryquietbehindthewindowandstaredatMrs.Pirozzi'slegs.Theyhadalargecollie,Jeff,whowasasleepinfrontofthedoor.IhadlookedatMissGredis'legsthatdayinEnglishclass,thenIhadwhacked-offtoMrs.Anderson'slegs,andnow-therewasmore.Whydidn'tMr.PirozzilookatMrs.Pirozzi'slegs?Hejustkeptreadinghisnewspaper.ItwasobviousthatMrs.Pirozziwastryingtoteasehimbecauseherskirtkeptclimbinghigherandhigher.Thensheturnedapageandcrossedherlegsveryfastandherskirtflippedbackexposingherpurewhitethighs.Shewasjustlikebuttermilk!Unbelievable!Shewasbestofall!ThenfromthecornerofmyeyeIsawMr.Pirozzi'slegsmove.Hestoodupveryquicklyandmovedtowardthefrontdoor.Istartedrunning,crashingthroughthebushes.Iheardhimopenhisfrontdoor.Iwasdownthedrivewayandintoourbackyardandbehindthegarage.Istoodamoment,listening.ThenIclimbedthebackfence,overthevinesandonoverintothenextbackyard.IranthroughthatyardandupthedrivewayandIbegandog-trottingsouthdownthestreetlikeaguypracticingfortrack.TherewasnobodybehindmebutIkepttrotting.Ifheknowsitwasme,ifhetellsmyfather,I'mdead.Butmaybehejustletthedogouttotakeashit?ItrotteddowntoWestAdamsBoulevardandsatonastreetcarbench.Isattherefiveminutesorso,thenIwalkedbackhome.WhenIgotthere,myparentsweren'tbackyet.Iwentinside,undressed,turnedoutthelightsandwaitedformorning...AnotherWednesdaynightBaldyandIweretakingourusualshortcutbetweentwoapartmenthouses.Wewereonourwaytohisfather'swinecellarwhenBaldystoppedatawindow.Theshadewasalmostdownbutnotquite.Baldystopped,bent,andpeekedinside.Hewavedmeover."Whatisit?"Iwhispered."Look!"Therewasamanandawomaninbed,naked.Therewasjustabedsheetpartlyoverthem.Themanwastryingtokissthewomanandshewaspushinghimaway."Goddamnit,letmehaveit,Marie!""No!""ButI'mhot,please.""Takeyourgod-damnedhandsoffme!""But,Marie,Iloveyou!""Youandyourfuckinglove...""Marie,please.""Willyoushutup?"Themanturnedtowardthewall.Thewomanpickedupamagazine,bunchedapillowbehindherhead,andbeganreadingit.BaldyandIwalkedawayfromthewindow,"Jesus,"saidBaldy,"thatmademesick!""Ithoughtweweregoingtoseesomething,"Isaid.WhenwegottothewinecellarBaldy'soldmanhadputabigpadlockonthecellardoor.Wetriedthatwindowagainandagainbutweneveractuallysawanythinghappen.Itwasalwaysthesame."Marie,it'sbeenalongtime.We'relivingtogether,youknow.We'remarried!""Bigfuckingdeal" 63"Justthisonce,Marie,andIwon'tbotheryouagain,Iwon'tbotheryouforalongtime,Ipromise!""Shutup!Youmakemesick!"BaldyandIwalkedaway."Shit,"Isaid."Shit,"hesaid."Idon'tthinkhe'sgotacock,"Isaid."Hemightaswellnothave,"saidBaldy.Westoppedgoingbackthere. 6427Wagnerwasn'tdonewithus.Iwasstandingintheyardduringgymclasswhenhewalkeduptome."Whatareyoudoing,Chinaski?""Nothing.""Nothing?"Ididn'tanswer."Howcomeyou'renotinanyofthegames?""Shit.That'skidstuff.""I'mputtingyouongarbagedetailuntilfurthernotice.""Whatfor?What'sthecharge?""Loitering.50demerits."Thekidshadtoworkofftheirdemeritsongarbagedetail.Ifyouhadmorethantendemeritsanddidn'tworkthemoff,youcouldn'tgraduate.Ididn'tcarewhetherIgraduatedornot.Thatwastheirproblem.Icouldjuststayaroundgettingolderandolderandbiggerandbigger.I'dgetallthegirls."50demerits?"Iasked."Isthatallyou'regoingtogiveme?Howaboutahundred?""O.K.,onehundred.Yougot'em."Wagnerswaggeredoff.PeterMangalorehad500demerits.NowIwasinsecondplace,andgaining...Thefirstgarbagedetailwasduringthelastthirtyminutesoflunch.ThenextdayIwascarryingagarbagecanwithPeterMangalore.Itwassimple.Weeachhadastickwithasharpnailontheendofit.Wepickeduppaperswiththestickandstuckthemintothecan.Thegirlswatchedusaswewalkedby.Theyknewwewerebad.PeterlookedboredandIlookedlikeIdidn'tgiveadamn.Thegirlsknewwewerebad."YouknowLillyFischman?"Peteaskedaswewalkedalong."Oh,yes,yes.""Well,she'snotavirgin.""Howdoyouknow?""Shetoldme.""Whogother?""Herfather.""Hmmm...Wellyoucan'tblamehim.""Lilly'sheardI'vegotabigcock.""Yeah,it'salloverschool.""Well,Lillywantsit.Sheclaimsshecanhandleit.""You'llriphertopieces.""Yeah,Iwill.Anyhow,shewantsit."Weputthegarbagecandownandstaredatsomegirlswhoweresittingonabench.Petewalkedtowardthebench.Istoodthere.Hewalkeduptooneofthegirlsandwhisperedsomethinginherear.Shestartedgiggling.Petewalkedbacktothegarbagecan.Wepickeditupandwalkedaway."So,"saidPete,"thisafternoonat4p.m.I'mgoingtoripLillytopieces.""Yeah?""Youknowthatbroken-downcaratthebackoftheschoolthatPopFarnsworthtooktheengineoutof?""Yeah.""Well,beforetheyhaulthatson-of-a-bitchaway,that'sgoingtobemybedroom.I'mgoingtotakeherinthebackseat.""Someguysreallylive.""I'mgettingahardjustthinkingaboutit,"saidPete."IamtooandI'mnoteventheguywho'sgoingtodoit.""There'soneproblemthough,"saidPete."Youcan'tcome?""No,it'snotthat.Ineedalook-out.Ineedsomebodytotellmethecoastisclear.""Yeah?Well,look,Icandothat.""Wouldyou?"askedPete."Sure.Butweshouldhaveonemoreguysowecanwatchinbothdirections.""Allright.Whoyougotinmind?""Baldy.""Baldy?Shit,he'snotmuch." 65"No,buthe'strustworthy.""Allright.SoI'llseeyouguysatfour.""We'llbethere."Atfourp.m.wemetPeteandLillyatthecar."Hi!"saidLilly.Shelookedhot.Petewassmokingacigarette.Helookedbored."Hello,Lilly,"Isaid."Hi,Lillybaby,"saidBaldy.Thereweresomeguysplayingagameoftouchfootballintheotherfieldbutthatonlymadeitbetter,akindofcamouflage.Lillywaswigglingaround,breathingheavily,herbreastsweremovingupanddown."Well,"saidPete,throwinghiscigaretteaway,"let'smakefriends,Lilly."Heopenedthebackdoor,bowed,andLillyclimbedin.Petegotinafterherandtookhisshoesoff,thenhispantsandhisshorts.LillylookeddownandsawPete'smeathanging."Ohmy,"shesaid,"Idon'tknow...""Comeon,baby,"saidPete,"nobodylivesforever.""Well,allright,Iguess..."Petelookedoutthewindow."Hey,areyouguyswatchingtoseeifthecoastisclear?""Yeah,Pete,"Isaid,"we'rewatching.""We'relooking,"saidBaldy.PetepulledLilly'sskirtallthewayup.Therewaswhitefleshaboveherkneesocksandyoucouldseeherpanties.Glorious.PetegrabbedLillyandkissedher.Thenhepulledaway."Youwhore!"hesaid."Talktomenice,Pete!""Youbitch-whore!"hesaidandslappedheracrosstheface,hard.Shebegansobbing."Don't,Pete,don't...""Shutup,cunt!"PetebeganpullingatLilly'spanties.Hewashavingaterribletime.Herpantiesweretightaroundherbigass.Petegaveaviolenttug,theyrippedandhepulledthepantiesdownaroundherlegsandoffoverhershoes.Hethrewthemonthefloorboard.Thenhebeganplayingwithhercunt.Heplayedwithhercuntandplayedwithhercuntandkissedheragainandagain.Thenheleanedbackagainstthecarseat.Heonlyhadhalfahard.Lillylookeddownathim."Whatareyou,aqueer?""No,it'snotthat,Lilly.It'sjustthatIdon'tthinktheseguysarewatchingtoseeifthecoastisclear.They'rewatchingus.Idon'twanttogetcaughtinhere.""Thecoastisclear,Pete,"Isaid."We'rewatching!""We'rewatching!"saidBaldy."Idon'tbelievethem,"saidPete."Allthey'rewatchingisyourcunt,Lilly.""You'rechicken!Allthatmeatandit'sonlyathalf-mast!""I'mscaredofgettingcaught,Lilly.""Iknowwhattodo,"shesaid.LillybentoverandranhertonguealongPete'scock.Shelappedhertonguearoundthemonstroushead.Thenshehaditinhermouth."Lilly...Christ,"saidPete,"Iloveyou...""Lilly,Lilly,Lilly...oh,oh,ooohooooh...""Henry!"Baldyscreamed."LOOK!"Ilooked.ItwasWagnerrunningtowardusfromacrossthefieldandalsocomingbehindhimweretheguyswhohadbeenplayingtouchfootball,plussomeofthepeoplewhohadbeenwatchingthefootballgame,boysandgirlsboth."Pete!"Iyelled,"It'sWagnercomingwith50people!""Shit!"moanedPete."Oh,shit,"saidLilly.BaldyandItookoff.Weranoutthegateandhalfwayuptheblock.Welookedbackthroughthefence.PeteandLillyneverhadachance.Wagnerranupandrippedopenthecardoorhopingforagoodlook.Thenthecarwassurroundedandwecouldn'tseeanymore...Afterthat,weneversawPeteorLillyagain.Wehadnoideawhathappenedtothem.BaldyandIeachgot1,000demeritswhichputmeintheleadoverMangalorewith1,100.TherewasnowayIcouldworkthemoff.IwasinMt.Justinforlife.Ofcourse,theyinformedourparents. 66"Let'sgo,"saidmyfather,andIwalkedintothebathroom.Hegotthestropdown."Takedownyourpantsandshorts,"hesaid.Ididn'tdoit.Hereachedinfrontofme,yankedmybeltopen,unbuttonedmeandyankedmypantsdown.Hepulleddownmyshorts.Thestroplanded.Itwasthesame,thesameexplosivesound,thesamepain."You'regoingtokillyourmother!"hescreamed.Hehitmeagain.Butthetearsweren'tcoming.-Myeyeswerestrangelydry.Ithoughtaboutkillinghim.Thattheremustbeawaytokillhim.InacoupleofyearsIcouldbeathimtodeath.ButIwantedhimnow.Hewasn'tmuchofanything.Imusthavebeenadopted.Hehitmeagain.Thepainwasstilltherebutthefearofitwasgone.Thestroplandedagain.Theroomnolongerblurred.Icouldseeeverythingclearly.Myfatherseemedtosensethedifferenceinmeandhebegantolashmeharder,againandagain,butthemorehebeatmethelessIfelt.Itwasalmostasifhewastheonewhowashelpless.Somethinghadoccurred,somethinghadchanged.Myfatherstopped,puffing,andIheardhimhangingupthestrop.Hewalkedtothedoor.Iturned."Hey,"Isaid.Myfatherturnedandlookedatme."Givemeacouplemore,"Itoldhim,"ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter.""Don'tyoudaretalktomethatway!"hesaid.Ilookedathim.Isawfoldsoffleshunderhischinandaroundhisneck.Isawsadwrinklesandcrevices.Hisfacewastiredpinkputty.Hewasinhisundershirt,andhisbellysagged,wrinklinghisundershirt.Theeyeswerenolongerfierce.Hiseyeslookedawayandcouldn'tmeetmine.Somethinghadhappened.Thebathtowelsknewit,theshowercurtainknewit,themirrorknewit,thebathtubandthetoiletknewit.Myfatherturnedandwalkedoutthedoor.Heknewit.Itwasmylastbeating.Fromhim. 6728Jr.highwentbyquicklyenough.Aboutthe8thgrade,goingintothe9th,Ibrokeoutwithacne.Manyoftheguyshaditbutnotlikemine.Minewasreallyterrible.Iwastheworstcaseintown.Ihadpimplesandboilsallovermyface,back,neck,andsomeonmychest.IthappenedjustasIwasbeginningtobeacceptedasatoughguyandaleader.Iwasstilltoughbutitwasn'tthesame.Ihadtowithdraw.Iwatchedpeoplefromafar,itwaslikeastageplay.OnlytheywereonstageandIwasanaudienceofone.I'dalwayshadtroublewiththegirlsbutwithacneitwasimpossible.Thegirlswerefurtherawaythanever.Someofthemweretrulybeautiful--theirdresses,theirhair,theireyes,thewaytheystoodaround.Justtowalkdownthestreetduringanafternoonwithone,youknow,talkingabouteverythingandanything,Ithinkthatwouldhavemademefeelverygood.Also,therewasstillsomethingaboutmethatcontinuallygotmeintotrouble.Mostteachersdidn'ttrustorlikeme,especiallytheladyteachers.Ineversaidanythingoutofthewaybuttheyclaimeditwasmy"attitude."ItwassomethingaboutthewayIsatslouchedinmyseatandmy"voicetone."Iwasusuallyaccusedof"sneering"althoughIwasn'tconsciousofit.IwasoftenmadetostandoutsideinthehallduringclassorIwassenttotheprincipal'soffice.Theprincipalalwaysdidthesamething.Hehadaphoneboothinhisoffice.Hemademestandinthephoneboothwiththedoorclosed.Ispentmanyhoursinthatphonebooth.TheonlyreadingmaterialintherewastheLadiesHomeJournal.Itwasdeliberatetorture.IreadtheLadiesHomeJournalanyhow.Igottoreadeachnewissue.IhopedthatmaybeIcouldlearnsomethingaboutwomen.Imusthavehad5,000demeritsbygraduationtimebutitdidn'tseemtomatter.Theywantedtogetridofme.Iwasstandingoutsideinthelinethatwasfilingintotheauditoriumonebyone.Weeachhadonourcheaplittlecapandgownthathadbeenpasseddownagainandagaintothenextgraduatinggroup.Wecouldheareachperson'snameastheywalkedacrossthestage.Theyweremakingonebiggod-damneddealoutofgraduatingfromJr.high.Thebandplayedourschoolsong:Oh,Mt.Justin,Oh,Mt.JustinWewillbetrue,OurheartsaresingingwildlyAllourskiesareblue...Westoodinline,eachofuswaitingtomarchacrossthestage.Intheaudiencewereourparentsandfriends."I'mabouttopuke,"saidoneoftheguys."Weonlygofromcraptomorecrap,"saidanother,Thegirlsseemedtobemoreseriousaboutit.That'swhyIdidn'treallytrustthem.Theyseemedtobepartofthewrongthings.Theyandtheschoolseemedtohavethesamesong."Thisstuffbringsmedown,"saidoneoftheguys."IwishIhadasmoke.""Hereyouare..."Anotheroftheguyshandedhimacigarette.Wepasseditaroundbetweenfourorfiveofus.Itookahitandexhaledthroughmynostrils.ThenIsawCurlyWagnerwalkingin."Ditchit!"Isaid."Herecomesvomit-head!"Wagnerwalkedrightuptome.Hewasdressedinhisgreygymsuit,includingsweatshirt,justashehadbeenthefirsttimeIsawhimandalltheothertimesafterward.Hestoodinfrontofme."Listen,"hesaid,"youthinkyou'regettingawayfrommebecauseyou'regettingoutofhere,butyou'renot!I'mgoingtofollowyoutherestofyourlife.I'mgoingtofollowyoutotheendsoftheearthandI'mgoingtogetyou!" 68Ijustglancedathimwithoutcommentandhewalkedoff.Wagner'slittlegraduationspeechonlymademethatmuchbiggerwiththeguys.TheythoughtImusthavedonesomebiggoddamnedthingtorilehim.Butitwasn'ttrue.Wagnerwasjustsimple-crazy.Wegotnearerandnearertothedoorwayoftheauditorium.Notonlycouldweheareachnamebeingannounced,andtheapplause,butwecouldseetheaudience.Thenitwasmyturn."HenryChinaski,"theprincipalsaidoverthemicrophone.AndIwalkedforward.Therewasnoapplause.Thenonekindlysoulintheaudiencegavetwoorthreeclaps.Therewererowsofseatssetuponthestageforthegraduatingclass.Wesatthereandwaited.TheprincipalgavehisspeechaboutopportunityandsuccessinAmerica.Thenitwasallover.ThebandstruckuptheMt.Justinschoolsong.Thestudentsandtheirparentsandfriendsroseandmingledtogether.Iwalkedaround,looking.Myparentsweren'tthere.Imadesure.Iwalkedaroundandgaveitagoodlook-see.Itwasjustaswell.Atoughguydidn'tneedthat.Itookoffmyancientcapandgownandhandedittotheguyattheendoftheaisle--thejanitor.Hefoldedthepiecesupforthenexttime.Iwalkedoutside.Thefirstoneout.ButwherecouldIgo?Ihadelevencentsinmypocket.IwalkedbacktowhereIlived. 6929Thatsummer,July1934,theygunneddownJohnDillingeroutsidethemoviehouseinChicago.Heneverhadachance.TheLadyinRedhadfingeredhim.Morethanayearearlierthebankshadcollapsed.ProhibitionwasrepealedandmyfatherdrankEastsidebeeragain.ButtheworstthingwasDillingergettingit.AlotofpeopleadmiredDillingeranditmadeeverybodyfeelterrible.RooseveltwasPresident.HegaveFiresideChatsovertheradioandeverybodylistened.Hecouldreallytalk.Andhebegantoenactprogramstoputpeopletowork.Butthingswerestillverybad.Andmyboilsgotworse,theywereunbelievablylarge.ThatSeptemberIwasscheduledtogotoWoodhavenHighbutmyfatherinsistedIgotoChelseyHigh."Look,"Itoldhim,"Chelseyisoutofthisdistrict.It'stoofaraway.""You'lldoasItellyou.You'llregisteratChelseyHigh."IknewwhyhewantedmetogotoChelsey.Therichkidswentthere.Myfatherwascrazy.Hestillthoughtaboutbeingrich.WhenBaldyfoundoutIwasgoingtoChelseyhedecidedtogotheretoo.Icouldn'tgetridofhimormyboils.ThefirstdaywerodeourbikestoChelseyandparkedthem.Itwasaterriblefeeling.Mostofthosekids,atleastalltheolderones,hadtheirownautomobiles,manyofthemnewconvertibles,andtheyweren'tblackordarkbluelikemostcars,theywerebrightyellow,green,orangeandred.Theguyssatinthemoutsideoftheschoolandthegirlsgatheredaroundandwentforrides.Everybodywasnicelydressed,theguysandthegirls,theyhadpulloversweaters,wristwatchesandthelatestinshoes,Theyseemedveryadultandpoisedandsuperior.AndthereIwasinmyhomemadeshirt,myoneraggedpairofpants,myrundownshoes,andIwascoveredwithboils.Theguyswiththecarsdidn'tworryaboutacne.Theywereveryhandsome,theyweretallandcleanwithbrightteethandtheydidn'twashtheirhairwithhandsoap.TheyseemedtoknowsomethingIdidn'tknow.Iwasatthebottomagain.SincealltheguyshadcarsBaldyandIwereashamedofourbicycles.Weleftthemhomeandwalkedtoschoolandback,two-and-one-halfmileseachway.Wecarriedbrownbaglunches.Butmostoftheotherstudentsdidn'teveneatintheschoolcafeteria.Theydrovetomaltshopswiththegirls,playedthejukeboxesandlaughed.TheywereontheirwaytoU.S.C.Iwasashamedofmyboils.AtChelseyyouhadachoicebetweengymandR.O.T.C.ItookR.O.T.C.becausethenIdidn'thavetowearagymsuitandnobodycouldseetheboilsonmybody.ButIhatedtheuniform.Theshirtwasmadeofwoolanditirritatedmyboils.TheuniformwaswornfromMondaytoThursday.OnFridaywewereallowedtowearregularclothes.WestudiedtheManualofArms.Itwasaboutwarfareandshitlikethat.Wehadtopassexams.Wemarchedaroundthefield.WepracticedtheManualofArms.Handlingtherifleduringvariousdrillswasbadforme.Ihadboilsonmyshoulders.SometimeswhenIslammedtherifleagainstmyshoulderaboilwouldbreakandleakthroughmyshirt.Thebloodwouldcomethroughbutbecausetheshirtwasthickandmadeofwoolthespotwasn'tobviousanddidn'tlooklikeblood.Itoldmymotherwhatwashappening.Shelinedtheshouldersofmyshirtswithwhitepatchesofcloth,butitonlyhelpedalittle.Onceanofficercamethroughoninspection.Hegrabbedtherifleoutofmyhandsandhelditup,peeringthroughthebarrel,fordustinthebore.Heslammedtheriflebackatme,thenlookedatabloodspotonmyrightshoulder."Chinaski!"hesnapped,"yourrifleisleakingoil!""Yes,sir." 70Igotthroughthetermbuttheboilsgotworseandworse.Theywereaslargeaswalnutsandcoveredmyface.Iwasveryashamed.SometimesathomeIwouldstandbeforethebathroommirrorandbreakoneoftheboils.Yellowpuswouldspurtandsplatteronthemirror.Andlittlewhitehardpits.Inahorriblewayitwasfascinatingthatallthatstuffwasinthere.ButIknewhowharditwasforotherpeopletolookatme.Theschoolmusthaveadvisedmyfather.AttheendofthattermIwaswithdrawnfromschool.Iwenttobedandmyparentscoveredmewithointments.Therewasabrownsalvethatstank.Myfatherpreferredthatoneforme.Itburned.HeinsistedthatIkeepitonlonger,muchlongerthantheinstructionsadvised.OnenightheinsistedthatIleaveitonforhours.Ibeganscreaming.Irantothetub,filleditwithwaterandwashedthesalveoff,withdifficulty.Iwasburned,onmyface,mybackandchest.ThatnightIsatontheedgeofthebed.Icouldn'tlaydown.Myfathercameintotheroom."IthoughtItoldyoutoleavethatstuffon!""Lookwhathappened,"Itoldhim.Mymothercameintotheroom."Theson-of-a-bitchdoesn'twanttogetwell,"myfathertoldher."WhydidIhavetohaveasonlikethis?"Mymotherlostherjob.Myfatherkeptleavinginhiscareverymorningasifheweregoingtowork."I'manengineer,"hetoldpeople.Hehadalwayswantedtobeanengineer.ItwasarrangedformetogototheL.A.CountyGeneralHospital.Iwasgivenalongwhitecard.Itookthewhitecardandgotonthe#7streetcar.Thefarewassevencentsforfourtokensforaquarter).Idroppedinmytokenandwalkedtothebackofthestreetcar.Ihadan8:30a.m.appointment.Afewblockslaterayoungboyandawomangotonthestreetcar.Thewomanwasfatandtheboywasaboutfouryearsold.Theysatintheseatbehindme.Ilookedoutthewindow.Werolledalong.Ilikedthat#7streetcar.Itwentreallyfastandrockedbackandforthasthesunshoneoutside."Mommy,"Iheardtheyoungboysay,"What'swrongwiththatman'sface?"Thewomandidn'tanswer.Theboyaskedherthesamequestionagain.Shedidn'tanswer.Thentheboyscreameditout,"Mommy!What'swrongwiththatman'sface?""Shutup!Idon'tknowwhat'swrongwithhisface!"IwenttoAdmissionsatthehospitalandtheyinstructedmetoreporttothefourthfloor.Therethenurseatthedesktookmynameandtoldmetobeseated.Wesatintwolongrowsofgreenmetalchairsfacingoneanother.Mexicans,whitesandblacks.TherewerenoOrientals.Therewasnothingtoread.Someofthepatientshadday-oldnewspapers.Thepeoplewereofallages,thinandfat,shortandtall,oldandyoung.Nobodytalked.Everybodyseemedverytired.Orderlieswalkedbackandforth,sometimesyousawanurse,butneveradoctor.Anhourwentby,twohours.Nobody'snamewascalled.Igotuptolookforawaterfountain.Ilookedinthelittleroomswherepeopleweretobeexamined.Therewasn'tanybodyinanyoftherooms,neitherdoctorsorpatients.Iwenttothedesk.Thenursewasstaringdownintoabigfatbookwithnameswritteninit.Thephonerang.Sheansweredit."Dr.Menenisn'thereyet."Shehungup."Pardonme,"Isaid."Yes?"thenurseasked."Thedoctorsaren'thereyet.CanIcomebacklater?""No.""Butthere'snobodyhere.""Thedoctorsareoncall." 71"ButIhavean8:30appointment.""Everybodyherehasan8:30appointment."Therewere45or50peoplewaiting."SinceI'monthewaitinglist,supposeIcomebackinacoupleofhours,maybetherewillbesomedoctorsherethen.""Ifyouleavenow,youwillautomaticallyloseyourappointment.Youwillhavetoreturntomorrowifyoustillwishtreatment."Iwalkedbackandsatinachair.Theothersdidn'tprotest.Therewasverylittlemovement.Sometimestwoorthreenurseswouldwalkbylaughing.Oncetheypushedamanpastinawheelchair.Bothofhislegswereheavilybandagedandhisearonthesideofhisheadtowardmehadbeenslicedoff.Therewasablackholedividedintolittlesections,anditlookedlikeaspiderhadgoneinthereandmadeaspiderweb.Hourspassed.Nooncameandwent.Anotherhour.Twohours.Wesatandwaited.Thensomebodysaid,"There'sadoctor!"Thedoctorwalkedintooneoftheexaminationroomsandclosedthedoor.Weallwatched.Nothing.Anursewentin.Weheardherlaughing.Thenshewalkedout.Fiveminutes.Tenminutes.Thedoctorwalkedoutwithaclipboardinhishand."Martinez?"thedoctorasked."JoseMartinez?"AnoldthinMexicanmanstoodupandbeganwalkingtowardthedoctor."Martinez?Martinez,oldboy,howareyou?""Sick,doctor...IthinkIdie...""Well,now...Stepinhere..."Martinezwasintherealongtime.Ipickedupadiscardednewspaperandtriedtoreadit.ButwewereallthinkingaboutMartinez.IfMartinezevergotoutofthere,someonewouldbenext.ThenMartinezscreamed."AHHHHH!AHHHHH!STOP!STOP!AHHHH!MERCY!GOD!PLEASE,STOP!""Now,now,thatdoesn'thurt..."saidthedoctor.Martinezscreamedagain.Anurseranintotheexaminationroom.Therewassilence.Allwecouldseewastheblackshadowofthehalf-opendoorway.Thenanorderlyranintotheexaminationroom.Martinezmadeagurglingsound.Hewastakenoutofthereonarollingstretcher.Thenurseandtheorderlypushedhimdownthehallandthroughsomeswingingdoors.Martinezwasunderasheetbuthewasn'tdeadbecausethesheetwasn'tpulledoverhisface.Thedoctorstayedintheexaminationroomforanothertenminutes.Thenhecameoutwiththeclipboard."JeffersonWilliams?"heasked.Therewasnoanswer."IsJeffersonWilliamshere?"Therewasnoresponse."MaryBlackthorne?"Therewasnoanswer."HarryLewis?""Yes,doctor?""Stepforward,please..."Itwasveryslow.Thedoctorsawfivemorepatients.Thenhelefttheexaminationroom,stoppedatthedesk,litacigaretteandtalkedtothenurseforfifteenminutes.Helookedlikeaveryintelligentman.Hehadatwitchontherightsideofhisface,whichkeptjumping,andhehadredhairwithstreaksofgrey.Heworeglassesandkepttakingthemoffandputtingthembackon.Anothernursecameinandgavehimacupofcoffee.Hetookasip,thenholdingthecoffeeinonehandhepushedtheswingingdoorsopenwiththeotherandwasgone.Theofficenursecameoutfrombehindthedeskwithourlongwhitecardsandshecalledournames.Asweanswered,shehandedeachofusourcardback."Thiswardisclosedfortheday.Pleasereturntomorrowifyouwish.Yourappointmenttimeisstampedonyourcard." 72Ilookeddownatmycard.Itwasstamped8:30a.m. 7330Igotluckythenextday.Theycalledmyname.Itwasadifferentdoctor.Istrippeddown.Heturnedahotwhitelightonmeandlookedmeover.Iwassittingontheedgeoftheexaminationtable."Hmmm,hmmmm,"hesaid,"uhhuh..."Isatthere."Howlonghaveyouhadthis?""Acoupleofyears.Itkeepsgettingworseandworse.""Ahhah."Hekeptlooking."Now,youjuststretchoutthereonyourstomach.I'llberightback."Somemomentspassedandsuddenlythereweremanypeopleintheroom.Theywerealldoctors.Atleasttheylookedandtalkedlikedoctors.Wherehadtheycomefrom?IhadthoughttherewerehardlyanydoctorsatL.A.CountyGeneralHospital."Acnevulgaris.TheworstcaseI'veseeninallmyyearsofpractice!""Fantastic!""Incredible!""Lookattheface!""Theneck!""Ijustfinishedexaminingayounggirlwithacnevulgaris.Herbackwascovered.Shecried.Shetoldme,'HowwillIevergetaman?Mybackwillbescarredforever.Iwanttokillmyself!'Andnowlookatthisfellow!Ifshecouldseehim,she'dknowthatshereallyhadnothingtocomplainabout!"Youdumbfuck,Ithought,don'tyourealizethatIcanhearwhatyou'resaying?Howdidamangettobeadoctor?Didtheytakeanybody?"Isheasleep?""Why?""Heseemsverycalm.""No,Idon'tthinkhe'sasleep.Areyouasleep,myboy?""Yes."Theykeptmovingthehotwhitelightaboutonvariouspartsofmybody."Turnover."Iturnedover."Look,there'salesioninsideofhismouth!""Well,howwillwetreatit?""Theelectricneedle,Ithink..."Yes,ofcourse,theelectricneedle.""Yes,theneedle."Itwasdecided. 7431ThenextdayIsatinthehallinmygreentinchair,waitingtobecalled.Acrossfrommesatamanwhohadsomethingwrongwithhisnose.Itwasveryredandveryrawandveryfatandlonganditwasgrowinguponitself.Youcouldseewheresectionhadgrownuponsection.Somethinghadirritatedtheman'snoseandithadjuststartedgrowing.Ilookedatthenoseandthentriednottolook.Ididn'twantthemantoseemelooking,Iknewhowhefelt.Butthemanseemedverycomfortable.Hewasfatandsattherealmostasleep.Theycalledhimfirst:"Mr.Sleeth?"Hemovedforwardabitinhischair."Sleeth?RichardSleeth?""Uh?Yes,I'mhere..."Hestoodupandmovedtowardthedoctor."Howareyoutoday,Mr.Sleeth?""Fine...I'mallright..."Hefollowedthedoctorintotheexaminationroom.Igotmycallanhourlater.Ifollowedthedoctorthroughsomeswingingdoorsandintoanotherroom.Itwaslargerthantheexaminationroom.Iwastoldtodisrobeandtositonatable.Thedoctorlookedatme."Youreallyhaveacasethere,haven'tyou?""Yeah."Hepokedataboilonmyback."Thathurt?""Yeah.""Well,"hesaid,"we'regoingtotrytogetsomedrainage."Iheardhimturnonthemachinery.Itmadeawhirringsound.Icouldsmelloilgettinghot."Ready?"heasked."Yeah."Hepushedtheelectricneedleintomyback.Iwasbeingdrilled.Thepainwasimmense.Itfilledtheroom.Ifeltthebloodrundownmyback.Thenhepulledtheneedleout."Nowwe'regoingtogetanotherone,"saidthedoctor.Hejammedtheneedleintome.Thenhepulleditoutandjammeditintoathirdboil.Twoothermenhadwalkedinandwerestandingtherewatching.Theywereprobablydoctors.Theneedlewentintomeagain."Ineversawanybodygoundertheneedlelikethat,"saidoneofthemen."Hegivesnosignatall,"saidtheotherman."Whydon'tyouguysgooutandpinchsomenurse'sass?"Iaskedthem."Look,son,youcan'ttalktouslikethat!"Theneedledugintome.Ididn'tanswer."Theboyisevidentlyverybitter...""Yes,ofcourse,that'sit."Themenwalkedout."Thosearefineprofessionalmen,"saidmydoctor."It'snotgoodofyoutoabusethem.""Justgoaheadanddrill,"Itoldhim.Hedid.Theneedlegotveryhotbuthewentonandon.Hedrilledmyentireback,thenhegotmychest.ThenIstretchedoutandhedrilledmyneckandmyface.Anursecameinandshegotherinstructions."Now,MissAckerman,Iwantthese...pustules...thoroughlydrained.Andwhenyougettotheblood,keepsqueezing.Iwantthoroughdrainage.""Yes,Dr.Grundy.""Andafterwards,theultra-violetraymachine.Twominutesoneachsidetobeginwith...""Yes,Dr.Grundy."IfollowedMissAckermanintoanotherroom.Shetoldmetolaydownonthetable.Shegotatissueandstartedonthefirstboil."Doesthishurt?""It'sallright.""Youpoorboy...""Don'tworry.I'mjustsorryyouhavetodothis.""Youpoorboy..." 75MissAckermanwasthefirstpersontogivemeanysympathy.Itfeltstrange.Shewasachubbylittlenurseinherearlythirties."Areyougoingtoschool?"sheasked."No,theyhadtotakemeout."MissAckermankeptsqueezingasshetalked."Whatdoyoudoallday?""Ijuststayinbed.""That'sawful.""No,it'snice.Ilikeit.""Doesthishurt?""Goahead.It'sallright.""What'ssoniceaboutlayinginbedallday?""Idon'thavetoseeanybody.""Youlikethat?""Oh,yes.""Whatdoyoudoallday?""SomeofthedayIlistentotheradio.""Whatdoyoulistento?""Music.Andpeopletalking.""Doyouthinkofgirls?""Sure.Butthat'sout.""Youdon'twanttothinkthatway.""Imakechartsofairplanesgoingoverhead.Theycomeoveratthesametimeeachday.Ihavethemtimed.SaythatIknowthatoneofthemisgoingtopassoverat11:15a.m.Around11:10,Istartlisteningforthesoundofthemotor.Itrytohearthefirstsound.SometimesIimagineIhearitandsometimesI'mnotsureandthenIbegintohearit,'wayoff,forsure.Andthesoundgetsstronger.Thenat11:15a.m.itpassesoverheadandthesoundisasloudasit'sgoingtoget.""Youdothateveryday?""NotwhenI'mhere.""Turnover,"saidMissAckerman.Idid.Theninthewardnexttousamanstartedscreaming.Wewerenexttothedisturbedward.Hewasreallyloud."Whataretheydoingtohim?"IaskedMissAckerman."He'sintheshower.""Anditmakeshimscreamlikethat?""Yes.""I'mworseoffthanheis.""No,you'renot."IlikedMissAckerman.Isneakedalookather.Herfacewasround,shewasn'tveryprettybutsheworehernurse'scapinaperkymannerandshehadlargedarkbrowneyes.Itwastheeyes.AssheballedupsometissuetothrowintothedispenserIwatchedherwalk.Well,shewasnoMissGredis,andIhadseenmanyotherwomenwithbetterfigures,buttherewassomethingwarmabouther.Shewasn'tconstantlythinkingaboutbeingawoman."AssoonasIfinishyourface,"shesaid,"Iwillputyouundertheultra-violetraymachine.Yournextappointmentwillbethedayaftertomorrowat8:30a.m."Wedidn'ttalkanymoreafterthat.Thenshewasfinished.IputongogglesandMissAckermanturnedontheultra-violetraymachine.Therewasatickingsound.Itwaspeaceful.Itmighthavebeentheautomatictimer,orthemetalreflectoronthelampheatingup.Itwascomfortingandrelaxing,butwhenIbegantothinkaboutit,Idecidedthateverythingthattheyweredoingformewasuseless.Ifiguredthatatbesttheneedle 76wouldleavescarsonmefortheremainderofmylife.Thatwasbadenoughbutitwasn'twhatIreallyminded.WhatImindedwasthattheydidn'tknowhowtodealwithme.Isensedthisintheirdiscussionsandintheirmanner.Theywerehesitant,uneasy,yetalsosomehowdisinterestedandbored.Finallyitdidn'tmatterwhattheydid.Theyjusthadtodosomething--anything--becausetodonothingwouldbeunprofessional.Theyexperimentedonthepoorandifthatworkedtheyusedthetreatmentontherich.Andifitdidn'twork,therewouldstillbemorepoorleftovertoexperimentupon.Themachinesignaleditswarningthattwominuteswereup.MissAckermancamein,toldmetoturnover,re-setthemachine,thenleft.ShewasthekindestpersonIhadmetineightyears. 7732Thedrillingandsqueezingcontinuedforweeksbuttherewaslittleresult.Whenoneboilvanishedanotherwouldappear.Ioftenstoodinfrontofthemirroralone,wonderinghowuglyapersoncouldget.Iwouldlookatmyfaceindisbelief,thenturntoexaminealltheboilsonmyback.Iwashorrified.Nowonderpeoplestared,nowondertheysaidunkindthings.Itwasnotsimplyacaseofteen-ageacne.Thesewereinflamed,relentless,large,swollenboilsfilledwithpus.Ifeltsingledout,asifIhadbeenselectedtobethisway.Myparentsneverspoketomeaboutmycondition.Theywerestillonrelief.Mymotherlefteachmorningtolookforworkandmy.fatherdroveoffasifhewereworking.OnSaturdayspeopleonreliefgotfreefoodstuffsfromthemarkets,mostlycannedgoods,almostalwayscansofhashforsomereason.Weateagreatdealofhash.Andbolognasandwiches.Andpotatoes.Mymotherlearnedtomakepotatopancakes.EachSaturdaywhenmyparentswentfortheirfreefoodtheydidn'tgotothenearestmarketbecausetheywereafraidsomeoftheneighborsmightseethemandthenknowthattheywereonthedole.SotheywalkedtwomilesdownWashingtonBoulevard,toastoreacoupleofblockspastCrenshaw.Itwasalongwalk.Theywalkedthetwomilesback,sweating,carryingtheirshoppingbagsfullofcannedhashandpotatoesandbolognaandcarrots.Myfatherdidn'tdrivebecausehewantedtosavegas.Heneededthegastodrivetoandfromhisinvisiblejob.Theotherfathersweren'tlikethat.Theyjustsatquietlyontheirfrontporchesorplayedhorseshoesinthevacantlot.Thedoctorgavemeawhitesubstancetoapplytomyface.Ithardenedandcakedontheboils,givingmeaplaster-likelook.Thesubstancedidn'tseemtohelp.Iwashomealoneoneafternoon,applyingthissubstancetomyfaceandbody.IwasstandinginmyshortstryingtoreachtheinfectedareasofmybackwithmyhandwhenIheardvoices.ItwasBaldyandhisfriendJimmyHatcher.JimmyHatcherwasagoodlookingfellowandhewasawise-ass."Henry!"IheardBaldycalling.IheardhimtalkingtoJimmy,Thenhewalkedupontheporchandbeatonthedoor."Hey,Hank,it'sBaldy!Openup!"Youdamnfool,Ithought,don'tyouunderstandthatIdon'twanttoseeanybody?"Hank!Hank!It'sBaldyandJim!"Hebeatonthefrontdoor.IheardhimtalkingtoJim."Listen,Isawhim!Isawhimwalkingaroundinthere!""Hedoesn'tanswer.""Webettergoin.Hemightbeintrouble."Youfool,Ithought,Ibefriendedyou.Ibefriendedyouwhennobodyelsecouldstandyou.Now,lookatthis!Icouldn'tbelieveit.Iranintothehallandhidinacloset,leavingthedoorslightlyopen.Iwassuretheywouldn'tcomeintothehouse.Buttheydid.Ihadleftthebackdooropen.Iheardthemwalkingaroundinthehouse."He'sgottobehere,"saidBaldy."Isawsomethingmovinginhere..."JesusChrist,Ithought,can'tImovearoundinhere?Iliveinthishouse.Iwascrouchedinthedarkcloset.IknewIcouldn'tletthemfindmeinthere.Iswungtheclosetdooropenandleapedout.Isawthembothstandinginthefrontroom.Iraninthere."GETOUTOFHERE,YOUSONS-OF-BITCHES!"Theylookedatme."GETOUTOFHERE!YOU'VEGOTNORIGHTTOBEINHERE!GETOUTOFHEREBEFOREIKILLYOU!"Theystartedrunningtowardthebackporch."GOON!GOON,ORI'LLKILLYOU!"Iheardthemrunupthedrivewayandoutontothesidewalk.Ididn'twanttowatchthem.Iwentintomybedroomandstretchedoutonthebed.Whydidtheywanttoseeme?Whatcouldtheydo?Therewasnothingtobedone.Therewasnothingtotalkabout. 78Acoupleofdayslatermymotherdidn'tleavetogojobhunting,anditwasn'tmydaytogototheL.A.CountyGeneralHospital.Sowewereinthehousetogether.Ididn'tlikeit.Ilikedtheplacetomyself.IheardhermovingaboutthehouseandIstayedinmybedroom.Theboilswereworsethanever.Icheckedmyairplanechart.The1:20p.m.flightwasdue.Ibeganlistening.Hewaslate.Itwas1:20andhewasstillapproaching.AshepassedoverItimedhimasbeingthreeminuteslate.ThenIheardthedoorbellring.Iheardmymotheropenthedoor."Emily,howareyou?""Hello,Katy,howareyou?"Itwasmygrandmother,nowveryold.IheardthemtalkingbutIcouldn'tmakeoutwhattheyweresaying.Iwasthankfulforthat.TheytalkedforfiveortenminutesandthenIheardthemwalkingdownthehalltomybedroom."Iwillburyallofyou,"Iheardmygrandmothersay."Whereistheboy?"Thedooropenedandmygrandmotherandmotherstoodthere."Hello,Henry,"mygrandmothersaid."Yourgrandmotherisheretohelpyou,"mymothersaid.Mygrandmotherhadalargepurse.Shesetitdownonthedresserandpulledahugesilvercrucifixoutofit."Yourgrandmotherisheretohelpyou,Henry..."Grandmotherhadmorewartsonherthaneverbeforeandshewasfatter.Shelookedinvincible,shelookedasifshewouldneverdie.Shehadgottensooldthatitwasalmostsenselessforhertodie."Henry,"saidmymother,"turnoveronyourstomach."Iturnedoverandmygrandmotherleanedoverme.FromthecornerofmyeyeIsawherdanglingthehugecrucifixoverme.Ihaddecidedagainstreligionacoupleofyearsback.Ifitweretrue,itmadefoolsoutofpeople,oritdrewfools.Andifitweren'ttrue,thefoolswereallthemorefoolish.Butitwasmygrandmotherandmymother.Idecidedtoletthemhavetheirway.Thecrucifixswungbackandforthabovemyback,overmyboils,overme."God,"prayedmygrandmother,"purgethedevilfromthispoorboy'sbody!Justlookatallthosesores!Theymakemesick,God!Lookatthem!It'sthedevil,God,dwellinginthisboy'sbody.Purgethedevilfromhisbody,Lord!""Purgethedevilfromhisbody,Lord!"saidmymother.WhatIneedisagooddoctor,Ithought.Whatiswrongwiththesewomen?Whydon'ttheyleavemealone?"God,"saidmygrandmother,"whydoyouallowthedeviltodwellinsidethisbody'sbody?Don'tyouseehowthedevilisenjoyingthis?Lookatthesesores,0Lord,Iamabouttovomitjustlookingatthem!Theyareredandbigandfull!""Purgethedevilfrommyboy'sbody!"screamedmymother."MayGodsaveusfromthisevil!"screamedmygrandmother.Shetookthecrucifixandpokeditintothecenterofmyback,dugitin.Thebloodspurtedout,Icouldfeelit,atfirstwarm,thensuddenlycold.Iturnedoverandsatupinthebed."Whatthefuckareyoudoing?""IammakingaholeforthedeviltobepushedoutbyGod!"saidmygrandmother."Allright,"Isaid,"Iwantyoubothtogetoutofhere,andfast!Doyouunderstandme?""Heisstillpossessed!"saidmygrandmother."GETTHEFUCKINGHELLOUTOFHERE!"Iscreamed.Theyleft,shockedanddisappointed,closingthedoorbehindthem.Iwentintothebathroom,waddedupsometoiletpaperandtriedtostopthebleeding.Ipulledthetoiletpaperawayandlookedatit.Itwassoaked.Igotanewbatchoftoiletpaperandheldittomybackawhile.ThenIgottheiodine.Imadepassesatmyback,tryingtoreachthewoundwiththe 79iodine.Itwasdifficult.Ifinallygaveup.Whoeverheardofaninfectedback,anyhow?Youeitherlivedordied.Thebackwassomethingtheassholeshadneverfiguredouthowtoamputate.Iwalkedbackintothebedroomandgotintobedandpulledthecoverstomythroat.IlookedupattheceilingasItalkedtomyself.Allright,God,saythatYouarereallythere.Youhaveputmeinthisfix.Youwanttotestme.SupposeItestYou?SupposeIsaythatYouarenotthere?You'vegivenmeasupremetestwithmyparentsandwiththeseboils.IthinkthatIhavepassedYourtest.IamtougherthanYou.IfYouwillcomedownhererightnow,IwillspitintoYourface,ifYouhaveaface.AnddoYoushit?Thepriestneveransweredthatquestion.Hetoldusnottodoubt.Doubtwhat?IthinkthatYouhavebeenpickingonmetoomuchsolamaskingYoutocomedownheresoIcanputYoutothetest!Iwaited.Nothing.IwaitedforGod.Iwaitedandwaited.IbelieveIslept.Ineversleptonmyback.ButwhenIawakenedIwasonmybackanditsurprisedme.Mylegswerebentatthekneesinfrontofme,makingamountain-likeeffectwiththeblankets.AndasIlookedattheblanket-mountainbeforemeIsawtwoeyesstaringatme.Onlytheeyesweredark,black,blank...lookingatmefromunderneathahood,ablackhoodwithasharptallpeak,likeaku-klux-klansman.Theykeptstaringatme,darkblankeyes,andtherewasnothingIcoulddoaboutit.Iwastrulyterrified.Ithought,it'sGodbutGodisn'tsupposedtolooklikethat.Icouldn'tstareitdown.Icouldn'tmove.Itjuststayedtherelookingatmeoverthemoundofmykneesandtheblanket.Iwantedtogetaway.Iwantedittoleave.Itwaspowerfulandblackandthreatening.Itseemedtoremainthereforhours,juststaringatme.Thenitwasgone...Istayedinbedthinkingaboutit.Icouldn'tbelievethatithadbeenGod.Dressedlikethat.Thatwouldbeacheaptrick.Ithadbeenanillusion,ofcourse.Ithoughtaboutitfortenorfifteenminutes,thenIgotupandwenttogetthelittlebrownboxmygrandmotherhadgivenmemanyyearsago.InsideofitweretinyrollsofpaperwithquotationsfromtheBible.Eachtinyrollwasheldinacubicleofitsown.Onewassupposedtoaskaquestionandthelittlerollofpaperonepulledoutwassupposedtoanswerthatquestion.Ihadtrieditbeforeandfoundituseless.NowItrieditagain.Iaskedthebrownbox,"Whatdidthatmean?Whatdidthoseeyesmean?"Ipulledoutapaperandunrolledit.Itwasatinystiffwhitepieceofpaper.Iunrolledandreadit.GODHASFORSAKENYOU.Irolledthepaperupandstuckitbackintoitscubicleinthebrownbox.Ididn'tbelieveit.Iwentbacktobedandthoughtaboutit.Itwastoosimple,toodirect.Ididn'tbelieveit.Iconsideredmasturbatingtobringmebacktoreality.Istilldidn'tbelieveit.Igotbackupandstartedunrollingallthelittlepapersinsidethebrownbox.Iwaslookingfortheonethatsaid,GODHASFORSAKENYOU.Iunrolledthemall.Noneofthemsaidthat.Ireadthemallandnoneofthemsaidthat.Irolledthemupandputthemcarefullybackintotheircubiclesinthelittlebrownbox.Meanwhile,theboilsgotworse.Ikeptgettingontostreetcar#7andgoingtoL.A.CountyGeneralHospitalandIbegantofallinlovewithMissAckerman,mynurseofthesqueezings.Shewouldneverknowhoweachstabofpaincausedcouragetowellupinme.Despitethehorrorofthebloodandthepus,shewasalwayshumaneandkind.Mylove-feelingforherwasn'tsexual.Ijustwishedthatshewouldenfoldmeinherstarchedwhitenessandthattogetherwecouldvanishforeverfromtheworld.Butsheneverdidthat.Shewastoopractical.Shewouldonlyremindmeofmynextappointment. 8033Theultra-violetraymachineclickedoff.Ihadbeentreatedonbothsides.Itookoffthegogglesandbegantodress.MissAckermanwalkedin."Notyet,"shesaid,"keepyourclothesoff."Whatisshegoingtodotome,Ithought?"Situpontheedgeofthetable."Isatthereandshebeganrubbingsalveovermyface.Itwasathickbutterysubstance."Thedoctorshavedecidedonanewapproach.We'regoingtobandageyourfacetoeffectdrainage.""MissAckerman,whateverhappenedtothatmanwiththebignose?Thenosethatkeptgrowing?""Mr.Sleeth?""Themanwiththebignose.""ThatwasMr.Sleeth.""Idon'tseehimanymore.""Didhegetcured?""He'sdead.""Youmeanhediedfromthatbignose?""Suicide."MissAckermancontinuedtoapplythesalve.ThenIheardamanscreamfromthenextward,"Joe,whereareyou?Joe,yousaidyou'dcomeback!Joe,whereareyou?"Thevoicewasloudandsosad,soagonized."He'sdonethateveryafternoonthisweek,"saidMissAckerman,"andJoe'snotgoingtocomegethim.""Can'ttheyhelphim?""Idon'tknow.Theyallquietdown,finally.NowtakeyourfingerandholdthispadwhileIbandageyou.There.Yes.That'sit.Nowletgo.Fine.""Joe!Joe,yousaidyou'dcomeback!Whereareyou,Joe?""Now,holdyourfingeronthispad.There.Holditthere.I'mgoingtowrapyouupgood!There.NowI'llsecurethedressings."Thenshewasfinished."O.K.,putonyourclothes.Seeyouthedayaftertomorrow.Goodbye,Henry.""Goodbye,MissAckerman."Igotdressed,lefttheroomandwalkeddownthehall.Therewasamirroronacigarettemachineinthelobby.Ilookedintothemirror.Itwasgreat.Mywholeheadwasbandaged.Iwasallwhite.Nothingcouldbeseenbutmyeyes,mymouthandmyears,andsometuftsofhairstickingupatthetopofmyhead.Iwashidden.Itwaswonderful.Istoodandlitacigaretteandglancedaboutthelobby.Somein-patientsweresittingaboutreadingmagazinesandnewspapers.Ifeltveryexceptionalandabitevil,Nobodyhadanyideaofwhathadhappenedtome.Carcrash.Afighttothedeath.Amurder.Fire.Nobodyknew.IwalkedoutofthelobbyandoutofthebuildingandIstoodonthesidewalk.Icouldstillhearhim."Joe!Joe!Whereareyou,Joe!"Joewasn'tcoming.Itdidn'tpaytotrustanotherhumanbeing.Humansdidn'thaveit,whateverittook.OnthestreetcarridebackIsatinthebacksmokingcigarettesoutofmybandagedhead.PeoplestaredbutIdidn'tcare.Therewasmorefearthanhorrorintheireyesnow.IhopedIcouldstaythiswayforever.Irodetotheendofthelineandgotoff.TheafternoonwasgoingintoeveningandIstoodonthecornerofWashingtonBoulevardandWestviewAvenuewatchingthepeople.Thosefewwhohadjobswerecominghomefromwork.Myfatherwouldsoonbedrivinghomefromhisfakejob.Ididn'thaveajob,Ididn'tgotoschool.Ididn'tdoanything.Iwasbandaged,Iwasstandingonthecornersmokingacigarette.Iwasatoughman,Iwasadangerousman.Iknewthings.Sleethhadsuicided.Iwasn'tgoingtosuicide.I'dratherkillsomeofthem.I'dtakefourorfiveofthemwithme.I'dshowthemwhatitmeanttoplayaroundwithme.Awomanwalkeddownthestreettowardme.Shehadfinelegs.FirstIstaredrightintohereyesandthenIlookeddownatherlegs,andasshepassedIwatchedherass,Idrankherassin.I 81memorizedherassandtheseamsofhersilkstockings.Inevercouldhavedonethatwithoutmybandages. 8234ThenextdayinbedIgottiredofwaitingfortheairplanesandIfoundalargeyellownotebookthathadbeenmeantforhighschoolwork.Itwasempty.Ifoundapen.Iwenttobedwiththenotebookandthepen.Imadesomedrawings.Idrewwomeninhigh-heeledshoeswiththeirlegscrossedandtheirskirtspulledback.ThenIbeganwriting.ItwasaboutaGermanaviatorinWorldWar1.BaronVonHimmlen.HeflewaredFokker.Andhewasnotpopularwithhisfellowfliers.Hedidn'ttalktothem.Hedrankaloneandheflewalone.Hedidn'tbotherwithwomen,althoughtheyalllovedhim.Hewasabovethat.Hewastoobusy.HewasbusyshootingAlliedplanesoutofthesky.Alreadyhehadshotdown110andthewarwasn'tover.HisredFokker,whichhereferredtoasthe"OctoberBirdofDeath,"wasknowneverywhere.Eventheenemygroundtroopsknewhimasheoftenflewlowoverthem,takingtheirgunfireandlaughing,droppingbottlesofchampagnetothemsuspendedfromlittleparachutes.BaronVonHimmlenwasneverattackedbylessthanfiveAlliedplanesatatime.Hewasanuglymanwithscarsonhisface,buthewasbeautifulifyoulookedlongenough--itwasintheeyes,hisstyle,hiscourage,hisfiercealoneness.IwrotepagesandpagesabouttheBaron'sdogfights,howhewouldknockdownthreeorfourplanes,flyback,almostnothingleftofhisredFokker.He'dbouncedown,leapoutoftheplanewhileitwasstillrollingandheadforthebarwherehe'dgrababottleandsitatatablealone,pouringshotsandslammingthemdown.NobodydrankliketheBaron.Theothersjuststoodatthebarandwatchedhim.Onetimeoneoftheotherflierssaid,"Whatisit,Himmlen?Youthinkyou'retoogoodforus?"ItwasWillieSchmidt,thebiggest,strongestguyintheoutfit.TheBarondownedhisdrink,setdownhisglass,stoodupandslowlystartedwalkingtowardWilliewhowasstandingatthebar.Theotherfliersbackedoff."Jesus,whatareyougoingtodo?"askedWillieastheBaronadvanced.TheBaronkeptmovingslowlytowardWillie,notanswering."Jesus,Baron,Iwasjustkidding!Mother'shonor!Listentome,Baron...Baron...theenemyiselsewhere!Baron!"TheBaronletgowithhisright.Youcouldn'tseeit.ItsmashedintoWillie'sfacepropellinghimoverthetopofthebar,flippinghimovercompletely!Hecrashedintothebarmirrorlikeacannonballandthebottlestumbleddown.TheBaronpulledacigaroutandlitit,thenwalkedbacktohistable,satdownandpouredanotherdrink.Theydidn'tbothertheBaronafterthat.BehindthebartheypickedWillieup.Hisfacewasamassofblood.TheBaronshotplaneafterplaneoutofthesky.NobodyseemedtounderstandhimandnobodyknewhowhehadbecomesoskillfulwiththeredFokkerandinhisotherstrangeways.Likefighting.Orthegracefulwayhewalked.Hewentonandon.Hisluckwassometimesbad.OnedayflyingbackafterdowningthreeAlliedplanes,limpinginlowoverenemylines,hewashitbyshrapnel.Itblewoffhisrighthandatthewrist.HemanagedtobringtheredFokkerin.Fromthattimeonheflewwithanironhandinplaceofhisoriginalrighthand.Itdidn'taffecthisflying.Andthefellowsatthebarweremorecarefulthaneverwhentheytalkedtohim.ManymorethingshappenedtotheBaronafterthat.Twicehecrashedinno-man's-landandeachtimehecrawledbacktohissquadron,half-dead,throughbarbedwireandflaresandenemyfire.Manytimeshewasgivenupfordeadbyhiscomrades.Oncehewasgoneforeightdaysandtheotherflyersweresittinginthebar,talkingaboutwhatanexceptionalmanhehadbeen.Whentheylookedup,therewastheBaronstandinginthedoorway,eight-daybeard,uniformtornandmuddy,eyesredandbleary,ironhandglintinginthebarlight.Hestoodthereandhesaid,"Therebetterbesomegod-damnedwhiskeyinthisplaceorI'mtearingitapart!" 83TheBaronwentondoingmagicthings.HalfthenotebookwasfilledwithBaronVonHimmlen.ItmademefeelgoodtowriteabouttheBaron.Amanneededsomebody.Therewasn'tanybodyaround,soyouhadtomakeupsomebody,makehimuptobelikeamanshouldbe.Itwasn'tmake-believeorcheating.Theotherwaywasmake-believeandcheating:livingyourlifewithoutamanlikehimaround. 8435Thebandageswerehelpful.L.A.CountyHospitalhadfinallycomeupwithsomething.Theboilsdrained.Theydidn'tvanishbuttheyflattenedabit.Yetsomenewoneswouldappearandriseupagain.Theydrilledmeandwrappedmeagain.Mysessionswiththedrillwereendless.Thirty-two,thirty-six,thirty-eighttimes.Therewasnofearofthedrillanymore.Thereneverhadbeen.Onlyananger.Buttheangerwasgone.Therewasn'tevenresignationonmypart,onlydisgust,adisgustthatthishadhappenedtome,andadisgustwiththedoctorswhocouldn'tdoanythingaboutit.TheywerehelplessandIwashelpless,theonlydifferencebeingthatIwasthevictim.TheycouldgohometotheirlivesandforgetwhileIwasstuckwiththesameface.Buttherewerechangesinmylife.Myfatherfoundajob.HepassedanexaminationattheL.A.CountyMuseumandgotajobasaguard.Myfatherwasgoodatexams.Helovedmathandhistory.Hepassedtheexamandfinallyhadaplacetogoeachmorning.Therehadbeenthreevacanciesforguardsandhehadgottenoneofthem.L.A.CountyGeneralHospitalsomehowfoundoutandMissAckermantoldmeoneday,"Henry,thisisyourlasttreatment.I'mgoingtomissyou.""Awcomeon,"Isaid,"stopyourkidding.You'regoingtomissmelikeI'mgoingtomissthatelectricneedle!"Butshewasverystrangethatday.Thosebigeyeswerewatery.Iheardherblowhernose.Iheardoneofthenursesaskher,"Why,Janice,what'swrongwithyou?""Nothing.I'mallright."PoorMissAckerman.Iwas15yearsoldandinlovewithherandIwascoveredwithboilsandtherewasnothingthateitherofuscoulddo."Allright,"shesaid,"thisisgoingtobeyourlastultra-violetraytreatment.Layonyourstomach.""Iknowyourfirstnamenow,"Itoldher."Janice.That'saprettyname.It'sjustlikeyou.""Oh,shutup,"shesaid.Isawheronceagainwhenthefirstbuzzersounded.Iturnedover,Janicere-setthemachineandlefttheroom.Ineversawheragain.Myfatherdidn'tbelieveindoctorswhowerenotfree."Theymakeyoupissinatube,takeyourmoney,anddrivehometotheirwivesinBeverlyHills,"hesaid.Butoncehedidsendmetoone.Toadoctorwithbadbreathandaheadasroundasabasketball,onlywithtwolittleeyeswhereabasketballhadnone.Ididn'tlikemyfatherandthedoctorwasn'tanybetter.Hesaid,nofriedfoods,andtodrinkcarrotjuice.Thatwasit.Iwouldre-enterhighschoolthenextterm,saidmyfather."I'mbustingmyasstokeeppeoplefromstealing.Someniggerbroketheglassonacaseandstolesomerarecoinsyesterday.Icaughtthebastard.Werolleddownthestairwaytogether.Iheldhimuntiltheotherscame.Iriskmylifeeveryday.Whyshouldyousitaroundonyourass,moping?Iwantyoutobeanengineer.HowthehellyougonnabeanengineerwhenIfindnotebooksfullofwomenwiththeirskirtspulleduptotheirass?Isthatallyoucandraw?Whydon'tyoudrawflowersormountainsortheocean?You'regoingbacktoschool!"Idrankcarrotjuiceandwaitedtore-enroll.Ihadonlymissedoneterm.Theboilsweren'tcuredbuttheyweren'tasbadastheyhadbeen."Youknowwhatcarrotjuicecostsme?Ihavetoworkthefirsthoureverydayjustforyourgod-damnedcarrotjuice!" 85IdiscoveredtheLaCienegaPublicLibrary.Igotalibrarycard.ThelibrarywasneartheoldchurchdownonWestAdams.Itwasaverysmalllibraryandtherewasjustonelibrarianinit.Shewasclass.About38butwithpurewhitehairpulledtightlyintoabunbehindherneck.Hernosewassharpandshehaddeepgreeneyesbehindrimlessglasses.Ifeltthatshekneweverything.Iwalkedaroundthelibrarylookingforbooks.Ipulledthemofftheshelves,onebyone.Buttheywerealltricks.Theywereverydull.Therewerepagesandpagesofwordsthatdidn'tsayanything.Oriftheydidsaysomethingtheytooktoolongtosayitandbythetimetheysaidityoualreadyweretootiredtohaveitmatteratall.Itriedbookafterbook.Surely,outofallthosebooks,therewasone.EachdayIwalkeddowntothelibraryatAdamsandLaBreaandtherewasmylibrarian,sternandinfallibleandsilent.Ikeptpullingthebooksofftheshelves.ThefirstrealbookIfoundwasbyafellownamedUptonSinclair.Hissentencesweresimpleandhespokewithanger.Hewrotewithanger.HewroteaboutthehogpensofChicago.Hecamerightoutandsaidthingsplainly.ThenIfoundanotherauthor.HisnamewasSinclairLewis.AndthebookwascalledMainStreet.Hepeeledbackthelayersofhypocrisythatcoveredpeople.Onlyheseemedtolackpassion.Iwentbackformore.Ireadeachbookinasingleevening.IwaswalkingaroundonedaysneakingglancesatmylibrarianwhenIcameuponabookwiththetitleBowDownToWoodandStone.Now,thatwasgood,becausethatwaswhatwewerealldoing.Atlast,somefire.'Iopenedthebook.ItwasbyJosephineLawrence.Awoman.Thatwasallright.Anybodycouldfindknowledge.Iopenedthepages.Buttheywerelikemanyoftheotherbooks:milky,obscure,tiresome.Ireplacedthebook.AndwhilemyhandwasthereIreachedforabooknearby.ItwasbyanotherLawrence.Iopenedthebookatrandomandbeganreading.Itwasaboutamanatapiano.Howfalseitseemedatfirst.ButIkeptreading.Themanatthepianowastroubled.Hismindwassayingthings.Darkandcuriousthings.Thelinesonthepagewerepulledtight,likeamanscreaming,butnot"Joe,whereareyou?"MorelikeJoe,whereisanything?ThisLawrenceofthetightandbloodyline.Ihadneverbeentoldabouthim.Whythesecret?Whywasn'theadvertised?Ireadabookaday.IreadalltheD.H.Lawrenceinthelibrary.MylibrarianbegantolookatmestrangelyasIcheckedoutthebooks."Howareyoutoday?"shewouldask.Thatalwayssoundedsogood.IfeltasifIhadalreadygonetobedwithher.IreadallthebooksbyD.H.Andtheyledtoothers.ToH.D.,thepoetess.AndHuxley,theyoungestoftheHuxleys,Lawrence'sfriend.Itallcamerushingatme.Onebookledtothenext.DosPassoscamealong.Nottoogood,really,butgoodenough.Histrilogy,abouttheU.S.A.,tooklongerthanadaytoread.Dreiserdidn'tworkforme.SherwoodAndersondid.AndthenalongcameHemingway.Whatathrill!Heknewhowtolaydownaline.Itwasajoy.Wordsweren'tdull,wordswerethingsthatcouldmakeyourmindhum.Ifyoureadthemandletyourselffeelthemagic,youcouldlivewithoutpain,withhope,nomatterwhathappenedtoyou.Butbackathome..."LIGHTSOUT!"myfatherwouldscream.IwasreadingtheRussiansnow,readingTurgenevandGorky.Myfather'srulewasthatalllightsweretobeoutby8p.m.Hewantedtosleepsothathecouldbefreshandeffectiveonthejobthenextday.Hisconversationathomewasalwaysabout"thejob."Hetalkedtomymotherabouthis"job"fromthemomentheenteredthedoorintheeveningsuntiltheyslept.Hewasdeterminedtoriseintheranks."Allright,that'senoughofthosegod-damnedbooks!Lightsout!"'Tome,thesemenwhohadcomeintomylifefromnowhereweremyonlychance.Theyweretheonlyvoicesthatspoketome."Allright,"Iwouldsay. 86ThenItookthereadinglamp,crawledundertheblanket,pulledthepillowunderthere,andreadeachnewbook,proppingitagainstthepillow,underthequilt.Itgotveryhot,thelampgothot,andIhadtroublebreathing.Iwouldliftthequiltforair."What'sthat?DoIseealight?Henry,areyourlightsout?"IwouldquicklylowerthequiltagainandwaituntilIheardmyfathersnoring.Turgenevwasaveryseriousfellowbuthecouldmakemelaughbecauseatruthfirstencounteredcanbeveryfunny.Whensomeoneelse'struthisthesameasyourtruth,andheseemstobesayingitjustforyou,that'sgreat.Ireadmybooksatnight,likethat,underthequiltwiththeoverheatedreadinglamp.Readingallthosegoodlineswhilesuffocating.Itwasmagic.Andmyfatherhadfoundajob,andthatwasmagicforhim... 8736BackatChelseyHighitwasthesame.Onegroupofseniorshadgraduatedbuttheywerereplacedbyanothergroupofseniorswithsportscarsandexpensiveclothes.Iwasneverconfrontedbythem.Theyleftmealone,theyignoredme.Theywerebusywiththegirls.Theyneverspoketothepoorguysinoroutofclass.AboutaweekintomysecondsemesterItalkedtomyfatheroverdinner."Look,"Isaid,"it'shardatschool.You'regivingme50centsaweekallowance.Can'tyoumakeitadollar?""Adollar?""Yes."Heputaforkfulofslicedpickledbeetsintohismouthandchewed.Thenhelookedatmefromunderhiscurled-upeyebrows,"IfIgaveyouadollaraweekthatwouldmean52dollarsayear,thatwouldmeanIwouldhavetoworkoveraweekonmyjobjustsoyoucouldhaveanallowance."Ididn'tanswer.ButIthought,mygod,ifyouthinklikethat,itembyitem,thenyoucan'tbuyanything:bread,watermelon,newspapers,flour,milkorshavingcream.Ididn'tsayanymorebecausewhenyouhate,youdon'tbeg...Thoserichguysliketodarttheircarsinandout,swiftly,slidingup,burningrubber,theircarsglisteninginthesunlightasthegirlsgatheredaround.Classeswereajoke,theywereallgoingsomewheretocollege,classeswerejustaroutinelaugh,theygotgoodgrades,youseldomsawthemwithbooks,youjustsawthemburningmorerubber,gunningfromthecurbwiththeircarsfullofsquealingandlaughinggirls.Iwatchedthemwithmy50centsinmypocket.Ididn'tevenknowhowtodriveacar.Meanwhilethepoorandthelostandtheidiotscontinuedtoflockaroundme.IhadaplaceIlikedtoeatunderthefootballgrandstand.Ihadmybrownbaglunchwithmytwobolognasandwiches.Theycamearound,"Hey,Hank,canIeatwithyou?""Getthefuckoutofhere!I'mnotgoingtotellyoutwice!"Enoughofthiskindhadattachedthemselvestomealready.Ididn'tmuchcareforanyofthem:Baldy,JimmyHatcher,andathinganglingJewishkid,AbeMortenson.Mortensonwasastraight-Astudentbutoneofthebiggestidiotsinschool.Hehadsomethingradicallywrongwithhim.Salivakeptforminginhismouthbutinsteadofspittingonthegroundtogetridofithespitintohishands.Idon'tknowwhyhediditandIdidn'task.Ididn'tliketoask.IjustwatchedhimandIwasdisgusted.IwenthomewithhimonceandIfoundouthowhegotstraightA's.Hismothermadehimstickhisnoseintoabookrightawayandshemadehimkeepitthere.Shemadehimreadallofhisschoolbooksoverandover,pageafterpage."Hemustpasshisexams,"shetoldme.Itneveroccurredtoherthatmaybethehookswerewrong.Orthatmaybeitdidn'tmatter.Ididn'taskher.Itwaslikegrammarschoolalloveragain.Gatheredaroundmeweretheweakinsteadofthestrong,theuglyinsteadofthebeautiful,thelosersinsteadofthewinners.Itlookedlikeitwasmydestinytotravelintheircompanythroughlife.Thatdidn'tbothermesomuchasthefactthatIseemedirresistibletothesedullidiotfellows.Iwaslikeaturdthatdrewfliesinsteadoflikeaflowerthatbutterfliesandbeesdesired.Iwantedtolivealone,Ifeltbestbeingalone,cleaner,yetIwasnotcleverenoughtoridmyselfofthem.Maybetheyweremymasters:fathersinanotherform.Inanyevent,itwashardtohavethemhangingaroundwhileIwaseatingmybolognasandwiches. 8837Butthereweresomegoodmoments.Mysometimefriendfromtheneighborhood,Gene,whowasayearolderthanI,hadabuddy,HarryGibson,whohadhadoneprofessionalfight(he'dlost).IwasoveratGene'soneafternoonsmokingcigaretteswithhimwhenHarryGibsonshowedupwithtwopairsofboxinggloves.GeneandIweresmokingwithhistwoolderbrothers,LarryandDan.HarryGibsonwascocky."Anybodywanttotryme?"heasked.Nobodysaidanything.Gene'soldestbrother,Larry,wasabout22.Hewasthebiggest,buthewaskindoftimidandsubnormal.Hehadahugehead,hewasshortandstocky,reallywell-built,buteverythingfrightenedhim.SowealllookedatDanwhowasthenextoldest,sinceLarrysaid,"No,noIdon'twanttofight."Danwasamusicalgenius,hehadalmostwonascholarshipbutnotquite.Anyhow,sinceLarryhadpassedupHarry'schallenge,DanputtheglovesonwithHarryGibson.HarryGibsonwasason-of-a-bitchonshiningwheels.Eventhesunglintedoffhisglovesinacertainway.Hemovedwithprecision,aplombandgrace.HeprancedanddancedaroundDan.Danhelduphisglovesandwaited.Gibson'sfirstpunchstreakedin.Itcrackedlikearifleshot.Thereweresomechickensinapenintheyardandtwoofthemjumpedintotheairatthesound.Danspilledbackwards.Hewasstretchedoutonthegrass,bothofhisarmsspreadoutlikesomecheapChrist.Larrylookedathimandsaid,"I'mgoingintothehouse."Hewalkedquicklytothescreendoor,openeditandwasgone.WewalkedovertoDan.Gibsonstoodoverhimwithalittlegrinonhisface.Genebentdown,liftedDan'sheadupabit."Dan?Youallright?"Danshookhisheadandslowlysatup."JesusChrist,theguy'scarryingalethalweapon.Gettheseglovesoffme!"GeneunlacedonegloveandIgottheother.Danstoodupandwalkedtowardthebackdoorlikeanoldman."I'mgonnalaydown..."Hewentinside.HarryGibsonpickeduptheglovesandlookedatGene."Howaboutit,Gene?"Genespitinthegrass."Whatthehellyoutryingtodo,knockoffthewholefamily?""Iknowyou'rethebestfighter,Gene,butI'llgoeasyonyouanyhow."GenenoddedandIlacedonhisglovesforhim.Iwasagoodgloveman.Theysquaredoff.GibsoncircledaroundGene,gettingready.Hecircledtotheright,thenhecircledtotheleft.Hebobbedandheweaved.Thenhesteppedin,gaveGeneahardleftjab.ItlandedrightbetweenGene'seyes.GenebackpedaledandGibsonfollowed.WhenhegotGeneupagainstthechickenpenhesteadiedhimwithasoftlefttotheforeheadandthencrackedahardrighttoGene'slefttemple.Geneslidalongthechickenwireuntilhehitthefence,.thenheslidalongthefence,coveringup.Hewasn'tattemptingtofightback.Dancameoutofthehousewithapieceoficewrappedinarag.Hesatontheporchstepsandheldtheragtohisforehead.Generetreatedalongthefence.Harrygothiminthecornerbetweenthefenceandthegarage.HeloopedalefttoGene'sgutandwhenGenebentoverhestraightenedhimwitharightuppercut.Ididn'tlikeit.Gibsonwasn'tgoingeasyonGenelikehe'dpromised.Igotexcited."Hitthatfuckerback,Gene!He'syellow!Hithim!"Gibsonloweredhisgloves,lookedatmeandwalkedover."Whatdidyousay,punk?""Iwasrootingmymanon,"Isaid.DanwasovergettingtheglovesoffGene."DidIhearsomethingaboutbeing'yellow'?""Yousaidyouweregoingtogoeasyonhim.Youdidn't.You'rehittinghimwitheveryshotyou'vegot." 89"Youcallin'mealiar?""I'msayingyoudon'tkeepyourword.""Comeonoverandputtheglovesonthispunk!"GeneandDancameoverandbeganputtingtheglovesonme."Takeiteasyonthisguy,Hank,"Genesaid."Rememberhe'salltiredoutfromfightingus."GeneandIhadfoughtbare-fistedonememorabledayfrom9a.m.to6p.m.Genehaddoneprettygood.Ihadsmallhandsandifyouhavesmallhandsyou'veeithergottobeabletohithardashellorelsebesomekindofaboxer.Iwasonlyalittleofeach.ThenextdaymyentireupperbodywaspurplewithbruisesandIhadtwofatlipsandacoupleofloosefrontteeth.NowIhadtofighttheguywhohadjustwhippedtheguywhohadwhippedme.Gibsoncircledtotheleft,thentheright,thenhemovedinonme.Ididn'tseetheleftjabatall.Idon'tknowwhereitcaughtmehutIwentdownfromtheleftjab.Ithadn'thurtbutIwasdown.Igotup.Iftheleftcoulddothatwhatwouldtherightdo?Ihadtofiguresomethingout.HarryGibsonbegantocircletotheleft,myleft.Insteadofcirclingtomyrightlikeheexpected,Icircledtomyleft.HelookedsurprisedandaswecametogetherIloopedawildleftwhichcaughthimhighandhardonthehead.Itfeltgreat.Ifyoucanhitaguyonce,youcanhithimtwice.Thenwewerefacingeachotherandhecamestraightatme.GibsongotmewiththejabhutasithitmeIduckedmyheaddownandtoonesideasquicklyasIcould.Hisrightswungaroundoverthetop,missing.Imovedintohimandclinched,givinghimarabbitpunch.WebrokeandIfeltlikeapro."Youcantakehim,Hank!"yelledGene."Gogethim,Hank!"yelledDan.IrushedGibsonandtriedarightlead.Imissedandhisleftcrossflashedonmyjaw.Isawgreenandyellowandredlights,thenhedugarighttomybelly.Itfeltlikeitwentthroughtomybackbone.Igrabbedhimandclinched.ButIwasn'tfrightened,forachange,andthatfeltgood."I'llkillyou,youfucker!"Itoldhim.Thenitwasjusthead-to-head,nomoreboxing.Hispunchescamefastandhard.Hewasmoreaccurate,hadmorepower,yetIwaslandingsomehardshotstooanditmademefeelgood.ThemorehehitmethelessIfeltit.Ihadmygutsuckedin,Ilikedtheaction.ThenGeneandDanwerebetweenus.Theypulledusapart."What'swrong?"Iasked."Don'tstopthisthing!Icantakehisass!""Cuttheshit,Hank,"saidGene."Lookatyourself."Ilookeddown.Thefrontofmyshirtwasdarkwithbloodandthereweresplotchesofpus.Thepuncheshadbrokenopenthreeorfourboils.Thathadn'thappenedinmyfightwithGene."That'snothing,"Isaid."That'sjustbadluck.Hehasn'thurtme.GivemeachanceandI'llcuthimdown.""No,Hank,you'llgetaninfectionorsomething,"saidGene."Allright,shit,"Isaid,"cuttheglovesoffme!"Geneunlacedme.WhenhegottheglovesoffInoticedthatmyhandsweretrembling,andalsomyarmstoalesserextent.Iputmyhandsinmypockets.DantookHarry'sglovesoff.Harrylookedatme."You'reprettygood,kid.""Thanks.Well,I'llseeyouguys..."Iwalkedoff.AsIwalkedawayItookmyhandsoutofmypockets.Thenupthe-driveway,justatthesidewalk,Istopped,pulledoutacigaretteandstuckitintomymouth.WhenItriedtostrikeamatchmyhandsweretremblingsomuchIcouldn'tdoit.Igavethemawave,arealnonchalantwave,andwalkedaway.BackatthehouseIlookedatmyselfinthemirror.Prettydamngood.Iwascomingalong. 90Itookoffmyshirtandthrewitunderthebed.I'dhavetofindawaytocleanthebloodoff.Ididn'thavemanyshirtsandthey'dnoticeamissingonerightaway.Butforme,ithadfinallybeenasuccessfulday,andIhadn'thadtoomanyofthose. 9138AbeMortensonwashadenoughtobearoundbuthewasjustafool.Youcanforgiveafoolbecauseheonlyrunsinonedirectionanddoesn'tdeceiveanybody.It'sthedeceiverswhomakeyoufeelhad.JimmyHatcherhadstraightblackhair,fairskin,hewasn'tasbigasIwasbuthekepthisshouldersback,dressedbetterthanmostofus,andhehadawayofgettingalongwithanybodyhefeltlikegettingalongwith.Hismotherwasabarmaidandhisfatherhadcommittedsuicide.Jimmyhadanicesmile,perfectteeth,andthegirlslikedhimeventhoughhedidn'thavethemoneytherichguyshad.Iwouldalwaysseehimtalkingtosomegirl.Idon'tknowwhathesaidtothem.Ididn'tknowwhatanyoftheguyssaidtoanyofthem.ThegirlswereimpossiblyoutofreachformeandsoIpretendedthattheydidn'texist.ButHatcherwasanothermatter.Iknewhewasn'tafairybuthekepthangingaround."Listen,Jimmy,whydoyoufollowmearound?Idon'tlikeanythingaboutyou.""Ah,comeon.Hank,we'refriends.""Yeah?""Yes."HeevengotuponceinEnglishclassandreadanessaycalled"TheValueofFriendship,"andwhilehewasreadingithekeptglancingatme.Itwasastupidessay,softandstandard,buttheclassapplaudedwhenhefinished,andIthought,well,that'swhatpeoplethinkandwhatcanyoudoaboutit?Iwroteacounter-essaycalled,"TheValueofNoFriendshipAtAll."Theteacherdidn'tletmereadittotheclass.Shegavemea"D."JimmyandBaldyandIwalkedhometogetherfromhighschooleachday.(AbeMortensonlivedintheotherdirectionsothatsavedusfromhavingtowalkwithhim.)OnedaywewerewalkingalongandJimmysaid,"Hey,let'sgotomygirlfriend'shouse.Iwantyoutomeether.""Ah,balls,fuckthat,"Isaid."No,no,"saidJimmy,"she'sanicegirl.Iwantyoutomeether.I'vefinger-fuckedher."I'dseenhisgirl,AnnWeatherton,shewasreallybeautiful,longbrownhairandlargebrowneyes,quiet,andwithagoodfigure.I'dneverspokentoherbutIknewshewasJimmy'sgirl.Therichguyshadtriedtohitonherbutsheignoredthem.Shelookedlikeshewasfirst-rate."I'vegotthekeytoherhouse,"saidJimmy."We'llgothereandwaitforher.She'sgotalateclass.""Soundsdulltome,"Isaid."Ah,comeon,Hank,"saidBaldy."you'rejustgoingtogohomeandwhack-offanyhow.""That'snotalwayswithoutitsownmerits,"Isaid.Jimmyopenedthefrontdoorwithhiskeyandwewalkedin.Anicecleanlittlehouse.AsmallblackandwhitebulldogranuptoJimmy,waggingitsstubtail."ThisisBones,"saidJimmy."Boneslovesme.Watchthis!"JimmyspitinthepalmofhisrighthandandgrabbedBones'penisandbeganrubbingit."Hey,whatthefuckyoudoing?"askedBaldy."TheykeepBonesonaleashintheyard.Henevergetsany.Heneedsrelease!"Jimmyworkedaway.Bones'penisgotdisgustinglyred,athin,longstringofdrippinginanity.Bonesbeganmakingwhimperingsounds.Jimmylookedupasheworkedaway."Hey,youwannaknowwhatoursongis?Imean,Ann'ssongandmysong?It's'WhentheDeepPurpleFallsOverSleepyGardenWalls."'ThenBoneswasmakingit.Thespermspurtedoutandonthecarpet.Jimmystoodupandwiththesoleofhisshoerubbedthecomedownintothenapofthecarpet. 92"I'mgonnafuckAnnoneofthesedays.It'sgettingclose.Shesaysshelovesme.AndIlovehertoo,Ilovehergod-damnedcunt.""Youprick,"ItoldJimmy,"youmakemesick.""Iknowyoudon'tmeanthat,Hank,"hesaid.Jimmywalkedintothekitchen."She'sgotanicefamily.Shelivesherewithherfather,motherandbrother.HerbrotherknowsIamgoingtofuckher.He'sright.Butthere'snothinghecandoaboutitbecauseIcanbeattheshitoutofhim.He'snothing.Hey,watchthis!"Jimmyopenedtherefrigeratordoorandpulledoutabottleofmilk.Atourplacewestillhadanicebox.TheWeathertonswereobviouslyawell-offfamily.Jimmypulledouthiscockandthenpeeledthecardboardcapoffthebottleandputhiscockinthere."Justalittle,youknow.They'llnevertasteitbutthey'llbedrinkingmypiss..."Hepulledhiscockout,cappedthebottle,shookit,andthenplaceditbackintherefrigerator."Now,"hesaid,"here'ssomejello.Theyaregoingtoeatjellofordesserttonight.Theyarealsogoingtoeat..."Hetookthebowlofjellooutandhelditandthenweheardakeyinthefrontdoorandthefrontdooropening.Jimmyquicklyputthejellobackintotherefrigeratorandclosedthedoor.ThenAnnwalkedin.Intothekitchen."Ann,"saidJimmy,"Iwantyoutomeetmygoodfriends,HankandBaldy.""Hi!""Hi!""Hi!""Thisone'sBaldy.TheotherguyisHank.""Hi.""Hi.""Hi.""I'veseenyouguysaroundcampus.""Ohyeah,"Isaid,"we'rearoundthere.Andwe'veseenyoutoo.""Yeah,"saidBaldy.JimmylookedatAnn."Youallright,baby?""Yes,Jimmy,I'vebeenthinkingaboutyou."Shemovedtowardhimandtheyembraced,thentheywerekissing.Theywerestandingrightinfrontofusastheywerekissing.Jimmywasfacingus.Wecouldseehisrighteye.Itwinked."Well,"Isaid,"we'vegottogetgoing.""Yeah,"saidBaldy.Wewalkedoutofthekitchen,throughthefrontroomandoutofthere.WewalkeddownthesidewalktowardBaldy'splace."Thatguy'sreallygotitmade,"saidBaldy."Yeah,"Isaid. 9339OneSundayJimmytalkedmeintogoingtothebeachwithhim.Hewantedtogoswimming.Ididn'twanttoheseenwearingswimmingtrunksbecausemybackwascoveredwithboilsandscars.Outsideofthat,Ihadagoodbody.Butnobodywouldnoticethat.Ihadagoodchestandgreatlegsbutnobodywouldseethat.IherewasnothingtodoandIdidn'thaveanymoneyandtheguysdidn'tplayinthestreetsonSunday.Idecidedthatthebeachbelongedtoeverybody.Ihadaright,myscarsandboilsweren'tagainstthelaw.Sowegotonourbikesandstartedout.Itwasfifteenmiles.Thatdidn'tbotherme.Ihadthelegs.IbreezedwithJimmyallthewaytoCulverCity.ThenIgraduallybegantopedalfaster.Jimmypumped,tryingtokeepup.Icouldseehimgettingwinded.Ipulledoutacigaretteandlitit,heldoutthepacktohim."Wantone,Jim?""No...thanks...""Thisbeatsshootingbirdswithabeebeegun,"Itoldhim."Weoughttodothismoreoften!"Ibeganpumpingharder.Istillhadplentyofreservestrength."Thisreallygetsit,"Itoldhim."Thisbeatswhacking-off!""Hey,slowupalittle!"Ilookedbackathim."There'snothinglikeagoodfriendtogobikingwith.Comeon,friend!"ThenIgaveitallIhadandpulledaway.Thewindwasblowinginmyface.Itfeltgood."Hey,wait!WAIT,GODDAMNIT!"yelledJimmy.Istartedlaughingandreallyopenedup.SoonJimwashalf-a-blockback,ablock,twoblocks.NobodyknewhowgoodIwas,nobodyknewwhatIcoulddo.Iwassomekindofmiracle.ThesuntossedyelloweverywhereandIcutthrough-it,acrazyknifeonwheels.MyfatherwasabeggarinthestreetsofIndiabutallthewomenintheworldlovedme...IwastravelingatfullspeedasIreachedthesignal.Ishotthroughinsidetherowofwaitingcars.Noweventhecarswerebacktherebehindme.Butnotforlong.Aguyandhisgirlinagreencoupepulledupanddrovealongsideme."Hey,kid!""Yeah?"Ilookedathim.Hewasabigguyinhistwentieswithhairyarmsandatattoo."Wherethefuckdoyouthinkyou'regoing?"heaskedme.Hewastryingtoshowoffinfrontofhisgirl.Shewasalooker,herlongblondhairblowinginthewind."Upyours,buddy!"Itoldhim."What?""Isaid,'Upyours!"Igavehimthefinger.Hekeptdrivingalongbesideme."Yougonnatakeshitoffthatkid,Nick?"Iheardhisgirlaskhim.Hekeptdrivingalongbesideme."Hey,kid,"hesaid,"Ididn'tquitehearwhatyousaid.Wouldyoumindsayingthatagain?""Yeah,saythatagain,"saidthelooker,herlongblondhairblowinginthewind.Thatpissedme.Shepissedme.Ilookedathim."Allright,youwanttrouble?Parkit.I'mtrouble."Hezoomedaheadofmeabouthalfablock,parked,andswungthedooropen.AshegotoutIswungwidearoundhimalmostintothepathofaChevywhogavemethehorn.AsIswungaroundintoasidestreetIcouldhearthebigguylaughing.AftertheguywasgoneIwheeledbackontoWashingtonBoulevard,wentafewblocks,gotoffthebikeandwaitedforJimonabusstopbench.Icouldseehimcomingalong.WhenhepulledupIpretendedthatIwasasleep."Comeon,Hank!Don'tgivemethatshit!""Oh,hello,Jim.Youhere?" 94ItriedtogetJimtopickaspotonthebeachwherethereweren'ttoomanypeople.IfeltnormalstandingthereinmyshirtbutwhenIundressedIwasexposed.Ihatedtheotherbathersfortheirunmarredbodies.Ihatedallthegod-damnedpeoplewhoweresunbathingorinthewateroreatingorsleepingortalkingorthrowingbeachballs.Ihatedtheirbehindsandtheirfacesandtheirelbowsandtheirhairandtheireyesandtheirbellybuttonsandtheirbathingsuits.Istretchedoutonthesandthinking,Ishouldhavepunchedthatfatson-of-a-bitch.Whatthehelldidheknow?Jimstretchedoutbesideme."Whatthehell,"hesaid,"let'sgoswimming.""Notyet,"Isaid.Thewaterwasfullofpeople.Whatwasthefascinationofthebeach?Whydidpeoplelikethebeach?Didn'ttheyhaveanythingbettertodo?Whatchicken-brainedfuckerstheywere."Justthink,"saidJim,"womengointothewaterandtheypissinthere.""Yeah,andyouswallowit."'Therewouldneverbeawayformetolivecomfortablywithpeople.MaybeI'dbecomeamonk.I'dpretendtobelieveinGodandliveinacubicle,playanorganandstaydrunkonwine.Nobodywouldfuckwithme.IcouldgointoacellformonthsofmeditationwhereIwouldn'thavetolookatanybodyandtheycouldjustsendinthewine.Thetroublewas,theblackrobeswerepurewool.TheywereworsethanR.O.T.C.uniforms.Icouldn'twearthem.I'dhavetothinkofsomethingelse."Oh,oh,"saidJim."Whatisit?""Therearesomegirlsdowntherelookingatus.""Sowhat?""They'retalkingandlaughing.Theymightcomedownhere.""Yeah?""Yeah.AndiftheystartcomingoverI'llwarnyou.WhenIdo,turnonyourback."Mychesthadonlyafewboilsandscars."Don'tforget,"saidJim,"whenIwarnyou,turnoveronyourback.""Iheardyou."Ihadmyheaddowninmyarms.IknewthatJimwaslookingatthegirlsandsmiling.Hehadawaywiththem."Simplecunts,"hesaid,"they'rereallystupid."WhydidIcomehere?Ithought.Whyisitalwaysonlyamatterofchoosingbetweensomethingbadandsomethingworse?"Oh,oh,Hank,heretheycome!"Ilookedup.Therewerefiveofthem.Irolledoveronmyback.Theywalkedupgigglingandstoodthere.Oneofthemsaid,"Hey,theseguysarecute!""Yougirlslivearoundhere?"Jimasked."Ohyeah,"oneofthemsaid,"wenestwiththeseagulls!"Theygiggled."Well,"saidJim,"we'reeagles.I'mnotsurewe'dknowwhattodowithfiveseagulls.""Howdobirdsdoitanyhow?"oneofthemasked."DamnedifIknow,"Jimsaid,"maybewecanfindout.""Whydon'tyouguyscomeovertoourblanket?"oneofthemasked."Sure,"Jimsaid.Threeofthegirlshadspoken.Theothertwohadjuststoodtherepullingtheirbathingsuitsdownoverwhattheydidn'twantseen."Countmeout,"Isaid."What'swrongwithyourfriend?"askedoneofthegirlswhohadbeencoveringherass.Jimsaid,"He'sstrange.""What'swrongwithhim?"askedthelastgirl."He'sjuststrange,"saidJim.Hegotupandwalkedoffwiththegirls.Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtothewaves.Thousandsoffishoutthere,eatingeachother.Endlessmouthsandassholesswallowingandshifting.Thewholeearthwasnothingbutmouthsandassholesswallowingandshifting,andfucking.IrolledoverandwatchedJimwiththefivegirls.Hewasstandingup,stickinghischestoutandshowingoffhisballs.Hedidn'thavemybarrelchestandbiglegs.Hewasslimandneat,withthat 95blackhairandthatlittlenastymouthwithperfectteeth,andhislittleroundearsandhislongneck.Ididn'thaveaneck.Notmuchofone,anyway.Myheadseemedtositonmyshoulders.ButIwasstrong,andmean.Notgoodenough,theladieslikeddandies.Ifitwasn'tfortheboilsandscars,though.I'dbedowntherenowshowingthemathingortwo.I'dflashmyballsforthem,bringingtheirdeadair-headedmindstoattention.Me,withmy50-cents-a-weeklife.ThenIsawthegirlsleapupandfollowJimintothewater.Iheardthemgigglingandscreaminglikemindless...what?No,theywerenice.Theyweren'tlikegrown-upsandparents.Theylaughed.Thingswerefunny.Theyweren'tafraidtocare.Therewasnosensetolife,tothestructureofthings.D,H.Lawrencehadknownthat.Youneededlove,butnotthekindoflovemostpeopleusedandwereusedupby.OldD,H.hadknownsomething.HisbuddyHuxleywasjustanintellectualfidget,butwhatamarvelousone.BetterthanG.B.Shawwiththathardkeelofamindalwaysscrapingbottom,hislaboredwitfinallyonlyatask,aburdenonhimself,preventinghimfromreallyfeelinganything,hisbrilliantspeechfinallyabore,scrapingthemindandthesensibilities.Itwasgoodtoreadthemallthough.Itmadeyourealizethatthoughtsandwordscouldbefascinating,iffinallyuseless.Jimwassplashingwateronthegirls.HewastheWaterGodandtheylovedhim.Hewasthepossibilityandthepromise.Hewasgreat.Heknewhowtodoit.IhadreadmanybooksbuthehadreadabookthatIhadneverread.Hewasanartistwithhislittlepairofbathingtrunksandhisballsandhiswickedlittlelookandhisroundears.Hewasthebest.Icouldn'tchallengehimanymorethanIcouldhavechallengedthatbigson-of-a-bitchinthegreencoupewiththelookerwhosehairflowedinthewind.Theybothhadgotwhattheydeserved.Iwasjusta50-centturdfloatingaroundinthegreenoceanoflife.Iwatchedthemcomeoutofthewater,glistening,smooth-skinnedandyoung,undefeated.Iwantedthemtowantme.Butneveroutofpity.Yet,despitetheirsmoothuntouchedbodiesandmindstheystillweremissingsomethingbecausetheywereasyetbasicallyuntested.Whenadversityfinallyarrivedintheirlivesitmightcometoolateortoohard.Iwasready.Maybe.IwatchedJimtowelingoff,usingoneoftheirtowels.AsIwatched,somebody'schild,aboyofaboutfourcamealong,pickedupahandfulofsandandthrewitinmyface.Thenhejuststoodthere,glowering,hissandystupidlittlemouthpuckeredinsomekindofvictory.Hewasadaringdarlinglittleshit.Iwiggledmyfingerforhimtocomecloser,come,come.Hestoodthere."Littleboy,"Isaid,"comehere.Ihaveabagofcandy-coveredshitforyoutoeat."Thefuckerlooked,turnedandranoff.Hehadastupidass.Twolittlepear-shapedbuttockswobbling,almostdisjointed.But,anotherenemygone.ThenJim,theladykiller,wasback.Hestoodthereoverme.Gloweringalso."They'regone,"hesaid.Ilookeddowntowherethefivegirlshadbeenandsureenoughtheyweregone."Wheredidtheygo?"Iasked."Whogivesafuck?I'vegotthephonenumbersofthetwobestones.""Bestonesforwhat?""Forfucking,youjerk!"Istoodup."IthinkI'lldeckyou,jerk!"Hisfacelookedgoodintheseawind.Icouldalreadyseehim,knockeddown,squirmingonthesand,kickinguphiswhite-bottomedfeet.Jimbackedoff."Takeiteasy.Hank.Look,youcanhavetheirphonenumbers!""Keepthem.Idon'thaveyourgod-damneddumbears!""O.K.,O.K.,we'refriends,remember?"Wewalkedupthebeachtothestrandwherewehadourbicycleslockedbehindsomeone'sbeachhouse.Andaswewalkedalongwebothknewwhosedayithadbeen,andknockingsomebodyontheirasscouldnothavechangedthat,althoughitmighthavehelped,butnotenough. 96Allthewayhome,onourbikes,Ididn'ttrytoshowhimupasIhadearlier.Ineededsomethingmore.MaybeIneededthatblondeinthegreencoupewithherlonghairblowinginthewind. 9740R.O.T.C.(ReserveOfficerTrainingCorps)wasforthemisfits.LikeIsaid,itwaseitherthatorgym.IwouldhavetakengymbutIdidn'twantpeopletosectheboilsonmyback.TherewassomethingwrongwitheverybodyenrolledinR.O.T.C.Italmostentirelyconsistedofguyswhodidn'tlikesportsorguyswhoseparentsforcedthemtotakeR.O.T.C.becausetheythoughtitwaspatriotic.Theparentsofrichkidstendedtobemorepatrioticbecausetheyhadmoretoloseifthecountrywentunder.Thepoorparentswerefarlesspatriotic,andthenoftenprofessedtheirpatriotismonlybecauseitwasexpectedorbecauseitwasthewaytheyhadbeenraised.Subconsciouslytheyknewitwouldn'tbeanybetterorworseforthemiftheRussiansortheGermansortheChineseortheJapaneseranthecountry,especiallyiftheyhaddarkskin.Thingsmightevenimprove.Anyhow,sincemanyoftheparentsofChelseyHighwererich,wehadoneofthebiggestR.O.T.C.'sinthecity.Sowemarchedaroundinthesunandlearnedtodiglatrines,curesnake-bite,tendthewounded,tietourniquets,bayonettheenemy;welearnedabouthandgrenades,infiltration,deploymentoftroops,maneuvers,retreats,advances,mentalandphysicaldiscipline;wegotonthefiringrange,bangbang,andwegotourmarksmen'smedals.Wehadactualfieldmaneuvers,wewentoutintothewoodsandwagedamockwar.Wecrawledonourbelliestowardeachotherwithourrifles.Wewereveryserious.EvenIwasserious.Therewassomethingaboutitthatgotyourbloodgoing.Itwasstupidandweallknewitwasstupid,mostofus,butsomethingclickedinourbrainsandwereallywantedtogetinvolvedinit.WehadanoldretiredArmyman,Col.Sussex.Hewasgettingsenileanddrooled,littletricklesofsalivarunningoutofthecornersofhismouthanddown,aroundandunderhischin.Heneversaidanything.Hejuststoodaroundinhisuniformcoveredwithmedalsanddrewhispayfromthehighschool.Duringourmockmaneuvershecarriedaroundaclipboardandkeptscore.Hestoodonahighhillandmademarksontheclipboard--probably.Buthenevertolduswhowon.Eachsideclaimedvictory.Itmadeforbadfeelings.Lt.HermanBeechcroftwasbest.Hisfatherownedabakeryandahotelcateringservice,whateverthatwas.Anyhow,hewasbest.Healwaysgavethesamespeechbeforeamaneuver."Remember,youmusthatetheenemy!Theywanttorapeyourmotherandsisters!Doyouwantthosemonsterstorapeyourmotherandsisters?"Lt.Beechcrofthadalmostnochinatall.Hisfacedroppedawaysuddenlyandwherethejawboneshouldhavebeentherewasonlyalittlebutton.Weweren'tsureifitwasadeformityornot.Buthiseyesweremagnificentintheirfury,largeblueblazingsymbolsofwarandvictory."Whitlinger!""Yes,sir!""Wouldyouwantthoseguysrapingyourmother?""Mymother'sdead,sir.""Oh,sorry...Drake.""Yes,sir!""Wouldyouwantthoseguysrapingyourmother?""No,sir.""Good.Remember,thisiswar.Weacceptmercybutwedonotgivemercy.Youmusthatetheenemy.Killhim!Adeadmancan'tdefeatyou.Defeatisadisease!Victorywriteshistory!NOWLET'SGOGETTHOSECOCKSUCKERS!"Wedeployedourline,sentouttheadvancescoutsandbegancrawlingthroughthebrush.IcouldseeCol.Sussexonhishillwithhisclipboard.ItwastheBluesvs.theGreens.Weeachhadapieceofcoloredragtiedaroundourupperrightarm.WeweretheBlues.Crawlingthroughthosebusheswaspurehell.Itwashot.Therewerebugs,dust,rocks,thorns.Ididn'tknowwhereIwas.Oursquadleader,Kozak,hadvanishedsomewhere.Therewasnocommunication.Wewerefucked.Ourmothersweregoingtogetraped.Ikeptcrawlingforward,bruisingandscratching 98myself,feelinglostandscared,butreallyfeelingmorethefool.Allthisvacantlandandemptysky,hills,streams,acresandacres.Whoowneditall?Probablythefatherofoneoftherichguys.Weweren'tgoingtocaptureanything.Thewholeplacewasonloantothehighschool.NOSMOKING.Icrawledforward.Wehadnoaircover,notanks,nothing.Wewerejustabunchoffairiesoutonahalf-assedmaneuverwithoutfood,withoutwomen,withoutreason.Istoodup,walkedoverandsatdownwithmybackagainstatree,putmyrifledownandwaited.Everybodywaslostanditdidn'tmatter.IpulledmyarmbandoffandwaitedforaRedCrossAmbulanceorsomething.Warwasprobablyhellbutthein-betweenpartswereboring.Thenthebushescrackedopenandaguyleapedoutandsawme.HehadonaGreenarmband.Arapist.Hepointedhisrifleatme.Ihadnoarmbandon,itwasdowninthegrass.Hewantedtotakeaprisoner.Iknewhim.HewasHarryMissions.Hisfatherownedalumbercompany.Isatthereagainstthetree."BlueorGreen?"heholleredatme."I'mMataHari.""Aspy!Itakespies!""Comeon,cuttheshit,Harry.Thisisagameforchildren.Don'tbothermewithyourfetidmelodrama."ThebushescrackedopenagainandtherewasLt.Beechcroft.MissionsandBeechcroftfacedeachother."Iherebytakeyouprisoner!"screamedBeechcroftatMissions."Iherebytakeyouprisoner!"screamedMissionsatBeechcroft.Theybothwerereallynervousandangry,Icouldfeelit.Beechcroftdrewhissabre."SurrenderorI'llrunyouthrough!"Missionsgrabbedhisgunbythebarrel."ComeoverhereandI'llknockyourgod-damnedheadoff!"Thenthebushescrackedopeneverywhere.ThescreaminghadattractedboththeBluesandtheGreens.Isatagainstthetreewhiletheymixeditup.Therewasdustandscufflingandnowandthentheevilsoundofriflestockagainstskull."Oh,Jesus!Oh,myGod!"Somebodiesweredown.Rifleswerelost.Therewerefistfightsandheadlocks.IsawtwoguyswithGreenarmbandslockedinadeath-grip.ThenCol.Sussexappeared.Heblewfranticallyonhiswhistle.Spitsprayedeverywhere.Thenheranoverwithhisswaggerstickandbeganbeatingthetroopswithit.Hewasgood.Itcutlikeawhipandslicedlikearazor."Ohshit!IQUIT!""No,stop!Jesus!Mercy!""Mother!"Thetroopsseparatedandstoodlookingateachother.Col.Sussexpickeduphisclipboard.Hisuniformwasunwrinkled.Hismedalswerestillinplace.Hiscapsatatthecorrectangle.Heflippedhisswaggerstick,caughtit,andwalkedoff.Wefollowed.Weclimbedintotheoldarmytruckswiththeirrippedcanvassidesandtopsthathadbroughtus.Theenginesstartedandwedroveoff.Wefacedeachotheronthelongwoodenbenches.Wehadcomeout,alltheBluesinoneofthetrucks,alltheGreensintheother.Nowweweremixedtogether,sittingthere,mostofuslookingdownatourscuffedanddustyshoes,beingjiggledthiswayandthat,totheleft,totheright,upanddown,asthetrucktireshittherutsintheoldroads.Weweretiredandweweredefeatedandwewerefrustrated.Thewarwasover. 9941R.O.T.C.keptmeawayfromsportswhiletheotherguyspracticedeveryday.Theymadetheschoolteams,wontheirlettersandgotthegirls.Mydayswerespentmostlymarchingaroundinthesun.Allyoueversawwerethebacksofsomeguy'searsandhisbuttocks.Iquicklybecamedisenchantedwithmilitaryproceedings.Theothersshinedtheirshoesbrightlyandseemedtogothroughmaneuverswithrelish.Icouldn'tseeanysenseinit.Theywerejustgettingshapedupinordertogettheirballsblownofflater.Ontheotherhand,Icouldn'tseemyselfcroucheddowninafootballhelmet,shoulderpadslacedon,deckedoutinBlueandWhite,#69,tryingtoblocksomemeanson-of-a-bitchfromacrosstown,tryingtomoveoutsomebrutewithtacosonhisbreathsothatthesonofthedistrictattorneycouldslantofflefttackleforsixyards.Theproblemwasyouhadtokeepchoosingbetweenoneeviloranother,andnomatterwhatyouchose,theyslicedalittlebitmoreoffyou,untiltherewasnothingleft.Attheageof25mostpeoplewerefinished.Awholegod-damnednationofassholesdrivingautomobiles,eating,havingbabies,doingeverythingintheworstwaypossible,likevotingforthepresidentialcandidatewhoremindedthemmostofthemselves.Ihadnointerests.Ihadnointerestinanything.IhadnoideahowIwasgoingtoescape.Atleasttheothershadsometasteforlife.TheyseemedtounderstandsomethingthatIdidn'tunderstand.MaybeIwaslacking.Itwaspossible.Ioftenfeltinferior.Ijustwantedtogetawayfromthem.Buttherewasnoplacetogo.Suicide?JesusChrist,justmorework.Ifeltlikesleepingforfiveyearsbuttheywouldn'tletme.SothereIwas,atChelseyHigh,stillintheR.O.T.C.,stillwithmyboils.ThatalwaysremindedmeofhowfuckedupIwas.Itwasagrandday.OnemanfromeachsquadwhohadwontheManualofArmscompetitionwithinhissquadsteppedintoalonglinewherethefinalcompetitionwastobeheld.SomehowIhadwonthecompetitioninmysquad.Ihadnoideahow.Iwasnohotshot.ItwasSaturday.Manymothersandfatherswereinthestands.Somebodyblewabugle.Aswordflashed.Commandsrangout.Rightshoulderarms!Leftshoulderarms!Rifleshitshoulders,riflebuttshittheground,riflestocksslammedintoshouldersagain.Littlegirlssatinthestandsintheirblueandgreenandyellowandorangeandpinkandwhitedresses.Itwashot,itwasboring,itwasinsanity."Chinaski,youarecompetingforthehonorofoursquadron!""Yes,CorporalMonty."Allthoselittlegirlsinthestandseachwaitingforherlover,forherwinner,forhercorporateexecutive.Itwassad.Aflockofpigeons,frightenedbyapieceofpaperblowninthewind,flappednoisilyaway.Iyearnedtobedrunkonbeer.Iwantedtobeanywherebuthere.Aseachmanmadeanerrorhedroppedoutofline.Soonthereweresix,thenfive,thenthree.Iwasstillthere.Ihadnodesiretowin.IknewthatIwouldn'twin.I'dsoonbeoutofit.Iwantedtobeoutofthere.Iwastiredandbored.Andcoveredwithboils.Ididn'tgivecream-shitforwhattheywerechasing.ButIcouldn'tmakeanobviouserror.CorporalMontywouldbehurt.Thentherewerejusttwoofus.MeandAndrewPost.Postwasadarling.Hisfatherwasagreatcriminallawyer.Hewasinthestandswithhiswife,Andrew'smother.Postwassweatingbutdetermined.Webothknewthathewouldwin.Icouldfeeltheenergyandalltheenergywashis.It'sallright,Ithought,heneedsit,theyneedit.It'sthewayitworks.It'sthewayit'smeanttowork. 100Wewentonandon,repeatingvariousManualofArmsmaneuvers.FromthecornerofmyeyeIsawthegoalpostsonthefieldandIthought,maybeifIhadtriedharderIcouldhavebecomeagreatfootballplayer."ORDER!"shoutedtheCommanderandIrippedmybolthome.Therehadbeenonlyoneclick.Therehadbeennoclicktomyleft.AndrewPosthadfrozen.Alittlemoanrosefromthegrandstands."ARMS!"theCommanderfinishedandIcompletedthemaneuver.Postdidtoobuthisboltwasopen...Theactualceremonyforthewinnercamesomedayslater.Luckilyformetherewereotherawardstobegiven.IstoodandwaitedwiththeothersasCol.Sussexcamedowntheline.MyboilswereworsethaneverandasalwayswhenIwaswearingthatitchybrownwooluniformthesunwasupandhotandmakingmeconsciousofeverywoolfiberinthatson-of-a-bitchingshirt.Iwasn'tmuchofasoldierandeverybodyknewit.IhadwononaflukebecauseIhadn'tcaredenoughtobenervous.IfeltbadlyforCol.SussexbecauseIknewwhathewasthinkingandmaybeheknewwhatIwasthinking:thathispeculiartypeofdevotionandcouragedidn'tseemexceptionaltome.Thenhewasstandingrightinfrontofme.Istoodatattentionbutmanagedtosneakapeekathim.Hehadhissalivaingoodorder.Maybewhenhewaspissed-offitdriedup.Inspiteoftheheattherewasagoodwestwindblowing.Col.Sussexpinnedthemedalonme.Thenhereachedoutandshookmyhand."Congratulations,"hesaid.Thenhesmiledatme.Andmovedon.Whytheoldfuck.Maybehewasn'tsobadafterall...WalkinghomeIhadthemedalinmypocket.WhowasCol.Sussex?Justsomeguywhohadtoshitliketherestofus.Everybodyhadtoconform,findamoldtofitinto.Doctor,lawyer,soldier--itdidn'tmatterwhatitwas.Onceinthemoldyouhadtopushforward.Sussexwasashelplessasthenextman.Eitheryoumanagedtodosomethingoryoustarvedinthestreets.Iwasalone,walking.Onmysideofthestreetjustbeforereachingthefirstboulevardonthelongwalkhometherewasasmallneglectedstore.Istoppedandlookedinthewindow.Variousobjectswereondisplaywiththeirsoiledpricetags.Isawsomecandleholders.Therewasanelectrictoaster.Atablelamp.Theglassofthewindowwasdirtyinsideandout.ThroughtheratherdustybrownsmearIsawtwotoydogsgrinning.Aminiaturepiano.Thesethingswereforsale.Theydidn'tlookveryappealing.Thereweren'tanycustomersinthestoreandIcouldn'tseeaclerkeither.ItwasaplaceIhadpassedmanytimesbeforebuthadneverstoppedtoexamine.IlookedinandIlikedit.Therewasnothinghappeningthere.Itwasaplacetorest,tosleep.Everythingintherewasdead.Icouldseemyselfhappilyemployedasaclerktheresolongasnocustomersenteredthedoor.Iturnedawayfromthewindowandwalkedalongsomemore.JustbeforereachingtheboulevardIsteppedintothestreetandsawanenormousstormdrainalmostatmyfeet.Itwaslikeagreatblackmouthleadingdowntothebowelsoftheearth.Ireachedintomypocketandtookthemedalandtossedittowardtheblackopening.Itwentrightin.Itdisappearedintothedarkness.ThenIsteppedontothesidewalkandwalkedbackhome.WhenIgottheremyparentswerebusywithvariouscleaningchores.ItwasaSaturday.NowIhadtomowandclipthelawn,wateritandtheflowers.Ichangedintomyworkingclothes,wentout,andwithmyfatherwatchingmefrombeneathhisdarkandevileyebrows,Iopenedthegaragedoorsandcarefullypulledthemoweroutbackwards,themowerbladesnotturningthen,butwaiting. 10142"YououghttotrytobelikeAbeMortenson,"saidmymother,"hegetsstraightA's.Whycan'tyouevergetanyA's?""Henryisdeadonhisass,"saidmyfather."SometimesIcan'tbelievehe'smyson.""Don'tyouwanttobehappy,Henry?"askedmymother."Youneversmile.Smileandbehappy.""Stopfeelingsorryforyourself,"saidmyfather."Beaman!""Smile,Henry!""What'sgoingtobecomeofyou?Howthehellyougoingtomakeit?Youdon'thaveanygetupandgo!""Whydon'tyougoseeAbe?Talktohim,learntobelikehim,"saidmymother...IknockedonthedooroftheMortensons'apartment.Thedooropened.ItwasAbe'smother."Youcan'tseeAbe.He'sbusystudying.""Iknow,Mrs.Mortenson.Ijustwanttoseehimaminute.""Allright.Hisroomisrightdownthere."Iwalkedondown.Hehadhisowndesk.Hewassittingwithabookopenontopoftwootherbooks.Iknewthebookbythecolorofthecover:Civics.Civics,forChristsake,onaSunday.Abelookedupandsawme.Hespitonhishandsandthenturnedbacktothebook."Hi,"hesaid,lookingdownatthepage."Ibetyou'vereadthatsamepagetentimesover,sucker.""I'vegottomemorizeeverything.""It'sjustcrap.""I'vegottopassmytests.""Youeverthoughtoffuckingagirl?""What?"hespitonhishands."Youeverlookedupagirl'sdressandwantedtoseemore?Everthoughtabouthersnatch?""That'snotimportant.""It'simportanttoher.""I'vegottostudy.""We'rehavingapick-upgameofbaseball.Someoftheguysfromschool.""OnSunday?""What'swrongwithSunday?PeopledoalotofthingsonSunday.""Butbaseball?""TheprosplayonSunday.""Buttheygetpaid.""Areyougettingpaidforreadingthatsamepageoverandover?Comeon,getsomeairinyourlungs,itmightclearyourhead.""Allright.Butjustforalittlewhile."HegotupandIfollowedhimupthehallandintothefrontroom.Wewalkedtowardthedoor."Abe,whereareyougoing?""I'lljustbegonealittlewhile.""Allright.Buthurryback.You'vegottostudy.""Iknow...""Allright,Henry,youmakesurehegetsback.""I'lltakecareofhim,Mrs.Mortenson."TherewasBaldyandJimmyHatcherandsomeotherguysfromschoolandafewguysfromtheneighborhood.Weonlyhadsevenguysoneachsidewhichleftacoupleofdefensiveholes,butIlikedthat.Iplayedcenterfield.Ihadgottengood,Iwascatchingup.Icoveredmostoftheoutfield.Iwasfast.Ilikedtoplayinclosetograbtheshortones.ButwhatIlikedbestwasrunningbacktograbthosehighhardoneshitovermyhead.That'swhatJiggerStatzdidwiththeLosAngelesAngels.Heonlyhitabout.280butthehitshetookawayfromtheotherteammadehimasvaluableasa.500bitter.EverySundayadozenormoregirlsfromtheneighborhoodwouldcomeandwatchus.Iignoredthem.Theyreallyscreamedwhensomethingexcitinghappened.Weplayedhardballandweeachhadourownglove,evenMortenson.Hehadthebestone.Ithadhardlybeenused. 102Itrottedouttocenterandthegamebegan.WehadAbeatsecondbase.IslammedmyfistintomymittandholleredinatMortenson,"Hey,Abe,youeverpacked-offintoarawegg?Youdon'thavetodietogotoheaven!"Iheardthegirlslaughing.Thefirstguystruckout.Hewasn'tmuch.IstruckoutalottoobutIwasthehardesthitterofthemall.Icouldreallyputthewoodtoit:outofthelotandintothestreet.Ialwayscrouchedlowovertheplate.Ilookedlikeawound-upspringstandingthere.Eachmomentofthegamewasexcitingtome.AllthegamesIhadmissedmowingthatlawn,allthoseearlyschooldaysofbeingchosennext-to-lastwereover.Ihadblossomed.IhadsomethingandIknewIhaditanditfeltgood."Hey,Abe!"Iyelledin."Withallthatspityoudon'tneedarawegg!"Thenextguyconnectedhardwithonebutitwashigh,veryhighandIranbacktomakeanover-the-shouldercatch.Isprintedback,feelinggreat,knowingthatIwouldcreatethemiracleonceagain.Shit.Theballsailedintoatalltreeatthebackofthelot.ThenIsawtheballbouncingdownthroughthebranches.Istationedmyselfandwaited.Nogood,itwasgoingleft.Iranleft.Thenitbouncedbacktotheright.Iranright.Ithitabranch,lingeredthere,thenslitheredthroughsomeleavesanddroppedintomyglove.Thegirlsscreamed.Ifiredtheballintoourpitcherononebouncethentrottedbackintoshallowcenter.Thenextguystruckout.Ourpitcher,HarveyNixon,hadagoodfireball.WechangedsidesandIwasfirstup.Ihadneverseentheguyonthemound.Hewasn'tfromChelsey.Iwonderedwherehewasfrom.Hewasbigallover,bighead,bigmouth,bigears,bigbody.Hishairfelldownoverhiseyesandhelookedlikeafool.Hishairwasbrownandhiseyesweregreenandthosegreeneyesstaredatmethroughthathairasifhehatedme.Itlookedlikehisleftarmwaslongerthanhisright.Hisleftarmwashispitchingarm.I'dneverfacedalefty,notinhardball.Buttheycouldallbehad.Turnthemupsidedownandtheywereallalike."Kitten"Floss,theycalledhim.Somekitten.190pounds."Comeon,Butch,hitoneout!"oneofthegirlspleaded.Theycalledme"Butch"becauseIplayedagoodgameandignoredthem.TheKittenlookedatmefrombetweenhisbigears.Ispitontheplate,duginandwavedmybat.TheKittennoddedlikehewasgettingasignalfromthecatcher.Hewasjustshowboating.Thenhelookedaroundtheinfield.Moreshowboating.Itwasforthebenefitofthegirls.Hecouldn'tkeephispecker-mindoffofsnatch-thoughts.Hetookhiswind-up.Iwatchedthatballinhislefthand.Myeyesneverleftthatball.Ihadlearnedthesecret.Youconcentratedontheballandfolloweditallthewayinuntilitreachedtheplateandthenyoumurdereditwiththewood.Iwatchedtheballleavehisfingersthroughablazeofsun.Itwasamurderoushummingblur,butitcouldbehad.Itwasbelowmykneesandfaroutofthestrikezone.Hiscatcherhadtodivetogetit."Ballone,"mumbledtheoldneighborhoodfartwhoumpiredourgames.Hewasanightwatchmaninadepartmentstoreandhelikedtotalktothegirls."Igottwodaughtersathomejustlikeyougirls.Realcute.Theyweartightdressestoo."Helikedtocrouchovertheplateandshowthemhisbigbuttocks,that'sallhehad,thatandonegoldtooth.ThecatcherthrewtheballbacktoKittenFloss."Hey,Pussy!"Iyelledouttohim."Youtalkin'tome?""I'mtalkingtoyou,short-arm.YougottacomecloserthanthatorI'llhavetocallacab.""Thenextoneisallyours,"hetoldme."Good,"Isaid.Idugin.Hewentthroughhisroutineagain,noddinglikehewasgettingasign,checkingtheinfield.Thosegreeneyesstaredatmethroughthatdirtybrownhair.Iwatchedhimwind-up.Isawtheballleave 103hisfingers,adarkfleckagainsttheskyinthesunandthensuddenlyitwaszoomingtowardmyskull.Idroppedinmytracks,feelingitbrushthehairofmyhead."Strikeone,"mumbledtheoldfart."What?"Iyelled.Thecatcherwasstillholdingtheball.HewasassurprisedatthecallasIwas.Itooktheballfromhimandshowedittotheumpire."What'sthis?"Iaskedhim."It'sabaseball.""Fine.Rememberwhatitlookslike."Itooktheballandwalkedouttothemound.Thegreeneyesdidn'tflinchunderthedirtyhair.Butthemouthopenedupjustabit,likeafrogsuckingair.IwalkeduptoKitten."Idon'tswingwithmyhead.ThenexttimeyoudothatIamgoingtojamthisthingrightupthroughyourshortsandpastwhereyouforgettowipe."Ihandedhimtheballandwalkedbacktotheplate.Iduginandwavedmybat."Oneandone,"saidtheoldfart.Flosskickeddirtaroundonthemound.Hestaredoffintoleftfield.Therewasnothingoutthereexceptastarvingdogscratchinghisear.Flosslookedinforasign.Hewasthinkingofthegirls,tryingtolookgood.Theoldfartcrouchedlow,spreadinghisdumbbuttocks,alsotryingtolookgood.Iwasprobablyoneofthefewwithhismindonthebusinessathand.Thetimecame,KittenFlosswentintohiswind-up.Thatlefthandwindmillcouldpanicyouifyouletit.Youhadtobepatientandwaitfortheball.Finallytheyhadtoletitgo.Thenitwasyourstodestroyandthehardertheythrewitintheharderyoucouldhititoutofthere.Isawtheballleavehisfingersasoneofthegirlsscreamed.Flosshadn'tlosthiszip.Theballlookedlikeabee-bee,onlyitgotlargeranditwasheadedrightformyskullagain.AllIknewwasthatIwastryingtofindthedirtasfastasIcould.Igotamouthful."SEERIKETWO!"Iheardtheoldfartyell.Hecouldn'tevenpronouncetheword.Getamanwhoworksfornothingandyougetamanwhojustlikestohangaround.Igotupandbrushedthedirtoff.Itwasevendowninmyshorts.Mymotherwasgoingtoaskme,"Henry,howdidyouevergetyourshortssodirty?Nowdon'tmakethatface.Smile,andbehappy!"Iwalkedtothemound.Istoodrightthere.Nobodysaidanything.IjustlookedatKitten.Ihadthebatinmyhand.Itookthebatbytheendandpresseditagainsthisnose.Heslappeditaway.Iturnedandwalkedbacktowardtheplate.HalfwaythereIstopped.Iturnedandstaredathimagain.ThenIwalkedtotheplate.Iduginandwavedmybat.Thisonewasgoingtobemine.TheKittenpeeredinforthenon-existentsign.Helookedalongtime,thenshookhishead,no.Hekeptstaringthroughthatdirtyhairwiththosegreeneyes.Iwavedmybatmorepowerfully."Hititout,Butch!"screamedoneofthegirls."Batch!Batch!Batch!"screamedanothergirl.ThentheKittenturnedhisbackonusandjuststaredoutintocenterfield."Time,"Isaidandsteppedoutofthebox.Therewasaverycutegirlinanorangedress.Herhairwasblondandithungstraightdown,likeayellowwaterfall,beautiful,andIcaughthereyeforamomentandshesaid,"Butch,pleasedoit.""Shutup,"Isaidandsteppedbackintothebox.Thepitchcame.Isawitalltheway.Itwasmypitch.Unfortunately,Iwaslookingfortheduster.IwantedthedustersoIcouldgoouttothemoundandkillorbekilled.Theballsailedrightoverthecenteroftheplate.BythetimeIadjustedthebestIcoulddowasswingweaklyoverthetopofitasitwentby.Thebastardhadsuckeredmealltheway. 104Hegotmeonthreestraightstrikesnexttime.Iswearhemusthavebeenatleast23yearsold.Probablyasemi-pro.Oneofourguysfinallydidgetasingleoffhim.ButIwasgoodinthefield.Imadesomecatches.Imovedoutthere.IknewthatthemoreIsawoftheKitten'sfireballthemoreIwasapttosolveit.Hewasn'ttryingtoknockoutmybrainsanymore.Hedidn'thaveto.Hewasjustsmokingthemdownthemiddle.IhopeditwasonlyamatteroftimebeforeIgolfedoneoutofthere.Butthingsgotworseandworse.Ididn'tlikeit.Thegirlsdidn'teither.Notonlywasgreeneyesgreatonthemound,hewasgreatattheplate.Thefirsttwotimesuphehitahomerandadouble.ThethirdtimeupheswungunderapitchandloopedahighblooperbetweenAbeatsecondbaseandmeincenterfield.Icamechargingin,thegirlsscreaming,butAbekeptlookingupandbackoverhisshoulder,hismouthdroopingdown,lookingup,lookinglikeafoolreally,thatwetmouthopen.Icamecharginginscreaming,"It'smine!"ItwasreallyhisbutsomehowIcouldn'tbeartolethimmakethecatch.Theguywasnothingbutanidiotbook-readerandIdidn'treallylikehimsoIcamecharginginveryhardastheballdropped.Wecrashedintooneanother,theballpoppedoutofhisgloveandintotheairashefelltotheground,andIcaughttheballoffhisglove.Istoodthereoverhimashelayontheground."Getup,youdumbbastard,"Itoldhim.Abestayedontheground.Hewascrying.Hewasholdinghisleftarm."Ithinkmyarmisbroken,"hesaid."Getup,chickenshit."Abefinallygotupandwalkedofftheheld,cryingandholdinghisarm.Ilookedaround."Allright,"Isaid,"let'splayball!"Buteverybodywaswalkingaway,eventhegirls.Thegamewasevidentlyover.IhungaroundawhileandthenIstartedwalkinghome...Justbeforedinnerthephonerang.Mymotheransweredit.Hervoicebecameveryexcited.ShehungupandIheardhertalkingtomyfather.Thenshecameintomybedroom."Pleasecometothefrontroom,"shesaid.Iwalkedinandsatonthecouch.Theyeachhadachair.Itwasalwaysthatway.Chairsmeantyoubelonged.Thecouchwasforvisitors."Mrs.Mortensonjustphoned.They'vetakenx-rays.Youbrokeherson'sarm.""Itwasanaccident,"Isaid."Shesayssheisgoingtosueus.She'llgetaJewishlawyer.They'lltakeeverythingwehave.""Wedon'thaveverymuch."Mymotherwasoneofthosesilentcriers.Asshecriedthetearscamefasterandfaster.Hercheekswerestartingtoglistenintheeveningtwilight.Shewipedhereyes.Theywereadulllightbrown."Whydidyoubreakthatboy'sarm?""Itwasapop-up.Webothwentforit.""Whatisthis'pop-up'?""Whoevergetsit,getsit.""Soyougotthe'pop-up'?""Yes.""Buthowcanthis'pop-up'helpus?TheJewishlawyerwillstillhavethebrokenarmonhisside."Igotupandwalkedbacktomybedroomtowaitfordinner.Myfatherhadn'tsaidanything.Hewasconfused.Hewasworriedaboutlosingwhatlittlehehadbutatthesametimehewasveryproudofasonwhocouldbreaksomebody'sarm. 10543JimmyHatcherworkedparttimeinagrocerystore.Whilenoneofuscouldgetjobshecouldalwaysgetone.Hehadhislittlemoviestarfaceandhismotherhadagreatbody.Withhisfaceandherbodyhedidn'thavetroublefindingemployment."Whydon'tyoucomeuptotheapartmentafterdinnertonight?"heaskedmeoneday."Whatfor?""IstealallthebeerIwant.Itakeitouttheback.Wecandrinkthebeer.""Whereyougotit?""Intherefrigerator.""Showme."Wewereaboutablockawayfromhisplace.Wewalkedover.InthehallwayJimmysaid,"Waitaminute,I'vegottocheckthemail."Hetookouthiskeyandopenedthelockbox.Itwasempty.Helockeditagain."Mykeyopensthiswoman'sbox.Watch."Jimmyopenedtheboxandpulledoutaletterandopenedit.Hereadthelettertome."DearBetty:Iknowthatthischeckislateandthatyou'vebeenwaitingforit.Ilostmyjob.Ihavefoundanotherone,butitputmebehind.Here'sthecheck,finally.Ihopethateverythingisallrightwithyou.Love,Don."Jimmytookthecheckandlookedatit.Hetoreitupandhetoretheletterupandheputthepiecesinhiscoatpocket.Thenhelockedthemailbox."Comeon."Wewentintohisapartmentandintothekitchenandheopenedtherefrigerator.Itwaspackedwithcansofbeer."Doesyourmotherknow?""Sure.Shedrinksit."Heclosedtherefrigerator."Jim,didyourfatherreallyblowhisbrainsoutbecauseofyourmother?""Yeah.Hewasonthetelephone.Hetoldherhehadagun.Hesaid.Ifyoudon'tcomebacktomeI'mgoingtokillmyself.Willyoucomebacktome?'Andmymothersaid,'No.'Therewasashotandthatwasthat.""Whatdidyourmotherdo?""Shehungup.""Allright,I'llseeyoutonight."ItoldmyparentsthatIwasgoingovertoJimmy'stodosomehomeworkwithhim.Mykindofhomework,Ithoughttomyself."Jimmy'saniceboy,"mymothersaid.Myfatherdidn'tsayanything.Jimmygotthebeeroutandwebegan.Ireallylikedit.Jimmy'smotherworkedatabaruntil2a.m.Wehadtheplacetoourselves."Yourmotherreallyhasabody,Jim.Howcomesomewomenhavegreatbodiesandmostoftheotherslooklikethey'redeformed?Whycan'tallwomenhavegreatbodies?""God,Idon'tknow.Maybeifwomenwereallthesamewe'dgetboredwiththem.""Drinksomemore.Youdrinktooslow.""O.K.""MaybeafterafewbeersI'llbeattheshitoutofyou.""We'refriends,Hank.""Idon'thaveanyfriends.Drinkup!""Allright.What'sthehurry?""You'vegottoslamthemdowntogettheeffect."Weopenedsomemorecansofbeer."IfIwasawomanI'dgoaroundwithmyskirthikedupgivingallthemenhard-ons,"Jimmysaid."Youmakemesick.""Mymotherknewaguywhodrankherpiss.""What?""Yeah.They'ddrinkallnightandthenhe'dlaydowninthebathtubandshe'dpissinhismouth.Thenhe'dgivehertwenty-fivedollars.""Shetoldyouthat?" 106"Sincemyfatherdiedsheconfidesinme.It'slikeI'vetakenhisplace.""Youmean...?""Oh,no.Shejustconfides.""Liketheguyinthetub?""Yeah,likehim.""Tellmesomemorestuff.""No.""Comeon,drinkup.Doesanybodyeatyourmother'sshit?""Don'ttalkthatway."Ifinishedthecanofbeerinmyhandandthrewitacrosstheroom."Ilikethisjoint.Imightmoveinhere."Iwalkedtotherefrigeratorandbroughtbackanewsix-pack."I'monetoughson-of-a-bitch,"Isaid."You'reluckyIletyouhangaroundme.""We'refriends,Hank."Ijammedacanofbeerunderhisnose."Here,drinkthis!"Iwenttothebathroomtopiss.Itwasaveryladylikebathroom,brightlycoloredtowels,deeppinkfloormats.Eventhetoiletseatwaspink.ShesatherbigwhiteassonthereandhernamewasClare.Ilookedatmyvirgincock."I'maman,"Isaid."Icanwhipanybody'sass.""Ineedthebathroom,Hank..."Jimwasatthedoor.Hewentintothebathroom.Iheardhimpuking."Ah,shit..."Isaidandopenedanewcanofbeer.Afterafewminutes,Jimcameoutandsatinachair.Helookedverypale.Istuckacanofbeerunderhisnose."Drinkup!Beaman!Youweremanenoughtostealit,nowbemanenoughtodrinkit!""Justletmerestawhile.""Drinkit!"Isatdownonthecouch.Gettingdrunkwasgood.IdecidedthatIwouldalwayslikegettingdrunk.Ittookawaytheobviousandmaybeifyoucouldgetawayfromtheobviousoftenenough,youwouldn'tbecomeobviousyourself.IlookedoveratJimmy."Drinkup,punk."Ithrewmyemptybeercanacrosstheroom."Tellmesomemoreaboutyourmother,Jimmyboy.Whatdidshesayaboutthemanwhodrankherpissinthebathtub?""Shesaid,'There'sasuckerborneveryminute.'""Jim.""Uh?""Drinkup.Beaman!"Heliftedhisbeercan.ThenherantothebathroomandIheardhimpukingagain.Hecameoutafterawhileandsatinhischair.Hedidn'tlookwell."I'vegottolaydown,"hesaid."Jimmy,"Isaid,"I'mgoingtowaitarounduntilyourmothercomeshome."Jimmygotupfromhischairandstartedwalkingtowardthebedroom."WhenshecomeshomeI'mgoingtofuckher,Jimmy."Hedidn'thearme.Hejustwalkedintothebedroom.Iwentintothekitchenandcamebackwithmorebeer.IsatanddrankthebeerandwaitedforClare.Wherewasthatwhore?Icouldn'tallowthiskindofthing.Iranatightship.Igotupandwalkedintothebedroom.Jimwasfacedownonthebed,allhisclotheson,hisshoeson.Iwalkedbackout.Well,itwasobviousthatboyhadnobellyforbooze.Clareneededaman.Isatdownandopenedanothercanofbeer.Itookagoodhit.Ifoundapackofcigarettesonthecoffeetableandlitone.Idon'tknowhowmanymorebeersIdrankwaitingforClarebutfinallyIheardthekeyinthedooranditopened.TherewasClareofthebodyandthebrightblondhair.Thatbodystoodonthosehighheelsanditswayedjustalittle.Noartistcouldhaveimagineditbetter.Eventhewallsstaredather,thelampshades,thechairs,therug.Magic.Standingthere... 107."Whothehellareyou?Whatisthis?""Clare,we'vemet.I'mHank.Jimmy'sfriend.""Getoutofhere!"Ilaughed."I'mmovin'in,baby,it'syouandme!""Where'sJimmy?"Sheranintothebedroom,thencamebackout."Youlittleprick!What'sgoingonhere?"Ipickedupacigarette,litit.Igrinned."You'rebeautifulwhenyou'reangry...""You'renothingbutagod-damnedlittlekiddrunkonbeer.Gohome.""Sitdown,baby.Haveabeer."Claresatdown.Iwasverysurprisedwhenshedidthat."YougotoChelsey,don'tyou?"sheasked."Yeah.JimandIarebuddies.""You'reHank.""Yes.""He'stoldmeaboutyou."IhandedClareacanofbeer.Myhandshook."Here,haveadrink,baby."Sheopenedthebeerandtookasip.IlookedatClare,liftedmybeerandhadahit.Shewasplentyofwoman,aMaeWesttype,worethesamekindoftight-fittinggown--bighips,biglegs.Andbreasts.Startlingbreasts.Clarecrossedherwondrouslegs,abitofskirtfallingback.Herlegswerefullandgoldenandthestockingsfitlikeskin."I'vemetyourmother,"shesaid.Idrainedmycanofbeerandputitdownbymyfeet.Iopenedanewone,tookasip,thenlookedather,notknowingwhethertolookatherbreastsoratherlegsorintohertiredface."I'msorrythatIgotyoursondrunk.ButI'vegottotellyousomething."Sheturnedherhead,lightingacigaretteasshedidso,thenfacedmeagain."Yes?""Clare,Iloveyou."Shedidn'tlaugh.Shejustgavemealittlesmile,thecornersofhermouthturningupalittle."Poorboy.You'renothingbutalittlechickenjustoutoftheegg."Itwastruehutitangeredme.Maybebecauseitwastrue.Thedreamandthebeerwantedittobesomethingelse.Itookanotherdrinkandlookedatherandsaid,"Cuttheshit.Liftyourskirt.Showmesomeleg.Showmesomeflank.""You'rejustaboy."ThenIsaidit.Idon'tknowwherethewordscamefrom,butIsaidit,"Icouldtearyouinhalf,baby,ifyougavemethechance.""Yeah?""Yeah.""Allright.Let'ssee."Thenshedidit.Justlikethat.Sheuncrossedherlegsandpulledherskirtback.Shedidn'thaveonpanties.Isawherhugewhiteupperflanks,riversofflesh.Therewasalargeprotrudingwartontheinsideofherleftthigh.Andtherewasajungleoftangledhairbetweenherlegs,butitwasnotbrightyellowlikethehaironherhead,itwasbrownandshotwithgrey,oldlikesomesickbushdying,lifelessandsad.Istoodup."I'vegottogo,Mrs.Hatcher.""Christ,Ithoughtyouwantedtoparty!""Notwithyoursonintheotherroom,Mrs.Hatcher.""Don'tworryabouthim,Hank.He'spassedout.""No,Mrs.Hatcher,I'vereallygottogo.""Allright,getoutofhereyougod-damnedlittlepiss-ant!"Iclosedthedoorbehindmeandwalkeddownthehalloftheapartmentbuildingandoutintothestreet.Tothink,somebodyhadsuicidedforthat.Thenightsuddenlylookedgood.Iwalkedalongtowardmyparents'house. 10844Icouldseetheroadaheadofme.IwaspoorandIwasgoingtostaypoor.ButIdidn'tparticularlywantmoney.Ididn'tknowwhatIwanted.Yes,Idid.Iwantedsomeplacetohideout,someplacewhereonedidn'thavetodoanything.Thethoughtofbeingsomethingdidn'tonlyappallme,itsickenedme.Thethoughtofbeingalawyeroracouncilmanoranengineer,anythinglikethat,seemedimpossibletome.Togetmarried,tohavechildren,togettrappedinthefamilystructure.Togosomeplacetoworkeverydayandtoreturn.Itwasimpossible.Todothings,simplethings,tobepartoffamilypicnics,Christmas,the4thofJuly,LaborDay,Mother'sDay...wasamanbornjusttoendurethosethingsandthendie?Iwouldratherbeadishwasher,returnalonetoatinyroomanddrinkmyselftosleep.Myfatherhadamasterplan.Hetoldme,"Myson,eachmanduringhislifetimeshouldbuyahouse.Finallyhediesandleavesthathousetohisson.Thenhissongetshisownhouseanddies,leavesbothhousestohisson.That'stwohouses.Thatsongetshisownhouse,that'sthreehouses..."Thefamilystructure.Victoryoveradversitythroughthefamily.Hebelievedinit.Takethefamily,mixwithGodandCountry,addtheten-hourdayandyouhadwhatwasneeded.Ilookedatmyfather,athishands,hisface,hiseyebrows,andIknewthatthismanhadnothingtodowithme.Hewasastranger.Mymotherwasnon-existent.Iwascursed.LookingatmyfatherIsawnothingbutindecentdullness.Worse,hewasevenmoreafraidtofailthanmostothers.Centuriesofpeasantbloodandpeasanttraining.TheChinaskibloodlinehadbeenthinnedbyaseriesofpeasant-servantswhohadsurrenderedtheirreallivesforfractionalandillusionarygains.Notamaninthelinewhosaid,"Idon'twantahouse,Iwantathousandhouses,now!"Hehadsentmetothatrichhighschoolhopingthattheruler'sattitudewouldruboffonmeasIwatchedtherichboysscreechupintheircream-coloredcoupesandpickupthegirlsinbrightdresses.InsteadIlearnedthatthepoorusuallystaypoor.Thattheyoungrichsmellthestinkofthepoorandlearntofinditabitamusing.Theyhadtolaugh,otherwiseitwouldbetooterrifying.They'dlearnedthat,throughthecenturies.Iwouldneverforgivethegirlsforgettingintothosecream-coloredcoupeswiththelaughingboys.Theycouldn'thelpit,ofcourse,yetyoualwaysthink,maybe...Butno,thereweren'tanymaybes.Wealthmeantvictoryandvictorywastheonlyreality.Whatwomanchoosestolivewithadishwasher?ThroughouthighschoolItriednottothinktoomuchabouthowthingsmighteventuallyturnoutforme.Itseemedbettertodelaythinking...FinallyitwasthedayoftheSeniorProm.Itwasheldinthegirls'gymwithlivemusic,arealband.Idon'tknowwhybutIwalkedoverthatnight,thetwo-and-one-halfmilesfrommyparents'place.IstoodoutsideinthedarkandIlookedinthere,throughthewire-coveredwindow,andIwasastonished.Allthegirlslookedverygrown-up,stately,lovely,theywereinlongdresses,andtheyalllookedbeautiful.Ialmostdidn'trecognizethem.Andtheboysintheirtuxes,theylookedgreat,theydancedsostraight,eachofthemholdingagirlinhisarms,theirfacespressedagainstthegirl'shair.Theyalldancedbeautifullyandthemusicwasloudandclearandgood,powerful.ThenIcaughtaglimpseofmyreflectionstaringinatthem--boilsandscarsonmyface,myraggedshirt.Iwaslikesomejungleanimaldrawntothelightandlookingin.WhyhadIcome?Ifeltsick.ButIkeptwatching.Thedanceended.Therewasapause.Couplesspokeeasilytoeachother.Itwasnaturalandcivilized. 109Wherehadtheylearnedtoconverseandtodance?Icouldn'tconverseordance.EverybodyknewsomethingIdidn'tknow.Thegirlslookedsogood,theboyssohandsome.Iwouldbetooterrifiedtoevenlookatoneofthosegirls,letalonebeclosetoone.Tolookintohereyesordancewithherwouldbebeyondme.AndyetIknewthatwhatIsawwasn'tassimpleandgoodasitappeared.Therewasapricetobepaidforitall,ageneralfalsity,thatcouldheeasilybelieved,andcouldbethefirststepdownadead-endstreet.Thebandbegantoplayagainandtheboysandgirlsbegantodanceagainandthelightsrevolvedoverheadthrowingshadesofgold,thenred,thenblue,thengreen,thengoldagainonthecouples.AsIwatchedthemIsaidtomyself,somedaymydancewillbegin.WhenthatdaycomesIwillhavesomethingthattheydon'thave.Butthenitgottobetoomuchforme.Ihatedthem.Ihatedtheirbeauty,theiruntroubledyouth,andasIwatchedthemdancethroughthemagiccoloredpoolsoflight,holdingeachother,feelingsogood,littleunscathedchildren,temporarilyinluck,IhatedthembecausetheyhadsomethingIhadnotyethad,andIsaidtomyself,Isaidtomyselfagain,somedayIwillbeashappyasanyofyou,youwillsee.Theykeptdancing,andIrepeatedittothem.Thentherewasasoundbehindme."Hey!Whatareyoudoing?"Itwasanoldmanwithaflashlight.Hehadaheadlikeafrog'shead."I'mwatchingthedance."Heheldtheflashlightrightupunderhisnose.Hiseyeswereroundandlarge,theygleamedlikeacat'seyesinthemoonlight,Buthismouthwasshriveled,collapsed,andhisheadwasround.Ithadapeculiarsenselessroundnessthatremindedmeofapumpkintryingtoplaypundit."Getyourassoutofhere!"Herantheflashlightupanddownalloverme."Whoareyou?"Iasked."I'mthenightcustodian.GetyourassoutofherebeforeIcallthecops!""Whatfor?ThisistheSeniorFromandI'masenior."Heflashedhislightintomyface.Thehandwasplaying"DeepPurple.""Bullshit!"hesaid."You'reatleast22yearsold!""I'mintheyearbook,Classof1939,graduatingclass,HenryChinaski.""Whyaren'tyouintheredancing?""Forgetit.I'mgoinghome.""Dothat."Iwalkedoff.Ikeptwalking.Hisflashlightleapedonthepath,thelightfollowingme.Iwalkedoffcampus.Itwasanicewarmnight,almosthot.IthoughtIsawsomefirefliesbutIwasn'tsure. 11045GraduationDay.Wefiledinwithourcapsandgownsto"PompandCircumstance."Isupposethatinourthreeyearswemusthavelearnedsomething.Ourabilitytospellhadprobablyimprovedandwehadgrowninsize.Iwasstillavirgin."Hey,Henry,youbustedyourcherryyet?""Noway,"I'dsay.JimmyHatchersatnexttome.Theprincipalwasgivinghisaddressandreallyscrapingthebottomoftheoldshitbarrel."AmericaisthegreatlandofOpportunityandanymanorwomanwithadesiretodosowillsucceed...""Dishwasher,"Isaid."Dogcatcher,"saidJimmy."Burglar,"Isaid."Garbagecollector,"saidJimmy."Madhouseattendant,"Isaid."Americaisbrave,Americawasbuiltbythebrave...Oursisajustsociety.""Justsomuchforthefew,"saidJimmy."...afairsocietyandallthosewhosearchforthatdreamattheendoftherainbowwilland...""Ahairycrawlingturd,"Isuggested."...andIcansay,withouthesitation,thatthisparticularClassofSummer1939,lessthanadecaderemovedfromthebeginningofourterriblenationalDepression,thisclassofSummer'39ismoreripewithcourage,talentandlovethananyclassithasbeenmypleasuretowitness!"Themothers,fathers,relativesapplaudedwildly;afewofthestudentsjoinedin."ClassofSummer1939,Iamproudofyourfuture,Iamsureofyourfuture.Isendyououtnowtoyourgreatadventure!"MostofthemwereheadedovertoU.S.C.tolivethenon-workinglifeforatleastfourmoreyears."AndIsendmyprayersandblessingswithyou!"Thehonorstudentsreceivedtheirdiplomasfirst.Outtheycame.AbeMortensonwascalled.Hegothis.Iapplauded."Where'shegonnaendup?"Jimmyasked."Costaccountantinanautopartsmanufacturingconcern.SomewherenearGardena,California.""Alifetimejob..."saidJimmy."Alifetimewife,"Iadded."Abewillneverbemiserable...""Orhappy.""Anobedientman...""Abroom.""Astiff...""Awimp."Whenthehonorstudentshadbeentakencareoftheybeganonus.Ifeltuncomfortablesittingthere.Ifeltlikewalkingout."HenryChinaski!"Iwascalled."Publicservant,"ItoldJimmy.Iwalkeduptoandacrossthestage,tookthediploma,shooktheprincipal'shand.Itfeltslimyliketheinsideofadirtyfishbowl.(Twoyearslaterhewouldbeexposedasanembezzlerofschoolfunds;hewastobetried,convictedandjailed.)IpassedMortensonandthehonorgroupasIwentbacktomyseat.Helookedoverandgavemethefinger,soonlyIcouldseeit.Thatgotme.Itwassounexpected.IwalkedbackandsatdownnexttoJimmy."Mortensongavemethefinger!""No,Idon'tbelieveit!"'Son-of-a-bitch!He'sspoiledmyday!Notthatitwasworthafuckanyhowbuthe'sreallygreaseditovernow!" 111Ican'tbelievehehadthegutstofingeryou.""It'snotlikehim.Youthinkhe'sgettingsomecoaching?""Idon'tknowwhattothink.""HeknowsthatIcanbusthiminhalfwithouteveninhaling!""Busthim!""Butdon'tyousee,he'swon?It'sthewayhesurprisedme!""Allyougottadoiskickhisassallupanddown.""Doyouthinkthatson-of-a-bitchlearnedsomethingreadingallthosebooks?Iknowthere'snothinginthembecauseIreadeveryfourthpage.""JimmyHatcher!"Hisnamewascalled."Priest,"hesaid."Poultryfarmer,"Isaid.Jimmywentupandgothis.Iapplaudedloudly.Anybodywhocouldlivewithamotherlikehisdeservedsomeaccolade.Hecamebackandwesatwatchingallthegoldenboysandgirlsgoupandgettheirs."Youcan'tblamethemforbeingrich,"Jimmysaid."No,Iblametheirfuckingparents.""Andtheirgrandparents,"saidJimmy."Yes,I'dbehappytotaketheirnewcarsandtheirprettygirlfriendsandIwouldn'tgiveafuckaboutanythinglikesocialjustice.""Yeah,"saidJimmy."Iguesstheonlytimemostpeoplethinkaboutinjusticeiswhenithappenstothem."Thegoldenboysandgirlswentonparadingacrossthestage.IsattherewonderingwhethertopunchAbeoutornot.Icouldseehimfloppingonthesidewalkstillinhiscapandgown,thevictimofmyrightcross,alltheprettygirlsscreaming,thinking,mygod,thisChinaskiguymustbeabullonthesprings!Ontheotherhand,Abewasn'tmuch.Hewashardlythere.Itwouldn'ttakeanythingtopunchhimout.Idecidednottodoit.Ihadalreadybrokenhisarmandhisparentshadn'tsuedmine,finally.IfIbustedhisheadtheywouldsurelygoaheadandsue.Theywouldtakemyoldman'slastcopper.NotthatIwouldmind.Itwasmymother:shewouldsufferinafool'sway:senselesslyandwithoutreason.Then,theceremonywasover.Thestudentslefttheirseatsandfiledout.Studentsmetwithparents,relativesonthefrontlawn.Therewasmuchbugging,embracing.Isawmyparentswaiting.Iwalkeduptothem,stoodaboutfourfeetaway."Let'sgetoutofhere,"Isaid.Mymotherwaslookingatme."Henry,I'msoproudofyou!"Thenmymother'sheadturned."Oh,theregoesAbeandhisparents!They'resuchnicepeople!Oh,Mrs.Mortenson!"Theystopped.MymotherranoverandthrewherarmsaboutMrs.Mortenson.ItwasMrs.Mortensonwhohaddecidednottosueaftermany,manyhoursofconversationuponthetelephonewithmymother.IthadbeendecidedthatIwasaconfusedindividualandthatmymotherhadsufferedenoughthatway.MyfathershookhandswithMr.MortensonandIwalkedovertoAbe."O.K.,cocksucker,what'stheideaofgivingmethefinger?""What?""Thefinger.""Idon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout!""Thefinger.'""Henry,Ireallydon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout!""Allright,Abraham,it'stimetogo!"saidhismother.TheMortensonfamilywalkedofftogether.Istoodtherewatchingthem.Thenwestartedwalkingtoouroldcar.Wewalkedwesttothecornerandturnedsouth."NowthatMortensonboyreallyknowshowtoapplyhimself!"saidmyfather."Howareyouevergoingtomakeit?I'veneverevenseenyoulookataschoolbook,letaloneinsideofone!""Somebooksarcdull,"Isaid."Oh,they'redull,arethey?Soyoudon'twanttostudy?Whatcanyoudo?Whatgoodareyou?Whatcanyoudo?Ithascostmethousandsofdollarstoraiseyou,feedyou,clotheyou!SupposeIleftyouhereonthestreet?Thenwhatwouldyoudo?""Catchbutterflies." 112Mymotherbegantocry.Myfatherpulledherawayanddowntheblocktowheretheirten-year-oldcarwasparked.AsIstoodthere,theotherfamiliesroaredpastintheirnewcars,goingsomewhere.ThenJimmyHatcherandhismotherwalkedby.Shestopped."Hey,waitaminute,"shetoldTimmy,"IwanttocongratulateHenry."JimmywaitedandClarewalkedover.Sheputherfaceclosetomine.ShespokesoftlysoJimmywouldn'thear."Listen,Honey,anytimeyoureallywanttograduate,Icanarrangetogiveyouyourdiploma.""Thanks,Clare,Imightbeseeingyou.""I'llripyourballsoff,Henry!""Idon'tdoubtit,Clare."ShewentbacktoJimmyandtheywalkedawaydownthestreet.Averyoldcarrolledup,stopped,theenginedied.Icouldseemymotherweeping,bigtearswererunningdownhercheeks."Henry,getin!Pleasegetin!YourfatherisrightbutIloveyou!""Forgetit.I'vegotaplacetogo.""No,Henry,getin!"shewailed."GetinorI'lldie!"Iwalkedover,openedthereardoor,climbedintotherearseat.Theenginestartedandwewereoffagain.ThereIsat,HenryChinaski,ClassofSummer'39,drivingintothebrightfuture.No,beingdriven.Atthefirstredlightthecarstalled.Asthesignalturnedgreenmyfatherwasstilltryingtostarttheengine.Somebodybehindushooked.Myfathergotthecarstartedandwewereinmotionagain.Mymotherhadstoppedcrying.Wedrovealonglikethat,eachofussilent. 11346Timeswerestillhard.NobodywasanymoresurprisedthanIwhenMears-StarbuckphonedandaskedmetoreporttoworkthenextMonday.Ihadgoneallaroundtownputtingindozensofapplications.Therewasnothingelsetodo.Ididn'twantajobbutIdidn'twanttolivewithmyparentseither.Mears-Starbuckmusthavehadthousandsofapplicationsonhand.Icouldn'tbelievetheyhadchosenme.Itwasadepartmentstorewithbranchesinmanycities.ThenextMonday,thereIwaswalkingtoworkwithmylunchinabrownpaperbag.Thedepartmentstorewasonlyafewblocksawayfrommyformerhighschool.Istilldidn'tunderstandwhyIhadbeenselected.Afterfillingouttheapplication,theinterviewhadlastedonlyafewminutes.Imusthavegivenalltherightanswers.FirstpaycheckIget,Ithought,I'mgoingtogetmyselfaroomnearthedowntownL.A.PublicLibrary.AsIwalkedalongIdidn'tfeelsoaloneandIwasn't.Inoticedastarvingmongreldogfollowingme.Thepoorcreaturewasterriblythin;Icouldseehisribspokingthroughhisskin.Mostofhisfurhadfallenoff.Whatremainedclungindry,twistedpatches.Thedogwasbeaten,cowed,deserted,frightened,avictimofHomosapiens.Istoppedandknelt,putoutmyhand.Hebackedoff."Comehere,fellow,I'myourfriend...Comeon,comeon..."Hecamecloser.Hehadsuchsadeyes."Whathavetheydonetoyou,boy?"Hecamestillcloser,creepingalongthesidewalk,trembling,wagginghistailquiterapidly.Thenheleapedatme.Hewaslarge,whatwasleftofhim.HisforelegspushedmebackwardsandIwasflatonthesidewalkandhewaslickingmyface,mouth,ears,forehead,everywhere.Ipushedhimoff,gotupandwipedmyface."Easynow!Youneedsomethingtoeat!FOOD!"Ireachedintomybagandtookoutasandwich.Iunwrappeditandbrokeoffaportion."Someforyouandsomeforme,oldboy!"Iputhispartofthesandwichonthesidewalk.Hecameup,sniffedatit,thenwalkedoff,slinking,staringbackatmeoverhisshoulderashewalkeddownthestreetawayfromme."Hey,wait,buddy!Thatwaspeanutbutter!Comehere,havesomebologna!Hey,boy,comehere!Comeback!"Thedogapproachedagain,cautiously.Ifoundthebolognasandwich,rippedoffachunk,wipedthecheapwaterymustardoff,thenplaceditonthesidewalk.Ihedogwalkeduptothebitofsandwich,puthisnosetoit,sniffed,thenturnedandwalkedoff.Thistimehedidn'tlookback.Heaccelerateddownthestreet.NowonderIhadbeendepressedallmylife.Iwasn'tgettingpropernourishment.Iwalkedontowardthedepartmentstore.ItwasthesamestreetIhadwalkedalongtogotohighschool.Iarrived.Ifoundtheemployees'entrance,pushedthedooropenandwalkedin.Iwentfrombrightsunlightintosemi-darkness.AsmyeyesadjustedIcouldmakeoutamanstandingseveralfeetawayinfrontofme.Halfofhisleftearhadbeenslicedoffatsomepointinthepast.Hewasatall,verythinmanwithneedlepointgreypupilscenteredinotherwisecolorlesseyes.Averytallthinman,yetrightabovehisbelt,stickingoutoverhisbelt--suddenly--wasasadandhideousandstrangepotbelly.Allhisfathadsettledtherewhiletheremainderofhimhadwastedaway."I'mSuperintendentFerris,"hesaid."Ipresumethatyou'reMr.Chinaski?""Yes,sir.""You'refiveminuteslate." 114"Iwasdelayedby...Well,Istoppedtotrytofeedastarvingdog,"Igrinned."That'soneofthelousiestexcusesI'veeverheardandI'vebeenherethirty-fiveyears.Couldn'tyoucomeupwithabetteronethanthat?""I'mjuststarting,Mr.Ferris.""Andyou'realmostfinished.Now,"hepointed,"thetime-clockisoverthereandthecardrackisoverthere.Findyourcardandpunchin."Ifoundmycard.HenryChinaski,employee#68754.ThenIwalkeduptothetimeclockbutIdidn'tknowwhattodo.Ferriswalkedoverandstoodbehindme,staringatthetime-clock."You'renowsixminuteslate.Whenyouaretenminuteslatewedockyouanhour.""Iguessit'sbettertobeanhourlate.""Don'tbefunny.IfIwantacomedianIlistentoJackBenny.Ifyou'reanhourlateyou'redockedyourwholegod-damnedjob.""I'msorry,butIdon'tknowhowtouseatimeclock.Imean,howdoIpunchin?"Ferrisgrabbedthecardoutofmyhand.Hepointedatit."Seethisslot?""Yeah.""What?""Imean,'yes.'""O.K.,thatslotisforthefirstdayoftheweek.Today.""Ah.""Youslipthetimecardintoherelikethis..."Heslippeditin,thenpulleditout."Thenwhenyourtimecardisinthereyouhitthislever."Ferrishittheleverbutthetimecardwasn'tinthere."Iunderstand.Let'sbegin.""No,wait."Heheldthetimecardinfrontofme."Now,whenyoupunchoutforlunch,youhitthisslot.""Yes,Iunderstand.""Thenwhenyoupunchbackin,youhitthenextslot.Lunchisthirtyminutes.""Thirtyminutes,I'vegotit.""Now,whenyoupunchout,youhitthelastslot.That'sfourpunchesaday.Thenyougohome,ortoyourroomorwherever,sleep,comebackandhititfourmoretimeseachworkingdayuntilyougetfired,quit,dieorretire.""I'vegotit.""AndIwantyoutoknowthatyou'vedelayedmyindoctrinationspeechtoournewemployees,ofwhichyou,atthemoment,areone.Iaminchargehere.Mywordislawandyourwishesmeannothing.IfIdislikeanythingaboutyou--thewayyoutieyourshoes,combyourhairorfart,you'rebackonthestreets,getit?""Yes,sir!"Ayounggirlcameflouncingin,runningonherhighheels,longbrownhairflowingbehindher.Shewasdressedinatightreddress.Herlipswerelargeandexpressivewithexcessivelipstick.Shetheatricallypulledher.cardoutoftherack,punchedin,andbreathingwithminorexcitement,sheputhercardbackintherack.SheglancedoveratFerris."Hi,Eddie!""Hi,Diana!"Dianawasobviouslyasalesgirl.Ferriswalkedovertoher.Theystoodtalking.Icouldn'theartheconversationbutIcouldhearthemlaughing.Thentheybrokeoff.Dianawalkedoverandwaitedfortheelevatortotakehertoherwork.Ferriswalkedbacktowardmeholdingmytimecard."I'llpunchinnow,Mr.Ferris,"Itoldhim."I'lldoitforyou.Iwanttostartyououtright."Ferrisinsertedmytimecardintotheclockandstoodthere.Hewaited.Iheardtheclocktick,thenhehitit.Heputmycardintherack."HowlatewasI,Mr.Ferris?""Tenminutes.Nowfollowme."Ifollowedalongbehindhim.Isawthegroupwaiting.Fourmenandthreewomen.Theywereallold.Theyseemedtohavesalivaryproblems.Littleclumpsofspittlehadformedatthecornersoftheirmouths;thespittlehaddriedandturnedwhiteandthenbeencoatedbynewwetspittle.Someofthemweretoothin,otherstoofat.Somewerenear-sighted; 115otherstrembled.Oneoldfellowinabrightlycoloredshirthadahumponhisback.Theyallsmiledandcoughed,puffingatcigarettes.ThenIgotit.Themessage.Mears-Starbuckwaslookingforstayers.Thecompanydidn'tcareforemployeeturnover(althoughthesenewrecruitsobviouslyweren'tgoinganywherebuttothegrave--untilthenthey'dremaingratefulandloyalemployees).AndIhadbeenchosentoworkalongsideofthem.Theladyintheemploymentofficehadevaluatedmeasbelongingwiththispatheticgroupoflosers.Whatwouldtheguysinhighschoolthinkiftheysawme?Me,oneofthetoughestguysinthegraduatingclass.Iwalkedoverandstoodwithmygroup.Ferrissatonatablefacingus.Ashaftoflightfelluponhimfromanoverheadtransom.Heinhaledhiscigaretteandsmiledatus."WelcometoMears-Starbuck..."Thenheseemedtofallintoareverie.Perhapshewasthinkingaboutwhenhehadfirstjoinedthedepartmentstorethirty-fiveyearsago.Heblewafewsmokeringsandwatchedthemriseintotheair.Hishalf-slicedearlookedimpressiveinthelightfromabove.Theguynexttome,alittlepretzelofaman,knifedhissharplittleelbowintomyside.Hewasoneofthoseindividualswhoseglassesalwaysseemreadytofalloff.HewasuglierthanIwas."Hi!"hewhispered."I'mMewks.OdellMewks.""Hello,Mewks.""Listen,kid,afterworklet'syouandmemakethebars.Maybewecanpickupsomegirls.""Ican't,Mewks.""Afraidofgirls?""It'smybrother,he'ssick.I'vegottowatchoverhim.""Sick?""Worse.Cancer.Hehastopissthroughatubeintoabottlestrappedtohisleg."ThenFerrisbeganagain."Yourstartingsalaryisforty-four-and-a-halfcentsanhour.Wearenon-unionhere.Managementbelievesthatwhatisfairforthecompanyisfairforyou.Wearelikeafamily,dedicatedtoserveandtoprofit.Youwilleachreceiveaten-percentdiscountonallmerchandiseyoupurchasefromMears-Starbuck...""OH,BOY!"Mewkssaidinaloudvoice."Yes,Mr.Mewks,it'sagooddeal.Youtakecareofus,we'lltakecareofyou."IcouldstaywithMears-Starbuckforforty-sevenyears,Ithought.Icouldlivewithacrazygirlfriend,getmyleftearslicedoffandmaybeinheritFerris'jobwhenheretired.Ferristalkedaboutwhichholidayswecouldlookforwardtoandthenthespeechwasover.Wewereissuedoursmocksandourlockersandthenweweredirectedtotheundergroundstoragefacilities.Ferrisworkeddowntheretoo.Hemannedthephones.Wheneverheansweredthephonehewouldholdittohisslicedleftearwithhislefthandandclamphisrighthandunderhisleftarmpit."Yes?Yes?Yes.Comingrightup!""Chinaski!""Yes,sir.""Lingeriedepartment..."Thenhewouldpickuptheorderpad,listtheitemsneededandhowmanyofeach.Heneverdidthiswhileonthephone,alwaysafterwards."Locatetheseitems,deliverthemtothelingeriedepartment,obtainasignatureandreturn."Hisspeechnevervaried.Myfirstdeliverywastolingerie.Ilocatedtheitems,placedtheminmylittlegreencartwithitsfourrubberwheelsandpushedittowardtheelevator.TheelevatorwasatanupperfloorandIpressedthebuttonandwaited.AftersometimeIcouldseethebottomoftheelevatorasitcamedown.Itwasveryslow.Thenitwasatbasementlevel.Thedoorsopenedandanalbinowithoneeyestoodatthecontrols.Jesus.Helookedatme."Newguy,huh?"heasked."Yeah." 116"WhatdoyouthinkofFerris?""Ithinkhe'sagreatguy."Theyprobablylivedtogetherinthesameroomandtookturnsmanningthehotplate."Ican'ttakeyouup.""Whynot?""Igottatakeashit."Helefttheelevatorandwalkedoff.ThereIstoodinmysmock.Thiswasthewaythingsusuallyworked.Youwereagovernororagarbageman,youwereatight-ropewalkerorabankrobber,youwereadentistorafruitpicker,youwerethisoryouwerethat.Youwantedtodoagoodjob.Youmannedyourstationandthenyoustoodandwaitedforsomeasshole.Istoodthereinmysmocknexttomygreencartwhiletheelevatormantookashit.Itcametomethen,clearly,whytherich,goldenboysandgirlswerealwayslaughing.Theyknew.Thealbinoreturned."Itwasgreat.Ifeelthirtypoundslighter.""Good.Canwegonow?"Heclosedthedoorsandwerosetothesalesfloor.Heopenedthedoors."Goodluck,"saidthealbino.Ipushedmygreencartdownthroughtheaisleslookingforthelingeriedepartment,aMissMeadows.MissMeadowswaswaiting.Shewasslenderandclassy-looking.Shelookedlikeamodel.Herarmswerefolded.AsIapproachedherInoticedhereyes.Theywereanemeraldgreen,therewasdepth,aknowledgethere.Ishouldknowsomebodylikethat.Sucheyes,suchclass.Istoppedmycartinfrontofhercounter."Hello,MissMeadows,"Ismiled."Wherethehellhaveyoubeen?"sheasked."Itjusttookthislong.""DoyourealizeIhavecustomerswaiting?DoyourealizethatI'mattemptingtorunanefficientdepartmenthere?"Thesalesclerksgottencentsanhourmorethanwedid,pluscommissions.Iwastodiscoverthattheyneverspoketousinafriendlyway.Maleorfemale,theclerkswerethesame.Theytookanyfamiliarityasanaffront."I'vegotagoodmindtophoneMr.Ferris.""I'lldobetternexttime.MissMeadows."Iplacedthegoodsonhercounterandthenhandedhertheformtosign.Shescratchedhersignaturefuriouslyonthepaper,theninsteadofhandingitbacktomeshethrewitintomygreencart."Christ,Idon'tknowwheretheyfindpeoplelikeyou!"Ipushedmycartovertotheelevator,hitthebuttonandwaited.ThedoorsopenedandIrolledonin."How'ditgo?"thealbinoaskedme."Ifeelthirtypoundsheavier,"Itoldhim.Hegrinned,thedoorsclosedandwedescended.Overdinnerthatnightmymothersaid,"Henry,I'msoproudofyouthatyouhaveajob!"Ididn'tanswer.Myfathersaid,"Well,aren'tyougladtohaveajob?""Yeah.""Yeah?Isthatallyoucansay?Doyourealizehowmanymenareunemployedinthisnationnow?""Plenty,Iguess.""Thenyoushouldbegrateful.""Look,can'twejusteatourfood?""Youshouldbegratefulforyourfood,too.Doyouknowhowmuchthismealcost?"Ishovedmyplateaway."Shit!Ican'teatthisstuff!"Igotupandwalkedtomybedroom."I'vegotagoodmindtocomebackthereandteachyouwhatiswhat!"Istopped."I'llbewaiting,oldman." 117ThenIwalkedaway.Iwentinandwaited.ButIknewhewasn'tcoming.IsetthealarmtogetreadyforMears-Starbuck.Itwasonly7:30p.m.butIundressedandwenttobed.Iswitchedoffthelightandwasinthedark.Therewasnothingelsetodo,nowheretogo.Myparentswouldsoonbeinbedwiththelightsout.Myfatherlikedtheslogan,"Earlytobedandearlytorise,makesamanhealthy,wealthyandwise."Butithadn'tdoneanyofthatforhim.IdecidedthatImighttrytoreversetheprocess.Icouldn'tsleep.MaybeifImasturbatedtoMissMeadows?Toocheap.Iwallowedthereinthedark,waitingforsomething, 11847ThefirstthreeorfourdaysatMears-Starbuckwereidentical.Infact,similaritywasaverydependablethingatMears-Starbuck.Thecastesystemwasanacceptedfact.Therewasn'tasinglesalesclerkwhospoketoastock-clerkoutsideofaperfunctorywordortwo.Anditaffectedme.IthoughtaboutitasIpushedmycartabout.Wasitpossiblethatthesalesclerksweremoreintelligentthanthestockclerks?Theycertainlydressedbetter.Itbotheredmethattheyassumedthattheirstationmeantsomuch.PerhapsifIhadbeenasalesclerkIwouldhavefeltthesameway.Ididn'tmuchcarefortheotherstockclerks.Orthesalesclerks.Now,Ithought,pushingmycartalong,Ihavethisjob.Isthistobeit?Nowondermenrobbedbanks.Thereweretoomanydemeaningjobs.Whythehellwasn'tIasuperiorcourtjudgeoraconcertpianist?Becauseittooktrainingandtrainingcostmoney.ButIdidn'twanttobeanythinganyhow.AndIwascertainlysucceeding.Ipushedmycarttotheelevatorandhitthebutton.Womenwantedmenwhomademoney,womenwantedmenofmark.Ilowmanyclassywomenwerelivingwithskidrowbums?Well,Ididn'twantawomananyhow.Nottolivewith.Howcouldmenlivewithwomen?Whatdiditmean?WhatIwantedwasacaveinColoradowiththree-years'worthoffoodstuffsanddrink.I'dwipemyasswithsand.Anything,anythingtostopdrowninginthisdull,trivialandcowardlyexistence.Theelevatorcameup.Thealbinowasstillatthecontrols."Hey,IhearyouandMewksmadethebarslastnight!""Heboughtmeafewbeers.I'mbroke.""Youguysgetlaid?""Ididn't.""Whydon'tyouguystakemealongnexttime?I'llshowyouhowtogetsomesnatch.""Whatdoyouknow?""I'vebeenaround.JustlastweekIhadaChinesegirl.Andyouknow,it'sjustliketheysay.""What'sthat?"Wehitthebasementandthedoorsopened."Theirsnatchdoesn'trunupanddown,itrunsfromsidetoside."Ferriswaswaitingforme."Wherethehellyoubeen?""Homegardening.""Whatdidyoudo,fertilizethefuchsias?""Yeah,Idroponeturdineachpot.""Listen,Chinaski...""Yes?""Thepunchlinesaroundherebelongtome.Gotit?""Gotit.""Well,getthis.I'vegotanorderhereforMen'sWear."Hehandedmetheorderslip."Locatetheseitems,deliverthem,obtainasignatureandreturn."Men'sWearwasrunbyMr.JustinPhillips,Jr.Hewaswell-bred,hewaspolite,aroundtwenty-two.Hestoodverystraight,haddarkhair,darkeyes,breedinglips.Therewasanunfortunateabsenceofcheekbonesbutitwashardlynoticeable.Hewaspaleandworedarkclothingwithbeautifullystarchedshirts.Thesalesgirlslovedhim.Hewassensitive,intelligent,clever.Hewasalsojustabitnastyasifsomeforebearhadpasseddownthatrighttohim.Hehadonlybrokenwithtraditiononcetospeaktome."It'sashame,isn'tit,thoseratheruglyscarsonyourface?"AsIrolledmycartuptoMen'sWear,JustinPhillipswasstandingverystraight,headtiltedabit,staring,ashedidmostofthetime,lookingoffandupasifhewasseeingthingswewerenot.Hesawthingsoutthere.MaybeIjustdidn'trecognizebreedingwhenIsawit.Hecertainlyappearedtobeabovehissurroundings.Itwasagoodtrickifyoucould 119doitandgetpaidatthesametime.Maybethat'swhatmanagementandthesalesgirlsliked.Herewasamantrulytoogoodforwhathewasdoing,buthewasdoingitanyhow.Irolledup."Here'syourorder,Mr.Phillips."Heappearednottonoticeme,whichhurtinasense,andwasagoodthinginanother.Istackedthegoodsonthecounterashestaredoffintospace,justabovetheelevatordoor.ThenIheardgoldenlaughterandIlooked.ItwasagangofguyswhohadgraduatedwithmefromChelseyHigh.Theyweretryingonsweaters,hikingshorts,variousitems.Iknewthembysightonly,aswehadneverspokenduringourfouryearsofhighschool.TheleaderwasJimmyNewhall.Hehadbeenthehalfbackonourfootballteam,undefeatedforthreeyears.Hishairwasabeautifulyellow,thesunalwaysseemedtobehighlightingpartsofit,thesunorthelightsintheschoolroom.Hehadathick,powerfulneckandaboveitsatthefaceofaperfectboysculptedbysomemastersculptor.Everythingwasexactlyasitshouldbe:nose,forehead,chin,theworks.Andthebodylikewise,perfectlyformed.TheotherswithNewhallwerenotexactlyasperfectashewas,buttheywereclose.Theystoodaroundandtriedonsweatersandlaughed,waitingtogotoU.S.C.orStanford.JustinPhillipssignedmyreceipt.IwasonmywaybacktotheelevatorwhenIheardavoice:"HEY,Ski!Ski,YOULOOKGREATINYOURLITTLEOUTFIT!"Istopped,turned,gavethemacasualwaveofthelefthand."Lookathim!ToughestguyintownsinceTommyDorsey!""MakesGablelooklikeatoiletplunger."Ileftmywagonandwalkedback.Ididn'tknowwhatIwasgoingtodo.Istoodthereandlookedatthem.Ididn'tlikethem,neverhad.Theymightlookglorioustoothersbutnottome.Therewassomethingabouttheirbodiesthatwaslikeawoman'sbody.Theyweresoft,theyhadneverfacedanyfire.Theywerebeautifulnothings.Theymademesick.Ihatedthem.Theywerepartofthenightmarethatalwayshauntedmeinoneformoranother.JimmyNewhallsmiledatme."Hey,stockboy,howcomeyounevertriedoutfortheteam?""Itwasn'twhatIwanted.""Noguts,eh?""Youknowwheretheparkinglotontheroofis?""Sure.""Seeyouthere..."TheystrolledouttowardtheparkinglotasItookmysmockoffandthrewitintothecart.JustinPhillips,Jr.smiledatme,"Mydearboy,youaregoingtogetyourasswhipped."JimmyNewhallwaswaiting,surroundedbyhisbuddies."Hey,look,thestockboy!""Youthinkhe'swearingladies'underwear?"Newhallwasstandinginthesun.Hehadhisshirtoffandhisundershirttoo.Hehadhisgutsuckedinandhischestpushedout.Helookedgood.WhatthehellhadIgotteninto?Ifeltmyunderliptrembling.Upthereontheroof,Ifeltfear.IlookedatNewhall,thegoldensunhighlightinghisgoldenhair.Ihadwatchedhimmanytimesonthefootballfield.Ihadseenhimbreakoffmany50and60yardrunswhileIrootedfortheotherteam,Nowwestoodlookingateachother.Ileftmyshirton.Wekeptstanding.Ikeptstanding.Newhallfinallysaid,"O.K.,I'mgoingtotakeyounow."Hestartedtomoveforward.Justthenalittleoldladydressedinblackcamebywithmanypackages.Shehadonatinygreenfelthat."Hello,boys!"shesaid."Hello,ma'am.""Lovelyday..."Thelittleoldladyopenedhercardoorandloadedinthepackages.ThensheturnedtoJimmyNewhall."Oh,whatafinebodyyouhave,myboy!I'llbetyoucouldbeTarzanoftheApes!""No,ma'am,"Isaid."Pardonme,buthe'stheapeandthosewithhimarehistribe.""Oh,"shesaid.Shegotintohercar,starteditandwewaitedasshebackedoutanddroveoff. 120"O.K.,Chinaski,"saidNewhall,"allthroughschoolyouwerefamousforyoursneerandyourbiggod-damnedmouth.AndnowI'mgoingtoputthecureonyou!"Newhallboundedforward.Hewasready.Iwasn'tquiteready.AllIsawwasabackdropofblueskyandaflashofbodyandfists.Hewasquickerthananape,andbigger.Icouldn'tseemtothrowapunch,Ionlyfelthisfistsandtheywererockhard.SquintingthroughpunchedeyesIcouldseehisfists,swinging,landing,mygod,hehadpower,itseemedendlessandtherewasnoplacetogo.Ibegantothink,maybeyouareasissy,maybeyoushouldbe,maybeyoushouldquit.Butashecontinuedtopunch,myfearvanished.Ifeltonlyastonishmentathisstrengthandenergy.Wheredidhegetit?Aswinelikehim?Hewasloaded.Icouldn'tseeanymore--myeyeswereblindedbyflashesofyellowandgreenlight,purplelight--thenaterrificshotofRED...Ifeltmyselfgoingdown.Isthisthewayithappens?Ifelltooneknee.Iheardanairplanepassingoverhead.IwishedIwasonit.Ifeltsomethingrunovermymouthandchin...itwaswarmbloodrunningfrommynose."Lethimgo,Jimmy,he'sfinished..."IlookedatNewhall."Yourmothersuckscock,"Itoldhim."I'LLKILLYOU!"NewhallrushedmebeforeIcouldquitegetup.Hehadmebythethroatandwerolledoverandover,underaDodge.Iheardhisheadhitsomething.Ididn'tknowwhatithitbutIheardthesound.IthappenedquitequicklyandtheotherswerenotasawareofitasIwas.IgotupandthenNewhallgotup."I'mgoingtokillyou,"hesaid.Newhallwindmilledin.Thistimeitwasn'tnearlysobad.Hepunchedwiththesamefury,butsomethingwasmissing.Hewasweaker.WhenhehitmeIdidn'tseeflashesofcolor,Icouldseethesky,theparkedcars,thefacesofhisfriends,andhim.Ihadalwaysbeenaslowstarter.Newhallwasstilltryingbuthewasdefinitelyweaker.AndIhadmysmallhands,Iwasblessedwithsmallhands,lousyweapons.Whatawearytimethoseyearswere--tohavethedesireandtheneedtolivebutnottheability.IdugahardrighttohisbellyandIheardhimgaspsoIgrabbedhimbehindtheneckwithmyleftandduganotherrighttohisbelly.ThenIpushedhimoffandcrackedhimwithaone-two,rightintothatsculptedface.Isawhiseyesanditwasgreat.Iwasbringingsomethingtohimthathehadneverfeltbefore.Hewasterrified.Terrifiedbecausehedidn'tknowhowtohandledefeat.Idecidedtofinishhimslowly.Thensomeonesluggedmeonthebackofthehead.Itwasagoodhardshot.Iturnedandlooked.Itwashisred-headedfriend,CalEvans.Iyelled,pointingathim."Staythefuckawayfromme!I'lltakeallofyouoneatatime!AssoonasI'mdonewiththisguy,you'renext!"Itdidn'ttakemuchtofinishJimmy.Ieventriedsomefancyfootwork.Ijabbedabit,playedaroundandthenImovedinandstartedpunching.HetookitprettygoodandforawhileIthoughtIcouldn'tfinishitbutallofasuddenhegavemethisstrangelookwhichsaid,hey,look,maybeweoughttobebuddiesandgohaveacoupleofbeerstogether.Thenhedropped.Hisfriendsmovedinandpickedhimup,theyheldhimup,talkedtohim,"Hey,Jim,youO.K.?""What'dtheson-of-a-bitchdotoyou,Jim?We'llcleanhisdrawers,Jim.Justgiveustheword.""Takemehome,"Jimsaid.Iwatchedthemgodownthestairway,allofthemtryingtoholdhimup,oneguycarryinghisshirtandundershirt...Iwentdownstairstogetmycart.JustinPhillipswaswaiting."Ididn'tthinkyou'dbeback,"hesmileddisdainfully."Don'tfraternizewiththeunskilledhelp,"Itoldhim.Ipushedoff.Myface,myclothes--1wasprettybadlymessedup.Iwalkedtotheelevatorandhitthebutton.Thealbinocameinduetime.Thedoorsopened."Theword'sout,"hesaid."Ihearyou'rethenewheavyweightchampionoftheworld." 121Newstravelsfastinplaceswherenothingmucheverhappens.Fernsoftheslicedearwaswaiting."Youjustdon'tgoaroundbeatingtheshitoutofourcustomers.""Itwasonlyone.""Wehavenowayofknowingwhenyoumightstartinontheothers.""Thisguybaitedme.""Wedon'tgiveadamnaboutthat.That'swhathappens.Allweknowisthatyouwereoutofline.""Howaboutmycheck?""It'llbemailed.""O.K.,seeyou...""Wait,I'llneedyourlockerkey."Igotoutmykeychainwhichonlyhadoneotherkeyonit,pulledoffthelockerkeyandhandedittoFerris.ThenIwalkedtotheemployees'door,pulleditopen.Itwasaheavysteeldoorwhichworkedawkwardly.Asitopened,lettinginthedaylight,IturnedandgaveFerrisasmallwave.Hedidn'trespond.Hejustlookedstraightatme.Thenthedoorclosedonhim.Ilikedhim,somehow. 12248"Soyoucouldn'tholdajobforaweek?"Wewereeatingmeatballsandspaghetti.Myproblemswerealwaysdiscussedatdinnertime.Dinnertimewasalmostalwaysanunhappytime.Ididn'tanswermyfather'squestion."Whathappened?Whydidtheycanyourass?"Ididn'tanswer."Henry,answeryourfatherwhenhespeakstoyou!"mymothersaid."Hecouldn'tbackit,that'sall!""Lookathisface,"saidmymother,"it'sallbruisedandcut.Didyourbossbeatyouup,Henry?""No,Mother...""Whydon'tyoueat,Henry?Youneverseemtobehungry.""Hecan'teat,"saidmyfather,"hecan'twork,hecan'tdoanything,he'snotworthafuck!""Youshouldn'ttalkthatwayatthedinnertable,Daddy,"mymothertoldhim."Well,it'strue!"Myfatherhadanimmenseballofspaghettirolledonhisfork.Hejammeditintohismouthandstartedchewingandwhilechewinghespearedalargemeatballandplungeditintohismouth,thenworkedinapieceofFrenchbread.IrememberedwhatIvanhadsaidinTheBrothersKaramazov,"Whodoesn'twanttokillthefather?"Asmyfatherchewedatthemassoffood,onelongstringofspaghettidangledfromacornerofhismouth.Hefinallynoticeditandsuckeditinnoisily.Thenhereached,puttwolargeteaspoonsofwhitesugarintohiscoffee,liftedthecupandtookagiantmouthful,whichheimmediatelyspitoutacrosshisplateandontothetablecloth."Thatshit'stoohot!""Youshouldbemorecareful,Daddy,"saidmymother.Icombedthejobmarket,astheyusedtosay,butitwasadrearyanduselessroutine.Youhadtoknowsomebodytogetajobevenasalowlybusboy.Thuseverybodywasadishwasher,thewholetownwasfullofunemployeddishwashers.IsatwiththeminPershingSquareintheafternoons.Theevangelistsweretheretoo.Somehaddrums,somehadguitars,andthebushesandrestroomscrawledwithhomosexuals."Someofthemhavemoney,"ayoungbumtoldme."Thisguytookmetohisapartmentfortwoweeks.IhadallIcouldeatanddrinkandheboughtme'someclothesbuthesuckedmedry,Icouldn'tstandupafterawhile.OnenightwhenhewasasleepIcrawledoutofthere.Itwashorrible.HekissedmeonceandIknockedhimacrosstheroom.'Youeverdothatagain,'Itoldhim,'andI'llkillyou!'"Clifton'sCafeteriawasnice.Ifyoudidn'thavemuchmoney,theyletyoupaywhatyoucould.Andifyoudidn'thaveanymoney,youdidn'thavetopay.Someofthebumswentinthereandatewell.Itwasownedbysomeverynicericholdman,averyunusualperson.Icouldnevermakemyselfgointhereandloadup.I'dgoinforacoffeeandanapplepieandgivethemanickel.SometimesI'dgetacoupleofweenies.Itwasquietandcoolinthereandclean.Therewasalargewaterfallandyoucouldsitnexttoitandimaginethateverythingwasquiteallright.Philippe'swasnicetoo.Youcouldgetacupofcoffeeforthreecentswithalltherefillsyouwanted.Youcouldsitintherealldaydrinkingcoffeeandtheyneveraskedyoutoleavenomatterhowbadyoulooked.Theyjustaskedthebumsnottobringintheirwineanddrinkitthere.Placeslikethatgaveyouhopewhentherewasn'tmuchhope.ThemeninPershingSquarearguedalldayaboutwhethertherewasaGodornot.Mostofthemdidn'targueverywellbutnowandthenyougotaReligionistandanAtheistwhowerewell-versedanditwasagoodshow. 123WhenIhadafewcoinsI'dgototheundergroundbarbeneaththebigmoviehouse.Iwas18buttheyservedme.IlookedlikeIcouldbealmostanyage.SometimesIlooked25,sometimesIfeltlike30.ThebarwasrunbyChinesewhoneverspoketoanyone.AllIneededwasthefirstbeerandthenthehomosexualswouldstartbuying.I'dswitchtowhiskeysours.I'dbleedthemforwhiskeysoursandwhentheystartedclosinginonme.I'dgetnasty,pushoffandleave.Afterawhiletheycaughtonandtheplacewasn'tanygoodanymore.ThelibrarywasthemostdepressingplaceIwent.Ihadrunoutofbookstoread.AfterawhileIwouldjustgrabathickbookandlookforayounggirlsomewhere.Therewerealwaysoneortwoabout.I'dsitthreeorfourchairsaway,pretendingtoreadthebook,tryingtolookintelligent,hopingsomegirlwouldpickmeup.IknewthatIwasuglybutIthoughtifIlookedintelligentenoughImighthavesomechance.Itneverworked.ThegirlsjustmadenotesontheirpadsandthentheygotupandleftasIwatchedtheirbodiesmovingrhythmicallyandmagicallyundertheircleandresses.WhatwouldMaximGorkyhavedoneundersuchcircumstances?Athomeitwasalwaysthesame.Thequestionwasneveraskeduntilafterthefirstfewbitesofdinnerwerepartaken.Thenmyfatherwouldask,"Didyoufindajobtoday?""No.""Didyoutryanywhere?""Manyplaces.I'vegonebacktosomeofthesameplacesforthesecondorthirdtime.""Idon'tbelieveit."Butitwastrue.Itwasalsotruethatsomecompaniesputadsinthepaperseverydaywhentherewerenojobsavailable.Itgavetheemploymentdepartmentinthosecompaniessomethingtodo.Italsowastedthetimeandscrewedupthehopesofmanydesperatepeople."You'llfindajobtomorrow,Henry,"mymotherwouldalwayssay... 12449Ilookedforajoballsummerandcouldn'tfindone.JimmyHatchercaughtonatanaircraftplant.HitlerwasactingupinEuropeandcreatingjobsfortheunemployed.IhadbeenwithJimmythatdaywhenwehadturnedinourapplications.Wefilledthemoutinsimilarfashion,theonlydifferencebeingwhereitsaidPlaceofBirth,IputdownGermanyandheputdownReading,Pa."Jimmygotajob.Hecamefromthesameschoolandhe'syourage,"saidmymother."Whycouldn'tyougetajobattheaircraftplant?""Theycantellamanwhodoesn'thaveatasteforwork,"saidmyfather."Allhewantstodoistositinthebedroomonhisdeadassandlistentohissymphonymusic!""Well,theboylikesmusic,that'ssomething.""Buthedoesn'tdoanythingwithit!Hedoesn'tmakeitUSEFUL!""Whatshouldhedo?""Heshouldgotoaradiostationandtellthemhelikesthatkindofmusicandgetajobbroadcasting.""Christ,it'snotdonelikethat,it'snotthateasy.""Whatdoyouknow?Haveyoutriedit?""Itellyou,itcan'tbedone."Myfatherputalargepieceofporkchopintohismouth.Agreasyportionhungoutfrombetweenhislipsashechewed.Itwasasifhehadthreelips.Thenhesuckeditinandlookedatmymother."Yousee,mama,theboydoesn'twanttowork."Mymotherlookedatme."Henry,whydon'tyoueatyourfood?"ItwasfinallydecidedthatIwouldenrollatL.A.CityCollege.Therewasnotuitionfeeandsecond-handbookscouldbepurchasedattheGo-opBookStore.MyfatherwassimplyashamedthatIwasunemployedandbygoingtoschoolIwouldatleastearnsomerespectability.EliLaCrosse(Baldy)hadalreadybeenthereaterm.Hecounseledme."What'stheeasiestfuckingthingtotake?"Iaskedhim."Journalism.Thosejournalismmajorsdon'tdoanything.""O.K.,I'llbeajournalist."Ilookedthroughtheschoolbooklet."What'sthisOrientationDaytheyspeakofhere?""Oh,youjustskipthat,that'sbullshit.""Thanksfortellingme,buddy.We'llgoinsteadtothatbaracrossfromcampusandhaveacoupleofbeers.""Damnright!""Yeah."ThedayafterOrientationDaywasthedayyousignedupforclasses.Peoplewererunningaboutfranticallywithpapersandbooklets.Ihadcomeoveronthestreetcar.Itookthe"W"toVermontandthentookthe"V"northtoMonroe.Ididn'tknowwhereeverybodywasgoing,orwhatIshoulddo.Ifeltsick."Pardonme..."Iaskedagirl.Sheturnedherheadandkeptwalkingbriskly.AguycamerunningbyandIgrabbedhimbythebackofhisbeltandstoppedhim."Hey,whatthehellareyoudoing?"heasked."Shutup.Iwanttoknowwhat'sgoingon!Iwanttoknowwhattodo!""TheyexplainedeverythingtoyouinOrientation.""Oh..."Ilethimgoandheranoff.Ididn'tknowwhattodo.IhadimaginedthatyoujustwentsomewhereandtoldthemyouwantedtotakeJournalism,BeginningJournalism,andthey'dgiveyouacardwithascheduleofyourclasses.Itwasnothinglikethat.Thesepeopleknewwhattodoandtheywouldn'ttalk.IfeltasifIwasingrammarschoolagain,beingmutilatedbythecrowdwhoknewmorethanIdid.Isatdownonabenchandwatchedthemrunningbackandforth.MaybeI'dfakeit. 125I'djusttellmyparentsIwasgoingtoL.A.CityCollegeandI'dcomeeverydayandlayonthelawn.ThenIsawthisguyrunningalong.ItwasBaldy.Igothimfrombehindbythecollar."Hey,hey.Hank!What'shappening?""Ioughttocreamyourightnow,youlittleasshole!""What'swrong?What'swrong?""HowdoIgetafuckingclass?WhatdoIdo?""Ithoughtyouknew!""How?HowwouldIknow?WasIbornwiththisknowledgeinsideofme,fullyindexed,readytoconsultwhenneeded?"Iwalkedhimovertoabench,stillholdinghimbyhisshirtcollar."Now,layitout,niceandclear,everythingthatneedstobedoneandhowtodoit.DoagoodjobandImightnotcreamyouatthismoment!"SoBaldyexplaineditall.IhadmyownOrientationDayrightthere.Istillheldhimbythecollar."I'mgoingtoletyougonow.ButsomedayI'mgoingtoeventhisthingout.You'regoingtopayforfuckingmeover.Youwon'tknowwhen,butit'sgoingtohappen."Ilethimgo.Hewentrunningoffwiththerestofthem.Therewasnoneedformetoworryorhurry.Iwasgoingtogettheworstclasses,theworstteachersandtheworsthours.Istrolledaboutleisurelysigningupforclasses.Iappearedtobetheonlyunconcernedstudentoncampus.Ibegantofeelsuperior.Untilmyfirst7a.m.Englishclass.Itwas7:30a.m.andIwashungoverasIstoodthereoutsidethedoor,listening.MyparentshadpaidformybooksandIhadsoldthemfordrinkingmoney.Ihadslidoutofthebedroomwindowthenightbeforeandhadclosedtheneighborhoodbar.Ihadathrobbingbeerhangover.Istillfeltdrunk.Iopenedthedoorandwalkedin.Istoodthere.Mr.Hamilton,theEnglishinstructor,wasstandingbeforetheclass,singing,Arecordplayerwason,loud,andtheclasswassingingalongwithMr.Hamilton.ItwasGilbertandSullivan.NowIamtheruleroftheQueen'sNavy...Icopiedallthelettersinabigroundhand...NowIamtheruleroftheQueen'sNavy...Stickclosetoyourdesksandnevergotosea...AndyouallmayberulersoftheQueen'sNavy...Iwalkedtotherearoftheclassandfoundanemptyseat.Hamiltonwalkedoverandshutofftherecordplayer.Hewasdressedinablack-and-whitepeppersuitwithashirt-frontofbrightorange.HelookedlikeNelsonEddy.Thenhefacedtheclass,glancedathiswristwatchandaddressedme:"YoumustbeMr.Chinaski?"Inodded."Youarethirtyminuteslate.""Yes.""Wouldyoubethirtyminuteslatetoaweddingorafuneral?""No.""Whynot,praytell?""Well,ifthefuneralwasmineI'dhavetobeontime.Iftheweddingwasmineitwouldbemyfuneral."Iwasalwaysquickwiththemouth.Iwouldneverlearn."Mydearsir,"saidMr.Hamilton,"wehavebeenlisteningtoGilbertandSullivaninordertolearnproperenunciation.Pleasestandup."Istoodup."Now,pleasesing,Stickclosetoyourdesksandnevergotoseaandyou'llalwaysbetheruleroftheQueensNavy."Istoodthere."Well,goahead,please!"Iwentthroughitandsatdown."Mr.Chinaski,Icouldbarelyhearyou.Couldn'tyousingwithjustabitmoreverve?"Istoodupagain.Isuckedinagiantseaofairandletgo."IFYAWANNABEDARULLEROFDEYQUEEN'SNABYSTICKCLOSETAYURDESKSANNEVAGOTASEA!" 126Ihadgottenitbackwards."Mr.Chinaski,"saidMr.Hamilton,"pleasesitdown."Isatdown.ItwasBaldy'sfault. 12750Everybodyhadgymperiodatthesametime.Baldy'slockerwasaboutfourorfivedownfrommineinthesamerow.Iwenttomylockerearly.BaldyandIhadasimilarproblem.Wehatedwoolpantsbecausethewoolitchedourlegsbutourparentsjustlovedforustowearwool.Ihadsolvedtheproblem,forBaldyandmyself,bylettinghiminonasecret.Allyouhadtodowastowearyourpajamasunderneaththewoolpants.Iopenedmylockerandundressed.IgotmypantsandpajamasoffandthenItookthepajamasandhidthemontopofthelocker.Igotintomygymsuit.Theotherguyswerestartingtowalkin.BaldyandIhadsomegreatpajamastoriesbutBaldy'swasthebest.Hehadbeenoutwithhisgirlfriendonenight,theyhadgonetosomedance.Inbetweendanceshisgirlfriendhadsaid,"What'sthat?""What'swhat?""There'ssomethingstickingoutofyourpantcuff.""What?""Mygoodness!You'rewearingyourpajamasunderneathyourpants!""Oh?Oh,that...Imusthaveforgotten...""I'mleavingrightnow!"Sheneverdatedhimagain.Alltheguyswerechangingintotheirgymclothes.ThenBaldywalkedinandopenedhislocker."Howyadoing,pal?"Iaskedhim."Oh,hello.Hank...""I'vegota7a.m.Englishclass.Itreallystartsthedayoutright.OnlytheyoughttocallitMusicAppreciation/.""Ohyeah.Hamilton.I'veheardofhim.Heeheehee..."Iwalkedovertohim.Baldyhadunbuckledhispants.Ireachedoverandyankedhispantsdown.Underneathweregreenstripedpajamas.HetriedtoyankhispantsbackupbutIwastoostrongforhim."HEY,FELLOWS,LOOK!JESUSCHRIST,HERE'SAGUYWHOWEARSHISPAJAMASTOSCHOOL!"Baldywasstruggling.Hisfacewasflorid.Acoupleofguyswalkedoverandlooked.ThenIdidtheworst.Iyankedhispajamasdown."ANDLOOKHERE!THEPOORFUCKERISNOTONLYBALDBUTHEDOESN'THARDLYHAVEACOCK!WHATISTHISPOOREUCKERGOINGTODOWHENHECONFRONTSAWOMAN?"Somebigguystandingnearbysaid,"Chinaski,you'rereallyapieceofshit!""Yeah,"saidacoupleofotherguys."Yeah...yeah..."Iheardothervoices.Baldypulledhispantsup.Hewasactuallycrying.Helookedattheguys."Well,Chinaskiwearspajamastoo!Hewastheguywhostartedmedoingit!Lookinhislocker,justlookinhislocker!"Baldyrandowntomylockerandrippedthedooropen.Hepulledallmyclothingout.Thepajamasweren'tinthere."He'shiddenthem!He'shiddenthemsomewhere!"Ileftmyclothesonthefloorandwalkedoutonthefieldforrollcall.Istoodinthesecondrow.Ididacoupleofdeepkneebends.Inoticedanotherbigguybehindme.I'dheardhisnamearound,SholomStodolsky."Chinaski,"hesaid,"you'reapieceofshit.""Don'tmesswithme,man,I'vegotanedgynature.""Well,I'mmessingwithyou.""Don'tpushmetoofar,fatboy.""YouknowtheplacebetweentheBiologyBuildingandthetenniscourts?""I'veseenit.""I'llmeetyouthereaftergym.""O.K.,"Isaid. 128Ididn'tshowup.AftergymIcuttherestofmyclassesandtookthestreetcarsdowntoPershingSquare.Isatonabenchandwaitedforsomeaction.Itseemedalongtimecoming.FinallyaReligionistandanAtheistgotintoit.Theyweren'tmuchgood.IwasanAgnostic.Agnosticsdidn'thavemuchtoargueabout.Ilefttheparkandwalkeddownto7thandBroadway.Thatwasthecenteroftown.Theredidn'tseemtobemuchdoingthere,justpeoplewaitingforthesignalstochangesotheycouldcrossthestreet.ThenInoticedmylegswerestartingtoitch.Ihadleftmypajamasontopofthelocker.Whatafuckinglousydayithadbeenfrombeginningtoend.Ihoppeda"W"streetcarandsatinthebackasitrolledalongcarryingmebacktowardhome. 12951IonlymetonestudentatCityCollegethatIliked,RobertBecker.Hewantedtobeawriter."I'mgoingtolearneverythingthereistolearnaboutwriting.Itwillbeliketakingacarapartandputtingitbacktogetheragain.""Soundslikework,"Isaid."I'mgoingtodoit."BeckerwasaninchorsoshorterthanIwasbuthewasstocky,hewaspowerfullybuilt,withbigshouldersandarms."Ihadachildhooddisease,"hetoldme."Ihadtolayinbedonetimeforayearsqueezingtwotennisballs,oneineachhand.Justfromdoingthat,Igottobelikethis."Hehadajobasamessengerboyatnightandwasputtinghimselfthroughcollege."How'dyougetyourjob?""Iknewaguywhoknewaguy.""I'llbetIcankickyourass.""Maybe,maybenot.I'monlyinterestedinwriting."Weweresittinginanalcoveoverlookingthelawn.Twoguyswerestaringatme.Thenoneofthemspoke."Hey,"heaskedme,"doyoumindifIaskyousomething?""Goahead.""Well,youusedtobeasissyingrammarschool,Irememberyou.Andnowyou'reatoughguy.Whathappened?""Idon'tknow.""Areyouacynic?""Probably.""Areyouhappybeingacynic?""Yes.""Thenyou'renotacynicbecausecynicsaren'thappy!"Thetwoguysdidalittlevaudevillehandshakeactandranoff,laughing."Theymadeyoulookbad,"saidBecker."No,theyweretryingtoohard.""Areyouacynic?""I'munhappy.IfIwasacynicitwouldprobablymakemefeelbetter."Wehoppeddownfromthealcove.Classeswereover.Beckerwantedtoputhisbooksinhislocker.Wewalkedthereandhedumpedthemin.Hehandedmefiveorsixsheetsofpaper."Herereadthis.It'sashortstory."Wewalkeddowntomylocker.Iopeneditandhandedhimapaperbag."Takeahit..."Itwasabottleofport.Beckertookahit,thenItookone."Youalwayskeeponeoftheseinyourlocker?"heasked."Itryto.""Listen,tonight'smynightoff.Whydon'tyoucomemeetsomeofmyfriends?""Peopledon'tdomemuchgood.""Thesearedifferentpeople.""Yeah?Whereat?Yourplace?""No.Here,I'llwritedowntheaddress..."Hebeganwritingonapieceofpaper."Listen,Becker,whatdothesepeopledo?""Drink,"saidBecker.Iputtheslipintomypocket...ThatnightafterdinnerIreadBecker'sshortstory.ItwasgoodandIwasjealous.Itwasaboutridinghisbikeatnightandthendeliveringatelegramtoabeautifulwoman.Thewritingwasobjectiveandclear,therewasagentledecencyaboutit.BeckerclaimedThomasWolfeasaninfluencebuthedidn'twailandhamituplikeWolfedid.Theemotionwastherebutitwasn'tspelledoutinneon.Beckercouldwrite,hecouldwritebetterthanIcould.MyparentshadgottenmeatypewriterandIhadtriedsomeshortstoriesbuttheyhadcomeoutverybitterandragged.Notthatthatwassobadbutthestoriesseemedtobeg,theydidn'thavetheirownvitality.MystoriesweredarkerthanBecker's,stranger,buttheydidn'twork.Well,oneortwo 130ofthemhadworked--forme--butitwasmoreorlessasiftheyhadfallenintoplaceinsteadofbeingguidedthere.Beckerwasclearlybetter.MaybeI'dtrypainting,Iwaiteduntilmyparentswereasleep.Myfatheralwayssnoredloudly.WhenIheardhimIopenedthebedroomscreenandslidoutovertheberrybush.Thatputmeintotheneighbor'sdrivewayandIwalkedslowlyinthedark.ThenIwalkedupLongwoodto21stStreet,tookaright,thenwentupthehillalongWestviewtowherethe"W"carendeditsroute.Idroppedmytokeninandwalkedtotherearofthecar,satdownandlitacigarette.IfBecker'sfriendswereanywhereasgoodasBecker'sshortstoryitwasgoingtobeonehellofanight.BeckerwasalreadytherebythetimeIfoundtheBeaconStreetaddress.Hisfriendswereinthebreakfastnook.Iwasintroduced.TherewasHarry,therewasLana,therewasGobbles,therewasStinky,therewasMarshbird,therewasEllis,therewasDogfaceandfinallytherewasTheRipper.Theyallsataroundalargebreakfasttable.Harryhadalegitimatejobsomewhere,heandBeckerweretheonlyonesemployed.LanawasHarry'swife,Gobblestheirbabywassittinginahighchair.Lanawastheonlywomanthere.Whenwewereintroducedshehadlookedrightatmeandsmiled.Theywereallyoung,thin,andpuffedatrolledcigarettes."Beckertoldusaboutyou,"saidHarry."Hesaysyou'reawriter.""I'vegotatypewriter.""Yougonnawriteaboutus?"askedStinky."I'dratherdrink.""Fine.We'regoingtohaveadrinkingcontest.Gotanymoney?"Stinkyasked."Twodollars...""O.K.,theanteistwodollars.Everybodyup!"Harrysaid.Thatmadeeighteendollars.Themoneylookedgoodlayingthere.Abottleappearedandthenshotglasses."Beckertoldusyouthinkyou'reatoughguy.Areyouatoughguy?""Yeah.""Well,we'regonnasee..."Thekitchenlightwasverybright.Itwasstraightwhiskey.Adarkyellowwhiskey.Harrypouredthedrinks.Suchbeauty.Mymouth,mythroat,couldn'twait.Theradiowason.Oh,Johnny,ohJohnny,howyoucanlove!somebodysang."Downthehatch!"saidHarry.TherewasnowayIcouldlose.Icoulddrinkfordays.Ihadneverhadenoughtodrink.Gobbleshadatinyshotglassofhisown.Asweraisedoursanddrankthem,heraisedhisanddrank.Everybodythoughtitwasfunny.Ididn'tthinkitwassofunnyforababytodrinkbutIdidn'tsayanything.Harrypouredanotherround."Youreadmyshortstory,Hank?"Beckerasked."Yeah.""How'dyoulikeit?""Itwasgood.You'rereadynow.Allyouneedissomeluck.""Downthehatch!"saidHarry.Thesecondroundwasnoproblem,weallgotitdown,includingLana.Harrylookedatme."Youliketodukeit,Hank?""No.""Well,incaseyoudo,wegotDogfacehere."Dogfacewastwicemysize.Itwassowearisomebeingintheworld.Everytimeyoulookedaroundtherewassomeguyreadytotakeyouonwithouteveninhaling.IlookedatDogface."Hi,buddy!""Buddy,myass,"hesaid."Justgetyournextdrinkdown."Harrypouredthemallaround.HeskippedGobblesinthehighchair,though,whichIappreciated.Allright,weraisedthem,weallgotthatrounddown.ThenLanadroppedout."Somebody'sgottocleanupthismessandgetHarryreadyforworkinthemorning,"shesaid.Thenextroundwaspoured.Justasitwasthedoorbangedopenandalargegood-lookingkidofaround22camerunningintotheroom."Shit,Harry"hesaid,"hideme!Ijustheldupafuckinggasstation!""Mycar'sinthegarage,"Harrysaid."Getdownonthefloorinthebackseatandstaythere!" 131Wedrankup.Thenextroundwaspoured.Anewbottleappeared.Theeighteendollarswasstillinthecenterofthetable.WewerestillallhanginginthereexceptLana.Itwasgoingtotakeplentyofwhiskeytodousin."Hey,"IaskedHarry,"aren'twegoingtorunoutofdrinks?""Showhim,Lana,,."Lanapulledopensomeuppercupboarddoors.Icouldseebottlesandbottlesofwhiskeylinedup,allthesamebrand.Itlookedlikethelootfromatruckhijackanditprobablywas.Andthesewerethegangmembers:Harry,Lana,Stinky,Marshbird,Ellis,DogfaceandTheRipper,maybeBecker,andmostlikelytheyoungguynowonthefloorinthebackseatofHarry'scar.IfelthonoredtobedrinkingwithsuchanactivepartofthepopulationofLosAngeles.Beckernotonlyknewhowtowrite,Beckerknewhispeople.IwoulddedicatemyfirstnoveltoRobertBecker.AnditwouldbeabetternovelthanOfTimeandtheRiver.Harrykeptpouringtheroundsandwekeptdrinkingthemdown.Thekitchenwasbluewithcigarettesmoke.Marshbirddroppedoutfirst.Hehadaverylargenose,hejustshookhishead,nomore,nomore,andallyoucouldseewasthislongnosewaving"no"inthebluesmoke.Elliswasthenexttodropout.Hehadalotofhaironhischestbutevidentlynotmuchonhisballs.Dogfacewasnext.Hejustjumpedupandrantothecrapperandpuked.ListeningtohimHarrygotthesameideaandleapedupandpukedinthesink.Thatleftme,Becker,StinkyandTheRipper.Beckerquitnext.Hejustfoldedhisarmsonthetable,puthisheaddowninhisarmsandthatwasit."Thenight'ssoyoung,"Isaid."Iusuallydrinkuntilthesuncomesup.""Yeah,"saidTheRipper,"youshitinabaskettoo!""Yeah,andit'sshapedlikeyourhead."TheRipperstoodup."Youson-of-a-bitch,I'llbustyourass!"Heswungatmefromacrossthetable,missedandknockedoverthebottle.Lanagotaragandmoppeditup.Harryopenedabottle."Sitdown,Rip,oryouforfeityourbet,"Harrysaid.Harrypouredanewround.Wedrankthemdown.TheRipperstoodup,walkedtothereardoor,openeditandlookedoutintothenight."Hey,Rip,whatthehellyoudoing?"Stinkyasked."I'mcheckingtoseeifthere'safullmoon.""Well,isthere?"Therewasnoanswer.Weheardhimfallthroughthedoor,downthestepsandintothebushes.Welefthimthere.ThatleftmeandStinky."I'veneverseenanybodytakeStinkyyet,"saidHarry.LanahadjustputGobblestobed.Shewalkedbackintothekitchen."Jesus,therearedeadbodiesallovertheplace.""Pour'em,Harry,"Isaid.HarryfilledStinky'sglass,thenmine.IknewtherewasnowayIcouldgetthatdrinkdown.IdidtheonlythingIcoulddo.Ipretendeditwaseasy.Igrabbedtheshotglassandbelteditdown.Stinkyjuststaredatme."I'llberightback.Igottagotothecrapper."Wesatandwaited."Stinky'saniceguy,"Isaid."Youshouldn'tcallhimStinky.How'dhegetthatname?""Idunno,"saidHarry,"somebodyjustlaiditonhim.""Thatguyinthebackofyourcar.Heevergoingtocomeout?""Nottillmorning."Wesatandwaited."Ithink,"saidHarry,"webettertakealook."Weopenedthebathroomdoor.Stinkydidn'tappeartobeinthere.Thenwesawhim.Hehadfallenintothebathtub.Hisfeetstuckupovertheedge.Hiseyeswereclosed,hewasdowninthere,andout.Wewalkedbacktothetable."Themoney'syours,"saidHarry."Howaboutlettingmepayforsomeofthosebottlesofwhiskey?""Forgetit.""Youmeanit?" 132"Yes,ofcourse."Ipickedupthemoneyandputitinmyrightfrontpocket.ThenIlookedatStinky'sdrink."Nousewastingthis,"Isaid."Youmeanyou'regoingtodrinkthat?"askedLana."Whynot?Onefortheroad..."Igulpeditdown."O.K.,seeyouguys,it'sbeengreat!""Goodnight,Hank..."Iwalkedoutthebackdoor,steppingoverTheRipper'sbody.Ifoundabackalleyandtookaleft.IwalkedalongandIsawagreenChevysedan.IstaggeredabitasIapproachedit.Igrabbedthereardoorhandletosteadymyself.Thegod-damneddoorwasunlockedanditswungopen,knockingmesideways.Ifellhard,skinningmyleftelbowonthepavement.Therewasafullmoon.Thewhiskeyhadhitmeallatonce.IfeltasifIcouldn'tgetup.Ihadtogetup.Iwassupposedtobeatoughguy.Irose,fellagainstthehalf-opendoor,grabbedatit,heldit.ThenIhadtheinsidehandleandwassteadyingmyself.IgotmyselfintothebackseatandthenIjustsatthere.Isatthereforsometime.ThenIstartedtopuke.Itreallycame.Itcameanditcame,itcoveredtherearfloorboard.ThenIsatforawhile.ThenImanagedtogetoutofthecar.Ididn'tfeelasdizzy.ItookoutmyhandkerchiefandwipedthevomitoffmypantlegsandoffofmyshoesasbestIcould.Iclosedthecardoorandwalkedondownthealley.Ihadtofindthe"W"streetcar.Iwouldfindit.Idid.Irodeitin.ImadeitdownWestviewStreet,walkeddown21stStreet,turnedsouthdownLongwoodAvenueto2122.Iwalkeduptheneighbor'sdriveway,foundtheberrybush,crawledoverit,throughtheopenscreenandintomybedroom.Iundressedandwenttobed.Imusthaveconsumedoveraquartofwhiskey.Myfatherwasstillsnoring,justashehadbeenwhenIhadleft,onlyatthemomentitwaslouderanduglier.Isleptanyhow.AsusualIapproachedMr.Hamilton'sEnglishclassthirtyminuteslate.Itwas7:30a.m.Istoodoutsidethedoorandlistened.TheywereatGilbertandSullivanagain.AnditwasstillallaboutgoingtotheseaandtheQueen'sNavy.Hamiltoncouldn'tgetenoughofthat.InhighschoolI'dhadanEnglishteacherandithadbeenPoe,Poe,EdgarAllanPoe.Iopenedthedoor.Hamiltonwentoverandliftedtheneedlefromtherecord.Thenheannouncedtotheclass,"WhenMr.Chinaskiarriveswealwaysknowthatitis7:30a.m.Mr.Chinaskiisalwaysontime.Theonlyproblembeingthatitisthewrongtime."Hepaused,glancingatthefacesinhisclass.Hewasvery,verydignified.Thenhelookedatme."Mr.Chinaski,whetheryouarriveat7:30a.m.orwhetheryouarriveatallwillnotmatter.Iamassigningyoua'D'forEnglish1""A'D,'Mr.Hamilton?"Iasked,flashingmyfamoussneer."Whynotan'F'?""Because'F,'attimes,equateswith'Fuck.'AndIdon'tthinkyou'rewortha'Fuck."'Theclasscheeredandroaredandstompedandstamped.Iturnedaround,walkedout,closedthedoorbehindme.Iwalkeddownthehallway,stillhearingthemgoingatitinthere. 13352ThewarwasgoingverywellinEurope,forHitler.Mostofthestudentsweren'tveryvocalonthematter.Buttheinstructorswere,theywerealmostallleft-wingandanti-German.Thereseemedtobenoright-wingfactionamongtheinstructorsexceptforMr.Glasgow,inEconomics,andhewasverydiscreetaboutit.ItwasintellectuallypopularandpropertobeforgoingtowarwithGermany,tostopthespreadoffascism.Asforme,IhadnodesiretogotowartoprotectthelifeIhadorwhatfutureImighthave.IhadnoFreedom.Ihadnothing.WithHitleraround,maybeI'devengetapieceofassnowandthenandmorethanadollaraweekallowance.AsfarasIcouldrationalize,Ihadnothingtoprotect.Also,havingbeenborninGermany,therewasanaturalloyaltyandIdidn'tliketoseethewholeGermannation,thepeople,depictedeverywhereasmonstersandidiots.InthemovietheatrestheyspeededupthenewsreelstomakeHitlerandMussolinilooklikefreneticmadmen.Also,withalltheinstructorsbeinganti-GermanIfounditpersonallyimpossibletosimplyagreewiththem.OutofsheeralienationandanaturalcontrarinessIdecidedtoalignmyselfagainsttheirpointofview.IhadneverreadMeinKampfandhadnodesiretodoso.Hitlerwasjustanotherdictatortome,onlyinsteadoflecturingmeatthedinnertablehe'dprobablyblowmybrainsoutormyballsoffifIwenttowartostophim.Sometimesastheinstructorstalkedonandonabouttheevilsofnazism(weweretoldalwaystospell"nazi"withasmall"n"evenatthebeginningofasentence)andfascismIwouldleaptomyfeetandmakesomethingup:"Thesurvivalofthehumanracedependsuponselectiveaccountability!"Whichmeant,watchoutwhoyougotobedwith,butonlyIknewthat.Itreallypissedeverybodyoff.Idon'tknowwhereIgotmystuff:"OneofthefailuresofDemocracyisthatthecommonvoteguaranteesacommonleaderwhothenleadsustoacommonapatheticpredictability!"IavoidedanydirectreferencetoJewsandBlacks,whohadnevergivenmeanytrouble.Allmytroubleshadcomefromwhitegentiles.Thus,Iwasn'tanazibytemperamentorchoice;theteachersmoreorlessforceditonmebybeingsomuchalikeandthinkingsomuchalikeandwiththeiranti-Germanprejudice.Ihadalsoreadsomewherethatifamandidn'ttrulybelieveorunderstandwhathewasespousing,somehowhecoulddoamoreconvincingjob,whichgavemeaconsiderableadvantageovertheteachers."Breedaplowhorsetoaracehorseandyougetanoffspringthatisneitherswiftnorstrong.AnewMasterRacewillevolvefrompurposefulbreeding!""Therearenogoodwarsorbadwars.Theonlythingbadaboutawaristoloseit.Allwarshavebeenfoughtforaso-calledgoodCauseonbothsides.Butonlythevictor'sCausebecomeshistory'sNobleCause.It'snotamatterofwhoisrightorwhoiswrong,it'samatterofwhohasthebestgeneralsandthebetterarmy!"Ilovedit.IcouldmakeupanythingIliked.Ofcourse,Iwastalkingmyselffurtherandfurtherawayfromanychancewiththegirls.ButIhadneverbeenthatcloseanyhow.IfiguredbecauseofmywildspeechesIwasaloneoncampusbutitwasn'tso.Someothershadbeenlistening.Oneday,walkingtomyCurrentAffairsclass,Iheardsomebodywalkingupbehindme.Ineverlikedanybodywalkingbehindme,notclose.SoIturnedasIwalked.Itwasthestudentbodypresident,BoydTaylor.Hewasverypopularwiththestudents,theonlymaninthehistoryofthecollegetohavebeenelectedpresidenttwice."Hey,Chinaski,Iwanttotalktoyou."I'dnevercaredtoomuchforBoyd,hewasthetypicalgood-lookingAmericanyouthwithaguaranteedfuture,alwaysproperlydressed,casual,smooth, 134everyhairofhisblackmustachetrimmed.Whathisappealwastothestudentbody,Ihadnoidea.Hewalkedalongbesideme."Don'tyouthinkitlooksbadforyou,Boyd,tobeseenwalkingwithme?""I'llworryaboutthat.""Allright.Whatisit?""Chinaski,thisisjustbetweenyouandme,gotit?""Sure.""Listen,Idon'tbelieveinwhatguyslikeyoustandfororwhatyou'retryingtodo.""So?""ButIwantyoutoknowthatifyouwinhereandinEuropeI'mwillingtojoinyourside."Icouldonlylookathimandlaugh.HestoodthereasIwalkedon.Nevertrustamanwithaperfectly-trimmedmustache...Otherpeoplehadbeenlisteningaswell.ComingoutofCurrentAffairsIranintoBaldystandingtherewithaguyfivefeettallandthreefeetwide.Theguy'sheadwassunkdownintohisshoulders,hehadaveryroundhead,smallears,croppedhair,peaeyes,tinywetroundmouth.Anut,Ithought,akiller."HEY,HANK!"Baldyhollered.Iwalkedover."Ithoughtwewerefinished,LaCrosse.""Ohno!Therearegreatthingsstilltodo!"Shit!Baldywasonetoo!WhydidtheMasterRacemovementdrawnothingbutmentalandphysicalcripples?"IwantyoutomeetIgorStirnov."Ireachedoutandweshookhands.Hesqueezedminewithallhisstrength.Itreallyhurt."Letgo,"Isaid,"orI'llbustyourfuckingmissingneck!"Igorletgo."Idon'ttrustmenwithlimphandshakes.Whydoyouhavealimphandshake?""I'mweaktoday.TheyburnedmytoastforbreakfastandatlunchIspilledmychocolatemilk."IgorturnedtoBaldy."What'swiththisguy?""Don'tworryabouthim.He'sgothisownways."Igorlookedatmeagain."MygrandfatherwasaWhiteRussian.DuringtheRevolutiontheRedskilledhim.Imustgetevenwiththosebastards!""Isee."Thenanotherstudentcamewalkingtowardus."Hey,Fenster!"Baldyhollered.Fensterwalkedup.Weshookhands.Igavehimalimpone.Ididn'tliketoshakehands.Fenster'sfirstnamewasBob.TherewastobeameetingatahouseinGlendale,theAmericansforAmericaParty.Fensterwasthecampusrepresentative.Hewalkedoff.Baldyleanedoverandwhisperedintomyear,"They'reNazis!"Igorhadacarandagallonofrum.WemetinfrontofBaldy'shouse,Igorpassedthebottle.Goodstuff,itreallyburnedthemembranesofthethroat,Igordrovehiscarlikeatank,rightthroughstopsignals.Peopleblewtheirhornsandslammedontheirbrakesandhewavedafakeblackpistolatthem."Hey,Igor,"saidBaldy,"showHankyourpistol."Igorwasdriving.BaldyandIwereintheback.Igorpassedmehispistol.Ilookedatit."It'sgreat!"Baldysaid."Hecarveditoutofwoodandstaineditwithblackshoepolish.Looksreal,doesn'tit?""Yeah,"Isaid."He'sevendrilledaholeinthebarrel."IhandedthegunbacktoIgor."Verynice,"Isaid.Hehandedbackthejugofrum.ItookahitandhandedthebottletoBaldy.Helookedatmeandsaid,"HeilHitler!"Wewerethelasttoarrive.Itwasalargehandsomehouse.Weweremetatthedoorbyafatsmilingboywholookedlikehehadspentalifetimeeatingchestnutsbythefire.Hisparentsdidn'tseemtobeabout.HisnamewasLarryKearny.Wefollowedhimthroughthebighouseanddowna 135longdarkstairway.AllIcouldseewasKearny'sshouldersandhead.Hewascertainlyawell-fedfellowandlookedtobefarsanerthanBaldy,Igorormyself.Maybetherewouldbesomethingtolearnhere.Thenwewereinthecellar.Wefoundsomechairs.Fensternoddedtous.ThereweresevenotherstherewhomIdidn'tknow.Therewasadeskonaraisedplatform.Larrywalkedupandstoodbehindthedesk.BehindhimonthewallwasalargeAmericanflag.Larrystoodverystraight."WewillnowpledgeallegiancetotheflagoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica!"Mygod,Ithought,Iaminthewrongplace!Westoodandtookthepledge,butIstoppedafter"Ipledgeallegiance..."Ididn'tsaytowhat.Wesatdown.Larrystartedtalkingfrombehindthedesk.Heexplainedthatsincethiswasthefirstmeeting,hewouldpreside.Aftertwoorthreemeetings,afterwegottoknowoneanother,apresidentcouldbeelectedifwewished.Butmeanwhile..."Wefacehere,inAmerica,twothreatstoourliberty.Wefacethecommunistscourge.andtheblacktakeover.Mostoftentheyworkhandinhand.WetrueAmericanswillgatherhereinanattempttocounterthisscourge,thismenace.Ithasgottensothatnodecentwhitegirlcanwalkthestreetsanymorewithoutbeingaccostedbyablackmale!"Igorleapedup."We'llkillthem!""Thecommunistswanttodividethewealthforwhichwehaveworkedsolong,whichourfatherslaboredfor,andtheirfathersbeforethemworkedfor.Thecommunistswanttogiveourmoneytoeveryblackman,homo,bum,murdererandchildmolesterwhowalksourstreets!""We'llkillthem!""Theymustbestopped.""We'llarm!""Yes,we'llarm!Andwe'llmeethereandformulateamasterplantosaveAmerica!"Thefellowscheered.Twoorthreeofthemyelled,"HeilHitler!"Thentheget-to-know-each-othertimearrived.Larrypassedoutcoldbeersandwestoodaroundinlittlegroupstalking,notmuchbeingsaid,exceptwereachedageneralagreementthatweneededtargetpracticesothatwewouldbeexpertwithourgunswhenthetimecame.WhenwegotbacktoIgor'shousehisparentsdidn'tseemtobeabout,either,Igorgotoutafryingpan,putinfourcubesofbutter,andbegantomeltthem.Hetooktherum,putitinalargepotandwarmeditup."Thisiswhatmendrink,"hesaid.ThenhelookedatBaldy."Areyouaman,Baldy?"Baldywasalreadydrunk.Hestoodverystraight,handsdownathissides."YES,I'MAMAN!"Hestartedtoweep.Thetearscamerollingdown."I'MAMAN!"Hestoodverystraightandyelled,"HEILHITLER!"thetearsrolling.Igorlookedatme."Areyouaman?""Idon'tknow.Isthatrumready?""I'mnotsureItrustyou.I'mnotsosurethatyouareoneofus.Areyouacounter-spy?Areyouanenemyagent?""No.""Areyouoneofus?""Idon'tknow.OnlyonethingI'msureof.""What'sthat?""Idon'tlikeyou.Istherumready?""Yousee?"saidBaldy."Itoldyouhewasmean!""We'llseewhoisthemeanestbeforethenightisended,"saidIgor.Igorpouredthemeltedbutterintotheboilingrum,thenshutofftheflameandstirred.Ididn'tlikehimbuthecertainlywasdifferentandIlikedthat.Thenhefoundthreedrinkingcups,large,blue,withRussianwritingonthem.Hepouredthebutteredrumintothecups."O.K."hesaid,"drinkup!""Shit,it'sabouttime,"IsaidandIletitslidedown.Itwasalittletoohotanditstank.IwatchedIgordrinkhis.Isawhislittlepeaeyesovertherimofhiscup.Hemanagedtogetitdown,dribletsofgoldenbutteredrumleakingoutofthecornersofhisstupidmouth.Hewaslooking 136atBaldy.Baldywasstanding,staringdownintohiscup.IknewfromtheolddaysthatBaldyjustdidn'thaveanaturalloveofdrinking.IgorstaredatBaldy."Drinkup!""Yes,Igor,yes..."Baldyliftedthebluecup.Hewashavingadifficulttime.Itwastoohotforhimandhedidn'tlikethetaste.Halfofitranoutofhismouthandoverhischinandontohisshirt.Hisemptycupfelltothekitchenfloor.IgorsquaredhimselfinfrontofBaldy."You'renotaman!""IAMAMAN,IGOR!IAMAMAN!""YOULIE!"IgorbackhandedhimacrossthefaceandasBaldy'sheadjumpedtooneside,hestraightenedhimupwithaslaptotheothersideofhisface.Baldystoodatattentionwithhishandsrigidlyathissides."I'm...aman..,"Igorcontinuedtostandinfrontofhim."I'llmakeamanoutofyou!""O.K.,"IsaidtoIgor,"leavehimalone."Igorleftthekitchen.Ipouredmyselfanotherrum.Itwasdreadfulstuffbutitwasalltherewas.Igorwalkedbackin.Hewasholdingagun,arealone,anoldsix-shooter."WewillnowplayRussianroulette,"heannounced."Yourmother'sass,"Isaid."I'llplay,Igor,"saidBaldy,"I'llplay!I'maman!""Allright,"saidIgor,"thereisonebulletinthegun.Iwillspinthechamberandhandtheguntoyou."IgorspunthechamberandhandedtheguntoBaldy.Baldytookitandpointeditathishead."I'maman...I'maman...I'lldoit!"Hebegancryingagain."I'lldoit...I'maman..."Baldyletthemuzzleofthegunslipawayfromhistemple.Hepointeditawayfromhisskullandpulledthetrigger.Therewasaclick.Igortookthegun,spunthechamberandhandedittome.Ihandeditback."Yougofirst."Igorspunthechamber,heldthegunuptothelightandlookedthroughthechamber.Thenheputtheguntohistempleandpulledthetrigger.Therewasaclick."Bigdeal,"Isaid."Youcheckedthechambertoseewherethebulletwas."Igorspunthechamberandhandedtheguntome."Yourturn..."Ihandedthegunback."Stuffit,"Itoldhim.Iwalkedovertopourmyselfanotherrum.AsIdidtherewasashot.Ilookeddown.Nearmyfoot,inthekitchenfloor,therewasabullethole.Iturnedaround."YoueverpointthatthingatmeagainandI'llkillyou,Igor.""Yeah?""Yeah."Hestoodtheresmiling.Heslowlybegantoraisethegun.Iwaited.Thenheloweredthegun.Thatwasaboutitforthenight.WewentouttothecarandIgordroveushome.ButwestoppedfirstatWestlakeParkandrentedaboatandwentoutonthelaketofinishofftherum.Withthelastdrink,Igorloadedupthegunandshotholesinthebottomoftheboat.Wewerefortyyardsfromshoreandhadtoswimin...ItwaslatewhenIgothome.Icrawledovertheoldberrybushandthroughthebedroomwindow.Iundressedandwenttobedwhileinthenextroommyfathersnored. 13753IwascominghomefromclassesdownWestviewhill.Ineverhadanybookstocarry.Ipassedmyexamsbylisteningtotheclasslecturesandbyguessingattheanswers.Ineverhadtocramforexams.Icouldgetmy"C's."AndasIwascomingdownthehillIranintoagiantspiderweb.Iwasalwaysdoingthat.Istoodtherepullingthestickywebfrommyselfandlookingforthespider.ThenIsawhim:abigfatblackson-of-a-bitch.Icrushedhim.Ihadlearnedtohatespiders.WhenIwenttohellIwouldbeeatenbyaspider.Allmylife,inthatneighborhood,Ihadbeenwalkingintospiderwebs,Ihadbeenattackedbyblackbirds,Ihadlivedwithmyfather.Everythingwaseternallydreary,dismal,damned.Eventheweatherwasinsolentandbitchy.Itwaseitherunbearablyhotforweeksonend,oritrained,andwhenitraineditrainedforfiveorsixdays.Thewatercameupoverthelawnsandpouredintothehouses.Who'deverplannedthedrainagesystemhadprobablybeenwellpaidforhisignoranceaboutsuchmatters.Andmyownaffairswereasbad,asdismal,asthedayIhadbeenborn.TheonlydifferencewasthatnowIcoulddrinknowandthen,thoughneveroftenenough.Drinkwastheonlythingthatkeptamanfromfeelingforeverstunnedanduseless.Everythingelsejustkeptpickingandpicking,hackingaway.Andnothingwasinteresting,nothing.Thepeoplewererestrictiveandcareful,allalike.AndI'vegottolivewiththesefuckersfortherestofmylife,Ithought.God,theyallhadassholesandsexualorgansandtheirmouthsandtheirarmpits.Theyshitandtheychatteredandtheyweredullashorsedung.Thegirlslookedgoodfromadistance,thesunshiningthroughtheirdresses,theirhair.Butgetupcloseandlistentotheirmindsrunningoutoftheirmouths,youfeltlikedigginginunderahillandhidingoutwithatommy-gun.Iwouldcertainlyneverbeabletobehappy,togetmarried,Icouldneverhavechildren.Hell,Icouldn'tevengetajobasadishwasher.MaybeI'dbeabankrobber.Somegod-damnedthing.Somethingwithflare,fire.Youonlyhadoneshot.Whybeawindowwasher?Ilitacigaretteandwalkedfurtherdownthehill.WasItheonlypersonwhowasdistractedbythisfuturewithoutachance?Isawanotheroneofthosebigblackspiders.Hewasaboutface-high,inhisweb,rightinmypath.Itookmycigaretteandplaceditagainsthim.Thetremendouswebshookandleapedashejumped,thebranchesofthebushtrembled.Heleapedoutofthewebandfelltothesidewalk.Cowardlykillers,thewholebunchof.them.Icrushedhimwithmyshoe.Aworthwhileday,Ihadkilledtwospiders,Ihadupsetthebalanceofnature--nowwewouldallbeeatenupbythebugsandtheflies.Iwalkedfurtherdownthehill,Iwasnearthebottomwhenalargebushbegantoshake.TheKingSpiderwasafterme.Istrodeforwardtomeetit.Mymotherleapedoutfrombehindthebush."Henry,Henry,don'tgohome,don'tgohome,yourfatherwillkillyou!""How'shegoingtodothat?Icanwhiphisass.""No,he'sfurious,Henry!Don'tgohome,he'llkillyou!I'vebeenwaitinghereforhours!"Mymother'seyeswerewidewithfearandquitebeautiful,largeandbrown."What'shedoinghomethisearly?""Hehadaheadache,hegottheafternoonoff!""Ithoughtyouwereworking,thatyou'dfoundanewjob?"She'dgottenajobasahousekeeper."Hecameandgotme!He'sfurious.He'llkillyou.""Don'tworry,Mom,ifhemesseswithmeI'llkickhisgoddamnedass,Ipromiseyou.""Henry,hefoundyourshortstoriesandhereadthem!""Ineveraskedhimtoreadthem." 138"Hefoundtheminadrawer!Hereadthem,hereadallofthem!"Ihadwrittentenortwelveshortstories.Giveamanatypewriterandhebecomesawriter.Ihadhiddenthestoriesunderthepaperliningofmyshorts-and-stockingsdrawer."Well,"Isaid,"theoldmanpokedaroundandhegothisfingersburned.""Hesaidthathewasgoingtokillyou!Hesaidthatnosonofhiscouldwritestorieslikethatandliveunderthesameroofwithhim!"Itookherbythearm."Let'sgohome.Morn,andseewhathedoes...""Henry,he'sthrownallyourclothesoutonthefrontlawn,allyourdirtylaundry,yourtypewriter,yoursuitcaseandyourstories!""Mystories?""Yes,thosetoo...""I'llkillhim!"Ipulledawayfromherandwalkedacross21stStreetandtowardLongwoodAvenue.Shewentafterme."Henry,Henry,don'tgointhere."Thepoorwomanwasyankingatthebackofmyshirt."Henry,listen,getyourselfaroomsomewhere!Henry,Ihavetendollars!Takethistendollarsandgetyourselfaroomsomewhere!"Iturned.Shewasholdingouttheten."Forgetit,"Isaid."I'lljustgo.""Henry,takethemoney!Doitforme!Doitforyourmother!""Well,allright..."Itooktheten,putitinmypocket."Thanks,that'salotofmoney.""It'sallright,Henry.Iloveyou,Henry,butyoumustgo."SheranaheadofmeasIwalkedtowardthehouse.ThenIsawit:everythingwasstrewnacrossthelawn,allmydirtyandcleanclothes,thesuitcaseflungthereopen,socks,shirts,pajamas,anoldrobe,everythingflungeverywhere,onthelawnandintothestreet.AndIsawmymanuscriptsbeingblowninthewind,theywereinthegutter,everywhere.MymotherranupthedrivewaytothehouseandIscreamedafterhersohecouldhearme,"TELLHIMTOCOMEOUTHEREANDI'LLKNOCKHISGOD-DAMNEDHEADOFF!"Iwentaftermymanuscriptsfirst.Thatwasthelowestoftheblows,doingthattome.Theyweretheonethinghehadnorighttotouch.AsIpickedupeachpagefromthegutter,fromthelawnandfromthestreet,Ibegantofeelbetter.IfoundeverypageIcould,placedtheminthesuitcaseundertheweightofashoe,thenrescuedthetypewriter.Ithadbrokenoutofitscasebutitlookedallright.Ilookedatmyragsscatteredabout.Ileftthedirtylaundry,Ileftthepajamas,whichwereonlyahanded-downpairofhisdiscards.Therewasn'tmuchelsetopack.Iclosedthesuitcase,pickeditupwiththetypewriterandstartedtowalkaway.Icouldseetwofacespeeringaftermefrombehindthedrapes.ButIquicklyforgotthat,walkedupLongwood,across21standupoldWestviewhill.Ididn'tfeelmuchdifferentthanIhadalwaysfelt.Iwasneitherelatednordejected;itallseemedtobejustacontinuation.Iwasgoingtotakethe"W"streetcar,getatransfer,andgosomewheredowntown. 13954IfoundaroomonTempleStreetintheFilipinodistrict.Itwas$3.50aweek,upstairsonthesecondfloor.Ipaidthelandlady--amiddle-agedblond--aweek'srent.Thetoiletandtubweredownthehallbuttherewasawashbasintopissin.MyfirstnightthereIdiscoveredabardownstairsjusttotherightoftheentrance.Ilikedthat.AllIhadtodowasclimbthestairwayandIwashome.Thebarwasfulloflittledarkmenbuttheydidn'tbotherme.I'dheardallthestoriesaboutFilipinos--thattheylikedwhitegirls,blondsinparticular,thattheycarriedstilettoes,thatsincetheywereallthesamesize,sevenofthemwouldchipinandbuyoneexpensivesuit,withalltheaccessories,andtheywouldtaketurnswearingthesuitonenightaweek.GeorgeRafthadsaidsomewherethatFilipinossetthestyletrends.Theystoodonstreetcornersandswunggoldenchainsaroundandaround,thingoldenchains,sevenoreightincheslong,eachman'schain-lengthindicatingthelengthofhispenis.ThebartenderwasFilipino."You'renew,hub?"heasked."Iliveupstairs.I'mastudent.""Nocredit."Iputsomecoinsdown."GivemeanEastside."Hecamebackwiththebottle."Wherecanafellowgetagirl?"Iasked.Hepickedupsomeofthecoins."Idon'tknowanything,"hesaidandwalkedtotheregister.ThatfirstnightIclosedthebar.Nobodybotheredme.AfewblondwomenleftwiththeFilipinos.Themenwerequietdrinkers.Theysatinlittlegroupswiththeirheadsclosetogether,talking,nowandthenlaughinginaveryquietmanner.Ilikedthem.WhenthebarclosedandIgotuptoleavethebartendersaid,"Thankyou."ThatwasneverdoneinAmericanbars,nottomeanyhow.Ilikedmynewsituation.AllIneededwasmoney.Idecidedtokeepgoingtocollege.Itwouldgivemesomeplacetobeduringthedaytime.MyfriendBeckerhaddroppedout.Therewasn'tanybodythatImuchcaredforthereexceptmaybetheinstructorinAnthropology,aknownCommunist.Hedidn'tteachmuchAnthropology.Hewasalargeman,casualandlikeable."Nowthewayyoufryaporterhousesteak,"hetoldtheclass,"yougetthepanredhot,youdrinkashotofwhiskeyandthenyoupourathinlayerofsaltinthepan.Youdropthesteakinandsearitbutnotfortoolong.Thenyouflipit,seartheotherside,drinkanothershotofwhiskey,takethesteakoutandeatitimmediately."OncewhenIwasstretchedoutonthecampuslawnhehadcomewalkingbyandhadstoppedandstretchedoutbesideme."Chinaski,youdon'tbelieveallthatNazihokumyou'respreadingaround,doyou?""I'mnotsaying.Doyoubelieveyourcrap?""OfcourseIdo.""Goodluck.""Chinaski,you'renothingbutawienerschnitzel."Hegotup,brushedoffthegrassandleavesandwalkedaway... 140IhadbeenattheTempleStreetplaceonlyforacoupleofdayswhenJimmyHatcherfoundme.HeknockedonthedooronenightandIopeneditandtherehewaswithtwootherguys,fellowaircraftworkers,onecalledDelmore,theother,Fastshoes."Howcomehe'scalled'Fastshoes'?""Youeverlendhimmoney,you'llknow.""Comeonin...HowinChrist'snamedidyoufindme?""Yourfolkshadyoutracedbyaprivatedick.""Damn,theyknowhowtotaketheboyoutofaman'slife.""Maybethey'reworried?""Ifthey'reworriedalltheyhavetodoissendmoney.""Theyclaimyou'lldrinkitup.""Thenletthemworry..."Thethreeofthemcameinandsataroundonthebedandthefloor.Theyhadafifthofwhiskeyandsomepapercups.Jimmypouredallaround."Niceplaceyou'vegot.here.""It'sgreat.IcanseetheCityHalleverytimeIstickmyheadoutthewindow."Fastshoespulledadeckofcardsfromhispocket.Hewassittingontherug.Helookedupatme."Yougamble?""Everyday.Yougotamarkeddeck?""Hey,youson-of-a-bitch!""Don'tcursemeorI'llhangyourwigonmymantlepiece.""Honest,man,thesecardsarestraight!""AllIplayispokerand21.What'sthelimit?""Twobucks.""We'llsplitforthedeal."Igotthedealandcalledfordrawpoker,regular.Ididn'tlikewildcards,toomuchluckwasneededthatway.Twobitsforthekitty.AsIdealt,Jimmypouredanotherround."Howareyoumakingit.Hank?""I'mwritingtermpapersfortheotherpeople.""Brilliant.""Yeah...""Hey,youguys,"saidJimmy,"Itoldyouthisguywasagenius.""Yeah,"saidDelmore.Hewastomyright.Heopened."Twobits,"hesaid.Wefollowedhimin."Threecards,"saidDelmore."One,"saidJimmy."Three,"saidFastshoes."I'llstand,"Isaid."Twobits,"saidDelmore.WeallstayedinandthenIsaid,"I'llseeyourtwobitsandraiseyoutwobucks."Delmoredroppedout,Jimmydroppedout.Fastshoeslookedatme."WhatelsedoyouseebesidesCityHallwhenyoustickyourheadoutthewindow?""Justplayyourhand.I'mnotheretochataboutgymnasticsorthescenery.""Allright,"hesaid,"I'mout."Iscoopedupthepotandgatheredintheircards,leavingminefacedown."Whatdidyahave?"askedFastshoes."Paytoseeorweepforever,"Isaidsweepingmycardsintothedeckandmixingthemtogether,shufflingthem,feelinglikeGablebeforehegotweakenedbyGodatthetimeoftheSanFranciscoearthquake.Thedeckchangedhandsbutmyluckheld,mostofthetime.Ithadbeenpaydayattheaircraftplant.Neverbringalotofmoneytowhereapoormanlives.Hecanonlylosewhatlittlehehas.Ontheotherhanditismathematicallypossiblethathemightwinwhateveryoubringwithyou.Whatyoumustdo,withmoneyandthepoor,isneverletthemgettooclosetooneanother.SomehowIfeltthatthenightwastobemine.Delmoresoontappedoutandleft."Fellows,"Isaid,"I'vegotanidea.Cardsaretooslow.Let'sjustmatchcoins,tenbucksatoss,oddmanwins.""O.K.,"saidJimmy."O.K.,"saidFastshoes.Thewhiskeywasgone.Wewereintoabottleofmycheapwine."Allright,"Isaid,"flipthecoinshigh!Catchthemonyourpalms.AndwhenIsaylift,'we'llchecktheresult."Weflippedthemhigh.Caughtthem."Lift!"Isaid.Iwasoddman.Shit.Twentybucks,justlikethat.Ijammedthetensintomypocket. 141"Flip!"Isaid.Wedid."Lift!"Isaid.Iwonagain."Flip!"Isaid."Lift!"Isaid.Fastshoeswon.Igotthenext.ThenJimmywon.Igotthenexttwo."Wait,"Isaid,"I'vegottopiss!"Iwalkedovertothesinkandpissed.Wehadfinishedthebottleofwine.Iopenedtheclosetdoor."Igotanotherbottleofwineinhere,"Itoldthem.Itookmostofthebillsoutofmypocketandthrewthemintothecloset.Icameout,openedthebottle,poureddrinksallaround."Shit,"saidFastshoeslookingintohiswallet,"I'malmostbroke.""Metoo,"saidJimmy."Iwonderwho'sgotthemoney?"Iasked.Theyweren'tverygooddrinkers.Mixingthewineandthewhiskeywasbadforthem.Theywereweavingabit.Fastshoesfellbackagainstthedresserknockinganashtraytothefloor.Itbrokeinhalf."Pickitup,"Isaid."Iwon'tpickupshit,"hesaid."Isaid,'pickitup'!""Iwon'tpickupshit."Jimmyreachedandpickedupthebrokenashtray."Youguysgetoutofhere,"Isaid."Youcan'tmakemego,"saidFastshoes."Allright,"Isaid,"justopenyourmouthowemoretime,sayowewordandyouwon'tbeabletoseparateyourheadfromyourasshole!""Let'sgo,Fastshoes,"saidJimmy.Iopenedthedoorandtheyfiledpastunsteadily.Ifollowedthemdownthehalltotheheadofthestairway.Westoodthere."Hank,"saidJimmy,"I'llseeyouagain.Takeiteasy.""Allright,Jim...""Listen,"Fastshoessaidtome,"You..."Ishotastraightrightintohismouth.Hefellbackwarddownthestairway,twistingandbouncing.Hewasaboutmysize,sixfeetandone-eighty,andyoucouldhearthesoundofhimforablock.TwoFilipinosandtheblondlandladywereinthelobby.TheylookedatFastshoeslayingtherebuttheydidn'tmovetowardhim."Youkilledhim!"saidJimmy.HerandownthestairwayandturnedFastshoesover.Fastshoeshadabloodynoseandmouth.Jimmyheldhishead.Jimmylookedupatme."Thatwasn'tright,Hank...""Yeah,whatyagonnado?""Ithink,"saidJimmy,"thatwe'regoingtocomebackandgetyou...""Waitaminute,"Isaid.Iwalkedbacktomyroomandpouredmyselfawine.Ihadn'tlikedJimmy'spapercupsandIhadbeendrinkingoutofausedjellyglass.Thepaperlabelwasstillontheside,stainedwithdirtandwine.Iwalkedbackout.Fastshoeswasreviving.Jimmywashelpinghimtohisfeet.ThenheputFastshoes'armaroundhisneck.Theywerestandingthere."Nowwhatdidyousay?"Iasked."You'reanuglyman,Hank.Youneedtobetaughtalesson.""YoumeanI'mnotpretty?""Imean,youactugly...""TakeyourfriendoutofherebeforeIcomedownthereandfinishhimoff!"Fastshoesraisedhisbloodyhead.HehadonafloweredHawaiianshirt,onlynowmanyofthecolorswerestainedwithred.Helookedatme.Thenhespoke.Icouldbarelyhearhim.ButIheardit.Hesaid,"I'mgoingtokillyou...""Yeah,"saidJimmy,"we'llgetyou.""YEAH,FUCKERS?"Iscreamed."I'MNOTGOINGANYWHERE!ANYTIMEYOUWANTTOFINDMEI'LLBEINROOM5!I'LLBEWAITING!ROOM5,GOTIT?ANDTHEDOORWILLBEOPEN!" 142Iliftedthejellyglassfullofwineanddrainedit.ThenIhurledthatjellyglassatthem.Ithrewtheson-of-a-bitch,hard.Butmyaimwasbad.Ithitthesideofthestairwaywall,glancedoffandshotintothelobbybetweenthelandladyandhertwoFilipinofriends.JimmyturnedFastshoestowardtheexitdoorandbeganslowlywalkinghimout.Itwasatedious,agonizingjourney.IheardFastshoesagain,halfmoaning,halfweeping,"I'llkillhim...I'llkillhim..."ThenJimmyhadhimoutthedoorway.Theyweregone.TheblondlandladyandthetwoFilipinoswerestillstandinginthelobby,lookingupatme.Iwasbarefooted,andhadgonefiveorsixdayswithoutashave.Ineededahaircut.Ionlycombedmyhaironce,inthemorning,thendidn'tbotheragain.Mygymteacherswerealwaysaftermeaboutmyposture:"Pullyourshouldersback!Whyareyoulookingattheground?What'sdownthere?"Iwouldneversetanytrendsorstyles.Mywhitet-shirtwasstainedwithwine,burned,withmanycigarettesandcigarholes,spottedwithbloodandvomit.Itwastoosmall,itrodeupexposingmygutandbellybutton.Andmypantsweretoosmall.Theygrippedmetightlyandrosewellabovemyankles.Thethreeofthemstoodandlookedatme.Ilookeddownatthem."Hey,youguys,comeonupforalittledrink!"Thetwolittlemenlookedupatmeandgrinned.Thelandlady,afadedCaroleLombardtype,lookedonimpassively.Mrs.Kansas,theycalledher.Couldshebeinlovewithme?Shewaswearingpinkshoeswithhighheelsandablacksparklingsequinneddress.Littlechipsoflightflashedatme.Herbreastsweresomethingthatnomeremortalwouldeversee--theywereonlyforkings,dictators,rulers,Filipinos."Anybodygotasmoke?"Iasked."I'moutofsmokes."ThelittledarkfellowstandingtoonesideofMrs.KansasmadeaslightmotionwithonehandtowardhisjacketpocketandapackofCamelsjumpedinthelobbyair.Deftlyhecaughtthepackinhisotherhand.Withtheinvisibletapofafingeronthebottomofthepackasmokeleapedup,tall,true,singularandexposed,readytobetaken."Hey,shit,thanks,"Isaid.Istarteddownthestairway,madeamis-step,lunged,almostfell,grabbedthebannister,rightedmyself,readjustedmyperceptions,andwalkedondown.WasIdrunk?Iwalkeduptothelittleguyholdingthepack.Ibowedslightly.IliftedouttheCamel.ThenIflippeditintheair,caughtit,stuckitintomymouth.Mydarkfriendremainedexpressionless,thegrinhavingvanishedwhenIhadbegundownthestairway.Mylittlefriendbentforward,cuppedhishandsaroundtheflameandlitmysmoke.Iinhaled,exhaled."Listen,whydon'tyouallcomeuptomyplaceandwe'llhaveacoupleofdrinks?""No,"saidthelittleguywhohadlitmycigarette."MaybewecancatchtheBeeorsomeBachonmyradio!I'meducated,youknow.I'mastudent...""No,"saidtheotherlittleguy.Itookabigdragonmysmoke,thenlookedatCaroleLombard--Mrs.Kansas.ThenIlookedatmytwofriends."She'syours.Idon'twanther.She'syours.Justcomeonup.We'lldrinkalittlewine.Ingoodoldroom5."Therewasnoanswer.Irockedonmyheelsabitasthewhiskeyandthewinefoughtforpossession.IletmycigarettedangleabitfromtherightsideofmymouthasIsentupaplumeofsmoke.Icontinuedlettingthecigarettedanglelikethat.Iknewaboutstilettoes.InthelittletimeIhadbeenthereIhadseentwoenactmentsofthestiletto.Frommywindowonenight,lookingoutatthesoundofsirens,Isawabodytherejustbelowmy 143windowontheTempleStreetsidewalk,inthemoonlight,underthestreetlight.Anothertime,anotherbody.Nightsofthestiletto.Onceawhiteman,theothertimeoneofthem.Eachtime,bloodrunningonthepavement,realblood,justlikethat,movingacrossthepavementandintothegutter,youcouldseeitgoingalonginthegutter,meaningless,dumb...thatsomuchbloodcouldcomefromjustoneman."Allright,myfriends,"Isaidtothem,"nohardfeelings.I'lldrinkalone..."Iturnedandstartedtowalktowardthestairway."Mr.Chinaski,"IheardMrs.Kansas'voice.Iturnedandlookedatherflankedbymytwolittlefriends."Justgotoyourroomandsleep.IfyoucauseanymoredisturbanceIwillphonetheLosAngelesPoliceDepartment."Iturnedandwalkedbackupthestairway.Nolifeanywhere,nolifeinthistownorthisplaceorinthiswearyexistence...Mydoorwasopen.Iwalkedin.Therewasone-thirdofacheapbottleofwineleft.Maybetherewasanotherbottleinthecloset?Iopenedtheclosetdoor.Nobottle.Butthereweretensandtwentieseverywhere.Therewasarolledtwentylyingbetweenapairofdirtysockswithholesinthetoes;andtherefromashirtcollar,atendangling;andherefromanoldjacket,anothertencaughtinasidepocket.Mostofthemoneywasonthefloor.Ipickedupabill,slippeditintothesidepocketofmypants,wenttothedoor,closedandlockedit,thenwentdownthestairwaytothebar. 14455AcoupleofnightslaterBeckerwalkedin.Iguessmyparentsgavehimmyaddressorhelocatedmethroughthecollege.Ihadmynameandaddresslistedwiththeemploymentdivisionatthecollege,under"unskilledlabor.""Iwilldoanythinghonestorotherwise,"Ihadwrittenonmycard.Nocalls.BeckersatinachairasIpouredthewine.HehadonaMarineuniform."Iseetheysuckedyouin,"Isaid."IlostmyWesternUnionjob.Itwasallthatwasleft."Ihandedhimhisdrink."You'renotapatriotthen?""Hellno.""WhytheMarines?""Iheardaboutbootcamp.IwantedtoseeifIcouldgetthroughit.""Andyoudid.""Idid.Therearesomecrazyguysthere.There'safightalmosteverynight.Nobodystopsit.Theyalmostkilleachother.""Ilikethat.""Whydon'tyoujoin?""Idon'tliketogetupearlyinthemorningandIdon'tliketotakeorders.""Howareyougoingtomakeit?""Idon'tknow.WhenIgetdowntomylastdimeI'lljustwalkovertoskidrow.""Therearesomerealweirdoesdownthere.""They'reeverywhere."IpouredBeckeranotherwine."Theproblemis,"hesaid,"thatthere'snotmuchtimetowrite.""Youstillwanttobeawriter?""Sure.Howaboutyou?""Yeah,"Isaid,"butit'sprettyhopeless.""Youmeanyou'renotgoodenough?""No,they'renotgoodenough.""Whatdoyoumean?""Youreadthemagazines?The'BestShortStoriesoftheYear'books?Thereareatleastadozenofthem.""Yeah,Ireadthem...""YoureadTheNewYorker"Harper's?TheAtlantic?""Yeah...""Thisis1940.They'restillpublishing19thCenturystuff,heavy,labored,pretentious.Youeithergetaheadachereadingthestufforyoufallasleep."."What'swrong?""It'satrick,it'sacon,alittleinsidegame.""Soundslikeyou'vebeenrejected.""IknewIwouldbe.Whywastethestamps?Ineedwine.""I'mgoingtobreakthrough,"saidBecker."You'llseemybooksonthelibraryshelvesoneday.""Let'snottalkaboutwriting.""I'vereadyourstuff,"saidBecker."You'retoobitterandyouhateeverything.""Let'snottalkaboutwriting.""NowyoutakeThomasWolfe...""GoddamnThomasWolfe!Hesoundslikeanoldwomanonthetelephone!""O.K.,who'syourboy?""JamesThurber.""Allthatupper-middle-classfolderol...""Heknowsthateveryoneiscrazy.""ThomasWolfeisoftheearth...""Onlyassholestalkaboutwriting...""Youcallingmeanasshole?""Yes..."Ipouredhimanotherwineandmyselfanotherwine."You'reafoolforgettingintothatuniform.""Youcallmeanassholeandyoucallmeafool.Ithoughtwewerefriends.""Weare.Ijustdon'tthinkyou'reprotectingyourself.""EverytimeIseeyouyouhaveadrinkinyourhand.Youcallthatprotectingyourself?""It'sthebestwayIknow.WithoutdrinkIwouldhavelongagocutmygod-damnedthroat.""That'sbullshit.""Nothing'sbullshitthatworks.ThePershingSquarepreachershavetheirGod.Ihavethebloodofmygod!" 145Iraisedmyglassanddrainedit."You'rejusthidingfromreality,"Beckersaid."Whynot?""You'llneverbeawriterifyouhidefromreality.""Whatareyoutalkingabout?That'swhatwritersdo.'"Beckerstoodup."Whenyoutalktome,don'traiseyourvoice.""Whatdoyouwanttodo,raisemydick?""Youdon'thaveadick!"Icaughthimunexpectedlywitharightthatlandedbehindhisear.Theglassflewoutofhishandandhestaggeredacrosstheroom.Beckerwasapowerfulman,muchstrongerthanIwas.Hehittheedgeofthedresser,turned,andIlandedanotherstraightrighttothesideofhisface.HestaggeredovernearthewindowwhichwasopenandIwasafraidtohithimthenbecausehemightfallintothestreet.Beckergatheredhimselftogetherandshookhisheadtoclearit."Allrightnow,"Isaid,"let'shavealittledrink.Violencenauseatesme.""O.K.,"saidBecker.Hewalkedoverandpickeduphisglass.ThecheapwineIdrankdidn'thavecorks,thetopsjustunscrewed.Iunscrewedanewbottle.BeckerheldouthisglassandIpouredhimone.Ipouredmyselfone,setthebottledown.Beckeremptiedhis.Iemptiedmine."Nohardfeelings,"Isaid."Hell,no,buddy,"saidBecker,puttingdownhisglass.Thenhedugarightintomygut.IdoubledoverandasIdidhepusheddownonthebackofmyheadandbroughthiskneeupintomyface.Idroppedtomyknees,bloodrunningfrommynoseallovermyshirt."Pourmeadrink,buddy,"Isaid,"let'sthinkthisthingover.""Getup,"saidBecker,"thatwasjustchapterone."IgotupandmovedtowardBecker.Iblockedhisjab,caughthisrightonmyelbow,andpunchedashortstraightrighttohisnose.Beckersteppedback.Webothhadbloodynoses.Irushedhim.Wewerebothswingingblindly.Icaughtsomegoodshots.Hehitmewithanothergoodrighttothebelly.Idoubledoverbutcameupwithanuppercut.Itlanded.Itwasabeautifulshot,aluckyshot.Beckerlurchedbackwardsandfellagainstthedresser.Thebackofhisheadhitthemirror.Themirrorshattered.Hewasstunned.Ihadhim.Igrabbedhimbytheshirtfrontandhithimwithahardrightbehindhisleftear.Hedroppedontherug,andkneltthereonallfours.Iwalkedoverandunsteadilypouredmyselfadrink."Becker,"Itoldhim,"Ikickassaroundhereabouttwiceaweek.Youjustshoweduponthewrongday."Iemptiedmyglass.Beckergotup.Hestoodawhilelookingatme.Thenhecameforward."Becker,"Isaid,"listen..."Hestartedarightlead,pulleditbackandslammedalefttomymouth.Westartedinagain.Therewasn'tmuchdefense.Itwasjustpunch,punch,punch.Hepushedmeoverachairandthechairflattened.Igotup,caughthimcomingin.HestumbledbackwardsandIlandedanotherright.Hecrashedbackwardsintothewallandthewholeroomshook.HebouncedoffandlandedarighthighonmyforeheadandIsawlights:green,yellow,red...Thenhelandedalefttotheribsandarighttotheface.Iswungandmissed.Goddamn,Ithought,doesn'tanybodyhearallthisnoise?Whydon'ttheycomeandstopit?Whydon'ttheycallthepolice?Beckerrushedmeagain.Imissedaroundhouserightandthenthatwasitforme...WhenIregainedconsciousnessitwasdark,itwasnight.Iwasunderthebed,justmyheadwasstickingout.Imusthavecrawledunderthere.Iwasacoward.Ihadpukedallovermyself.Icrawledoutfromunderthebed.Ilookedatthesmasheddressermirrorandthechair.Thetablewasupsidedown.Iwalkedoverandtriedtosetitupright.Itfellover.Twoofthelegswouldn'thold.ItriedtofixthemasbestIcould.Isetthetableup.Itstoodamoment,thenfelloveragain.Therugwaswetwithwineandpuke.Ifoundawinebottlelyingonitsside.Therewasabitleft.Idrankthatdownandthenlooked 146aroundformore.Therewasnothing.Therewasnothingtodrink.Iputthechainonthedoor.Ifoundacigarette,lititandstoodinthewindow,staringdownatTempleStreet.Itwasanicenightout.Thentherewasaknockonthedoor."Mr.Chinaski?"ItwasMrs.Kansas.Shewasn'talone.Iheardothervoiceswhispering.Shewaswithherlittledarkfriends."Mr.Chinaski?""Yes?""Iwanttocomeintoyourroom.""Whatfor?""Iwanttochangethesheets.""I'msicknow.Ican'tletyouin.""Ijustwanttochangethesheets.I'llbejustafewminutes.""No,Ican'tletyouin.Comeinthemorning."Iheardthemwhispering.ThenIheardthemwalkingdownthehall.Iwentoverandsatonthebed.Ineededadrink,bad.ItwasaSaturdaynight,thewholetownwasdrunk.MaybeIcouldsneakout?Iwalkedtothedoorandopeneditacrack,leavingthechainon,andIpeekedout.AtthetopofthestairwaytherewasaFilipino,oneofMrs.Kansas'friends.Hehadahammerinhishand.Hewasdownonhisknees.Helookedupatme,grinned,andthenpoundedanailintotherug.Hewaspretendingtofixtherug.Iclosedthedoor.Ireallyneededadrink.Ipacedthefloor.Whycouldeverybodyintheworldhaveadrinkbutme?HowlongwasIgoingtohavetostayinthatgod-damnedroom?Iopenedthedooragain.Itwasthesame.Helookedupatme,grinned,thenhammeredanothernailintothefloor.Iclosedthedoor.Igotoutmysuitcaseandbeganthrowingmyfewclothesinthere.IstillhadquiteabitofmoneyIhadwongamblingbutIknewthatIcouldneverpayforthedamagestothatroom.NordidIwantto.Itreallyhadn'tbeenmyfault.Theyshouldhavestoppedthefight.AndBeckerhadbrokenthemirror...Iwaspacked.Ihadthesuitcaseinonehandandmyportabletypewriterinitscaseintheother.Istoodinfrontofthedoorforsometime.Ilookedoutagain.Hewasstillthere.Islippedthechainoffthedoor.ThenIpulledthedooropenandburstout.Irantowardthestairway."HEY!Whereyougo?"thelittleguyasked.Hewasstilldownononeknee.Hestartedtoraisehishammer.Iswungtheportabletypewriterhardagainstthesideofhishead.Itmadeahorriblesound.Iwasdownthestepsandthroughthelobbyandoutthedoor.MaybeIhadkilledtheguy.IstartedrunningdownTempleStreet.ThenIsawacab.Hewasempty.Ileapedin."BunkerHill,"Isaid,"fast!" 14756Isawavacancysigninthewindowinfrontofarooming-house,hadthecabbypullup.Ipaidhimandwalkeduponthefrontporch,rangthebell.Ihadoneblackeyefromthefight,anothercuteye,aswollennose,andmylipswerepuffed.MyleftearwasbrightredandeverytimeItouchedit,anelectricshockranthroughmybody.Anoldmancametothedoor.Hewasinhisundershirtanditlookedlikehehadspilledchiliandbeansacrossthefrontofit.Hishairwasgreyanduncombed,heneededashaveandhewaspuffingonawetcigarettethatstank."Youthelandlord?"Iasked."Yep.""Ineedaroom.""Youworkin'?""I'mawriter.""Youdon'tlooklikeawriter.""Whatdotheylooklike?"Hedidn'tanswer.Thenhesaid,"$2.50aweek.""CanIseeit?"Hebelched,thensaid,"Follerme..."Wewalkeddownalonghall.Therewasnohallrug.Theboardscreakedandsankaswewalkedonthem.Iheardaman'svoicefromoneoftherooms."Suckme,youpieceofshit!""Threedollars,"Iheardawoman'svoice."Threedollars?I'llgiveyouabloodyasshole!"Heslappedherhard,shescreamed.Wewalkedon."Theplaceisinback,"theguysaid,"butyouareallowedtousethehousebathroom."Therewasashackinbackwithfourdoors.Hewalkedupto#3andopenedit.Wewalkedin.Therewasacot,ablanket,asmalldresserandalittlestand.Onthestandwasahotplate."Yougotahotplatehere,"hesaid."That'snice.""$2.50inadvance."Ipaidhim."I'llgiveyouyourreceiptinthemorning.""Fine.""What'syourname?""Chinaski.""I'mConnors."Heslippedakeyoffhiskeyringandgaveittome."Werunanicequietplacehere.Iwanttokeepitthatway.""Sure."Iclosedthedoorbehindhim.Therewasasinglelightoverhead,unshaded.Actuallytheplacewasfairlyclean.Notbad.Igotup,wentoutsideandlockedthedoorbehindme,walkedthroughthebackyardtoanalley.Ishouldn'thavegiventhatguymyrealname,Ithought.ImighthavekilledmylittledarkfriendoveronTempleStreet.Therewasalongwoodenstairwaywhichwentdownthesideofacliffandledtothestreetbelow.Quiteromantic.IwalkedalonguntilIsawaliquorstore.Iwasgoingtogetmydrink.IboughttwobottlesofwineandIfelthungrytoosoIpurchasedalargebagofpotatochips.Backatmyplace,Iundressed,climbedontomycot,leanedagainstthewall,litacigaretteandpouredawine.Ifeltgood.Itwasquietbackthere.Icouldn'thearanybodyinanyoftheotherroomsinmyshack.Ihadtotakeapiss,soIputonmyshorts,wentaroundthebackoftheshackandletgo.FromupthereIcouldseethelightsofthecity.LosAngeleswasagoodplace,thereweremanypoorpeople,itwouldbeeasytogetlostamongthem.Iwentbackinside,climbedback 148onthecot.Aslongasamanhadwineandcigaretteshecouldmakeit.Ifinishedoffmyglassandpouredanother.MaybeIcouldlivebymywits.Theeight-hourdaywasimpossible,yetalmosteverybodysubmittedtoit.Andthewar,everybodywastalkingaboutthewarinEurope.Iwasn'tinterestedinworldhistory,onlymyown.Whatcrap.Yourparentscontrolledyourgrowing-upperiod,theypissedalloveryou.Thenwhenyougotreadytogooutonyourown,theotherswantedtostickyouintoauniformsoyoucouldgetyourassshotoff.Thewinetastedgreat.Ihadanother.Thewar.HereIwasavirgin.Couldyouimaginegettingyourassblownoffforthesakeofhistorybeforeyouevenknewwhatawomanwas?Orownedanautomobile?WhatwouldIbeprotecting?Somebodyelse.Somebodyelsewhodidn'tgiveashitaboutme.Dyinginawarneverstoppedwarsfromhappening.Icouldmakeit.Icouldwindrinkingcontests,Icouldgamble.MaybeIcouldpullafewholdups.Ididn'taskmuch,justtobeleftalone.Ifinishedthefirstbottleofwineandstartedinonthesecond.Halfwaythroughthesecondbottle,Istopped,stretchedout.Myfirstnightinmynewplace.Itwasallright.Islept.Iwasawakenedbythesoundofakeyinthedoor.Thenthedoorpushedopen.Isatuponthecot.Amanstartedtostepin."GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHERE!"Iscreamed.Heleftfast.Iheardhimrunningoff.Igotupandslammedthedoor.Peopledidthat.Theyrentedaplace,stoppedpayingrentandkeptthekey,sneakingbacktosleepthereifitwasvacantorrobbingtheplaceiftheoccupantwasout.Well,hewouldn'tbeback.HeknewifhetrieditagainthatI'dbusthissack.Iwentbacktomycotandhadanotherdrink.Iwasalittlenervous.Iwasgoingtohavetopickupaknife.Ifinishedmydrink,pouredanother,drankthatandwentbacktosleep. 14957AfterEnglishclassonedayMrs.Curtisaskedmetostay.Shehadgreatlegsandalispandtherewassomethingaboutthelegsandthelisptogetherthatheatedmeup.Shewasabout32,hadcultureandstyle,butlikeeverybodyelse,shewasagoddamnedliberalandthatdidn'ttakemuchoriginalityorfight,itwasjustmoreFrankyRooseveltworship.IlikedFrankybecauseofhisprogramsforthepoorduringtheDepression.Hehadstyletoo.Ididn'tthinkhereallygaveadamnaboutthepoorbuthewasagreatactor,greatvoice,andhehadagreatspeechwriter.Buthewantedusinthewar.Itwouldputhimintothehistorybooks.Warpresidentsgotmorepowerand,later,morepages.Mrs.CurtiswasjustachipoffoldFrankyonlyshehadmuchbetterlegs.PoorFrankydidn'thaveanylegsbuthehadawonderfulbrain.Insomeothercountryhewouldhavemadeapowerfuldictator.WhenthelaststudentleftIwalkeduptoMrs.Curtis'desk.Shesmiledupatme.Ihadwatchedherlegsformanyhoursandsheknewit.SheknewwhatIwanted,thatshehadnothingtoteachme.ShehadonlysaidonethingwhichIremembered.Itwasn'therownidea,obviously,butIlikedit:"Youcan'toverestimatethestupidityofthegeneralpublic.""Mr.Chinaski,"shelookedupatme,"wehavecertainstudentsinthisclasswhothinktheyareverysmart.""Yeh?""Mr.Feltonisoursmarteststudent.""O.K.""Whatisitthattroublesyou?""What?""There'ssomething...troublingyou.""Maybe.""Thisisyourlastsemester,isn'tit?""Howdidyouknow?"I'dbeengivingthoselegsagoodbyelook.I'ddecidedthecampuswasjustaplacetohide.Thereweresomecampusfreakswhostayedonforever.Thewholecollegescenewassoft.Theynevertoldyouwhattoexpectoutthereintherealworld.Theyjustcrammedyouwiththeoryandnevertoldyouhowhardthepavementswere.Acollegeeducationcoulddestroyanindividualforlife.Bookscouldmakeyousoft.Whenyouputthemdown,andreallywentoutthere,thenyouneededtoknowwhattheynevertoldyou.Ihaddecidedtoquitafterthatsemester,hangaroundStinkyandthegang,maybemeetsomebodywhohadgutsenoughtoholdupaliquorstoreorbetteryet,abank."Iknewyouweregoingtoquit,"shesaidsoftly.'"Begin'isabetterword.""There'sgoingtobeawar.Didyouread'SailorOffTheBremen'?""ThatNewYorkerstuffdoesn'tworkforme.""You'vegottoreadthingslikethatifyouwanttounderstandwhatishappeningtoday.""Idon'tthinkso.""Youjustrebelagainsteverything.Howareyougoingtosurvive?""Idon'tknow.I'malreadytired."Mrs.Curtislookeddownatherdeskforalongtime.Thenshelookedupatme."We'regoingtogetdrawnintothewar,onewayortheother.Areyougoingtogo?""Thatdoesn'tmatter.Imight,Imightnot.""You'dmakeagoodsailor."Ismiled,thoughtaboutbeingasailor,thendiscardedthatidea."Ifyoustayanotherterm,"shesaid,"youcanhaveanythingyouwant."ShelookedupatmeandIknewexactlywhatshemeantandsheknewthatIknewexactlywhatshemeant."No,"Isaid,"I'mleaving."Iwalkedtowardthedoor.Istoppedthere,turned,gaveheralittlenodgoodbye,aslightandquickgoodbye.OutsideIwalkedalongunderthecampustrees.Everywhere,itseemed,therewasaboyandagirltogether.Mrs.CurtiswassittingaloneatherdeskasIwalkedalone.Whatagreat 150triumphitwouldhavebeen.Kissingthatlisp,workingthosefinelegsopen,asHitlerswallowedupEuropeandpeeredtowardLondon.AfterawhileIwalkedovertowardthegym.Iwasgoingtocleanoutmylocker.Nomoreexercisingforme.Peoplealwaystalkedaboutthegoodcleansmelloffreshsweat.Theyhadtomakeexcusesforit.Theynevertalkedaboutthegoodcleansmelloffreshshit.Therewasnothingreallyasgloriousasagoodbeershit--1meanafterdrinkingtwentyortwenty-fivebeersthenightbefore.Theodorofabeershitlikethatspreadallaroundandstayedforagoodhour-and-a-half.Itmadeyourealizethatyouwerereallyalive.Ifoundthelocker,openeditanddumpedmygymsuitandshoesintothetrash.Alsotwoemptywinebottles.Goodlucktothenextonewhogotmylocker.Maybehe'dendupmayorofBoise,Idaho.Ithrewthecombolockintothetrashtoo.I'dneverlikedthatcombination:1,2,1,1,2.Notverymental.Theaddressofmyparents'househadbeen2122.Everythingwasminimal.IntheR.O.T.C.ithadbeen1,2,3,4;1,2,3,4.MaybesomedayI'dmoveupto5.Iwalkedoutofthegymandtookashortcutthroughtheplayingfield.Therewasagameoftouchfootballgoingon,apick-upgame.Icuttoonesidetoavoidit.ThenIheardBaldy:"Hey,Hank!"IlookedupandhewassittinginthestandswithMontyBallard.Therewasn'tmuchtoBallard.Thenicethingabouthimwasthathenevertalkedunlessyouaskedhimaquestion.Ineveraskedhimanyquestions.Hejustlookedatlifeoutfromunderneathhisdirtyyellowhairandyearnedtobeabiologist.Iwavedtothemandkeptwalking."Comeonuphere.Hank!"Baldyyelled."It'simportant."Iwalkedover."Whatisit?""Sitdownandwatchthatstockyguyinthegymsuit."Isatdown.Therewasonlyoneguyinagymsuit.Hehadontrackshoeswithspikes.Hewasshortbutwide,verywide.Hehadamazingbiceps,shoulders,athickneck,heavyshortlegs.Hishairwasblack;thefrontofhisfacealmostflat;smallmouth,notmuchnose,andtheeyes,theeyesweretheresomewhere."Hey,Iheardaboutthisguy,"Isaid."Watchhim,"saidBaldy.Therewerefourguysoneachteam.Theballwassnapped.Thequarterbackfadedtopass.KingKong,Jr.wasondefense.Heplayedabouthalfwayback.Oneoftheguysontheoffensiveteamrandeep,theotherranshort.Thecenterblocked.KingKong,Jr.loweredhisshouldersandspedtowardtheguyplayingshort.Hesmashedintohim,buryingashoulderintohissideandgutanddumpedhimhard.Thenheturnedandtrottedaway.ThepasswascompletedtothedeepmanforaTD."Yousee?"saidBaldy."KingKong...""KingKongisn'tplayingfootballatall.Hejusthitssomeguyashardashecan,playafterplay.""Youcan'thitapassreceiverbeforehecatchestheball,"Isaid."It'sagainsttherules.""Who'sgoingtotellhim?"Baldyasked."Yougoingtotellhim?"IaskedBallard."No,"saidBallard.KingKong'steamtookthekickoff.Nowhecouldblocklegally.Hecamedownandsavagedthelittlestguyonthefield.Heknockedtheguycompletelyover,hisheadwentbetweenhislegsasheflipped.Thelittleguywasslowgettingup."ThatKingKongisasubnormal,"Isaid."Howdidheeverpasshisentranceexam?""Theydon'thavethemhere."KingKong'steamlinedup.JoeStapenwasthebestguyontheotherteam.Hewantedtobeashrink.Hewastall,sixfoottwo,lean,andhehadguts.JoeStapenandKingKongchargedeachother.Stapendidprettygood.Hedidn'tgetdumped.Thenextplaytheychargedeachotheragain.ThistimeJoebouncedoffandgavealittleground."Shit,"saidBaldy,"Joe'sgivingup." 151ThenexttimeKonghitJoeevenharder,spinninghimaround,thenrunninghim5or6yardsbackupthefield,hisshoulderburiedinJoe'sback."Thisisreallydisgusting!Thatguy'snothingbutafuckingsadist!"Isaid."Isheasadist?"BaldyaskedBallard."He'safuckingsadist,"saidBallard.ThenextplayKongshiftedbacktothesmallestguy.Hejustranoverhimandpiledontopofhim,droppinghimhard.Thelittleguydidn'tmoveforawhile.Thenhesatupandheldhishead.Itlookedlikehewasfinished.Istoodup."Well,hereIgo,"Isaid."Getthatson-of-a-bitch!"saidBaldy."Sure,"Isaid.Iwalkeddowntothefield."Hey,fellas.Needaplayer?"Thelittleguystoodup,startedtowalkoffthefield.Hestoppedashereachedme."Don'tgointhere.Allthatguywantsistokillsomebody.""It'sjusttouchfootball,"Isaid.Itwasourball.IgotintothehuddlewithJoeStapenandtheothertwosurvivors."What'sthegameplan?"Iasked."Justtostaythefuckalive,"saidJoeStapen."What'sthescore?""Ithinkthey'rewinning,"saidLennyHill,thecenter.Webrokeoutofthehuddle.JoeStapenstoodbackandwaitedfortheball.IstoodlookingatKong.I'dneverseenhimaroundcampus.Heprobablyhungaroundthemen'scrapperinthegym.Helookedlikeashit-sniffer.Healsolookedlikeafetus-eater."Time!"Icalled.LennyHillstraightenedupovertheball.IlookedatKong."Myname'sHank.HankChinaski.Journalism."Kongdidn'tanswer.Hejuststaredatme.Hehaddeadwhiteskin.Therewasnoglitterorlifeinhiseyes."What'syourname?"Iaskedhim.Hejustkeptstaring."What'sthematter?Gotsomeplacentacaughtinyourteeth?"Kongslowlyraisedhisrightarm.Thenhestraighteneditoutandpointedafingeratme.Thenheloweredhisarm."Well,suckmyweenie,"Isaid,"what'sthatmean?""Comeon,let'splayball,"oneofKong'smatessaid.Lennybentovertheballandsnappedit.Kongcameatme.Icouldn'tseemtofocusonhim.IsawthegrandstandandsometreesandpartoftheChemistryBuildingshakeashecrashedintome.Heknockedmeoverbackwardsandthencircledaroundme,flappinghisarmslikewings.Igotup,feelingdizzy.FirstBeckerK.O.'sme,thenthissadisticape.Hesmelled;hestank;arealevilson-of-a-bitch.Stapenhadthrownanincompletepass.Wehuddled."Igotanidea,"Isaid."What'sthat?"askedJoe."I'llthrowtheball.Youblock.""Let'sleaveitthewayitis,"saidJoe.Webrokeoutofthehuddle.Lennybentovertheball,snappeditbacktoStapen.Kongcameatme.Iloweredashoulderandrushedathim.Hehadtoomuchstrength.Ibouncedoffhim,straightenedup,andasIdidKongcameagain,knifinghisshoulderintomybelly.Ifell.IleapeduprightawaybutIdidn'tfeellikegettingup.Iwashavingbreathingproblems.Stapenhadthrownashortcompletepass.Thirddown.Nohuddle.WhentheballsnappedKongandIranateachother.AtthelastmomentIleftmyfeetandhurledmyselfathim.Theweightofmybodyhithisneckandhishead,knockinghimoffbalance.AshefellIkickedhimashardasIcouldandcaughthimrightonthechin.Wewerebothontheground.Igotupfirst.AsKongrosetherewasaredblotchonthesideofhisfaceandbloodatthecornerofhismouth.Wetrottedbacktoourpositions.Stapenhadthrownanincompletepass.Fourthdown.Stapendroppedbacktopunt.Kongdroppedbacktoprotecthissafetyman.Thesafetymancaughtthepuntandtheycamepoundingupthefield,Kongleadingthewayforhisrunner.Iranatthem.Kongwasexpectinganotherhigh 152hurdle.ThistimeIdoveandclippedhimattheankles.Hewentdownhard,hisfacehittingtheground.Hewasstunned,hestayedthere,hisarmsspreadout.Iranupandkneeleddown.Igrabbedhimbythebackoftheneck,hard.Isqueezedhisneckandrammedmykneeintohisbackboneanddugitin."Hey,Kong,buddy,areyouallright?"Theotherscamerunningup."Ithinkhe'shurt,"Isaid."Comeon,somebodyhelpmegethimoffthefield."StapengothimononesideandIgotKongontheotherandwewalkedhimtothesideline.NearthesidelineIpretendedtostumbleandgroundmyleftshoeintohisankle."Oh,"saidKong,"pleaseleavemealone...""I'mjusthelpin'ya,buddy."Whenwegothimtothesidelinewedroppedhim.Kongsatandrubbedthebloodfromhismouth.Thenhereacheddownandfelthisankle.Itwasskinnedandwouldsoonbegintoswell.Ibentoverhim."Hey,Kong,let'sfinishthegame.We'rebehind42-7andneedachancetocatchup.""Naw,Igottamakemynextclass.""Ididn'tknowtheytaughtdog-catchinghere.""It'sEnglishLit1.""Thatfigures.Well,look,I'llhelpyouovertothegymandI'llputyouunderahotshower,whatyousay?""No,youstayawayfromme."Konggotup.Hewasprettybusted.Thegreatshoulderssagged,therewasdirtandbloodonhisface.Helimpedafew-steps."Hey,Quinn,"hesaidtooneofhisbuddies,"gimmeahand..."QuinntookoneofKong'sarmsandtheywalkedslowlyacrossthefieldtowardthegym."Hey,Kong!"Iyelled,"Ihopeyoumakeyourclass!TellBillSaroyanIsaid'hello'!"Theotherfellowswerestandingaround,includingBaldyandBallardwhohadcomedownfromthestands.HereIhaddonemybestevergod-damnedactandnotaprettygirlaroundformiles."Anybodygotasmoke?"Iasked."IgotsomeChesterfields,"Baldysaid."Youstillsmokingpussycigarettes?"Iasked."I'lltakeone,"saidJoeStapen."Allright,"Isaid,"sincethat'sallthereis."Westoodaround,smoking,"Westillhaveenoughguysaroundtoplayagame,"somebodysaid."Fuckit,"Isaid."Ihatesports.""Well,"saidStapen,"yousuretookcareofKong.""Yeah,"saidBaldy,"Iwatchedthewholething.There'sonlyonethingthatconfusesme.""What'sthat?"askedStapen."Iwonderwhichguyisthesadist?""Well,"Isaid,"Igottago.There'saCagneymovieshowingtonightandI'mtakingmycunt."Ibegantowalkacrossthefield."Youmeanyou'retakingyourrighthandtothemovie?"oneoftheguysyelledafterme."Bothhands,"Isaidovermyshoulder.Iwalkedoffthefield,downpasttheChemistryBuildingandthenoutonthefrontlawn.Theretheywere,boysandgirlswiththeirbooks,sittingonbenches,underthetrees,oronthelawn.Greenbooks,bluebooks,brownbooks.Theyweretalkingtoeachother,smiling,laughingattimes.Icutovertothesideofthecampuswherethe"V"carlineended.Iboardedthe"V,"gotmytransfer,wenttothebackofthecar,tookthelastseatinback,asalways,andwaited. 15358Imadepracticerunsdowntoskidrowtogetreadyformyfuture.Ididn'tlikewhatIsawdownthere.Thosemenandwomenhadnospecialdaringorbrilliance.Theywantedwhateverybodyelsewanted.Therewerealsosomeobviousmentalcasesdowntherewhowereallowedtowalkthestreetsundisturbed.Ihadnoticedthatbothintheverypoorandveryrichextremesofsocietythemadwereoftenallowedtominglefreely.IknewthatIwasn'tentirelysane.Istillknew,asIhadasachild,thattherewassomethingstrangeaboutmyself.IfeltasifIweredestinedtobeamurderer,abankrobber,asaint,arapist,amonk,ahermit.Ineededanisolatedplacetohide.Skidrowwasdisgusting.Thelifeofthesane,averagemanwasdull,worsethandeath.Thereseemedtobenopossiblealternative.Educationalsoseemedtobeatrap.ThelittleeducationIhadallowedmyselfhadmadememoresuspicious.Whatweredoctors,lawyers,scientists?Theywerejustmenwhoallowedthemselvestobedeprivedoftheirfreedomtothinkandactasindividuals.Iwentbacktomyshackanddrank...Sittingtheredrinking,Iconsideredsuicide,butIfeltastrangefondnessformybody,mylife.Scarredastheywere,theyweremine.Iwouldlookintothedressermirrorandgrin:ifyou'regoingtogo,youmightaswelltakeeight,ortenortwentyofthemwithyou...ItwasaSaturdaynightinDecember.IwasinmyroomandIdrankmuchmorethanusual,lightingcigaretteaftercigarette,thinkingofgirlsandthecityandjobs,andoftheyearsahead.LookingaheadIlikedverylittleofwhatIsaw.Iwasn'tamisanthropeandIwasn'tamisogynistbutIlikedbeingalone.Itfeltgoodtositaloneinasmallspaceandsmokeanddrink.Ihadalwaysbeengoodcompanyformyself.ThenIheardtheradiointhenextroom.Theguyhaditontooloud.Itwasasickeninglovesong."Hey,buddy!"Ihollered,"turnthatthingdown!"Therewasnoresponse.Iwalkedtothewallandpoundedonit."ISAID,'TURNTHATFUCKINGTHINGDOWN!'"Thevolumeremainedthesame.Iwalkedoutsidetohisdoor.Iwasinmyshorts.Iraisedmylegandjammedmyfootintothedoor.Itburstopen.Thereweretwopeopleonthecot,anoldfatguyandanoldfatwoman.Theywerefucking.Therewasasmallcandleburning.Theoldguywasontop.Hestoppedandturnedhisheadandlooked.Shelookedupfromunderneathhim.Theplacewasverynicelyfixed-upwithcurtainsandalittlerug."Oh,I'msorry..."Iclosedtheirdoorandwentbacktomyplace.Ifeltterrible.Thepoorhadarighttofucktheirwaythroughtheirbaddreams.Sexanddrink,andmaybelove,wasalltheyhad.Isatbackdownandpouredaglassofwine.Ileftmydooropen.Themoonlightcameinwiththesoundsofthecity:jukeboxes,automobiles,curses,dogsbarking,radios...Wewereallinittogether.Wewereallinonebigshitpottogether.Therewasnoescape.Wewereallgoingtobeflushedaway.Asmallcatwalkedby,stoppedatmydoorandlookedin.Theeyeswerelitbythemoon:pureredlikefire.Suchwonderfuleyes."Comeon,kitty..."Iheldmyhandoutasiftherewerefoodinit."Kitty,kitty..."Thecatwalkedonby.Iheardtheradiointhenextroomshutoff.Ifinishedmywineandwentoutside.Iwasinmyshortsasbefore.Ipulledthemupandtuckedinmyparts.Istoodbeforetheotherdoor.Ihadbrokenthelock.Icouldseethelightfromthecandleinside.Theyhadthedoorwedgedclosedwithsomething,probablyachair.Iknockedquietly.Therewasnoanswer.Iknockedagain. 154Iheardsomething.Thenthedooropened.Theoldfatguystoodthere.Hisfacewashungwithgreatfoldsofsorrow.Hewasalleyebrowsandmustacheandtwosadeyes."Listen,"Isaid,"I'mverysorryforwhatIdid.Won'tyouandyourgirlcomeovertomyplaceforadrink?""No.""OrmaybeIcanbringyoubothsomethingtodrink?""No,"hesaid,"pleaseleaveusalone."Heclosedthedoor.Iawakenedwithoneofmyworsthangovers.Iusuallysleptuntilnoon.ThisdayIcouldn't.Idressedandwenttothebath-roominthemainhouseandmademytoilet.Icamebackout,wentupthealleyandthendownthestairway,downthecliffandintothestreetbelow.Sunday,theworstgod-damneddayofthemall.IwalkedovertoMainStreet,pastthebars.TheB-girlssatnearthedoorways,theirskirtspulledhigh,swingingtheirlegs,wearinghighheels."Hey,honey,comeonin!"MainStreet,East5th,BunkerHill.ShitholesofAmerica.Therewasnoplacetogo.IwalkedintoaPennyArcade.Iwalkedaroundlookingatthegamesbuthadnodesiretoplayanyofthem.ThenIsawaMarineatapinballmachine.Bothhishandsgrippedthesidesofthemachine,ashetriedtoguidetheballwithbody-English.Iwalkedupandgrabbedhimbythebackofhiscollarandhisbelt."Becker,Idemandagod-damnedrematch!"Iletgoofhimandheturned."No,nothingdoing,"hesaid."Twooutofthree.""Balls,"hesaid,"I'llbuyyouadrink."WewalkedoutofthePennyArcadeanddownMainStreet.AB-girlholleredoutfromoneofthebars,"Hey,Marine,comeonin!"Beckerstopped."I'mgoingin,"hesaid."Don't,"Isaid,"theyarehumanroaches.""Ijustgotpaid.""Thegirlsdrinkteaandtheywateryourdrinks.Thepricesaredoubleandyouneverseethegirlafterwards.""I'mgoingin."Beckerwalkedin.OneofthebestunpublishedwritersinAmerica,dressedtokillandtodie.Ifollowedhim.Hewalkeduptooneofthegirlsandspoketoher.Shepulledherskirtup,swungherhighheelsandlaughed.Theywalkedovertoaboothinacorner.Thebartendercamearoundthebartotaketheirorder.Theothergirlatthebarlookedatme."Hey,honey,don'tyouwannaplay?""Yeah,butonlywhenit'smygame.""Youscaredorqueer?""Both,"Isaid,sittingatthefarendofthebar.Therewasaguybetweenus,hisheadonthebar.Hiswalletwasgone.Whenheawakenedandcomplained,he'deitherbethrownoutbythebartenderorhandedovertothepolice.AfterservingBeckerandtheB-girlthebartendercamebackbehindthebarandwalkedovertome."Yeh?""Nothing.""Yeh?Whatyawantinhere?""I'mwaitingformyfriend,"Inoddedatthecornerbooth."Yousithere,yougottadrink.""O.K.Water."Thebartenderwentoff,camehack,setdownaglassofwater."Twobits."Ipaidhim.Thegirlatthebarsaidtothebartender,"He'squeerorscared."Thebartenderdidn'tsayanything.ThenBeckerwavedtohimandhewenttotaketheirorder.Thegirllookedatme."Howcomeyouain'tinuniform?""Idon'tliketodresslikeeverybodyelse." 155"Arethereanyotherreasons?""Theotherreasonsaremyownbusiness.""Fuckyou,"shesaid.Thebartendercameback."Youneedanotherdrink.""O.K.,"Isaid,slippinganotherquartertowardhim.Outside,BeckerandIwalkeddownMainStreet."How'ditgo?"Iasked."Therewasatablecharge,plusthetwodrinks.Itcameto$32.""Christ,Icouldstaydrunkfortwoweeksonthat.""Shegrabbedmydickunderthetable,sherubbedit.""Whatdidshesay?""Nothing.Shejustkeptrubbingmydick.""I'dratherrubmyowndickandkeepthethirty-twobucks.""Butshewassobeautiful.""Goddamn,man,I'mwalkingalonginstepwithaperfectidiot.""SomedayI'mgoingtowriteallthisdown.I'llbeonthelibraryshelves:BECKER.The'B's'areveryweak,theyneedhelp.""Youtalktoomuchaboutwriting,"Isaid.Wefoundanotherbarnearthebusdepot.Itwasn'tahustlejoint.Therewasjustabarkeepandfiveorsixtravelers,allmen.BeckerandIsatdown."It'sonme,"saidBecker."Eastsideinthebottle."Beckerorderedtwo.Helookedatme."Comeon,beaman,joinup.BeaMarine.""Idon'tgetanythrilltryingtobeaman.""Seemstomeyou'realwaysbeatinguponsomebody.""That'sjustforentertainment.""Joinup.It'llgiveyousomethingtowriteabout.""Becker,there'salwayssomethingtowriteabout.""Whatareyougonnado,then?"Ipointedatmybottle,pickeditup."Howareyagonnamakeit?"Beckerasked."SeemslikeI'veheardthatquestionallmylife.""Well,Idon'tknowaboutyoubutI'mgoingtotryeverything!War,women,travel,marriage,children,theworks.ThefirstcarIownI'mgoingtotakeitcompletelyapart!ThenI'mgoingtoputitbacktogetheragain!Iwanttoknowaboutthings,whatmakesthemwork!I'dliketobeacorrespondentinWashington,D.C.I'dliketobewherebigthingsarehappening.""Washington'scrap,Becker.""Andwomen?Marriage?Children?""Crap.""Yeah?Well,whatdoyouwant?""Tohide.""Youpoorfuck.Youneedanotherbeer.""Allright."Thebeerarrived.Wesatquietly.IcouldsensethatBeckerwasoffonhisown,thinkingaboutbeingaMarine,aboutbeingawriter,aboutgettinglaid.He'dprobablymakeagoodwriter.Hewasburstingwithenthusiasms.Heprobablylovedmanythings:thehawkinflight,thegod-damnedocean,fullmoon,Balzac,bridges,stageplays,thePulitzerPrize,thepiano,thegod-damnedBible.Therewasasmallradiointhebar.Therewasapopularsongplaying.Theninthemiddleofthesongtherewasaninterruption.Theannouncersaid,"Abulletinhasjustcomein.TheJapanesehavebombedPearlHarbor.Irepeat:TheJapanesehavejustbombedPearlHarbor.Allmilitarypersonnelarerequestedtoreturnimmediatelytotheirbases!"Welookedateachother,hardlyabletounderstandwhatwe'djustheard."Well,"saidBeckerquietly,"that'sit.""Finishyourbeer,"Itoldhim.Beckertookahit."Jesus,supposesomestupidson-of-a-bitchpointsamachinegunatmeandpullsthetrigger?""Thatcouldwellhappen.""Hank...""What?" 156"Willyouridebacktothebasewithmeonthebus?""Ican'tdothat."Thebartender,amanabout45withawatermelongutandfuzzyeyeswalkedovertous.HelookedatBecker."Well,Marine,itlookslikeyougottagobacktoyourbase,hub?"Thatpissedme."Hey,fatboy,lethimfinishhisdrink,O.K.?""Sure,sure...Wantadrinkonthehouse.Marine?Howaboutashotofgoodwhiskey?""No,"saidBecker,"it'sallright.""Goahead,"ItoldBecker,"takethedrink.Hefiguresyou'regoingtodietosavehisbar.""Allright,"saidBecker,"I'lltakethedrink."ThebarkeeplookedatBecker."Yougotanastyfriend...""Justgivehimhisdrink,"Isaid.TheotherfewcustomerswerebabblingwildlyaboutPearlHarbor.Before,theywouldn'tspeaktoeachother.Nowtheyweremobilized.TheTribewasindanger.Beckergothisdrink.Itwasadoubleshotofwhiskey.Hedrankitdown."Inevertoldyouthis,"hesaid,"butI'manorphan.""Goddamn,"Isaid."Willyouatleastcometothebusdepotwithme?""Sure."Wegotupandwalkedtowardthedoor,Thebarkeepwasrubbinghishandsalloverhisapron.Hehadhisapronallbunchedupandwasexcitedlyrubbinghishandsonit."Goodluck,Marine!"hehollered.Beckerwalkedout.Ipausedinsidethedoorandlookedbackatthebarkeep."WorldWarI,eh?""Yeh,yeh..."hesaidhappily.IcaughtupwithBecker.Wehalf-rantothebusdepottogether.Servicemeninuniformwerealreadybeginningtoarrive.Thewholeplacehadanairofexcitement.Asailorranpast."I'MGOINGTOKILLMEAJAP!"hescreamed.Beckerstoodintheticketline.Oneoftheservicemenhadhisgirlfriendwithhim.Thegirlwastalking,crying,holdingontohim,kissinghim.PoorBeckeronlyhadme.Istoodtooneside,waiting.Itwasalongwait.Thesamesailorwhohadscreamedearliercameuptome."Hey,fellow,aren'tyougoingtohelpus?What'reyoustandingtherefor?Whydon'tyougodownandsign^^up?Therewaswhiskeyonhisbreath.Hehadfrecklesandaverylargenose."You'regoingtomissyourbus,"Itoldhim.Hewentofftowardthebusdeparturepoint."Fuckthegod-damnedfuckingJaps!"hesaid.Beckerfinallyhadhisticket.Iwalkedhimtohisbus.Hestoodinanotherline."Anyadvice?"heasked."No."Thelinewasfilingslowlyintothebus.Thegirlwasweepingandtalkingrapidlyandquietlytohersoldier.Beckerwasatthedoor.Ipunchedhimontheshoulder."You'rethebestI'veknown.""Thanks,Hank...""Goodbye..."Iwalkedoutofthere.Suddenlytherewastrafficonthestreet.Peopleweredrivingbadly,runningstoplights,screamingateachother.IwalkedbackovertoMainStreet.Americawasatwar.Ilookedintomywallet:Ihadadollar.Icountedmychange:61.IwalkedalongMainStreet.Therewouldn'tbemuchfortheB-girlstoday.Iwalkedalong.ThenIcametothePennyArcade.Therewasn'tanybodyinthere.Justtheownerstandinginhishigh-perchedbooth.Itwasdarkinthatplaceanditstankofpiss.Iwalkedalonginthedarkaislesamongthebrokenmachines.TheycalleditaPennyArcadebutmostofthegamescostanickelandsomeadime.Istoppedattheboxingmachine,myfavorite.Twolittlesteelmenstoodinaglasscagewithbuttonsontheirchins.Thereweretwohandgrips,like 157pistolgrips,withtriggers,andwhenyousqueezedthetriggersthearmsofyourfighterwoulduppercutwildly.Youcouldmoveyourfighterbackandforthandfromsidetoside.Whenyouhitthebuttononthechinoftheotherfighterhewouldgodownhardonhisback,K.O.'d.WhenIwasakidandMaxSchmelingK.O.'dJoeLouis,Ihadrunoutintothestreetlookingformybuddies,yelling"Hey,MaxSchmelingK.O.'dJoeLouis!"Andnobodyansweredme,nobodysaidanything,theyhadjustwalkedawaywiththeirheadsdown.IttooktwotoplaytheboxinggameandIwasn'tgoingtoplaywiththepervertwhoownedtheplace.ThenIsawalittleMexicanboy,eightornineyearsold.Hecamewalkingdowntheaisle.Anice-looking,intelligentMexicanboy."Hey,kid?""Yes,Mister?""Wannaplaythisboxinggamewithme?""Free?""Sure.I'mpaying.Pickyourfighter."Hecircledaround,peeringthroughtheglass.Helookedveryserious.Thenhesaid,"O.K.,I'lltaketheguyintheredtrunks.Helooksbest.""Allright."Thekidgotonhissideofthegameandstaredthroughtheglass.Helookedathisfighter,thenhelookedupatme."Mister,don'tyouknowthatthere'sawaron?""Yes."Westoodthere."Yougottaputthecoinin,"saidthekid."Whatareyoudoinginthisplace?"Iaskedhim."Howcomeyou'renotinschool?""It'sSunday."Iputthedimein.ThekidstartedsqueezinghistriggersandIstartedsqueezingmine.Thekidhadmadeabadchoice.Theleftarmofhisfighterwasbrokenandonlyreacheduphalfway.Itcouldneverhitthebuttononmyfighterschin.Allthekidhadwasarighthand.Idecidedtotakemytime.Myguyhadbluetrunks.Imovedhiminandout,makingsuddenflurries.TheMexicankidwasgreat,hekepttrying.Hegaveupontheleftarmandjustsqueezedthetriggerfortherightarm.Irushedbluetrunksinforthekill,squeezingbothtriggers.Thekidkeptpumpingtherightarmofredtrunks.Suddenlybluetrunksdropped.Hewentdownhard,makingaclankingsound."Igotya.Mister,"saidthekid."Youwon,"Isaid.Thekidwasexcited.Hekeptlookingatbluetrunksflatonhisass."Youwannafightagain,Mister?"Ipaused,Idon'tknowwhy."Yououtofmoney,Mister?""Oh,no.""O.K.,then,we'llfight."Iputinanotherdimeandbluetrunkssprangtohisfeet.Thekidstartedsqueezinghisonetriggerandtherightarmofredtrunkspumpedandpumped.Iletbluetrunksstandbackforawhileandcontemplate.ThenInoddedatthekid.Imovedbluetrunksin,botharmsflailing.IfeltIhadtowin.Itseemedveryimportant.Ididn'tknowwhyitwasimportantandIkeptthinking,whydoIthinkthisissoimportant?Andanotherpartofmeanswered,justbecauseitis.Thenbluetrunksdroppedagain,hard,makingthesameironclankingsound.Ilookedathimlayingonhisbackdownthereonhislittlegreenvelvetmat.ThenIturnedaroundandwalkedout.